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"Mom?" Paulie walked into the living room and found his mother sitting in the rocker by the front window, holding a picture album. She had it open to a photo of her holding Stefano the day they came home from the hospital.

"Oh, Paulie, how are you honey? I haven't seen you for hours." Paulie stood back. He did not want his mother to see he had been crying.

"I...I've just been playing X-Box, Mom." He smiled at her, confident that in the shadows she saw nothing.

"I've been looking at pictures, honey." She opened to another page. "You won't remember this, but this is you the first time you held him in your arms. Your daddy was so worried you'd drop him. See the hand behind you? That's your dad. He was gripping your shirt so you wouldn't fall over. She laughed.

Paulie had wondered whether or not he would ever laugh again. At least he could breathe a sigh of relief. Rocco and Tony hadn't learned from the horrible act they all committed. Three weeks after Stefano's death, the pair tried to rob a bodega downtown. They didn't count on their unloaded gun being so provocative, which led to the storeowner shooting both of them in the chest at point blank range with a shotgun.

"Come on, Mom, have something to eat." Paulie insisted. His mother looked at him with a wistful smile.

"You know he looked up to you." A wonderful thing for a mother to say to her son, but it felt like a dagger had just pierced his heart.

"Paulie, he never told you. He didn't want to disappoint you, but he and I had our secret." She opened the album to another page. A picture taken at Breslin's Photo down the block. Two figures looking like they were going to Sunday brunch after church. A mother and her daughter. Both in lovely dresses and wrist-length gloves, like the Magnolia sisters. But the picture wasn't of a girl's day out. It was a photo that Rosa had the photographer take of her and her son; her transgender son, the sister that Paulie never know about.

Paulie took one look at the picture and his stomach began to churn. He ran into the bathroom and promptly threw up in the toilet. The picture itself wasn't repulsive. To be sure, seeing the last photo of his brother and finding out that his mother had encouraged that made him think of why his brother was killed, which led to his own guilt.

He turned on the cold water and put his head under the faucet. Standing up, he reached for a towel and came face to face with his own reflection in the newly replaced mirror. The face across from him seemed to change, and he saw, not his brother, but his belatedly discovered 'sister,' who smiled as before. This time he thought he actually heard the words,

"I forgive you." The trouble was, it wasn't his sister's forgiveness he sought that day.

“I forgive you,” the voice repeated. Only his father’s face had taken the place of his erstwhile sister. “Tell her.” The voice was soothing and gave him strength. He wiped the tears from his face which was an exercise in futility as they continued to flow. He walked back into the living room. His mother had the saddest look on her face, but she brightened as she took note of Paulie’s appearance.

“Mom, Mo….mom?” He began to sob. She looked at him and opened her arms.

“It’s okay, honey, we’ll get through this. I miss him too.” She said softly as he fell to his knees and placed his head in her lap. He started to shake.

“What’s this? Paulie? What’s wrong?”

“Ma mom….I’m….” He tried to speak but the words kept getting choked off by his sobs. Rosa stroked his hair.

“Don’t you worry, honey. It’s going to be alright.” She kissed his forehead. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“It’ll never be right ever again, Mom.” He managed to get out before he collapsed once again into her lap, overwhelmed by the gravity of what he was about to say. She continued to stroke his hair.

"Dormi, dormi Ninna nanna, ninna nanna dormi bambino bello dormi cu' tuo mama sta ninna nanna ch'io ti canto non t'a scordari piá¹ dormi dormi ninna nanna" ("Sleep, sleep lullaby, lullaby, sleep, precious baby sleep with your mama this lullaby I'm singing for you, please don't forget it sleep, sleep lullaby") She sang but he lifted his head and shook it.

“No, mama, no…no sleep ever again.” He sobbed. “Mama…I was there.” He looked at her as if his expression would let her know, but she asked?

“Paulie, what? What?” She looked in his eyes and the look back was one of utter despair; like a child who had lost his innocence, which Paulie had.

“I was there….I saw it…I saw it all.” He wiped his face with his sleeve in a futile attempt to staunch the flow of tears.”

“You saw it…oh…my baby!” She pulled him into herself and began to coo into his ear.

“No. Mom! I was there…I watched it happen…and I did nothing. to stop them!”

“It’s okay, Paulie…you were scared…I understand…It’s okay” He stood up and cried at her,

“Noooooo. Mom…you don’t understand. I helped them….I helped them kill Stevie!” He turned away and buried his face in his arm against the wall. Rosa jumped up and ran to him.

“What do you mean, you helped them?” She practically screamed. “Paulie, Paulie answer me!”

“They were going to beat up some kids and I tagged along. I held their jackets while they killed my baby brother. Oh, Mommy I am so sorry. I am so so sorry.” He cried and cried.

She walked to him and pulled him around and looked at him with the most hurt and angry look he had ever seen. And then she slapped him in the face. She began pounding on his chest with her fists. He offered no resistance.

“Killer…killer….I hate you…I hate you.” She said it over and over. She wasn’t a strong woman; the blows did no harm, but her anger hurt more than any pain he had ever known. And then she stopped.

“Oh, Paulie…Paulie, I am so sorry…I don’t hate you. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Now she was the one who pled. She was the one who wept while he just stood there. And then he turned his back. Not in anger but because he felt he didn’t deserve her mercy and apologies. He would never ever be able to face his mother again. He began weeping harder than he had ever in his life as he closed his eyes and he saw his sister’s face…the face of an angel.

Rosa grabbed him and pulled him close. He tried to push her away, but even in her weakened state she was determined.

“No….Mommy…I killed Stevie…you ….no…don’t….Mommy…don’t.” He begged her to let go but she held on.

“No Paulie, I lost one son, I am not going to lose another.” She kissed him and he felt her tears trickle down his neck. He tried once again to pull away but he couldn’t. He gave up and fell to the floor.
His sobs were almost animal like as he wailed with inconsolable grief.

“Nooo….nooo….Mommy…I’m sorry….I’m sorry.” He cried over and over. She fell to the floor and held him in her arms, almost like the man had held Stevie days before. And though he took a breath, and would continue, his eyes were as lifeless as the eyes of the pretty girl he knew as his brother, but without the peace and serenity; he was twice dead and alive at the same time

“Bello Bello, mi figlio…dormi bambino bello,” she said over and over until they both were sitting in the dark hours later.

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“Mrs. Scialpi, if you insist on this course of action, I’m afraid I won’t be able to defend your son.”
Cal Penetente looked at her and shrugged his shoulders. “I can’t mount any type of defense with the concessions you want to give the DA.”

“Mr. Penetente. I believe you misunderstand. I don’t want you to defend my son. There is no defense for what he did.”

“That seems awfully harsh, Mrs. Scialpi.” Cal had worked with difficult parents in representing teens, but Mrs. Scialpi was an enigma. She seemed genuinely supportive and loving of her son, but she had refused Cal’s advice, which was not only wise, but perhaps Pauli’s best hope for freedom.

“Not harsh, Mr. Penetente not at all. I want you to demonstrate to the court that my son is remorseful and very willing to accept the justice that his act requires.” Any other mother would have sounded cold, but the tears in her eyes were evidence that she loved her son.

“Mr. Penetente? I want to do this…I need to do this…for Stevie’s sake.” Pauli was truly trying to change, but he still struggled saying his sister’s name.”

“Paul…you have to remember this. I know this is difficult, but even with the deal with the DA, if you show no change in your attitude, however small, the judge is going to throw the book at you.”

“He is trying, Mr. Penetente. He never knew that his brother and I shared the secret”

“Mrs. Scialpi. Paul is facing a long time in prison; perhaps the maximum sentence; eight to ten years. You shouldn’t have agreed to the terms without knowing the charge.”

“We understand, but we also have faith that God knows my boy’s heart and before this is over the judge will as well.” She smiled at Cal and turned to hug her son.

“Mom, I don’t care… I just want to get this over. Daddy said…I have to face this. I deserve to die, mom. I deserve to die.” He began to weep. That he felt no hope at all was apparent. But he didn’t care about the hope of freedom. He had lost all hope for his own humanity and wept over the loss of ever being alive again.

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“I have you in chambers so we can discuss the plea agreement you both have reached.” The judge looked at the DA and Cal Penetente.

“It’s highly unusual for a defendant to enter into a plea arrangement before gaining an understanding of the terms. Young man?” The judge looked at Paulie.

“Has your attorney explained the arrangements for your plea?” Paulie nodded. His mother spoke.

“Your honor, if I may?” She looked at the Judge, who nodded and said,

“Of course, Mrs. Scialpi.”

“I just wanted you to know that Paulie is prepared to accept whatever consequences the court deems appropriate.” She smiled and sat back.

“Well then, if that’s the case, I shall see you all in court in one hour.”

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“Are the terms of the plea arrangement agreeable to both the District Attorney and the Defendant?”

“Yes, Your Honor, Cal said and nodded to Paulie.”

“Your honor, while the District Attorney’s office is amenable to the plea, we take exception to the fact that the Department of Justice has stated it may pursue federal charges related to the ‘Hate Crimes’ statute. That in itself may nullify any and all agreements this office and the defendant have before the court.

“Duly noted, Counsel. The State has already been appraised of the unique circumstance concerning this case. The primary suspects in this case are deceased, and there are no corroborating witnesses other than the defendant concerning the nature of this crime. Barring any new evidence, the State will be sorely pressed to mount an indictment. Now, to the matter at hand. The judge looked at Paulie and continued.

“Young man, in agreement with the District Attorney, the court has decided to forgo any stipulation regarding the crime in deference to your mother. Have you been apprised by your attorney of the arrangement into which you are about to enter?”

“Yes, Your Honor.” Paulie put his head down, not out of disrespect but shame, which was understandable, and guilt, which was entirely appropriate.

“Is there anything you would like to say to this court before I pass out sentencing?” The Judge sounded stern, but the look on his face seemed almost fatherly.

“Yes, Your Honor.” The Judge nodded and Paulie began.

“I did not mean to hurt my….” He paused. Try as he may, he struggled with and found it difficult to call Stefano his sister. Nevertheless, he pushed past his own fear and ignorance.

“I did not mean to hurt my …sss…sister.” He wasn’t hesitating out of unfamiliarity. In that one moment he realized just whom he had lost. Someone who had always looked up to him and someone he cared about too little to understand.

‘BBButtt….I meant to hurt someone. I know I didn’t….” He sobbed for a few seconds and then composed himself.

“I …..I may as well have killed..kkkkkillled her myself. If I didn’t look out for them….. she.. ssshheed be alive today…..MOOOmmmy I am soo sorry.” He put his hand over his face and wept.

“It…it’s my fault…I deserve to die for this…..doesn’t it say that somewhere….I killed my sister.”

He wasn’t being maudlin or histrionic. His heart was rent in two by the realization that he’d never see her again. The boy he taught how to ride a bike. The friend he had when he felt lonely. The child who saw him as a hero. The sister he’d never ever know… He collapsed into his chair and wept at the knowledge that his sister was lost to him forever. Some might say that would be punishment enough, but even in his loss, he began to understand that the world didn’t revolve around Paulie Scialpi.

“I think it best that we take a recess. It’s nearly noon, so let’s all plan on being back here at one-thirty.” The judge banged his gavel and the crowd emptied as he retreated to chambers. Paulie sat in his chair, still weeping, almost a wail of utter despair as his mother put her hands out palms down; wanting to comfort her son while her grief over her daughter prevented her.

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The judge sat at his desk. He stared at the photo of his daughter. She would have been about college age, had she lived. His own heart ached for the loss that Mrs. Scialpi felt as he thought of his own daughter’s murder as a high-school senior. Her case had never been solved, leaving both him and his wife in doubt and without closure.

His anger still burned against the unknown forces…fate? Kismet? Karma? Whatever grand design that included his daughter’s death escaped him, and he remained without solace even after three years. He thought of Mrs. Scialpi; torn in two. How she must hate her son; how she must love her son? He looked once again at the picture, put his arms on the table, placing his head tentatively on his arms, as if he had no right; he was a judge, wasn’t he? But he was a father as well. He turned his head to the side, glanced once more at her picture and wept.
 

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“I have reached what I consider to be not only fair and just, but a compelling decision. I believe there is no other recourse for me but for what I am about to pronounce. Will the defendant please rise?”

Paulie stood slowly and shakily. He was not fearful of the sentence. No bravado, his confidence lie in the fact that he believed that whatever the judge decided, it couldn’t be any worse or unbearable than the gaping hole in his soul from the twin losses of his sister and his own innocence.

“Paul James Scialpi, in accordance with the plea arrangement made between you and the court, you have pled guilty to murder in the third degree. Your indifference to the victim led to her untimely death. It is not enough to say that you didn’t know who the victim was; you went with parties unknown to render bodily harm to same victim. That the decedent was your sister has no bearing in your verdict. Therefore, in accordance with the laws of this state, you are sentenced to six years”

He paused before continuing. “…with all but twelve months minus one day suspended.” The courtroom began to buzz, causing him to bang his gavel.

“For the record, there are no mitigating factors in this decision. However, I am taking into consideration that the defendant’s mother is also the mother of the decedent. Furthermore, barring any change in behavior or attitude, this court feels that the defendant’s and the state’s needs intersect, and that justice will be better served with the sentence as pronounced…In short, no one, including the court, benefits from this boy going to prison.’ He paused to see any change in Paul’s demeanor. Paul remained tearful.

“The remainder of the sentence will be served under the supervision of the Open Arms Community Fellowship. Pastor Nan Infante will be the primary supervisor of the defendant. Mr. Scialpi will reside with Rev. Infante and her partner, Inez Rodriguez, who will also provide supervision for the defendant. Mr. Scialpi will serve the church and any ministry decided upon for no less than forty hours a week, with his primary responsibilities working at the church teen coffee house. Suitable arrangements will be made for Mr. Scialpi to receive visits from his mother and to visit her on occasion.” He paused and looked at the courtroom.

“Mr. Scialpi. There is no atonement for what you did. Nothing can redeem the loss of your sister; your mother’s only other child. Hopefully this will be an opportunity for Paul Scialpi to be redeemed. It is my fervent prayer that it does. Good luck, son. This court is adjourned.”

The crowd was stunned into silence. Paulie sat down and wept. Rosa walked around the gate and shook Cal Penetente’s hand before sitting down next to her son. She was weeping for joy, since she felt the court was entirely fair and just. Paulie wept because he felt the court was entirely unfair; he deserved to die. He looked into his mother’s eyes and for the first time he saw the resemblance between her and Stefano…no, he said to himself. Steffie. He closed his eyes and saw her face again before he dissolved once more into a sea of tears.

Based in Part on Acts 9:1-9 and I Timothy 1:15-19

Next: Becoming Whole

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A Way performed by
Words and Music by
Tim Marsh, Michael W. Smith & Gary Chapman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_m5x4Mdjn5w

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Please note: Under most modern statutes in the United States, murder comes in four scenarios: (1) intentional murder; (2) a killing that resulted from the intent to do serious bodily injury; (3) a killing that resulted from a depraved heart or extreme recklessness; and (4) murder committed by an Accomplice during the commission of, attempt of, or flight from certain felonies.
 
Since Paulie's decision to act as a lookout enabled his friends to commit the crime that resulted in his sister's death, he was convicted for scenario number three; depraved heart or extreme recklessness.
http://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Third-degree+m...

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