Near the Threshold

Ever had an “ah ha!” moment? Where everything you think about changes? I had one. It started in an very odd place - my local swimming pool. I had just finished my swim, and I headed for the change areas when I made a simple mistake. I turned left instead of right, and walked into the woman’s change area. In my defense, I can’t see well without my glasses, and I was tired from my swim, so I missed the sign, and just went in.

As soon as I rounded the corner, I realized my mistake. Even as poor as my eyesight is, I could tell I was looking at girls, not guys.

I froze. My brain was racing in several directions at once, and apparently it had nothing left to use to actually move my body. I stood there like a statue for I don’t know how long. Ice ages came and went. Stars were born, grew old and died.

And still I couldn’t move.

The primary feeling I had was shock, of course, but even still, I was later surprised at the fact I felt no arousal from these women.

Finally, a woman looked up and must have noticed me, and the spell was broken. I fled to the safety of the men’s change room and tried to re-start my heart again.

Afterward, I sat in my room and tried to understand what had happened, and that’s when I had my “ah-ha!” moment. I realized that my mistake may have been the physical equivalent to a Freudian slip - that my unconscious mind had steered my body toward the woman’s side for a reason.

Unfortunately it would take me many, many years before I realized the message I may have been trying to send myself - that I was more female than male, in my heart.

The other really odd thing was the woman’s reaction. She didn’t scream, or act negatively in any way. In fact, I could have sworn she was as comfortable having me there as she would have been for a natural born female. And it was this revelation that caused me to run, because I was simply not prepared for having her know me better than I knew myself, at that moment.

Many long years later, and I am finally beginning a transition to womanhood, and this memory has come back to the front of my mind, and I see it so much more clearly in hindsight. And if I am blessed to make it all the way, one day I will be able to walk into the woman’s change room and have the welcome I feared back then - be seen as just another woman, going about her day.

Its something to look forward to.