Voiceover: It's Transformative is funded in part by a grant from Asimov's Foundation Emporium and by viewers like you.
Jennifer Brock:
Recently the San Bernadino Barnes & Noble saw the first release of a new novella by one of the internet's leading modern writers, Joyce "Five Sites" Melton.
Joyce:
Hello.
Jenni:
May I just sidetrack for one moment. This -- what shall I call it -- nickname of yours...
Joyce:
Ah yes.
Jenni:
"Five Sites". How did you come by it?
Joyce:
Well, I don't use it myself, but some of my friends call me "Six Sites".
Jenni:
And do you in fact have Seven Sites?"
Joyce:
Well, sort of. I've had a few for some time, but a few years ago I said I was thinking of getting another, and since then some people have called me "Eight Sites".
Jenni:
In spite of the fact that you've lost track of how many sites you actually have?
Joyce:
Yes.
Jenni:
And are you still intending to open yet another site?
Joyce:
(impatient): No!
Jenni:
...To bring you in line with your epithet?
Joyce:
No.
Jenni:
I see, I see. Well to return to your serial.
Joyce:
Ah yes.
Jenni:
Oddways is it?
Joyce:
No! Strangewise!
Jenni:
Did you write it on any of the sites?
Joyce:
(surprised) No!
Jenni:
Have you in fact written any of your recent work on any of these sites of yours?
Joyce:
No, no, of course not. They're not physical locations!
Jenni:
I see, I see. And you're thinking of opening yet another site at which you may write your serial?
Joyce:
No, no. Look. This site business -- it doesn't really matter. The sites aren't important. A few friends call me Nine Sites and that's all there is to it. I wish you'd ask me about the fiction. Everybody talks about the sites. They've got it out of proportion -- I'm an author. I'm going to get rid of the sites. I'm fed up with them!
Jenni:
How terribly sad!
Joyce:
What?
Jenni:
How sad. Then you'll be "Siteless" Melton, eh?
Joyce:
Look, forget about the sites. They don't matter.
Jenni:
And your Illustrated Fiction, what was that again? Killians Irish Red, wasn't it?
Joyce:
No...No...It's Quillian...Teenager from Hell. Don't you people do your friggin' research?
Jenni (sternly):
Ms Melton, I think, with respect, we ought to return to the subject of your fiction.
Joyce:
What?
Jenni:
Apparently your newest site will be dedicated to Casper the Friendly Ghost Trangender fan fiction?
(WWW.Caspergirlfans.org appears on the screen behind them)
Joyce (turning around):
What's that!?!?!???
Jenni (innocently):
What's what?
Joyce:
It' a website!!...get it off!! get it off!!
(Jenni motions to screen, picture of Joyce appears behind them.)
Joyce (Grudgingly):
All right...That's better..
Jenni:
I understand that you used to be interested in baking.
Joyce:
What?
Jenni:
I understand that several months ago you were interested in baking.
Joyce:
Well what's that got to do with my friggin' fiction?
Pippa (entering):
Are you having any trouble with her?
Jenni:
Yes, a little.
Yeppers:
Exactly. Well we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, "Ten Sites".
Jenni:
Yes, make yourself scarce, "Eleven sites". This chatroom isn't big enough for the three of us! [They throw her out.]
Joyce:
Here, what are you doing? Stop it! [Crash.]
Jenni:
Get your own Arts program! Joyce "Twelve Sites" Melton...Never mind...
Pippa:
Oh Lady Brock, you're such a comfort. By the way, do you like my new boots?
TRANSGENDER
Misty:
OMG, Brock, what happened to you?
Brock:
Nurse Judy happened to me.
Misty:
You did this for her?
Brock:
No, she did this for me! I always wanted to see what it would be like to be a lesbian!
Misty:
Really? How is that going to happen?
Brock:
Well, She's been dating Sora Takenouchi from Digemon and she said we could double...she's got a real sweet girl for me....very nice personality.
Misty:
Really? That's cool! What's her name?
Brock:
I don't remember...Quenzel...no...that's not it....Qeusta...no...that's not it...Hmmm?
Misty:
KKK...KKKK....Qullian?
Brock:
Yeah! That's her name.
Misty:
Oh...my....gaaaawwwwwwwdddddd!
starring Kristine Roland And Andrea DiMaggio
Kristy:
Hey, Drea...I'd really like to get a makeover at that place in Fairfield.
Drea:
JerzyGirlz?
Kristy:
Yeah...I just don't have any money, and it costs about $300.
Drea:
I usually don't have any money either, but I got a "Bank Error - Collect $300" from Monopoly...You know I actually used to live on Ventnor Avenue in Atlantic City.
Kristy:
Gee, If we pool our money maybe we could get a make over.
Drea:
Sounds good! How much do you have?
Kristy:
About Three!
Drea:
$300?
Kristy:
No...three dollars.
Drea:
Oh, I guess you can't go then!
Kristy:
How about I bet you $300 that you're not here, okay?
Drea:
Oh...I don't know...you always get me on those bets.
Kristy:
Oh come on...
Drea:
Okay...sure.
Kristy:
I'll bet you $300 that you're not here.
Drea:
That's silly...I'm standing right here!
Kristy:
Nope...you're not here at all!
Drea turns to audience (gee...this is looking pretty good.)
Drea:
Okay, you're on...$300...now prove that I'm not here!
Kristy:
Okay...Are you at Sapphire's Place?
Drea:
No..they're rebuilding...I tripped over a pile of bricks...
Kristy:
Okay...Are you at Fictionmania?
Drea:
No...I go there once and a while...Bobbie C. and Alyssa and Bev and Megan and a whole bunch more post over there! But no, I'm here, silly.
Drea turns to audience again.(Can you believe her?)
Kristy:
Are you at Stardust?
Drea:
I post over there, but I heard it's gonna rain!
Kristy:
Are you at Storysite?
Drea:
No! I don't even think Storysite is at Storysite!
Kristy:
Okay, so you agree...you're not at Sapphire's Place or Fictionmania or Stardust or Storysite, right?
Drea:
Yeppers!
Kristy:
Well, if you're not at Sapphire's or Fictionmania or Stardust or Storysite, you've got to be someplace else, right?
Drea:
Well, I guess so!
Kristy:
And if you're someplace else....you can't be here! (Kristy takes $300 out of Drea's hand)
Drea:
Ooopsies!
Kristy gives Drea back the money and laughs. Drea gives her half of the money and they go out to Tiffany's in Pine Brook and drink Killian Red all night long!
Roland and DiMaggio's Comedy Hour is sponsored in part by Barbarella Dirt Moving Company. Directed by Susan Heywood. Produced by Melanie T. and Pippa K. Written by Bailey Summers, Amber, Cindy, Cyclist, and Topsy. Executive Producer: Alison Mary. Catering by Momonoimoto Baking and Halfelvin Organic Delicatessen. This has been a Bobbie C Production; distributed by SpacePup Television. This is Bob Arnold speaking!
It's Transformative is based in part on Monty Python's Flying Circus sketch, It's the Arts.
Roland and DiMaggio sketch based on the classic comedy of Bud Abbot and Lou Costello.
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Comments
Well,
ALISON
'who is on first? That is the question.
ALISON
Hey Gram...I have a QUESTION....
Is there such a thing as 'out'sane? I mean...insane just doesn't fit this type of humor. This is totally priceless...especially the first bit about 'twelve site'. Drea...you are def outsane!!!
May You Be So Always...
Your Brat
I am not amused. Arthur "Two
I am not amused.
Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson
OK, I was amused.
This is funny
Now that I have recovered. But the actual number of sites I run is somewhere near thirty, most of them moribund. :)
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Monday Mirth
Where are the Three Stooges?
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
three stooges?
they do physical comedy, mostly beating each other up, which wouldn't translate to the page very well. Monty Python and Abbot and Costello translate perfectly. Thanks for the laugh 'Drea.
Uhhhhhhhh...........
Abbott and Costello as well. But all of these people were rather sophisticated compared to the stooges.
"Drea, altho it is titled
"Drea, altho it is titled "Monday Mirth" and I read this on Tuesday, it was too funny for words. I could almost see the steam coming out of Joyce's ears as the "interview" continued. I did so love your "commercials" as to who brought these programs. Sadly, I am old enough to remember several of the products you mentioned. Oh well, time marches on eh? Thank you for keeping us all very happy and entertained by offering us your excellent writing talents. Hugs, Jan
If Erin Was an Ophthalmologist
Would she create a site for sore eyes?
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
*Groan!*
Go to the Naughty Step. Do directly to the Naughty Step. Do not pass "GO!" Do not collect 200 Kudos.
Thank you :)
There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't...
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
I Promise Not To Dump On You
My Cat651 got the hiccups laughing and tossed the operator (me) out of the saddle,
Joanne
Oh Well
I didn't find this until Tuesday. Maybe if I had second site, I would have found it sooner. {I know that's 'sight', so punnish me ;-)}.
Portia
Portia
I'm seriously worried
'Drea, I see that, once again, I'm credited with directing your ramblings. Given that I couldn't provide directions to the end of my back yard, entrusting to me something as important as this is downright dangerous.
I'm also getting seriously concerned about what I see as a general improvement in your humour. I'm more than ever convinced that you need a holiday. I understand that Susie and Jeffery have a special treat lined up for you; just make sure that you take a bike, some waterproofs and a blindfold (for the high-speed bus chase, of course). You don't get travel-sick, do you?
All the best from darkest North-West England.
Susie