Previously, Christmas day, 43 Hazlett Street, Morristown, New Jersey, just after 5pm...

“Used to be a he…Kellen…O’Rourke. That was his…her mom they just took out of here.” Michael’s eyes widened in shock and recognition.

“Yeah….Merry Christmas,” Michael said as Pete walked out the front door.

Dheannain sá¹gradh ris a nighean duibh
N' deidh dhomh eirigh as a 'mhadainn
Dheannain sá¹gradh ris a nighean duibh

Dheannain sá¹gradh ris a'ghruagaich
'Nuair a bhiodh a' sluagh nan codal

Howard Johnson's Motor Inn, Route 10, Whippany, New Jersey, shortly thereafter...

Caden heard the knock at the door; she had grown only a bit impatient at the lateness of the hour, since Michael was a police officer. Most of her was hungry and happy for the opportunity to spend Christmas with someone less threatening than her mother, but she also dreaded the newness of the moment as well; she was almost hoping that Michael was there to cancel their date. Their date?

“Miss O’Rourke? Miss Caden O’Rourke?” The tall African-American officer asked softly, his smile a warm welcome.

“Yes? I’m Caden O’Rourke.” She stepped back out of the doorway. The officer stood still, but his expression changed to one of urgent concern.

“I’m sorry….I’m Dave Washington…Michael…Officer Callahan asked me to stop by; she’s working on a case, and she asked me to stop by. Do you reside at 43 Hazlett Street in Morristown?” The word ‘no’ immediately came to mind since she had moved out only the day before, but she nodded nervously.

“I’m sorry, but there was break in. Your mother is Grace O’Rourke?” Caden nodded again as she used the back of her hand to stifle a gasp.

“She’s been taken to Morristown Memorial. Michael asked me to take you there and that she’d meet you after the house has been secured by the detectives on the case. If you’d like to take a few moments to get ready, I’ll be outside in the patrol car. I can either have you follow me, or I can drive you there; your call.”

“Just give me a moment. I’ll be okay to drive.” He nodded while stepping back.

“I’ll wait for you.”

Caden’s faith had been tested over the past few years since her transition. She had come through a very trying time feeling let down and discouraged, but she still held on tenaciously, hoping that somehow what she believed was true and real. She put her head down just a bit and spoke.

“Help me know what to say…please?” Not much of a prayer, but still focused enough to know she didn’t have the strength or even the desire at that point to speak to her mother. A moment later she was out the door and on 287 heading toward the hospital.

Morristown Memorial Hospital, Emergency Room Treatment Area...soon after...

“Mom?” Caden said softly, peeking around the drawn curtain in the Emergency Room. Grace was lying on a bed with her head turned away from the harsh brightness of the light in the hallway.

“Kellen….come.” It almost sounded like her mother; the royal beckoning while bestowing some regal permission to approach, but the voice seemed weaker…almost subdued.

“Mom.” She said it coldly; no longer feeling connected to the woman in front of her with all the anger and rejection and pain that passed between them, and not just one way. She took a deep breath as if she was diving into a very deep pool beneath a rough waterfall, stepping closer to the bed with a cautious almost tip-toe.

“Honey…please…come…closer.” Her mother sounded weak. The doctor had told her the injuries weren’t serious in the medical sense, but Grace appeared to be hurt badly. The large bandage called attention to itself, and Caden saw the edge of a dressing peeking out from underneath the hospital gown covering her right shoulder. She used her left hand to point to a chair next to the utility table by the bed. Caden stepped closer but remained standing. Grace sighed deeply and spoke.

“I forgot your name...” She put her head down.

“I don’t…what are you talking about.”

“Kellen…I can’t remember your name….what’s your name?” Grace shook her head slightly.

“You just said it.” Caden looked at her mother, and she wondered if the head injury was more serious than the doctor had admitted.

“No…I mean YOUR name. What’s YOUR name?” She stressed the word twice. ‘YOUR.’

“Caden?” She asked. Grace nodded but winced; her head still hurt from the injury. She pointed to a Styrofoam pitcher sitting on the table. Caden poured some water into the cup on the table and handed it to her mother. Grace took the cup and sipped slowly for a moment before handing it back.

“C...Caden.” The girl’s eyes widened and she bit her lip in surprise; it was the first time her mother had used her name….ever.

“I…I’ve been lying here thinking.” She breathed out a heavy sigh and continued.

“I…I’ve been a fool… you’re my child.” She looked off to the side only slightly, gathering some strength from a moral reserve neither of them realized had existed before speaking again.

“I’m…so sorry. I was wrong.”

Nothing else to be said, the tears in her eyes and the wave to come closer would be enough for the moment; at least from her end. Caden pursed her lips as tears came quickly and heavily to her own eyes. She shrugged her shoulders as she swallowed hard, nodding in agreement; not just with her mother’s profession but as if to say instead, ‘me too.’ She stepped closer to the bed and knelt down on the floor, her knee scraping the edge of the IV stand; snagging her hose. She pulled close to the bed and looked at her mother face to face.

How so much she resembled her mother; the two were both stubborn Irish women, she would recall later, but at that moment, the O’Rourke family knit together a bit closer after a very big rip was beginning to mend. Grace put her hand on her daughter’s head; the first real contact between them in years as she said,

“Caden…that’s a nice name.”

Dheannain sá¹gradh an á m dá¹sgaidh
'N á m na siá¹il a bhith 'gam pasgadh

The nurses' station upstairs shortly thereafter...

“I’m so sorry that I wasn’t able to be the one to tell you.” Michael said softly, her head down in apology and unnecessary shame.

“Sorry? You took saved her,” Caden said, her hand reaching out to touch Michael’s arm. The girl recoiled, backing into the high desk at the nurse’s station.

“I…had to secure your house until the detectives arrived.” She put her head down once more, shaking it in argument.

“I know. If it weren’t for you?” Caden looked back at the doorway to her mother’s room before returning her attention to the shy woman before her.

“Thank you.” Caden went to hug the girl. She pulled Michael close and put her head to one side and patted Michael on the back, squeezing her tightly. Michael returned the gesture, patting Caden awkwardly while looking away. Caden stepped back and nodded, a smile growing across her face even as tears fell to the floor.

“We…” Caden looked away and bit her lip. Never once in the past three years had held out hope for reconciliation; it was likely the best Christmas gift the girl had ever received.

“Noreen here told me she found the two of you hugging. I’m happy for you.” Michael said, pointing back at one of the nurses as she returned Caden’s smile nervously. She felt her face grow hot and she realized it was over the kind gesture her warm smile. Was it really getting warm there?

"Who would want to hurt her? And in our neighborhood; it's not like it's an unsafe part of town...I mean..." She looked away and Michael sighed in frustration. Life had proven to her that there's never any place that can't be unsafe. And how conveniently coincidental that her mother was attacked only days after Caden's had been accosted. The girl turned around again and her expression had softened once again.

“Yes. Say…It’s getting late. Probably too late to cook. I noticed on the way over here that August Moon is open. You want to get a bite to eat?” She looked at the clock on the wall behind Michael. Eight-forty-two.

“It’s still early. Mom’s already resting. Whataya say? My treat?” Michael hadn’t eaten since they ‘bumped into’ each other early that morning. It certainly didn’t help that the girl smiled again. Suddenly the appeal of cooking a homemade meal felt less safe for some reason. She wanted to say no and pick up some premade sandwich at the Quik Check on the way home, but she nodded almost automatically.

“Good.” Caden said.

“My car is right in the parking lot out back. Maybe you could drive and then drop me off back here when we’re finished?” Michael found herself nodding once again, and in only a few minutes they were on their way to the restaurant. She made a mental note not to bring up the attacks on them at dinner; the girl at least deserved as stress-free a makeshift Christmas dinner as possible.

August Moon Chinese Restaurant, Morristown, New Jersey, minutes later...

A petite girl arrived at the table with two glasses of water and a broad smile.

“Can I get you something to drink?”

“The water will be fine.” Caden said and Michael nodded to the waitress. A moment later Michael turned her attention back to Caden who had taken her coat off, revealing a very attractive grayish green dress. Michael shifted nervously in her chair. She felt uncomfortable and way underdressed for the restaurant since she hadn’t been home to change out of her uniform. While she wouldn’t have worn a dress out, and certainly hadn’t planned on being out at all, she wished she had at least had time to change into a nice pair of slacks and a blouse.

“My mom hasn’t at all been very welcoming since I…” Caden almost forgot herself and was about to reveal her secret. Michael pulled back, hoping that the girl wasn’t going to go there, having recalled what Pete Krakowski had told her about the woman sitting across the table from her.

“I’m awfully hungry,” Michael interrupted and she pointed to the menus sitting on the table. Caden might have lost her train of thought but for the urgency she felt regarding her mother’s change of heart. She picked up the menu and glanced at it, but between her need to talk and happy awareness of the cuisine, she placed the menu back on the table and smiled.

“I’m sorry…I seem to have made you uncomfortable,” she said, allowing at least for Michael’s awkwardness, but she continued.

“I had surgery a few years ago to correct a mistake.” Michael winced; she hadn’t considered how personal just having a meal could be, and was glad at least that they never made it to her house for salmon. Caden noticed the expression, but continued anyway.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized, but it wasn’t for what she was about to reveal, but rather how she had begun to explain her past. Perhaps she was encouraged by her mother's acceptance, but either way, Caden felt an odd strength and security about herself. She shook her head as if to correct her own mis-self-perception, as she had come to typify her insecurity about her gender issues.

“Not a mistake.” She sighed, feeling almost embarrassed about her own ‘lack of faith.’ My cousin used to say, ‘God doesn’t make mistakes.’ It’s just a challenge that I had to meet…” She almost added, ‘you know?’ She smiled and went on, quickly so as to finish her thought for the benefit of them both.

“I was born as Kellen Michael O’Rourke,” she said, almost blurting it out, but still in almost hushed tones, more for the sake of Michael than herself. Michael nodded in reflection. It crossed her mind about telling the girl what she had already learned from Pete, but thought better of it. Her lack of curiosity caused Caden’s eyes to widen. It would be a very long evening unless one or both of them spoke after that. Michael shook her head as if to say no to herself, but she lost the argument.

“One of my friends on the force lives on your block. I found out tonight. I’m sorry, but I didn’t know how to bring it up or even whether I should.” She looked away and found her face growing hot once again. Grabbing the water class, she took a gulp, giving Caden an opening to speak once again.

“I…it was something I had to do, do you understand?” She almost plead for forgiveness herself, but Michael answered calmly.

“No…I’m sorry... I don’t understand. “ She paused as Caden began to frown and blush; her own face growing hot. She grabbed for her own glass of water and downed it in one draught. Michael continued.

“But I accept it. Listen, Miss O’Rourke…I don’t even understand myself most times. I’m a lesbian, and I’ve often asked God just why the hell he made me this way, you know? But then I think of my cousin…maybe just like yours? She had a form of muscular dystrophy. She never once got upset with God about it. She just figured out that it was how she was put together. No complaints. Nothing to fix.” At the word fix, Caden looked away. Michael reached out and touched her arm.

Caden pulled back.

"I suppose if it was anybody else but me? To fix, I mean!" Caden found herself growing angry; her own fears compounding what she thought she heart.

“No…not that way…I mean fix in that there was something wrong with her… of course her body wasn’t working the way it was supposed to, but that didn’t make her less of a person.” Michael sighed heavily and tears came to her eyes.

“She...she passed last year, but I can’t help but think that somehow she knows about me…I never told her, but I think she’s looking down on me….maybe on you? I don’t know. I just know that I can’t expect to understand everything, but I have to be able to accept everyone….” Her voice trailed off and Caden looked at her.

“Everyone?” It was almost a statement.

“Me…you? We’re all in this together, you know? All okay, just the way we are.” There was an uncomfortable silence that was broken by the arrival of the waitress.

“Chicken and sautéed string beans, please and fried rice, please?” Caden said softly. Michael smiled.

“And you?” The waitress turned to Michael, who replied,

“I’ll have the same, thank you,” Michael said, handing the menu to the waitress, who nodded before walking back to the kitchen.

“My favorite. See…in it together.” She smiled at Caden, who returned the gesture. A moment later they duplicated another expression of emotion as both women turned red once again.

Back at the hospital...about an hour later...

As they exited the elevator, one of the nurses walked up to them quickly.

“Miss O’Rourke. I’m sorry. We called the number you left, but there was no answer. It’s about your mother.”

“What’s wrong?” She asked, almost blithely as the nurse looked back toward the nurse’s station at the older nurse behind the desk who nodded. The woman’s expression spoke volumes to Michael, who stepped closer to Caden, putting her hand on the girl’s arm.

“She….the head injury was….the doctor thinks it was an aneurysm .” The woman shook her head before looking down slightly and away.

“What…I don’t understand?” Caden struggled in grasping what the nurse was trying to convey, but Michael knew immediately. She put her arm around the girl. The nurse shook her head even as her eyes welled up. Caden began to shake a bit and she bit the inside of her mouth anxiously.

“Let’s go sit down, Miss O’Rourke,” Michael said, trying to steer Caden toward the family lounge.

“No…I need to…I need to see her.” The flat tone in her voice along with the tears that began to stream down her cheeks told Michael that Caden knew. She went to usher the girl again. Caden took two steps before collapsing in Michael’s arms, sobbing.

“I’m so sorry,” Michael said as she held the weeping girl, not knowing what else to say or do. And she was right. There was nothing much to say and nothing at all that could be done. Grace O’Rourke had made peace with her daughter; almost in some sort of premonition some might say, but it seemed to Michael that it was one more opportunity for Caden to meet a challenge. But even without really knowing the girl or even how she felt at that moment, Michael was determined that the girl would not have to meet that challenge alone.

Dreamt I'd be, in love forever
Like a candle that burns for all time
The moment of truth, will it be now or never?
Only love can make sense out of love

Next: You Brought Me Up

Dheannain sá¹gradh
Dark Haired Girl
Traditional
as performed by
Méav Ná­ Mhaolchatha

I played with the young dark-haired girl
When I woke in the morning
I played with the young dark-haired girl

I played with the long-haired girl
When everyone was asleep

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02Fx4xKwcG8

* * * * *

In Love Forever
as performed by
Cait Agus Sean
(Kate Crossan and John Herberman)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oAJoDO70tU