Blessed Hearts Series

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“I know how much pain you’re in. I want it so bad, too.I told you about Olympia and how it hurt? Felice Cattoni told everybody in the school I was a dyke. A fucking queer. And all I wanted to do is have someone love me. I saw what Mommy and Daddy had and I wanted that. And then Hannah tells me she's found someone else she can love. Someone she can love? So yeah, it fucking hurts and my sister is hurt and and…and….oh fuck…” She punched the wall of the elevator car just as the loud ping announced their arrival at the lobby.

“Look, I gotta get to the hotel…I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay.” Dale said as she walked swiftly to the front of the hospital, her face red with embarrassment as her tears fell to the sidewalk.

---

Previously

“After Martin told me he didn’t like girls? I mean here we’re a couple for two years…you don’t know how hard it was to keep that from my mom. And then out of the blue he says, 'No, Sandy...this isn’t working out…I wanted a relationship with a boy and fuck, that’s what I’m going to get.'"

"He makes me take everything off...everything…and then he screws me…literally wasn’t nice at all but the figurative fuck of it hurt worse. I mean we go together for two years and he's just figuring out now that I’m a girl? I mean, where's my happy ending?”

He put his head down and began to cry; not an unfamiliar scene in a bar, especially one directly across from a hospital.

“We’re a pair, we are. Hey…I have to apologize.” Sandy looked at her and she started to laugh.

“We never did switch… At their wedding....what happened? Oh yeah, your brother’s car wouldn’t start so I went out and got it going. That would have been the end to a perfectly fucked up day.”

“Yeah…there you are in your gown leaning over the radiator with a screwdriver in your hand and I’m hanging back thinking ‘shit, life isn’t fucking fair.’” He shook his head and put his hand to his face.

“Well, I know you would have looked great in the gown, and I always wanted to know what it would be like to stand up at the front of a church in a tux…Maybe we were switched at birth.”

“Yeah…maybe. Oh fuck…I’m sorry.” Sandy turned away and laid his head on the back of the booth seat.

“That’s okay. Hey…I know… you can be Rudi and I’ll be Herbie, okay? We’re a couple of misfits….” She smiled and he began to lighten up, grinning ever so small.

“We’re a couple of misfits,” he sang even while the tears streamed down his cheeks. She joined and sang the tenor to his alto,

“What’s the matter with misfits, that’s where we fit in”

---

At the bar across from the hospital

Dale and Sandy were laughing for once after nearly an hour of commiseration and tears.

"Ever...you know? Ever do it with the visiting team?" Dale giggled. She could usually hold her O'Doul's, but the euphoria of commonatlity had been intoxicating.

"With a girl?" Sandy shook his head. It was an odd question, but maybe not, considering their all too familiar feelings of rejection and sadness.

"Ummm...aaah....yehhhhs?" He said with a giggle of his own. While Dale's high was entirely un-aided, Sandy's was due to his failure to remember that Rum and Coke and Sandy aren't a good combination.

"Shut up!" Dale said in her best imitation of Stacy London, who would be appalled at Dale's choice of clothes, which approximated Sandra Bullock's pre-pageant wardrobe in 'Miss Congeniality."

"I was over at Sammy Piccone's house when he suddenly decided he didn't want to be my friend. I suppose coming out to him had something to do with that. I was thirteen and I completely misread him.' Dale patted him on his wrist in sympathy.

"Anyway, he's off down the block, telling all of his buddies about Faggy Pevour and I'm sitting on his front step."

He shook his head and used his sleeve to wipe his eyes; almost as if he were sitting in front of the Piccone house all over again.

"Sue...his sister, comes out and sits down next to me. 'What's wrong Philippe?' she says using my name.I look at her and she knows immediately without me saying." Sandy bit his lip and went to take another sip of his drink.Dale reached over and put her hand on his glass. She handed him her O'Douls.

"Er...well...she grabs me by the hand and leads me into the house. She pulls me into her bedroom and shuts the door.' Sandy shook his head, almost out of disbelief.

"The only time I can remember that I can't remember." Dale looked at him crosswise.

"I don't remember anything of how it felt down there," he said, almost embarrassed to have pointed to his crotch.

"But up here?" He said pointing to his head.

"And here?" he said patting his heart.

"Beautiful!"

“Wow!” Dale shook her head. Most, if not all of her relationships were fleeting; transitory. The impermanence of them made her feel insecure and fearful. And she had been pushed into a stereotype that didn’t suit her; even if it suited her partners.

“That’s fucking awesome.” Even her use of profanity was disappointing, as if she had to think and act a certain way. She had grown tired of being pushed and shoved and molded. Ever the ‘boy,’ she longed for a relationship that included someone loving her; cherishing her, valuing her.

“Danny Vanderbeek…..James Vanderbeek? His cousin…for real. Wham bam, thank you butchy. He told his friends he had bedded a lezzie. Like he’s shot an Elk or something.” Her eyes teared up as she laughed sarcastically, pointing to her crotch.

“There? Fucking painful! But here?” She said pointing to her head, as if to echo Sandy

“And here?” she said pointing to her heart.

“Fucking nothing. Oh shit,” She said, hating that it had become her ‘turn” to cry. They were interrupted by the unexpected presence of their waitress.

“Are you Sandy Pevour?” Sandy nodded yes.

“The hospital is on the phone. They said they need you.” Dale let out a soft cry. Turning to her, the waitress said,

“They told me to tell you it isn’t your sister. Do you know what that means?” Sandy nodded and said,

“Unfortunately, yes.” He grabbed a twenty out of his wallet and handed it to the girl and smiled.

“This ought to cover it, okay? Keep the change.” He pulled Dale to her feet and they were out the door seconds later.

---

At the hospital outside Dana's room

“Are you going to explain what happened or do I have to find someone else.” Johnny stood in the hallways just outside Dana’s room.

“I’m sorry Mr. Pevour, but I only just arrived a few minutes ago for my shift. Would you mind waiting while I go get the charge nurse?” The girl was backed up against the hallway wall.

“Excuse me, what seems to be the problem here?” Johnny turned to find himself face to face with Dr. Javid.

“I want to know just what you people did to my wife?” Johnny stood nearly toe to toe with her, leaving the young nurse to walk away slowly at Persis Javid’s nod.

“I’d be happy to explain, Mr. Pevour. Why don’t we step into the family room to continue this discussion.

“What’s the matter with you people? I just want some answers.” He pointed his finger at Alexis, nearly poking her in the chest.

“And I’ll be happy to answer your questions. I’m only concerned about your privacy at this point, Mr. Pevour.” She smiled, but she wanted to slap the stupid arrogant grin off his face. She walked toward the family room and Johnny took the hint and followed her in the room. She shut the door and sat down, wiping her face with her sleeve. He sat down across from her and started in all over again.

”What the fuck did you do to my wife? I’m gonna sue your asses, you can be sure of that!” He laughed and shook his head.

“I’m sorry for your loss, Mr. Pevour, but there was nothing we could do.” She frowned as she thought of the procedure and how she had been a reluctant but necessary part of it.

“Fuck…you fucking killed my baby! I’m going to sue your asses.” He spat at her. She kept looking at the door, as if she were waiting for reinforcements.

“Mr. Pevour. I am sorry for your loss, but your wife came to us with massive bleeding in her uterus. The ultrasound confirmed what the paramedic had determined; your wife suffered a miscarriage. The baby was gone before the ambulance arrived at your home.” She bit her tongue, remembering a day in her own past that mirrored the loss they now discussed.

“Well, what the fuck did you do to save the baby?” He nearly yelled at her; standing up and over her in a second. She looked up at him and spoke calmly.

“Mr. Pevor; perhaps I didn’t make myself clear; your wife had miscarried nearly an hour before she came here; if it weren’t for your brother happening onto the scene, you’d be a widower right now.” She shook her head, wondering why he was so angry after arriving five hours after Dana had arrived at the ER.

“Johnny…calm down.” Sandy said as he closed the door behind him. Johnny turned to find Sandy and Dale standing by the door.

“Mind your own fucking business, baby brother; let the adults handle this, okay?” Johnny snapped. It was more than Dale could take.

“Why you fucking moron…if it weren’t for your brother, Dana would have died…do you even fucking care?” She turned and put her hand to her face. She didn’t want to cry…she was stronger than that.

“Well if it isn’t my butch sister-in-law. What the fuck do you care? This is about my fucking kid, you bitch.” He was nearly yelling at this point. Sandy went to put his hand on Johnny’s arm but he pushed him away.

“Keep your hands off me. This isn’t any of your business.” He stared at Sandy until he heard a soft voice behind him. Persis had seen enough.

“Mr. Pevour, if you can’t control yourself, the gentleman from security outside the door here will escort you from the hospital. Do I make myself clear?” She said softly while standing back in a neutral stance.

“What…you can’t. “ He said angrily.

“I can and I will; your choice.” She almost purred.

“Okay, Okay…whatever.” He said as he sat down.

“Have you even seen her yet?” Dale was in tears. “Go see her and let this go, Johnny.” She walked out and down the hall. Sandy turned to his brother and spoke quickly before following her.

“Go see your wife. Mom has Carrie at home…she’s okay. Go see Dana.” Johnny went to say something but Sandy had already followed Dale down the hallway.

---

“I am so fucking angry. Did you see who is standing over at the nurse’s station? I’m sure that will go over really good later on.” Dale pointed to the nicely dressed woman standing by the desk.

“Oh shit.” Sandy shook his head as Johnny walked out of the family room and over to his mistress before he walked into Dana’s room.

---

“Hey babe.” It was almost like he was announcing his arrival, as if by some magical power he could turn back time and fix everything with his charm.

“Oohhh…hi honey….I…I lost the baby.” She turned her face and wept into the pillow. Even silence can be damning as Johnny didn’t correct his wife’s misperception. A moment later he grabbed her hand and spoke, saying what would likely be the most hurtful and insenstive thing he ever spoke.

“Well, it isn’t like we wanted to have another kid so soon. This is for the best.” She kept her face hidden as she sobbed into the pillow. Johnny might spread his seed all over the Midwest, but Dana would never again know the bliss and reward of bearing a child. He might be a father several times over, but she would never carry a child in her; hopelessness was overwhelming by contrast as his plenty ignored her lack.

“Jooohhhhnny…I’m soooo sorrrreeeeee.” She wept as her shoulders shook.

“Hell, it’s no big deal.” He couldn’t have hurt her more if he had slapped her in the face.

“Hey...I gotta get home. I’ll be back first thing in the morning, okay?” He kissed her on the cheek before leaving the room without any more comment. She wept enough that her tremors set off the nurse page under her elbow.

“Yes? Can I help you? Mrs. Pevour…” The nurse at the station said into the monitor before getting up to walk down the hall.

---

The next morning in Dana's room

“How’s my patient today?” Persis Javid said as she leafed through the chart at the food of Dana’s bed.

“Still hurts.” Dana looked down at her stomach and it was apparent to both doctor and nurse that the patient’s pain was more of the mind and heart than of the body.

“I’ll see about getting the Gray Lady to come around with some books, Okay,” The petitie Filapina nurse smiled before leaving the room. Dana turned and looked out the window absentmindedly.

“It hurts, Dana, I know. We’re going to get through this. I know hurts and it seems like it will never get any better, but it does.” Persis said softly as she wrote in the chart. Dana turned quickly and faced her doctor; her eyes flashing with anger as she snapped,

“And what would you know? You took the only chance I will ever have to give my daughter a sister or brother. How would you know how much it hurt…how would you know that?” She bit her lip and turned again toward the window.

“She would have been six.” Alexis said softly. Dana turned and faced her doctor once again.

“I was in my first year of residency.” She shook her head and looked out the window.

“Derek decided that he couldn’t handle residency and fatherhood, so he left me. Three weeks later I wake up in a warm wet bed and it feels like God has left me…feels like he's abandoned me just like Derek. It actually felt like I was missing more than….mmmy baby,” She only stammered at the end as she remmbered.

“Endometrial Hyperplasia…” She didn’t want to be clinical and she continued.

“My sisters and I all suffer from endometriosis, and we never knew how bad it was because we figured...hell I guess this is what menses is about?” She shook her head.

“Neecie…my sister Bernice…she’s a fertile Myrtle…six kids. And Lois too…four.” Chloe was seven months along when she died….the only child I’ll ever have, you know?"

Persis had never shared any of that before, not with colleagues, not with her supervisor, and certainly not with a patient. but she crossed the line with good cause, she would remember later, because right then and there, Dana needed to know that she wasn’t alone. She needed to know that a real live person understood and cared. Maybe Alexis cared too much; her supervisor had told her as much only days before. But that was who she was.

“I’m sorry…I didn’t know.” A typical unnecessary response; of course she wouldn’t have known, and at that moment it wasn’t about Persis anyway.

“That’s okay…Hey, someone is here to see you…just a sec,” she said as she left the room. A moment later Collette came in with Carrie. She placed the sleeping child on the bed beside Dana. And then she spoke.

“Dana…can we talk?” Collette said. She had tears in her eyes; Dana had never seen her mother-in-law crying.

“I am so sorry for the way I treated you.” An apology from Collette Pevour was a rare thing indeed. It seemed that she must have been apologinzing for some trivial offense; she never gave attention to truly meaningfuly and important things.

“I mean it. I am so sorry.” Dana was surprised to see tears streaming down Collette’s cheeks.

“I have been so wrong about you and I am so sorry.” She said once again. I wanted so bad to raise my boys so they wouldn’t turn out like their dad, and I made it too easy for Johnny. It appears that I did just the opposite; he’s exactly like his Dad.” She sobbed.

“Oh, Collette, don’t…It’s not your fault.” Dana said weakly. Carried stirred for a moment before settling back in a restful sleep.

“It’s entirely my fault. I have been making excuses for my son since he was little. And look what I’ve done. He cares only about himself. Look at that beautiful girl next to you…She should be the most imortant thing in his life. I kept telling myself he’d get better, but I kept telling him things that said it was okay to be selfish and insensitive; just like I did with his Dad. I’m so sorry that I spoiled my boy. Will you forgive an old fool?”

Dana reached over and clutched Collette’ hand’ She pulled her close and kissed her softly on the cheek.

“Of course.”

---

The elevator at the hospital

“I’m sorry.” Sandy said as they rode the elevator down to the lobby. It had been a very long day and night and once again it was as the end of the afternoon, and Dale was exhausted.

“Whatever for? It’s your brother who should be apologizing. What a pig." Dale struggled as she left out the expletive.

“Your sister lies in a hospital bed; she lost her baby; she lost her possibilities, and nearly lost her life, and here I am complaining about my fucking gender issues.” He shook his head as his face reddened in shame.

“What…you have to be miserable in order for everybody else to be happy? You can’t have a life of your own? Fuck that.” She shook her head as her own face reddened in embarrassment.

“Come on, Sandy, you’ve known since you were five that you were a girl. Just because everything played out the way it did doesn’t change anything, and besides, it’s not like you brought it up. I did ask the question.” She looked away toward the wall of the elevator car.

“I know how much pain you’re in. I want it so bad, too….I told you about Olympia and how it hurt? Felice Cattoni told everybody in the school I was a dyke. A fucking queer. And all I wanted to do is have someone love me. I saw what Mommy and Daddy had and I wanted that. And then Hannah tells me she's found someone she can love. Someone she can love?" By now the tears were streaming down her cheeks.

"So yeah, it fucking hurts and my sister is hurt and and…and….oh fuck…” She punched the wall of the elevator car just as the loud ping annouced their arrival at the lobby.

“Look, I gotta get to the hotel…I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay.” Dale said as she walked swiftly to the front of the hospital.

“Geez, Dale, it’s okay…Wait up, I’ll walk you over there.” Sandy said trying to catch up.

“Thanks, but that’s alright. It’s just a few blocks…the mean streets of Sandusky are well lit, and I’ve got a can of Campbell’s Tomato soup in my purse. I’ll be okay. I just need to be alone, alright?” She didn’t wait for his answer as she hurried out of the hospital and down the street.

As he rode back up to Dana’s floor to collect his mom and Carrie. He looked at the mirrored finish on the stainless steel of the elevator wall and noticed a very handsome young man stare back at him. A nice image but for the fact that he longed for the day when an attractive woman would stare back in approval; he shook his head once before he put his forehead on the elevator wall and wept...

Next: Discovery

Illustration adapted from
"Maud Cook" 1895, a painting by
Thomas Eakins 1844 - 1916

Angel
Words and music by
Sarah Mclachlan
as performed by
Katherine Jenkins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dC7TcH-3MVs

We're a Couple of Misfits
words ahd music by
Burl Ives
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwlOUAAyPQE