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Previously as Michael has a heart to heart with her mother, early Monday morning of December 30th

“I’m hanging around just as long as God allows me, and I’m not going to spend it tucked away in a room in a bed.

“We’re going to have a nice time getting to know each other, sweetie. I’m not too well-versed on what’s allowed, but I know that someday it will be okay, aye?”

“I don’t understand, Mom?” Michael’s eyes widened in confusion.

“Well, child, I do know things move exceedingly slow, especially in New Jersey, but until things change, I suppose I’ll just have to be content with what does work.” Michael’s expression didn’t change and Katie smiled, a soft laugh escaping her lips.

“I might not be able to see my baby girl get married, but that doesn’t mean I can’t welcome my new daughter into the family, aye?”

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I sit by the harbor
The sea calls to me
I hide in the water
But I need to breathe

Wednesday evening, January 28, 1987...

After all was said and done, in the midst of changes in the Callahan family, Katie’s struggle had already become a supreme testimony to her faith, her character, and her love for her daughters. In finding her place in the grand scheme of things, she had brought new hope to her family, who believed with all of their hearts in her survival… and she found herself greatly renewed and restored, if only for a time.

“Mom...I…” Michael sat on the couch with her hands folded in her lap, a look of sad disappointment on her face.

“Honey, what’s wrong.” Katie knew, since she had already held this conversation with another, but she knew that Michael needed to speak her fears in order at least for the two of them to face them.

“It’s…she doesn’t…” Michael was always strong; the ‘man’ of the family in her own eyes in some ways; especially with her father gone and her brother-in-law gentle and considerate enough to hold that legacy at a safe and almost sacred distance. Michael never felt she had the luxury to leave it alone, and felt the pressure without the support or the means to fulfill a dream her father should never have spoken. Once reconciled, it became a moot point, but she felt somehow that she had to be strong like her father before her. She was strong, but she was a woman of character and mettle who always was compelled to prove herself in a man’s world. So her tears made her feel almost puny.

“She’s afraid, honey. You know why?” Katie’s question was really a statement. Michael came from the same cloth but in a decidedly different pattern than Caden; both felt less than whole and both felt that they didn’t deserve to be happy. Years of guilt, albeit forgiven and set aside in so many ways, pushed Michael into believing that the girl she loved could ‘do better,’ despite protestation from both Katie and her sister Linda.

And Caden felt that Michael deserved someone who could make things work the way they ‘should;’ her own guilt a constant acid drip of condemnation that had worn her down. Even the reconciliation she herself had experienced with her own mother did little to temper the shame and guilt she felt for merely and finally taking the steps to be herself. That the steps were irreversible made her feel all the more guilty even though Michael professed her love over and over.

“Mom…I…I lost Daddy….and….” Michael looked away and bit her index finger at the knuckle to stifle the tears that still flowed freer than at any time in her life. Her shoulders shook, causing Katie to literally run to her; embracing her tightly as she sat next to her on the couch.

“Honey….I promise….I’m not going anywhere just yet, and I believe that you two will find that neither of you can walk away from what you know is the greatest blessing you’ll ever experience. She loves you, but you know that isn’t enough. She needs to believe that you love her….not just the idea of being with someone, but that she is ‘the’ someone. She doesn’t feel that…at least not yet. And you have to believe that no matter what, she loves you. You know she does, but you don’t trust yourself or her.”

“What do I do, Mom…I don’t know what to do?” Michael looked away, her face hot with shame, as if being who she was had been unacceptable. Maybe everyone was right…she was the odd one in the family and even with her fellow officers, there always seemed to be a distinction made; even with friends. Undeclared professions of faith that excluded her. Un-spoken beliefs that accepted her as someone to be tolerated rather than embraced. And if she felt that way, how much more did that permeate the heart of the woman she loved. Did she really see Caden as a woman? Could she see Caden the way she herself wished to be seen?

“You, young lady, have only one thing to do. Go to her. Tell her how you feel. If you really love her the way I think you do, then you’ll make it plain and put her heart at ease, okay? Do you love her, Michael?” Katie’s eyes widened as her expression seemed to say, “well, do you?”

“Oh, Mom….I love her so much it hurts. I close my eyes and I see her. Even when I’m awake, all I can do is think of how much I miss her!” Michael shook her head as if she was unsure; not of her love but of her ability to convince Caden just how truthful her declaration just then had been.

“Then go to her and tell her.”

“I…”

“I know you do, honey. But long after I’m gone, you’ll be living your life, and she HAS to be a part of it for both your sakes. I’m going to be okay, no matter what.” At the last sentence, Michael could bear the reality of her mother’s life no longer, and she collapsed into Katie’s arms, sobbing.

“Beidh gach rud ceart go leor,” she repeated over and over as she kissed Michael’s cheeks; their tears mingling in an anointing. “It’s going to be alright.”

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Sunday afternoon of February 1st...

I've been run aground
So sad for a sailor
I felt safe and sound
But needed the danger

“He…hello,” Caden stood on the porch of her mother’s…her home. She placed both hands onto one of the columns, holding on as if to keep from falling. Michael stepped up onto the porch. Caden backed up and found herself almost pinned against the screen door. Michael smiled awkwardly and took a step back; more out of her own embarrassment than in consideration for Caden, who remained leaning against the door.

“I…I wanted to talk to you…to …to talk with you.” Michael smiled; this time with a bit more confidence and determination. Caden remained where she had stood.

“Oh….okay,” Caden said weakly; a tone that sounded almost like resignation seemed to waft around and between them as Caden looked away. Michael didn’t want to be daring and she had resolved herself to being in control, but she took charge, almost like she would if she was directing traffic or taking information from a witness.

“Do you know how I feel about you?” Clarifying by asking Caden didn’t work at all. The girl sighed and smiled weakly.

“You’re my best friend.” “Best friend…” The kiss of death in most relationships, but Michael was undaunted; or at least if she was afraid, she had decided not to show it. She took a step closer, wanting so desperately to convince Caden how much she cared. Words might work for most, and they would help in the coming days, but Caden was a woman who doubted herself, and the only way Michael could convince her otherwise came in a very simple and straightforward manner. She stepped even closer, and Caden had retreated into the niche between the door and the bump out on the porch; literally cornered. Michael lifted her right hand and put it behind Caden’s head, placing it on the girl’s neck; a firm but gentle grasp. One last step and she was upon her; Caden had nowhere to go, and it was the best trip she never took.

“I love you, Caden O’Rourke. I’ve loved you since we met. I have loved you through all of your sorrow and mine, and I will continue to love you. I love you now and always, and if that doesn’t convince you, then maybe there’s no hope for us, but I need at least to show you what I mean, okay?” She put her other hand on Caden’s hip and pulled her close, kissing her as emphatically but as gently as anyone ever could. The girl tried to pull away; believing that in abandoning her love for Michael she was blessing her.

“No you don’t. I won’t let you be scared. No more safe and sound; you have to face our anger! You can’t be scared that you don’t deserve this. I sure as hell deserve you, and you need to know just how much of a blessing I can be…how much of a blessing I am for you!” She pulled her close once again and kissed her hard and with no regrets whatsoever.

And Caden kissed back, hard and with every regret she ever had vanishing like so much fog in the bright warmth of a friendly sun. And Caden knew. And Michael knew. Caden began to weep; a characteristic that might have seemed like she was just another one of those folks that people despise because of weakness and oddity. But her crying was from relief; a knowledge that only love could impart to her that said ‘you are my beloved; I am blessed.’ She gave into the kiss like her life depended upon it.

“Oh…Dear god I love you so much….” She declared. Grabbing Michael by the hand, she led her into the house and over to the sofa; the only sound at that point being the simultaneous sighs that escaped from their lips and the loud slap of wood to wood as the screen door sprung shut. They had already demonstrated that they were capable of making love. This moment belonged to eternity as both proved to the other that they were capable of being loved. And love they did…..

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VFW Hall, Morris Plains, New Jersey, Saturday, May 17th...

Michael had been used to wearing dark sober colors for quite some time, but at that moment she felt almost alone and sad; the black dress seemed to be almost a punishment. She looked over at Caden, noting the altogether unfamiliar and uncomfortable similarity of their attire; the time had finally come, and they stood together as their friends and family stared sadly at them. A tall, fifty-ish African-American woman came close and put her hand gently on Michael's arm, causing her to wince.

“Mikey…if that isn't the sexiest dress I ever did see,” Cherish Washington laughed as Michael’s face grew bright red; a condition that only grew worse when she teetered on the heretofore never-worn pumps with the three inch heels. Dave Washington laughed and nodded at his wife’s remark and at Michael’s altogether uncomfortable expression. She felt she was about to go down when Caden’s hand grasped hers tightly.

“It’s going to be okay. Just follow my lead and we’ll be just fine!” A soft, warm laugh went a long way to easing the butterflies in Michael’s stomach. She looked over at Caden and said with a nervous laugh,

“Ready, Miss O’Rourke?” A nod was quickly followed by,

“Don’t breathe this to a single soul..especially Governor Kean, but between you and me? * It’s Caden Callahan, if you please, and yes….” She paused and looked over at her erst-while new mom. Katie nodded and smiled and waved. Caden waved back before returning her attention to her partner. She laughed softly and beamed broadly before finishing.

“I’m ready whenever you are, Sargeant Callahan!” And with that they stepped out onto the dance floor!

**
Dheannain sá¹gradh ris a nighean duibh
N' deidh dhomh eirigh as a 'mhadainn
Dheannain sá¹gradh ris a nighean duibh

Dheannain sá¹gradh ris a'ghruagaich
'Nuair a bhiodh a' sluagh nan codal

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* In 1987, as in every other state in the United States, no domestic partnerships nor so-called Civil Unions existed in New Jersey. That didn't stop some folks from being together, but it severely hindered any equal benefits under law until 2004, and Civil Unions didn't become legal in New Jersey until 2007. To date, New Jersey does not permit same-sex marriages.

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**
I played with the young dark-haired girl
When I woke in the morning
I played with the young dark-haired girl

I played with the long-haired girl
When everyone was asleep

Martha's Harbour
Written by Tim Bricheno, Andy Cousin, Julianne Regan
as performed by
Méav Ná­ Mhaolchatha
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0hPYmcuEaKo

Dark Haired Girl
Traditional; arranged by Méav, Rossa & Colm á“ Snodaigh
as performed by
Méav Ná­ Mhaolchatha
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=02Fx4x...