Author's note: This piece is the most disturbing thing I have ever written. It might be the most disturbing piece on this site that doesn't have any hard language or violence. Please take care reading.

Breakdown

There was only darkness.

Then with a burst of light and sound, I am.

****

I know a word.

Breakdown.

I can’t remember where I heard the word, but I think it is not a good word. I wish I could remember why.

****

I remember where I heard my word. There were two voices, talking nearby. One was a soft, high voice, and it said something I could not understand. Then the other voice, which was deeper and louder, responded by saying my word.

The soft-voiced one did not like the word. I heard it crying. I don’t want it to cry, because the voice reminded me of something happy.

*****

I am learning more words. Or maybe I am remembering them.

I know, for example, that I am in a “room”

It has “walls” and a “floor” and a “ceiling” and a “door”

I want to remember my new words. I wonder how I can?

******

I now have a way to remember my words.

There is a a “desk” and a “chair” and “paper” and a “pen”

I write down my words, so I can remember them.

*****

Do I have a name?

It seems like I must, but I don’t remember it.

I should know my name.

*****

I remembered something odd.

I think I had not one name but two.

One other people called me, and one that I called myself.

That seems strange.

I wonder how that could happen?

*****

I learned some new words.

“Man” and “Woman”

I like these words, so I add them to my list.

I think they are opposites.

I am glad I remember.

*****

The soft-voiced one came to see me today.

She is a woman, I remember that.

She seems very sad, but she tries to say nice things to me.

I like listening to her voice, but I wish she wasn’t sad.

I also wish she knew the name I called myself.

She knows the other one, but it makes me feel funny.

I like the name I called myself better.

I wish I knew what it was, so I could add it to my list.

****

There is a mystery about my names.

Something was bad about the name I like

Something connected to “Men” and “Women”

It made the soft-voiced one sad

I do not understand.

I don’t want to make her sad, I just like the name I called myself.

Maybe I was bad for liking it.

******

I think I must have been bad.

That is why I am here.

But they are kind here, so maybe I wasn’t bad.

It is very confusing.

*****

I feel something different today.

I feel very close to remembering things.

Maybe I will even remember what happened to me

What my name I liked was.

*****

Oh God, oh God. I remember. The name they called me was a man’s name, and the name I liked was a woman’s.

They wanted me to be a man, and I needed to be a woman.

It hurts so bad.

Please, I don’t want it to hurt.

I can’t be a man.

They wont let me be a woman.

I can’t.

They wont let me.

I can’t.

It hurts

It is like dying.

Please

Please someone help me…

I… I …..

******

I need to forget again.

It hurts too much to remember.

I will tear up my paper.

*****

There was only darkness.

Then with a burst of light and sound, I am.