Dainéal’s Dream

Bi-se i mo shuil
(Be my light)

Bi-se i mo shuil
A Ri mhor na nduil
Lion thusa mo bheatha
Mo cheadfai’s mo stuaim
Bi thusa i m’aigne
Gach oiche’s gach la
Im chodladh no im dhuiseacht
Lion me le do gra

The office of Dr. Joseph McCabe, Dublin, Ireland

“I’ll apologize first for my Gaelige. I’m a bit rusty.” Dr. McCabe smiled as he peered over his glasses. He looked like every kind and gentle grandfather you may have ever known, which he certainly was.

“I thank ye, Doctor. Seamus Mac Cá¡ba, if I may? My doc at home said that if anyone could help us it would be you.” Eammon sat down once again in the chair next to Seaonaid and breathed out a sigh.

“Well, I can’t say I’ll be of any help until I am, aye? We’ll take this a bit at a time, and I think things will be alright, but I have to be honest with you.” Seonaid’s eyes widened at the words, since any caution might mean that she wouldn’t be able to get any help. She looked away quickly and then down. Her body continued to almost mock her heart, and having to continue to be ‘him’ on the outside remained painful.

“I’ve been able to help four women the past few years, and it hasn’t always turned out okay. Two of them are fairly well adjusted, though having no family support has made it difficult.” He paused a moment before taking off his glasses. Pulling out a handkerchief, he wiped his brow and continued.

“I haven’t heard from Maeve in nearly two years. I heard she moved to Sligo, and she was doing fairly well for a while until her mother died. The one I wonder about; a girl named Bridgette…she tried to kill herself last year. Sometimes from what I’ve been able to read and what my colleagues have written…sometimes the surgery just doesn’t do for the girl what she’d hoped for. Things might change, but people often don’t. She’s doing much better, but I still worry about her.”

“Are you saying my child here shouldn’t go ahead?” Eammon would admit later he hoped that Dr. McCabe would answer yes, but it was out of a sense of being confused and overwhelmed.

“No, not at all. I just want you to understand that it’s more than just fixing a body that doesn’t match. And it’s not really that old a procedure. New things are being discovered every day. Just be prepared that life is unpredictable under the best of circumstances." The girl lowered her head once again.

“Now, now…don’t be discouraged. I’d be telling you the same thing if you were going to have any surgery, child. You’ve got a lot goin’ for you in that your father here is by your side. You’re the first at least with me that has had any family support. Things change slowly; especially when it comes to face to face relationships. Your Da and your brothers are there for you, and that’s a might good thing.”

“I…I’m scared.” She lifted her head slightly and looked over at Eammon, as if to question Dr. McCabe’s assessment. Eammon shook his head and sighed.

“I won’t pretend that I understand all of this, and it rubs against everything I’ve been taught. But I’ve told you. Your Ma had a sense about this, and I trust her judgment even more than my own heart, so don’t be afraid….leastwise about me, okay?” He smiled.

“Will she have any medicine to be takin’, doc?” Eammon no sooner asked the question when he began to chuckle softly. Dr. McCabe tilted his head as if to ask why and Eammon smiled broadly.

“Well, I guess I’m getting’ used to it already.” He turned to Seonaid and nodded.

“I can't very well be callin' ye a he, aye?”

“Now I know things are going to be difficult for the next few years. You won’t find a single surgeon that will perform any procedure at her age. You might find one that will operate once she turns eighteen, but that’s not likely at all. Either way, what they’re going to want to see…what I see already? That she means business and that this isn’t some delusion or foolish notion.” Seonaid frowned and turned away.

“No…no…I’m not saying that, but there are some that may. It all depends. I have friends on the continent that can help you….there’s a dear man in Copenhagen that has just started; a fine plastic surgeon who learned a lot of his trade during the Korean conflict. He’s been studying under some of the finest surgeons in Stockholm, and he’s willing to work with some of my patients… not a wealthy man, but he has a patron who ‘helps out’ so that I can send some girls his way who don’t have the money.”

“Now just a second.” Eammon rose a bit from his chair at the mention of money.

“It’s not cheap, Mr. Murphy, if you don’t mind my English.” Eammon might have minded the English version of his name but for the fact that the man was such a kind hearted soul.

“And you’ll need a way to accommodate this child’s transition. They’re getting more and more careful about the procedure, and living as a girl might be one way of convincing them you mean business. Is there any one that she can live with for a couple of years? Someone who might accept her living as a girl?”

Seonaid began to cry; there was no one she knew of, and certainly she couldn’t live at home. It had been hard enough growing up with his brothers and his ‘mates,’ if you could call them that. What would it be like to try to live as a girl in an unaccepting town?

“Meanwhile, I’m prescribing something to arrest your development. You’re a boy physically in most ways. This will help you….the body will do what it will unless there’s something in place to tell it otherwise, so this will keep you from getting more boyish.”

Eammon cringed at the mention of the word; he still had misgivings about his child’s transformation in spite of his trust for Fianne’s judgment concerning Dainéal. Even thinking of her in terms of her male name made him feel guilty, but it was alright to hold onto dreams of his own? The young man that might grow up to be a doctor? Someone to make him proud?

“Da? I think we should just go home…I’m not sure of this at all.” The girl tried to sound convincing; she loved her father so much, and if that was what was needed to make him happy. Her words came haltingly, and she might have sounded doubtful to a stranger, but Eammon realized exactly what his new daughter was trying to do.

“No…there’ll be no martyrs in this family! Least wise for my sake. I’ve lived my life and God in his wisdom decided that I was somehow worthy of his blessin’, aye? Yer Ma, God rest her soul, knew what was what….who was who! An yer not gonna give up your dream on my account.” And Eammon did the bravest thing he had ever done in his life; braver than whenever he had faced any storm or calamity or loss. Braver than when he turned his back on his own dream of being the first doctor in his family years ago.

“You’re my daughter now, for better or for worse with regards to what you may face! An yer Ma believed in you. Like Liam says, who am I? I suppose this is it then? All in? I guess!” He looked at Dainéal for the last time in his brief life and smiled.

“I’m sorry for bein’ such a fool, child. I might not get it right all the time, an I mightn’ go ahead an forget your name once and a while. But as God an Mary as my witness, I promise to love you like a daughter, okay?” Eammon bit his tongue and shook his head. Tears began to pour freely down his cheeks as he pulled Seonaid in for the first hug of her new life from her old Da…one of doubt and confusion, but the first of many the two would exchange over the course of their lives together. Even Dr. McCabe found himself crying, and he wasn’t ashamed at all.

“It’s a good thing you’re doing, Eammon o’ Murchadha,” he said, making sure to say it in the Irish. Eammon peeked over Seonaid’s shoulder and smiled even as he continued to weep.

“A very good thing.”

Later that afternoon....

Eammon drove the old Anglia down a vaguely familiar road until they reached Celbridge. They drove over the River Liffey Bridge and into town. Seonaid recalled her Aintin Calt saying that she had worked at the mill that made hair clips; something that came in handy with three girl cousins. The memories came back a bit at a time as the streets seemed more and more like what she had remembered from when she was little.

“God bless all here,” Eammon said as his sister-in-law opened the door. Three brightly scrubbed faces peeked out of the window off the front porch as Seonaid saw her cousins; they had barely spoken at her mother’s funeral, and now she felt awkward and confused. The girls quickly closed the curtain and appeared at the door behind their mother.

“I’m glad fer yer comin’, Eammon.” She smiled an uncomfortable smile. They hadn’t gotten along all that well when Fianne was alive, and things didn’t promise to improve now that she was gone. But Cait surprised him as she uncharacteristically smiled.

“An dis must be my niece I have heard so much about. Well, come here and give yer Aintin Cait a hug!” She held her arms open wide and waved with her right hand.” Sionead stood stock still, speechless. In long pants and shirt, she didn’t feel much like a niece at all, and the thought of being a nephew made her feel very uncomfortable...

“Come on…I won’t bite….much!” She laughed and the humor broke the tension between the two. The girl ran quickly to her Aintin and threw her arms around her, sobbing.

“Oh, Jesus, don’t be goin’ cryin’ again. I’ve done more of dat In two weeks than in my entire lifetime, aye?” Even though he said it, he had to wipe the tears out of his own eyes. Standing next to Calleigh, he noticed just how much his son…his daughter looked like her mother.

“Ma? Can she come up and play???” Mairead, the youngest of the o’Floinn girls at nine, tugged on her mother’s apron.

“Why sure she can. She’s goin’ to be stayin’ here soon, so she might as well find her way at home!” Calleigh pushed Sionead into the waiting arms of her cousins.

“So just the papers to be sortin’ out, aye?” Her mood became immediately detached and almost cold as she folded her arms. Eammon nodded and remained standing off and away from her until she smiled again.

“I’m sorry, Eammon, but old habits, you know? Come and give us a hug, darlin’.” She held her arms opened wide and Eammon stepped closer, tentative and uncertain.

“I know things haven’t been that good between you an me, but I know it’s takin’ some big changes for you to be standin’ on my porch wit a daughter instead of a son. And I’m sure….Fianne is…” She began to choke up but finished.

“She’s lookin’ down on ye right now an I expect she’s right proud of you.” She pulled him close and kissed his cheek; the warmest gesture ever between the two.

Off to the side on the porch, two women sat on the railing. The younger of the two kicked her legs playfully; she was only four hundred and twelve years old after all, and fairly new at intervention.

“The girl needs help?” She turned to her companion and mentor, Calleigh the Wise, who nodded.

“In a way. The man will need some help in helping his daughter, and that’s’ where we come in.”

“Oh, we’re goin’ to help him help her?”

“Actually, we’re going to help a nice lady in Castlebar.”

“So we help others help others who help others?” Orla shook her head, confused.

“Aye. We influence and encourage and even give a little nudge now and then.”

“Oh,” Orla said meekly. “I think I understand….” She didn’t understand, but she would come to understand.

“Aye. This time next Monday, we are going to help a girl help her boss find a way to open her heart, so that the man can help his daughter, see?” Calleigh laughed but continued.

“The only way this will work out the way it needs to is if someone sees their way clear to look past rules and regulations and sees the need of the girl we just met, so to speak. And that’s where you come in.”

“Me? I don’t know how I could make a difference.” Orla said as she put her head down.

“You’re resourceful. You’ll think of something.”

Bi thusa mo threoru
I mbriathar is i mbeart
Fan thusa go deo liom is
Coinnigh me ceart
Glac curam mar athair
Is eist le mo ghui
Is tabhair domsa ait conai
Istigh i do chroi

Next: Istigh i do chroi (Live inside my heart)

Gather Ye Rosebuds While Ye May
1909 by John Willam Waterhouse

Bi-se i mo shuil
words and music by the performers
Iona
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_ZaUv2ZjPE&feature=related

Translation:

Be my eyes, O king of creation
Fill my life with understanding
And patience
Will You be my mind every night
And every day
Sleeping or awake
Fill me with Your love

Will You be my guidance
In my words and actions
Stay with me forever
And keep me on the right path
As my Father take care of me
And listen to my prayers
And give me a place
To live inside Your heart)