---

Previously

'Cause he really is a oddity, a really queer commodity; a freakish trannie girl who’s bound for hell...

"Andy...Andy..wake up. Jack, Tommy...Andy isn't waking up. Oh God my painkillers...Dina! call 911!

---

Mercy Hospital Emergency Waiting Room, Council Bluffs,Iowa

"Mrs. Mangano? Are you Andy's mother?" The tall slim woman stood with her hand to her forehead.

"I'm his aunt...his...his parents are in Europe on business. I've notified them and you have the fax they sent."

"Emergency procedures are handled and we worry about the details afterwards. He's stable. We pumped his stomach. You got to him just in time. A few more minutes? I'm glad someone was there for him; he ingested about four pills. We've got a specialist that will see him when he's moved. I'm afraid he won't be going home this evening. I hope you understand."

"Oh gosh, yes. We just want him...we want Andy to be safe." Marie paused as Dr. Javit shook her head.

"This might have been a cry for help...he'll be evaluated to see if he's unsafe, but the worst is over for the time being." Marie began to cry.

"He's had some trouble lately in school. Bullying...not so much as just being ignored; he seems to be struggling with...”

"Mrs. Mangano, were you aware he was cutting himself?" Persis looked at her with a half-frown, not to judge, but in real concern.

"No, but I'm not surprised. He's having issues." She shook her head and bit her lip.

"He's such a precious kid, but his parents are rarely home and I think he might need some help with...."

"Mrs. Mangano, we know about his gender conflict. He was in and out for a while and he kept saying he didn't want to be a girl."

"You mean he's...I thought he was conflicted." She shook her head once again and stared down the hall as if some help might arrive to get everything sorted out.

"He is. Mrs. Mangano...May I call you Marie?" Marie nodded and Persis continued.

"He kept saying over and over, "I can't help it..." At one point he woke up completely after the procedure and began weeping. Roz, our charge nurse tried to calm him down but he was almost hysterical. Something about a girl...'It's too hard...I can't change...'"

Marie looked at Persis and tears filled her eyes.

"He's always been different. His dad and mom mean well. He's been to a couple of psychiatrists. He's staying with us and he told me the other night that he'd do what he could to make them happy...his parents. When I asked him what he meant, he shrugged his shoulders and frowned. 'I'll do my best.' Oh. God I should have seen this coming." Marie began to weep. Persis pulled her close and held her at arms length. She looked her in the eye and spoke softly but firmly.

"Marie...there was no way of knowing he would do this...there were no indications that you were aware of...his cutting is on his thighs, and in the middle of April he's not going to be wearing shorts. It's not your fault." She half-smiled and pulled Marie closer, hugging her while patting her on the back.

"We'll get this sorted out. The social worker will be talking to you to see if you folks need any help. I'm going to check on him and I'll see you upstairs after he's admitted. I'm sorry, but he'll be on the psych ward for at least tonight, okay?"

"Thank you...Doctor...? I don't know your name." Marie put her hand on Persis' arm.

"Javit…Persis Javit...You can call me Persis...I'll see you upstairs." She smiled and walked into the open elevator and was gone. Marie wiped her face with an eyeglass cloth she found in her jacket pocket. She went to walk back to the waiting area but stopped. Looking up, she mouthed a few words of prayer before sighing deeply. She thought of Dean, her own son, and how things had been kept quiet and hidden.

"No...No longer. She's my baby..." Her voice, already a whisper, trailed off as she vowed she'd talk with her husband and her other sons along with Dina when she got home.

---

A while later

“Honest, Mom…he didn’t say anything to me. We had a good afternoon on Saturday. I don’t know what’s going on…..” Dean hung his head as his mother leaned against the back of the chair in the waiting room. Andy had been moved upstairs and they were expecting Dr. Javit to come out any second on her way back down to the ER.

“He’s been cutting himself. Do you know anything about that?” She leaned forward and cupped his chin in her hand to get his attention.

“I didn’t know he was cutting…no.” He paused.

“I hear a ‘but’ in there somewhere. What’s going on? I thought things were getting better.”

“They were, but Saturday after we dropped the girls off, we were walking back to the car and the girls’ brother came up to us.” He turned away, trying hard not to start crying.

“Dean…what happened?”

---

The previous Saturday evening after the big double date

Meet me after dark again
And I'll hold you (hold you)
I want nothing more than to see you there (hold you)
And maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away
We'll be lost before the dawn

Annie stood on the porch. She was still self-conscious, but much of that dissipated as Maureen McKenna kissed her, right on the porch they would kid later.

"I hope you don't think I'm weird or anything," she said, leaving Annie to wonder how a girl who had just gone out on a date with a boy nearly as cute in a skirt as her would think she herself was weird. Annie just sighed and kissed her back.

"I saw a movie one time...that movie about the man and the Angel?" Maureen said out of the blue. Annie looked at her sideways. She smiled and whispered in his ear.

"I'm gonna love you Annie Mangano until the day I die!" She said, mimicking the little girl in the movie. Another kiss and a call from the sidewalk.

"Come on, Annie...we have to get back before Jack and Tommy!" Dina smiled and pointed to the car. Annie kissed Maureen one last time as Colleen waved and smiled at Dina from the front door. The girls walked back into the house and the cousins were rudely accosted by a loud voice.

Hey Mangano…what the fuck? Going to a freak party or sumthin’?” Archie McKenna stood in the middle of the sidewalk, flanked by his brother Jimmy and his friend Danny Carlin.

“Come on, Archie, leave ‘em alone.” Jimmy pulled on his brother’s sleeve, evoking a shove.”’

“No, Jimmy…this has to stop!” Archie stepped in front of Annie, blocking her path.

“Who the fuck do you think you are, takin’ our sisters out? You know Danny is dating Colleen, you fucking queer.” He shoved Annie hard, knocking her down onto the wet ground of the neigbor’s yard.

“Yeah…that’s my girl, you fucking fag.” Annie tried to get up but was pushed rudely to the ground by Danny. As he pulled his fist back to punch the girl, he felt his hand being pulled back suddenly. Turning around he found himself face-to-face with Jimmy McKenna.

“Stop it, Danny. They weren’t hurting you. Leave ‘em alone.” Jimmy let go of Danny’s hand.

“Fuck you, McKenna.” Danny went to hit Annie and ended up hitting Jimmy’s open palm. He twisted Danny’s hand behind his back, not too gently either.

“I said leave ‘em alone. What part of the word stop don’t you understand? Go home Danny. And you,” he said turning to his brother, “Get in the house now. I’ll deal with you later!” Archie thought about going at it with his big brother but thought better of it. He turned and started to walk back to the house, but not before spitting on Annie as he walked by.

“Fuck you, you little fag.” Archie laughed and walked off. Jimmy offered Annie a hand and pulled her to her feet. Dina brushed the mud off the back of Annie’s raincoat.

“Thanks, Jimmy.” Dina said and held her hand out. Jimmy took it tentatively but held Dina’s hand longer than just a shake.

“I can’t be everywhere, Dean. You guys need to back off. This isn’t going to work. I don’t have to go into the reasons, but you know this isn’t going to end up too good. And I don’t want my sisters hurt, so you better think about stayin’ away.” Jimmy let go of Dean’s hand and started to walk off. He got about ten years and stopped and turned.

“Archie may be stupid but he’s not going to let this go. It’s the stubborn McKenna blood I guess. He's clueless and really not that bad a kid, but he's convinced about this and he won’t let this go, and you’ll end up in the hospital.” He shook his head.

“Jimmy…I thought we were friends?” Dean held his hands out in a plea.

“Yeah…but our friendship only goes as far as my sisters’ well-being. You’re fucking with that and I won’t have it, friend or no. Please stay away, for everybody’s sake." Annie had already walked to the car, her head down. Dean caught up with her.

“Andy…Annie…don’t let that get to you.” Dean half-smiled.

“We don’t have to listen to those jerks.”

“He’s right. Even if the girls want to see us, they’ll end up the laughing stock of school. I can’t have that. Maureen is too important to me.” She got into the car but turned toward the window as Dean got in and started the engine.

“I thought you said you loved her?” Dean pled. Annie looked at him and frowned.

“That’s just it…I do..that’s why this has to stop…now.” She turned her head and leaned her forehead against the window and began to sob. A hand reached over and patted her on the back. Her shoulder tensed up and she tried to shrug it off. A soft voice spoke as Dina ‘returned.”

“It's okay, sis,” she said to her cousin as she rubbed Annie’s back. “It's okay.” She looked back at the house before putting the car in gear, her own eyes beginning to fill with tears.

Maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away
We'll be lost before the dawn

---

Two days later, Mercy Hospital Psychiatric Ward

"Okay, Andy...I think that's about it. You rest and someone will be in to see you about getting you discharged." The psych nurse smiled and left the room. He had been admitted overnight. He had taken the pills to sleep. His insomnia had gotten worse, and the Ambien the doctor prescribed wasn't helping at all. He misjudged the dosage, thinking that the four pills he took would just help him rest. So desperate that he had been foolish. He looked out the window of the room and sighed.

"Honey? It's going to be okay. I brought someone to help you." He stood motionless until he heard a familiar voice.

"Mom says we'll work together, okay sweetie?" Turning around he saw his cousin Dean...rather he saw his cousin Dina standing there smiling with tears in her eyes.

"Hey...you're out!" Andy said with surprise. Apart from their secret forays into the outside world, nobody but Aunt Marie had seen Dina besides him.

"I think we need to have a talk with your mom and dad when they get here tomorrow." Andy cringed at the thought. They were bound to be angry over the whole overdose thing, but his dad would really be on the warpath when the doctor talked to them on Monday.

"I can't, Aunt Marie...I'd rather...." He was going to use the word 'die,' but that wasn't what he meant. He was confused....He didn't really want to die, did he?

"Honey...they love you...really…you know that. We just have to work harder to help them understand. And we've got help with the doctor. And Dina here!" She squeezed Dina's hand.

"They don't understand. They think it's because of what they did or didn't do...it's not like that." He looked at Dina and shrugged as if to beg for help. Dina nodded, but it was too overwhelming for Andy. He began to cry. He looked around for the nurse, and when he didn't see her in the hall he sat on his bed.

"If they see me crying...." He looked up and tried to smile.

"It's okay, honey. You're coming home today. They sort of expect you to be crying." Marie sat down on the bed and hugged him.

"Aunt Marie...what if they won't let me...what if I have to stay this way...I don't know if I can do it." He buried his face in her arms and began to weep.

"Is everything okay?" The nurse came at the sound of his sobs.

"He just feels bad for what he did," which wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the only reason he wept. Andrew Peter Mangano, Junior was convinced that once his father got home, everything he held important about himself would be ignored, and the already altogether short and stifled life of Anne Marie Mangano would come to a sad end.

"It's okay, sweetheart...it's going to be okay,” Marie said as she stroked the boy's hair.

"It's going to be okay, right?" Marie mouthed as she looked upward. Glancing over at Dina she noticed her staring. She put her hands together and mouthed,

"Prayer." Dina smiled and nodded.

"Me, too, Mom." She put her left hand on Andy's shoulder and began to whisper words of comfort.

“Sisters, sweetie…sisters” She repeated several times while rubbing Andy’s back. Andy turned and faced Dina and half-smiled, tears still streaming down his cheeks. He took a deep breath.

“Yep…sisters.”

Somehow I know that we can't
Wake again from this dream
It's not real, but it's ours

---

The next day at the Mangano home

“Oh God, Andy what were you thinking? You could have died.” Constance put her gloves and purse on the table and rushed to the boy, pulling him in for a hug.”

“For god’s sake, Connie, don’t encourage him.” Andrew Mangano tossed his coat on the back of the couch. Walking over to Andy he stopped just short of contact.

“Do you realize what you just put your mother through?” He shook his head and looked away.

“Andy…” Marie spoke softly. “Why don’t you and Dean go and call out for Pizza….Get some Buffalo wings and some salad too. Your uncle Pete will be home in a while, and we didn’t get to shop. Andy and Dean quickly left the room as Andrew stood by the fireplace.

“Andrew?” She walked over and put her hand on his shoulder.

“The boy is scared to talk to you…don’t make it any harder.” She said softly as she rubbed his back. The gesture had a calming effect as Andrew relaxed.

“What are we to do? We’ve tried doctors…psychiatrists? We even took him to a hypnotherapist. Nothing helped.” He shook his head and sighed. Andrew Mangano loved his son, but he had absolutely no understanding whatsoever. Connie walked over and hugged him from behind.

“I know this is difficult,” she put rested her head on his back and began to sob softly.

“But we have to keep trying…he’s our child, Andy…he’s our boy.”

“I know…I just don’t know what to do.” Andrew turned and his eyes were filled with tears.

“I was afraid…we could have lost him.” He shook his head. Some misplaced guilt and shame had crept in and was threatening to smother the real honest and necessary conviction that Andrew felt.

“You need to listen to him. Hear him.” Marie said softly, putting her hands on Connie’s and Andrew’s shoulders.

“We’ve been listening.” Connie argued without strength, as if to convince herself as well as her sister-in-law.

“No, honey…you haven’t. You’ve heard the words but you haven’t listened to his mind…and his heart.” She shook her head even as Connie brought her hand to her mouth to stifle a sob.

“Let’s get you settled in. Pete should be home any second, and we can have dinner. There’s a lot we need to discuss about what happened and what the doctors said, okay?”

---

Later that evening after dinner

“Can I get anybody coffee?” Pete held up a mug.

“Tea, please?” Marie said as she grabbed the paper plates and soda cups off the table. Connie and Andrew nodded.

“Can we be excused? Kenny Giambrone is having a birthday party at his house tonight…we talked about it?” Jack and Tommy were getting up when Marie held her hand up.

“No later than 11:00, okay…it’s a school night and we have to get going early tomorrow.” Jack went to open his mouth but thought better of it as his father glared at him from the kitchen. The two nodded and smiled.

“Will you guys still be here when we get back?” Tommy asked. Andrew went to speak but Marie said,

“Oh, yes. And I really need you to be here before they leave, okay?”

“Sure thing, mom.” Jack kissed her on the cheek and Tommy waved from the door and they were off.

---

A little later that evening

“Dean, could you go take care of that errand we talked about this afternoon. Take Andy with you, okay?” Connie looked at Marie as the boys ran down the hall to Dean’s bedroom. Just getting the kids out of the room, she thought.

“Pete, let the dishes go for now…I need you to sit down so we call all talk together?” Pete nodded and put the mugs he had in his hand into the sink. He grabbed four bottles of Poland Spring from the fridge before sitting down.

“Okay, I know this is important and all, but what does this have to do with us,” he said as he looked at his brother and sister-in-law. Andrew looked at Marie as if to say, ‘yes, what of it?”

“Andy didn’t mean to O.D. The doctor at the hospital examined him and he was evaluated for self-harm.” Connie’s hand flew to her mouth and she once again stifled a sob.

“He hasn’t been able to sleep, as you guys already know. The Ambien wasn’t working. They usually don’t prescribe it for 15-year-olds to begin with, and the doctor recommended that Andy not use it until he sees the new psychiatrist.” She took a deep breath in anticipation of questions.

“Well, we already have him seeing Dr. Anderson.” Connie shook her head slightly, which Andrew took as a sign of disappointment, which it was.

“He’s out of touch. I know he means well, but Andy said the guy just doesn’t understand. I’m no expert on this stuff, but when you don’t think your shrink understands you, there’s a problem.” Andrew laughed nervously while looking down the hall.

“What are the boys up to? I thought Andy would at least be here so we can talk.”

“We’re not going to talk right away, okay? Let me answer your question first while the boys get ready, alright?”

“Get ready for what?” Connie asked. She looked over her shoulder down the hall as well.

“They’re just doing me a favor, sweetie. As far as the doctor goes? She’s a specialist who works with kids like Andy.” Marie almost cringed for the inevitable.

“Whatyamean? Kids like Andy?” Andrew said in a tone that would most accurately be described as his “outside voice.”

“Andy and boys like him…and girls…go through a period of development that isn’t really all that uncommon. Where they sort out who and what they are to become…more likely determine who and what the already are. You follow me?” Marie smiled and was met with three confused expressions.

“As a matter of fact, our Dean is going through the same…questions as Andy.” Pete looked down the hallway and saw a light coming from Dean’s bedroom.

“Dean’s going through questions? What…He’s fifteen. He’s already decided he wants to go to college. I thought a lot of those kinds of questions don’t happen until they get to college. Marie? What’s this all about?” Connie looked nervously at her watch, as if they were on a schedule.

“The boys are…different than a lot of their peers. Of course, we know that both of them are very bright, but then so are Jackie and Tommy. But they’ve got other issues they’re dealing with that…are different.” She cringed again as Pete half-stood up, hindered by her grip on his arm.

“For cryin’ out loud, Marie…what are you driving at?” He wasn’t angry, but his anxiety showed on his face; he was anticipating the worst, which wasn’t nearly as bad as what he was about to discover, at least from his perspective.

“After the evaluation, the hospital psychiatrist gave Andy a referral to Dr. Callahan…Patricia Callahan. After talking with her on the phone I set up an appointment for Dean as well.” She paused and all three faces looked at her as if to say, “And?”

“Dr. Callahan is a psychiatrist who deals with gender issues.” Connie dropped her empty mug on the table. Pete cocked his head as if to check his hearing. Andrew’s mouth opened wide as he stared blankly over Connie’s shoulder.

Standing in the archway of the hall were two cute if all too familiar teenage girls. Both girls had short hair, glasses, and nervous expressions. The blond wore a grey corduroy miniskirt over black tights with ankle boots. She had on a white t-shirt with a Coca-Cola logo under a blue denim vest. The mousy brown hair of the other girl was long enough for two tortoiseshell barettes. She wore a blue denim midi skirt and brown boots along with a light blue shell under a short, blue corduroy jacket. Marie smiled and said softly,

“Lady and gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time anywhere, Dina Louise Mangano and her cousin Anne Marie Mangano.” The introduction was followed by a soft thud as Connie’s head hit the table as she fainted; a soft but decidedly frustrated sigh by Andrew; and Pete’s exclamation.

“Sonofabitch!”

Next: Non-Identical Cousins

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Before the Dawn
words and music by
Amy Lee
as performed by Evanescence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivFXVuzwu5U