I'm hurting a lot right now, not that lots of others on this site haven't been hurt as much.

And to top it off I'm feeling more than a bit isolated and down, depression catches me like that sometimes.

Look, its been a full day okay?

One of the most frustrating aspects of my life is my struggle with personal care tasks. It seems like I have a hard limit on the spoons I can spend on them, which means even on good days I'm having to choose which ones I can attempt and which ones I can't. So its like I could shower, but then I wont be able to shave. If I shave, I wont be able to brush my teeth, or stuff like that. All of the above assumes a good day, as things are even worse if I'm depressed, sick, or fighting with my PTSD.

As I said, this is frustrating, but I cant seem to find an answer to the problem.

Yes I've remembered to do a post today -

the worst part of being beat up by Mr. Nasty is nothing he says is totally false. The list of my failures, the black goo in my subconscious my self-destructive tendencies, it all has basis in fact. So as much as I hate to keep asking, of you actually like me, could you remind me as to why?

Difficult to believe I know

I am sorry to anyone expecting more writing from me

But with mom losing her car and my brother being diagnosed with early onset dementia, I've been tapped out since before Christmas, just zip for writing spoons.

i am trying to keep positive for my mom's sake. she is so fragile that I have to be the strong one, but i wish I could go somewhere and just grieve without being a burden. Not being able to grieve is burning me right out. I havent slept well, and am barely functional.

so again, sorry.

I just wanted to wish all of my friends here a very Happy New Year, and best wishes for 2020.

This was my fourth holiday season since going full time as my true self, and the best yet. Whether because I have become more natural and comfortable in myself, and hence more passable, or because the public around me is simply becoming more accepting, I can’t say. Perhaps a little of both?

I had a really bad dream last night:

in the dream I was back in school, got lost and so was late to a class that seemed to be all about taking a pile of objects and making something from them. I had no idea what I was doing, spilled all my stuff on the floor and ended up late leaving the classroom because I was trying to clean up my mess

I keep having dreams like this. Clearly my subconscious is trying to tell me something, and will keep hammering me till I get it, but other than a sense of frustration and failure I'm drawing a blank.

To paraphrase Noddy Holder, 'So here it is, we've had Christmas, everybody did have fun, look to the future now, its all still to come!'

The damage to my brain may be permanent. Fortunately my mind has come back, minus some ability to form memories ,recognize faces, and reduced thinking speed. I have recently reconciled myself to being paralyzed on the left side and in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. Emotionally I have climbed out of a long deep hole and am ready to continue the rest of my life. What I have now strongly resembles ADD.

I feel a bit like a person standing in a open field watching lightning bolts hit all round me but sparing me. A good percentage of my friends and relatives have suffered loss, grief, injury, or illness in the last little while. I feel bad for all of them, but I'm almost getting burned out and I'm worried that if I get personally struck I'm gonna have no spoons to deal.

Yes indeedy

Downton Abbey has always seemed far too stern and tacturn for me. I've seen little snippets of it but always backed away to avoid the painful seriousness. For reasons unclear to me, I felt drawn to it yesterday, and rented the first episode of it, and am watching it in little bits.

I can't work out why or if the people were actually that inhuman to each other.

I'm not sure what I feel about Christmas this year what with one thing and another.

I wasn't sure if I should post this, but I've been fighting off dark thoughts since last night. I've been trying to make myself reply to messages and comments like I usually do today, but my heart and mind just haven't been in it. I got home from our friend's funeral, and dinner afterwards last night, already upset and drained emotionally. I made myself send my mom an email because it was her birthday and then gmail decided to show me an email I should have gotten on Friday. My uncle aunt, and three cousins, all under the age of 6, died in a house fire.

Never thought this would happen to me. Thought I would die in a Motorcycle crash or doing something fun. Then I had the indignity of needing help to get up.

If you are still young and sassy, be thankful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUODdPpnxcA

Gwen

For anybody who hadnt heard yesterday: I was in a car accident while riding with my mom, but I'm okay. Cut and bruised my leg when I hit the glove compartment, and went into PTSD shock, but got checked out and am otherwise all right. Mom's car was pretty badly damaged - trunk is a mangled mess and the impact blew out her back window, but outside of being upset mom was not hurt.

So when I first started thinking about this blog this morning, there were many many many places I thought of going with it.

I wanted to touch on how the fact that I know I'm a girl, doesn't change me. How I will still curse, and use rude and innapropriate jokes at times (Sorry to everyone that hoped I would class up just because I started estrogen). I wanted to point out that I still plan to do paintball, play computer games, and sometimes just lie around and be a slob.

Hi from Yorkshire

Well it's official. Today I received the offical paperwork that I am divorced.

L

Now before I forget, (given I'm a daft blonde bint)

I am in a bit of a pickle. See I have now about a half dozen stories started, but all of them are stalled, and I'm starting to get anxious. See one of my little OCD like habits has come out because with one exception, I have produced at least one new story or poem every single month since the first story I published. And that means I have until the end of December t come up with something. Which isnt very long, especially since I'd also like to produce some longer works instead of just flash fiction.