For Misty, for making me cry

The Tears of the Phoenix (A Ret-Con Interlude)

On the satellite known by some as the Moon, there is a cliff. Around it, there is only silence, and cold. This cliff has sat undisturbed for thousands and thousands of years - until today. The first thing an observer would have seen was a new light in the sky, bright and shining and growing brighter as it drew near.

Soon it was close enough, that the observer would have seen it as a flame, a large burning source of light and heat, and shaped like a great bird. It slowed, and settled on the cliff side, and began to dim. Soon, all that was left was a young woman in red and yellow, with bright red hair, and tears on her face.

She hugged herself as though she felt the cold, even though the flame had drawn within to keep her warm and safe in this unfriendly environment. For some time, she just sat there, looking up at the unblinking stars in silence.

To the world at large, her name was Phoenix, but to her friends she was known as Jean Grey, and that split in personality was one reason she was on that desolate spot in tears.

Then, another figure approached, and the woman in red and yellow knew who it was long before the heroine known as Jade placed a slim green hand gently on her shoulder. They both sat on the cliff together, Jade keeping light contact as they looked out into the heavens.

After a while, they began to speak to each other, if “speak” is the right word for a conversation held through the magic of Jade’s ring, rather than voices. Voices would not have carried in that nearly airless void in any case.

“I … I think I need to be out there” Jean said, pointing at the stars.

“Talk to me about it. Why?”

“Because I am not doing any good here. And I don’t think you need me anyway.”

“Yes, Jean, we do need you with us. Not just because of the Phoenix, but because of you.

You face a bigger challenge than most of us. Not only because you changed your gender, changed your age, because you are not alone in that. But because you are essentially two beings in one. And one of those is so different than anything we know of, she could not and cannot help you make the adjustments you have had to make.

And yet you have made those adjustments, and not only survived, but thrived. You have become a lovely young woman, and a brave heroine, and I am proud of you!”

“But I haven’t made the adjustments Jade! The first couple of days as a girl were wonderful, but since then, I have started to feel like I am not getting any further ahead. Like my first period, it was awful! And like you pointed out, the Phoenix is no help. She knew nothing about the female cycle.

I forgot everything you guys told me. I panicked, and phoned the doctor Dream had recommended, and he muttered about ‘not an emergency’ and ‘kinda old not to know about the birds and the bees’ but he must have heard the total panic in my voice, and put his nurse on so she could tell me how to use a tampon. And….and….”

She paused, and hesitated. What she was dealing with was so private, and so odd, how could she talk to anyone about it? She lowered her head in shame. But then, Jade cupped her hands under her chin, and raised her face, so they were looking at each other eye to eye.

“Jean? Please finish. Whatever you are going through, you can’t keep it inside. It will kill you if you do. And you know I won’t tell anyone else unless you tell me it’s okay.“

She looked at Jade. This woman, who like her had not always been one, was the most loved and trusted person on the planet, and with good reason. She was also a good friend. If she couldn’t trust Jade, who could she trust?

“I know. It’s just hard. I… I have started to notice boys, and I mean notice!
I was looking at one of those trashy romances, and I started picturing myself as the woman on the cover, and being kissed by the man.

Then, a couple of months ago I… I had something like a wet dream. I was naked, and this …. Figure came toward me, and at first, it was like a dance, and then it started touching me… it felt so good.

And then, I saw it was male. Very, very male. And the male organ entered me and my brain went sideways and I woke up with a wet spot on the bed, and on my fingers. I was… using my hands, without knowing it, and I think you can guess what I was doing, and I am beyond scared.

I loved my girlfriend, and I wasn’t a virgin as a man, Jade. Even when I dealt with a … curiosity about being feminine, being with a man was never part of it. I feel like I am losing the last connection to my male self. If I start liking boys, men, is there anything left of John?

I…I don’t want to change like that Jade. I don’t want to be just a girl with a few memories of a previous life. It would be like dying without being actually dead, if that makes sense. John is mostly a ghost now, but I lose that last part, and nothing is left but the Phoenix.”

“What about being Jean?”

“Jean is like a baby with a teen’s body, Jade. She hasn’t been in existence long enough to have a personality of her own, just what was borrowed from John. She doesn’t know much more than the Phoenix about being a teenage girl, and even my memories of being John just don’t cover this stuff.

I know that compared to the loss we have suffered, and the fact that the people responsible are still out there, that doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it has paralyzed me.”

“I am sorry, Jean. I wish you would have come to me or someone else sooner. Most of us are facing something like that, and if you let us, we can be there for you, and you can be there for us.

And the simple fact is, you wont stop having those feelings out there, and there would be nobody who knows what you mean, nobody who would care like we do. Which do you think would be easier, here, with friends who love you and won’t judge you, people who know what you are feeling? Or out there, all alone?”

“But that’s not the only reason, Jade. Do you know the Phoenix has never known grief, until now?”

Jade knew she did not fully understand the union between the girl and the creature called the Phoenix, but at that moment, understanding was less important than her support, and so she said, “Tell me about her, Jean”

“The Phoenix is … so old. When one of the first stars ever was born, so was she, not only the only one of her kind, but the only one there ever would be.
And from the beginning, if you were to try and describe her mood in human terms, the only word that would fit would be….joy.

Pure, tremendous, utter and complete joy. She would soar on solar winds, bask in the warm rays of a sun, and then she would dive toward it, go right inside to the center, the very heart, and she would dance, and sing a song to Creation.”

Jean turned toward Jade, and looked her in the face, seeing her own tears reflected back to her. “I wish I could describe that song to you Jade. It is something wonderful, and yet no one has ever heard it because no one could stand to be so close to the center of a sun. I can only hear the echo from her memories, and its… I can’t do it justice.

But now, thanks to joining with me, she knows grief. I… I didn’t know Dolores well, but because of my telepathy, I could read a little of how you all felt about her, especially Meagan, and I know what she meant to you all.

It hurts, Jade, and for the Phoenix it’s the first pain she has experienced in millions of years of existence, and somehow, that makes the pain worse for me too.

Then, there is the other side of the coin. She is… passion and fire, as well as joy and light.
Not long ago, she was headed toward a solar system, and the inhabitants there became frightened, and sent a fleet of spaceships to fight her. She destroyed them all in one moment of anger, Jade.

Not long after that she came into our solar system. I wonder if that’s why she chose to save me. But that passion, that anger is still here, within me. And especially for the monsters who did that to Dolores.

How can a person do what they did to her, Jade? How do you wake up one day and put on your list of things to do to turn an innocent woman into a parody of humanity? It was worse than rape, worse than anything I can think of. To be a slave would be bad enough, but to not even be able to dream of freedom?

I hate them! I feel the rage building within me, looking for a way out. I am actually afraid of how angry I am. I want to explode, and with the Phoenix, I could! I could lay waste to them all, them, their friends, their family, and it wouldn’t be enough, the anger burns so much!

But there is also one other emotion I am feeling that is new to the Phoenix. Guilt. I could have saved her! All I would had to do is a psi scan of the city and I could have found her! And do you know why I didn’t do it? I was scared!

I was scared, because I would had to feel everything from every person in the city. Do you have any idea how much PAIN there is in a city that size? How many people are being killed, how many raped, how many abused? And I couldn’t face it. So I didn’t come forward. I didn’t even try!

And even after she was found, I still could have done more. I still know people, people who are amazing with computers and programs. I could have asked one of them to try a “hack” on the program of the chip, so at least she could have freedom of action from that point on. But again, I was scared! I thought if they tried, and failed, and maybe killed her, that everyone would blame me. So I sat on the sidelines, and now she is gone!

So I am sitting here Jade. I am sitting here because if I couldn’t save her, what good am I? I have all this power, and yet I am useless! And I just don’t know where I go from here.
And that’s why it would be better if I just left Earth and go somewhere else.”

“Jean, please. Listen to me. You don’t think I don’t feel the same? I hurt, and its worse than anything I have ever felt before. She was … just good, and she is gone, and that leaves a hole that does not close. I want to crawl into a corner and cry forever!

And hate? I saw what was left of her when she was found, Jean! And I have power too. With my ring, I could whip up some imaginative forms of torture, and it takes every ounce of control I possess to not to want to just give in to that hate, to find each and every person who had anything to do with this and show them just what I am capable of.

And you want to talk guilt? I was keeping a distance, leaving it to Megan, because I was trying to keep a clean image with the government, and because the Rules were so dam important to me. Oh, yes, I encouraged her. I told her she could do it if anybody could. And give her credit, she almost did it in time.

But, in my heart, I know I could have done more. I should have said, screw the Rules. Screw the government, screw anybody who stood in my way, and just gone hunting until I found her!

So I know how you feel, because I feel the same way. But I can’t just give up. I can’t sit here, or go out into space, or hide in a cave somewhere. I am needed, and so are you. We need you, Jean.

When it comes to your abilities, I know we have not called on your talents as much as maybe you would have liked, but I know that when we do, we will be able to count on you.

And I think we are going to need every person we can get on our side very soon. It is getting dangerous out there for people like us. Delores may only be only the first friend or comrade we lose.

But it is ultimately your life, and your choice. You need to grieve, to get angry, to feel guilty? Join the club. We are all going through the same, and personally, I think it’s better to have others with you when you feel like this.

But what you do is up to you. If you decide to give up, go away, then you are not the person I think you are. And it would not be just me and the others here you would be letting down.

Think about this. did the Phoenix join with you, so you could live out in space or wherever? No! The Phoenix joined with you, to experience all that being a human means, and pain is part of that.

To be human is to experience pain! What we are going through is very much a part of our story, and we show best who we are when we go through grief like this. Do you have any kind of faith, Jean?”

“As John, I didn’t. The Phoenix doesn’t have what we would call a religion, but in her song, there are notes of … gratitude for being alive, for being free and for experiencing joy. She thinks there is something out there, bigger than even her, a force that makes things make sense. And so she is thankful.”

“That is where I am too. I have seen things and heard of things that make me believe there must be some kind of order in the universe. It may not be some old guy sitting on a cloud, but something is out there.

But even if there isn’t I would say we are the ones who have to make our own lives count for something. And I know what I want mine to count for, and it includes helping my friends. How about you?”

“I … I want that too.”

“Then come back with me. Today we morn, we grieve, and that’s not a bad thing, because Dolores is worth all the tears we shed. But we can be there for each other through it. And together, we can remember there is joy as well as pain. Jean, if you went into the sun now, could the Phoenix sing? For me? Yellow isn’t my colour, but I can whip up something so I could hear her song.”

“I … I think she would like that. To have an audience would be a new experience for her.”

“then let’s go. I want to be the first being to hear the song of the Phoenix.”

The two girls stood up, and hand in hand flew across the surface of the moon. A short while later, they were headed for the bright yellow star that allowed their home to give them birth.

And in the heart of the sun, the Phoenix sang, and it’s song had changed from the echo Jean had heard in her head. For the first time in millions of years, the song had notes of grief, of loss, of anger and guilt.

But even with those included, it was mostly a song of joy, a song of life and passion and gratitude. What’s more, because it had an audience, the song also for the first time acknowledged the wonder and worth of all other life, of the value of friendship and love, and especially for this woman who did so much for so many, and it celebrated and was grateful for that as well.

And those notes seemed richer for the inclusion of the others, the sadness and pain only adding a layer of beauty to the song that had never been there before.

Jade was awestruck by the song, and her tears were both of grief and of joy as she listened. She recorded that song on her ring as it was sung. For the first time, the song of the Phoenix would be heard by others, and she believed that it would, in its own way, help her friends heal, especially the read-headed girl who was at the center of the flame.

When the song was done, the two girls left the sun, and headed back to the blue-green planet that they called home. They were not done with grief, not by a long shot, but Jade could see a day when they would feel better. It would not mean they had forgotten their friend, but that they would be able to honour her by serving and protecting that world, just like she did in her way.

And on that day, the tears of the Phoenix would be only tears of joy.