---

---

---

Jimmy Elia finds out that empathy is much more than feeling sorry for someone, as Billy Pellegrino teaches him how to feel sorry with someone.

---

Previously…at the Elia home…

“Billie…what did daddy do?” She turned away and went to run to the bathroom. He grabbed her arm and she winced. He pulled her close and pushed up her sleeve, revealing bruising at her elbows.

“Oh, fuck…no!”

“Shhhh…you’ll wake….them.” Billie shook her head, sending tears in all directions in a spray.

“He’s passed out…I hate him!” Jimmy grew red and he balled his fists. “We have to tell mom…we have to get help.”

Billie put her knuckles in her mouth and started to cry before saying one last thing while pointing to the bed.

“She already knows, Jimmy…she already knows.”

He walked over to the bed and pulled back the blanket, revealing a large dark red stain in the middle of the sheets. He turned back to Billie only to barely catch her before she hit the floor. Cradling her in his arms, he pulled her tight, as tears cascaded down his cheeks. He wanted to…what?

He knew that the uncomfortable sensations about himself were being adjusted somehow. It didn’t feel right to want to be a girl and yet he did. And if this was what being a girl was all about then he wanted nothing to do with it; but he did. New and old feelings mixed together as their pain melded into one horror. He did the only thing he knew to do. He cried. For the first time in his life he cried for someone beside himself; and not out of anger although he was filled with a sibling’s protective rage. He wept for his sister, and somehow it began his transformation; he was being changed from the inside out.

Jamie Elia was born that day; her life had just begun and she feared for it already.

“No…no…no…no…” she wept; over and over as she gently rocked her twin. And they fell asleep in each other’s arms…like Hansel…no…Gretel and Gretel in a way, but it was no witch that threatened to kill them; it was their own father.

---

The next morning....

"Billie? Are you two in your rooms? Chores, kids." Amelia called from the hall way. At nine on a Saturday morning they risked getting in trouble with Johnny most weekends, but he had gone into the dealership early.

"I don't hear anything...what are you two doing in there." Amelia opened the door and looked in and saw the two still on the floor.

"I swear to God you two?" She stepped into the room, and only then did she notice the blood spread all across the sheets.

"Dear God, Billie what happened...I told you to take care of yourself...if it's that time you need to..."

"It's not that time, Mom... And you know it." Jimmy stood up and wiped his face with his hand.

"I don't know what you mean." Amelia turned away, as if that would dissuade him.

"Mom...it was Daddy and you know it..." He began to cry angry tears; nothing his mother could say at that point would stop that. She tried anyway.

"You...your sister made it up...she's lying...it's her period...nothing happened." She walked up to Jimmy and began pounding on his chest. He made no effort to stop her as her fists balled in rage, and not toward him. It was almost as if she were beating herself. He pulled her close. He was outraged that she had let it go on, but she still was his mother...their mother and he still loved her.

"Daddy hurt her, Mom...he hurt her and I won't let him hurt her any more. Never. “Amelia’s eyes begged forgiveness that wasn't Jimmy's to grant. Billie lay still on the floor, weeping softly. Amelia fell to the floor and tried to embrace her daughter. Billie looked up and shook her head yes, as if years of neglect were of no importance. They were important, but something inside told her that she couldn't afford to lose both her mother and father.

"I'm so sorry...I knnnneeewww....I should have....he....Billie... BBBilllie... pleeeeese." Billie pulled her close and kissed her on the face.

"Whhhhyyyyy, Mommmeeeee...whhhhyyy?" Amelia stared at her daughter, no answer could satisfy a question like that; she had no explanation. She began to shake, causing Billie to pull her closer.

"He...." It was all she could get out before she collapsed in her mother's arms.

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

---

That night...

Johnny opened the door and stepped inside the bedroom.

“Kitten...Daddy’s home....” He climbed on top of the bed; it sagged and the springs creaked under the extra weight. He reeked of rum and cigarettes; his smell actually filled the room.

“Have you been a good girl?” He laughed softly but his tone was anything but fatherly. The girl shifted under his weight. She had on the pink baby-doll he had bought for her birthday and her hair was pulled back in a pony tail.

“There’s my girl.” He said and the girl spoke.

“Not really, but maybe someday.” Jimmy sat up and pulled off the wig and grinned at his father.

“You little shit...I should kill you...but you are going to get the beating of your life.” His voice was mean and left no question of his intent. His face reddened with wage. He jumped off the bed and started to pull out his belt from his pants.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you, you bastard.” Amelia turned on the light. Billie stood beside her as she stepped toward Johnny.

“You’ll never touch either of these children again.” She shook with rage and fear and shame, but nothing was going to push her back ever again.

“I’ll fucking kill you all.” He shouted, stepping closer to her and Billie until he heard a familiar clicking sound as Jimmy cocked the shotgun.

“Nope...not today...not ever.” He began to cry; years of fear fell off him like leaves from a dead tree, and new green strength appeared.

“If you come back here, Johnny, I will have you arrested. You’re lucky you’re not dead already, but you are dead to all of us. You have fifteen minutes to grab whatever you can and leave. When you get to your new place I’ll have everything else sent there.” Her voice wavered as she began cry. Johnny took that as a sign of weakness and he stepped closer to her.

“Come on, babe...you don’t want to do this...we can work it out.” He stopped short as her palm slammed into his cheek with a hard slap.

“As God is my witness, Johnny, if you don’t leave this instant I will kill you myself.” She raised her other hand, which held Johnny’s thirty-eight revolver.

“Whhha...you can’t do this!” He screamed as he began to cry. His cries became whimpers as he pled with her.

“Look...I’m sorry...I’ll get help...don’t do this, pllllleaaaase.” He fell at her feet and began to sob. Years of identical behavior after his abuse had set a pattern that was almost etched in stone. He would grow angry and sullen and hit her; she would threaten to leave but back down at his pleading or his bullying behavior, depending upon his mood. Each time she backed down it further solidified his cruel stranglehold on the family.

“Kitten...Tell your Mom what happened...we were only playing, right? Tell her.” By now he was weeping, but years of broken promises coupled with pain and anguish and horror prevented Billie from even speaking. She stepped behind her mother, crying; she couldn’t forgive him even if she wanted to. Her innocence was lost, maybe forever, and there was no chance in hell that he could stay there.

“Leave her alone, Johnny. You’ve hurt us all for the last time.” She cocked the hammer on pistol.

“It would be easy enough to shoot you right here, and have Jimmy put the shotgun in your hands, but I’m not going to risk my future with my girls for you.” Johnny’s face turned from outrage to shame to sadness to anger to confusion, stopping at the last at the mention of the word, ‘girls.’

“Yes, Johnny, you have TWO daughters, not one, and I’m going to make sure that both of them are safe.” She continued to shake and her voice was tinged with sadness, but it wasn’t for him.

“I am going to the police on Monday and tell them just what you’ve been doing. I swear to god I will you will never hurt us again. She winced as she recalled the beatings she endured for years; keeping her own hurt and pain from her children had only served to enable him and did nothing to prevent his evil from reaching out and hurting them.

His face changed as he saw the resolve in hers; he realized her tears weren’t just sadness but anger and resolve mixed together. He stood up and his look was that of a feral beast that had been defeated. He skulked as he walked to the door.

“You want promises you ungrateful bitch? I swear you will never get away with this. I have friends in this town...lots of guys who owe me big time, and they’ll back me against you and these brats.”

The tone and the name calling only served to put a verbal expression to the hatred and cruelty they had felt all along. Nothing he could say or do at that point would hurt them more than they already were.

“You’re sick and you need to get some help. Maybe they’ll have someone you can talk to when you go to jail.” The voice came from behind as well as a nudge from the shotgun. Johnny looked into his son’s eyes...her eyes? He saw a difference in his child; no longer fearful, but something was different. Reluctance? A weakness? He made the wrong assumption and went to grab the shotgun. A loud bang filled the bedroom and he winced in pain as a bullet pierced his calf before embedding itself in the floor.

“You bitch...you shot me.” He screamed in pain and grabbed his leg. He was actually lucky...she was aiming for his back, but she closed her eyes when she pulled the trigger.

“Billie...Go to the phone and dial operator. When she answers, tell her to call the police and send someone over here with an ambulance, too.” Billie stood for a second, still shaking from the sound of the gun.

“Go ahead, honey...it’ll be okay...go ahead.” Amelia said, keeping her eye on Johnny, who was writhing on the floor. After a few anxious minutes, the sight of red and blue flashing lights illuminated the dark hallway through the front window.

“Put the wig back on, baby.” She smiled nervously at Jimmy who nodded before donning the wig on once again.

Minutes later...

A tall man in a blue uniform stood at the doorway, partially behind the frame. His voice was calm and measured as he viewed the man writhing on the floor, a shotgun lying under his left arm.

“Ma’am, I’ll need you to step away from the dresser.” If Sargeant Jack McCarthy was anything, it was reasonable. He had arrived at the house with his partner, who was with Billie in the living room. Johnny hadn't even noticed that Amelia had laid the revolver on the dresser since he was too busy cowering; she stepped back.

“He had a shotgun....” She started to cry. The tears were real, but more out of relief than fear and sadness.

“She shot me,” Johnny mewled as he sat up.

“I can see that, sir. Let me handle this, okay?” Jack reached down and pulled the shotgun out from under Johnny and ejected the shells and handed it to his partner.

“He tried to shoot you and your kids? Is that what this is all about?” Jack read way more into it than normal, but he knew Johnny Elia from his reputation around town; Johnny wasn’t nearly as popular as he thought, and most folks hated him. Johnny looked up and complained.

“Whatthefuck? She shot me...the kid had a shotgun on me...” Jack cut him off.

“Parsippany Rescue is coming, sir. Hey, Pete? Can you step in here and keep an eye on the perp?”

“The perp? She shot me!” Johnny yelled. Jack leaned over and whispered,

“If you don’t shut the fuck up right now, I will personally see that the ambulance takes the long way around and it’ll be to Mountainside, you fucking dickhead.” Mountainside was nearly twenty miles away, as opposed to St. Clare’s, which was just down the road.

“He made me dress up like my sister.” Jimmy hated lying. His new fascination and pull toward the softer gender was actually beginning to feel good, and dressing up in his sister’s nightgown at any other time would have been wonderful, if still strangely confusing. But for this moment, he was repulsed, wanting to strip down and burn the garment.

“He’s lying...He’s lying...” Johnny shouted before Jack kicked him leg, causing him to scream in pain.

“Keep an eye on this piece of shit while I talk to Mrs. Elia, okay, Pete?” He said as he ushered the family out of the room. Officer Pete Lydeksen glared at Johnny before nodding.

“No problem.”

Pete leaned over, making sure to press his weight on Johnny’s leg, causing him to whimper.

“You know? I wouldn’t piss him off, if I were you. He does have a gun, you know. So I think it would be a good idea if you just listen for a moment, sir.” He reached into his vest and pulled out a laminated card.

“You have a right to shut the fuck up, you sick fuck. Anything you say can and will be used against you in court of law, you fucking pervert. You have right to an attorney, you scumbag. If you can’t afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you, you fucking piece of shit. Do you understand?” Johnny made no noise. Pete leaned over more, making sure to point his knuckles into Johnny’s leg.

“Yessss....Yesssss,” he screamed.

“Good!”

A half hour later the ambulance arrive and the rescue squad members stood outside the room and chatted with the two policeman while Johnny whimpered on the floor.

After loading Johnny into the back of the ambulance, the squad left along with one of the police cars. Jack turned back and shook his head at Amelia. She sat on the couch, with Billie sitting next to her, patting her back. Jimmy had changed into his pajamas, and was standing in the doorway, watching his father leave the home for the last time.

“Ma’am...I’m so sorry...My mom put up with... Listen, here’s a card with my number on the back. If you need anything, just give me a call, okay? He nodded at Billie and smiled at Jimmy with a wink, as if he knew something important but couldn’t say...for now.

Late into the night...

Jimmy lay in his bed, looking up at his familiar nighttime vista; model airplanes hung from the ceiling. He sighed and turned over on his side. It was a long, painful day, but for the first time in his life, he felt hopeful...and his new-found strength gave him every reason that things would be okay for his mother and his sister...his sister...things started to merge together as he drifted off to sleep....his sister....He looked over to the door of his bedroom. The lights in the hallway were off, and his own room was dark save for the moonlight peeking through the curtains; the stream of dull light was barely bright enough, but the light did set off the auburn highlights of the wig he wore to bed....

---

Sometime...later....

“Jimmy...come on...we’ve got to get going, honey. I’ve got your toast and juice on the table...are you ready for school?” Amelia called down the hallway.

“I took a shower last night, Mom...I’ll get dressed and be there in sec, okay?” He hopped out of bed and threw on a polo shirt and a pair of jeans along with his black Chucks and socks. He set the wig on his dresser almost reverently, like the prized possession it was. Maybe later. He still wondered why he felt the way he did. The urge to dress and be a girl seemed to have waned overnight.

“Maybe that’s the way it goes....” He thought as he walked down the hall. He looked into Billie’s room to see if she had gotten ready yet and got a shock. The room was almost bare of personality; no posters or keepsakes or animals or dolls. The bed was different. Instead of a four-poster, it was simple, with a headboard and simple pillows.

“No!!!Mom????” He shouted as he ran down the hall.

“Where’s Billie?” He panicked as he reached the kitchen. Things seemed a bit different but familiar at the same time.

“Oh, honey...he called to ask if you could meet him at his house. The Jensen boy was picking on him after school yesterday when you had basketball practice. I can walk with you both if you like?”

“No...No...That’s okay...I can handle it.” He picked up the rye toast off the plate and took a bite before downing a gulp of grapefruit juice. His face twisted into a pucker as the mix of toothpaste and citrus woke him up.

“Don’t forget to ask Miss Brusschi, hon. I’m sure she’s got nothing planned...I know she has no family except Billy, so they’re welcome here for Thanksgiving, okay?

“Mom...did the cops take Dad away? Where is he now? Amelia’s expression turned to surprise and sadness.

“Oh...honey...we need to ask Dr. Alterbaum about your memory...you asked me yesterday. He...” She shook her head. Her grandmother had told her to never speak ill of the dead. Johnny Elia had been stabbed to death in prison for attempted murder and rape; maybe Jimmy was blocking, like Dr. George had told them at their last visit.

“He died, honey, remember?” She shook her head as the bewilderment seemed to hang on Jimmy’s face.

“Yehhhh...yes? Oh...” He nodded, trying very hard to recall something quite familiar and yet totally brand new.

As angry and sad as she was, Amelia let it go at that. The prison doctor had told her that Johnny’s death was, which was very strange, even for a stab wound to the abdomen. And at his passing he told her that Johnny screamed loudly and complained about the burning pain. Belly wounds can sometimes do that, but he was conscious and in agony until the end. Amelia wasn’t asked to identify the body since he died in prison, but the doctor would have advised against it.

“His last words were, ‘I’m sorry...no!’” The prison doctor decided against telling her that the look on Johnny’s face was the worst look of pain and horror that he had seen in all his time in medical practice.

---

On the way to school...

“Nick still raggin’ you, huh?” Jimmy asked as they approached the school. Right on the corner of Littleton and Beachwood, Nick Jensen and Steve Albin stood, waiting.

“Hey, Elia...still hangin’ around with the queer?” Nick said and Steve laughed.

“What? You mean my best friend?” Jimmy put his arm around Billy’s shoulder and smiled at the boys as they walked past.

“He’s a fucking queer, Jim. I thought I was your best friend.” Nick almost seemed to beg.

“No! He’s my friend, too, Nick!” While confident and almost forceful, Jimmy seemed surprised at the nearly gentle demeanor he displayed. He liked Billy, and he didn’t care if anyone knew. Billy looked back at the boys as he and Jimmy climbed the hill. Turning to Jimmy he smiled and said,

“You really told them...I’ll never forget this, Jimmy...ever.”

"Me neither, Bil...me neither."

---

Thanksgiving at the Elia home...

“Oh, I’m so glad could make it.” Amelia said as she greeted the guests at the door. She and Jimmy had worked all morning to get everything ready for their friends.

“I’m so glad we could come, Mrs. Elia." She smiled before adding,

"I don’t believe you’ve met my fiancé? Amelia Elia, this is Jack McCarthy.” She grabbed the arm of the tall handsome man in the blue uniform by her side. She smiled and nodded at Amelia and Jimmy. Jack waited until Amelia offered her hand before shaking it.

“I’m sorry for the uniform, but I just got off my shift a while ago and I haven’t been able to get home.

"Please to meet you, Jack."

He leaned over only slightly and offered his hand to Jimmy who shook it with a look of puzzlement on his face as Jack winked; the kind of wink that said he knew something Jimmy needed to know? As if to say,

"You'll find out."

“Hi, Jim.” A voice from behind Carla spoke. Jimmy looked past her to see a girl about his age standing on the front porch.

“Hhhhhuuhh hi.... Billie?” The girl smiled. She wore a pale yellow dress and matching shoes. Her long brown hair was pulled back in a soft ponytail, revealing new clip on garnet earrings.

“And of course you know my....niece.” Carla said with a soft laugh.

“I can’t tell you how much this means to her...to us.” She looked at Billie and continued.

“She can’t do anything like this...you know...away from home. Jack’s brother Tim is a psychologist. He said that the more opportunities she gets, the better off she’ll be when the time comes. Kids don’t get the kind of treatment and nearly enough attention in this stuff that adults do. Tim said that it’s high time things changed, and he’s working with Billie to see that happens for her.

“Well, it’s not like we don’t know what that’s all about,” Amelia said with her own soft laugh as she pointed back to Jimmy, who looked nervous but adorable in a bright robin’s egg blue dress and navy flats.

---

Epilogue...

Morris County Daily Record, July 26, 1981

Drs. James Elia and Cynthia Cohen were wedded in Holy Matrimony at Parsippany Christian Church last Saturday, July 18. Ms. Cohen was given in marriage by her father and mother, David and Nancy Cohen. The bride was attended by her best friend, Mrs. Billie Brusschi Jensen, as matron of honor. The groom was attended by his best friend, Mr. Nicolas Jensen, husband of the matron of honor. After a brief honeymoon in St. Lucia, BWI, the Elia-Cohen’s will reside in Hackettstown, New Jersey, where they have a Family Counseling practice.

Oh...and one more thing? While the wedding was traditional in every sense of the word, on their wedding night? Both the groom and the bride wore white; long flowing soft white silk... simply enchanting.

And somewhere else in the Caribbean

Meanwhile Though the wedding was traditional in every sense of the word, on their wedding night? Both the groom...correction...both brides...Jamie Lynn Elia, one year past her surgery (shh...it's a secret) and Cynthia Rachael Cohen, wore white; long flowing soft white silk... simply enchanting.

And in yet another part of the Caribbean???

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

---

Blackbird
Words and music by
John Lennon and Paul McCartney
as performed by The Beatles
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5CUHHGlQg0