A reminder: I wrote these columns 20 or more years ago.

Oh dear, it's finally catching up with me. Age, that is. Don't hand me any of that crap about life begins at 40, I believed it when I was 40. I just turned 46 and I'm straining to believe it now.

[At a School, somewhere two weeks before Christmas]

“Miss Featherstone, the Headmistress would like to see you in her Office?” said the Head’s secretary after she’d popped her head around my classroom door.

Sadly, my class of fifteen year olds were more interested in which ‘C List’ celebrity had either had a boob job or was … well, having it off with some other reality TV performer than 'Britain during the Industrial Revolution'. I refuse to call them stars. Most of them had as much talent as I had in my little finger.

Christmas.

I suppose it must be Christmas - my Facebook feed was filled with trees, Santas and such trappings, masses of frosted cookies, reindeer with red noses and Donald Trump in various compromising yuletide positions. As if we didn't get enough pictures of him all the rest of the year… (Could he really do that with eight not-so-tiny reindeer?)

I am developing an acute case of envy for those of you who live in the sunny clime of California. Here in the Northeast the trees are turning colors and the frost is on the pumpkin. If it would only stay on the cussed pumpkin I wouldn't object, but it is also invading my apartment, and wardrobe drawer.

[This is an oldie from late September 2010]

“Stay where you are love. I’ll call for an ambulance,” said the tall man

“Fuck off and leave me alone” replied the woman who was obviously injured.

“Nonsense. I can see that you need medical attention. That blow to the head needs some stitches.”

“What are you a fucking doctor or something? Get the hell out of here.”

He laughed.

“No. I’m a special constable. Just on my way to work.”

“Oh no. That’s all I need, a part time pig. I’m ok. I’ll be off in a minute.”

After my body slamming experience, I was transported to a hospital. It was obvious that the police officers didn’t notice the bruises and scarring on my arms and neck moments after I walked onto the farm due to their reaction when they went to cuff me. They raised my hands to cuff them, my sleeves fell down a bit and the rest was history. Instead of a trip directly to the local jail in a cop car, I got to make a pit-stop at the hospital in an ambulance. The bad part about this was that it gave Frank a seemingly endless supply of ideas about who I could be. And it wasn’t good.

Sometimes I wonder if the entire world is crazy or if it's just me. For quite some time now I have been staying home unemployed while my wife goes off to work or school. Being unemployed is not the greatest thing in the world, but it has given me a great deal of time to be dressed, and therein lies the source of my bemusement. Tuesday to Thursday I get up after everyone has left, Ricky gets dressed and is alone until shortly before the school bus arrives in the afternoon. I am a solitary dresser, I'm not used to having anyone around when I wear a dress.

We're a creative bunch, those of us males who like to wear women's clothes. I've never seen a bunch of folks so intent on inventing new words to describe every little nuance of just why they do this or wear that. My sisters seem to have an endless capacity to transform every Greek or Roman root for two into some new combination of syllables that exactly describes their motivation for putting on a dress.

Dear Mr. Sears,

I know that it may seem strange for me to be writing you, after all you've been dead for many years, but my friends at the Psychic Network tell me that this may be the only way I'll attract the attention of the store you left behind.

A Christmas Short Story...

It was still a plain ordinary door. But, it was a door to people’s future that Scott would help by his commitment to work the way he had been taught, with integrity and selflessness. And that made it an advent door worth opening.

Copyright © 2017 by AuP reviner

"See you tonight!" Janet said with a smile as Ellie, Kacey and Monique paid for their purchases and waved goodbye to her.

"Bye!" Ellie replied with a giggle that warmed Janet's heart.

It had been almost four months since Ellie had moved in with Janet, and in that time, a lot had changed for both women- mostly for the better.

The famous words ‘I had a dream’ means many things to many people. My ‘I had a dream’ moments got me into trouble more than once when I was a teenager.

Lucy stands before the statue she had heard stories about since she was a toddler by her mother before her death. She was supported by her crudely made crutches under her left arm as she just stood there and looked at the statue. Lucy couldn’t believe she was finally here looking at the statue. Her old tatter blood stain dress flutters in the light breeze as she just stands there and look-up at the creature in front of her. Tears slide down her cheek as she raises her right hand to touch the statue.

A short story...

Copyright © 2017 by AuP reviner

Gabriel Banks couldn’t believe his luck. All he wanted to do was come to the bank and transfer some money from one account to another account. That’s all he wanted to do today. But, no! The cosmos was against him.

Charles Edward Fitzgerald, CEO of Jugs (America’s #4 casual dining restaurant) slammed his fist down on his desk. “What do you mean, you told them I would do their moronic show? I gave you very explicit instructions.”

His secretary Francesca shuddered. “I’m so sorry—sir,” she hastily added.

“Don’t apologize, just fix this!”