Sometime in the future:

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Previously:
“I love you Carl…I always will. Always. And I love you too, Carla…I don’t know who you are, but you’re part of my best friend…so I guess I…oh I don’t know.”

It was all too much for Margo to understand, but she didn’t travel nearly thirteen hundred miles just to get stuck on principle.

“No matter what, I love all of you.” She choked back a sob.

“NO!” The voice came from the doorway.

“I hate you…I hate you!” Keith yelled as he rushed to the bed. Margo went to grab him, but he pushed past her and fell against Carla’s prostrate form. He put his head on Carla’s chest and sobbed, over and over.

“I hate you. I hate you, Daddy…I hate you.” Carla raised her hand feebly and stroked Keith’s hair.

“I hate you….Daddy….noooo.nnnnooo I’m sorry Daddy….don’t go ….I love you…please…please.” Keith wept in Carla’s arms and Margo put her hand on his shoulder.

“I love you Keith….I love you all.” Carla continued to stroke Keith’s hair and pat Kyra on the back. Her hand brushed against Margo’s. She felt Margo grip her hand and her voice saying simply,

“It’s okay…we love you…we love you.”

A few moments later, Margo felt Carla’s hand go limp. Keith looked up and saw Carla’s face. She was smiling, but there was no light in her eyes. Keith looked up at his mother who took her right hand and covered her mouth. She went to cry, but no sound came out. She tried to reach out to Keith, but he had stood up. He took his sister in his arms and cried as hard as he ever had. She was nine and she almost understood what was happening.

“Four seventeen,” the voice said from the other side of the bed. Janet stood next to Carla’s body and tears streamed down her cheeks. She looked up and saw Candace standing in the doorway, weeping.

“Excuse me...I’ll leave you for a moment,” Janet said as she walked to the doorway. Gathering Candace in her arms, she kissed the girl on the forehead, pulling her in more. Candace buried her face in Janet’s sweater and sobbed.

“It’s okay, honey, Momma’s here.” Janet said softly as she stroked Candace’s hair…”It’s okay.”
 

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"You leavin' today?" Candace sat on the floor in the hallway and looked at the boy.

"Yeah...Mom and that lady...Irene? They were talkin' about the funeral and everything."

"I'm really sorry about yesterday...You didn't need me yellin' at you and all." She looked down at her shoes. For some reason, Candace felt the need to wear jeans and a tee shirt. Her sneakers were non-descript.

"Keith? I'm sorry, but this is really hard for me...I'm tryin' but I can't think of your dad without sayin' Carla...I think of her..not him...I'll try to remember that..but it's hard to say the other words..his name, you know. I've know her...him for six months...She even started teachin' me guitar."

Candace put her head down and started to cry. Instead of sympathy, Candace was met with anger.

"See...that's what makes me so fucking angry. You got to spend time with my fucking dad..not me...not my mom...not my sister. It's so fucking unfair." He punched the wall, once again knocking a picture down.

"Before yesterday...fuck...I haven't seen my dad in over two years...do you know what that feels like?" Keith tried hard not to cry. He was almost fourteen, and he wasn’t going to show any weakness in front of the girl.

“No…I don’t. I wish I did. I wish I had a father that actually cared for me. I wish my step-father…” Her voice trailed off. Keith looked at her, and he began to understand even as he hated his father he loved his father…the person he never understood…the person who left him…

“I wish your dad never died…I miss…oh fuck…I’m so sorry.” Candace got up and ran down the hall, nearly running into Drea as she stepped into the hall from Sandra’s office.

“Candace,” Drea called out but the girl had already left the building. “Damn,” Drea said to herself as she saw Keith sitting on the hallway floor. With Candace gone, Keith’s defenses departed as well and he wept openly once again. Drea walked down the hallway and sat down on the floor next to the boy.

“Keith…your mom and sis are taking a nap…You’re going home tomorrow instead.” She said softly, putting her hand on the boy’s shoulder. He pulled away sharply, banging his elbow into the wall. The picture on the wall came crashing down onto the hallway floor.

“Keith…it’s okay to cry…it really is. Your mom and I just had a good cry together.” Drea put her hand on the boy’s shoulder once again. This time he offered no resistance, but said angrily,

“What do you know…you’re probably just like my Dad. Did you leave your family, huh? I bet you left your family and hurt them too!” The boy was almost hysterical, but Drea persisted, stroking the boy’s hair. He began to calm down as his defenses departed completely. Collapsing into her arms, he wept hard enough to shake them both.

“Why did he leave me? What did I do…What’s wrong with me. Why didn’t he love me?” He said over and over, like a mantra. His body convulsed, releasing a year’s worth of anger and frustration.

“You didn’t do anything, Keith.” Drea said. She felt the boy’s shaking subside. Pulling a tissue out of her sweater pocket, she handed it to Keith. Holding him at arm’s length, she looked at him and said once again,

“Keith…you didn’t do anything. Your mom didn’t do anything. Your sister didn’t do anything. Your dad told me just yesterday morning how much he loved you.” Drea respected Carla’s decision, but she also knew that the woman she came to know in her brief time at the hospice would understand the use of male pronouns and her old title for her son’s sake.

“Janet was going through your Dad’s things and came across an envelope with some letters in it. This one is addressed to you. I know you’ll want to read this. I can leave you alone or stay, whatever you want.” Drea said softly to the boy.

“I…guess…you can stay…don’t go,” Keith said. He felt strange, talking to the woman next to him, knowing that she was probably just like his Dad…at least he thought. As angry and sad and scared as he was, something inside him felt safe with Drea at his side.

“Here’s the letter…no one has opened it…that’s for you to do, okay. I’ll just sit here and you can talk or not…okay?” Drea said softly.

“Yeah, okay.” Keith found himself squeezing her hand as he sat up. He opened the letter carefully and tenderly, like it was a treasure. Unfolding the note, he noticed the paper was white. He had almost expected pink, not knowing what to think about his father. He read…

“Dear Keith,
I am so sorry I left. Do you remember when the neighbor’s dog bit Kyra? She wouldn’t go near any dog, and the sound of barking…even on the TV…would scare her. It took a while, but she was able to be around dogs. But you remember how scared she was. You used to say to her, ‘Hey..It’s okay!’ Remember…and she was okay. Well I was scared, and I didn’t have anyone to tell me not to be scared. I wish I had listened to you when you helped Kyra…I’m so ashamed for making you and your mom and your sister worry. I never meant to hurt you, and I am so sorry that I left…I know I said that, but you have to know it wasn’t because of anything you did. You are the best son anyone could ever have. I am so proud of how you have taken care of your mom and sis. Know that I love you and I’m so proud of the man you’re becoming. Give Kyra a kiss for me, okay? Dad”

Keith looked at Drea, as if to ask a question. Looking at the letter once again, he began to cry, not hysterically or loudly, but softly. He might have felt uncomfortable had he thought about it, but it felt entirely okay as he put his head on her shoulder and wept. She held him and rocked him, saying softly,

“It’s okay, Keith…go ahead…let it out.” Tears streamed down her own cheeks as she felt connected to the boy’s grief and sadness. “It’s okay.”
 

---

 

Connie walked into the office aglow. She and Paulette had just gotten back from their honeymoon. She ignored the pile of work on her desk; plenty of time for that on Monday when she returned. Beth looked up from her desk and half-frowned, but then jumped up and ran to her friend.

“How was the trip, honey?” Beth wrapped her arms around Connie and kissed her on the cheek in welcome.

“It was fabulous…I never had so much fun in my life, and it’s wonderful to have someone to love.” Connie beamed as her partner Paulette walked into the office carrying a large bag.

“We got some nice scarves and some other nice things,” Paulette said as she put the bag on the credenza behind Connie’s desk. She walked over and kissed Connie lightly on the lips before pulling Beth in for a hug.

“You two look just wonderful together…I’m so happy for you!” Beth said. She hoped that things would be just as lovely...maybe Simon might ask her? He and her brother had talked about her...status. He found her amusing and charming and simply lovely, but even though her past had not put him off, neither had he expressed any commitment other than a friendship...at least for now.

Irene and Kerry walked in at that moment. Both women walked quickly to the happy couple and greeted them with kisses and hugs.

“You got back just in time. I was wondering if I was going to have to spring for a wig, since Beth has been pulling her hair out since you left.” Irene laughed.

“Oh stop…everything is okay. I hope you don’t mind, but what documents I couldn’t find a file for I shredded, is that alright?” Beth chuckled.

“Very funny!” Connie smiled and walked over to her desk. A note sat on top of her day-planner. The envelope simply read, “See me, hon. Drea.”

“Is Drea around?” Connie asked, holding up the note.

“She was talking with the Shroeder family a moment ago. You might find her on the back deck.” Beth said. Connie nodded and smiled.

“Be right back, okay?” She said as she walked toward the doorway.

“I’ll just hang here and regale our friends with tales of our wedding night, okay?” Paulette said with a smile. Paulette’s remark was met with a chorus of “oohs” as Connie walked down the hall to the back exit.
 

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Drea sat on the railing of the deck, sipping a Diet Pepsi. She looked up and saw Connie come out on the deck.

“Hi, sweetie, welcome back. You look radiant!” Drea said as she hugged Connie. “You get my note?” She smiled.

Connie nodded and Drea looked over at the picnic table in the middle of the deck. Sitting on it was a large carton.

“Let me show you something honey.” Drea said as she walked over to the table as Connie followed.

Drea picked up a thin book off the table. Connie recognized it instantly and tears came to her eyes.

“Where did you get that…I’ve been looking all over for a copy since the coffeemaker broke and spilled all over mine.” She received the book as if it were a treasure.

“Let’s sit down honey. I’ve got something I want to talk with you about, okay?” Drea pointed to two chairs that stood against the railing of the deck. They walked over and sat down.

“I know it was so hard for you, honey, and I know you wanted to put a good face on for the wedding,” Drea said. She smiled warmly and continued.

“It must have been so hard to keep from crying before the ceremony. I know your mom would have been there if she could.” Drea found herself misting from just the thought of Connie’s pain.

“She was there in spirit…I guess,” Connie said half-heartedly. She looked past Drea onto the grounds behind the home, busy with new construction and landscaping.

“To have her die just before the wedding must have been so painful.” Drea didn’t want to stir up things, but what she ultimately had to share with Connie would be a blessing, if they could just get past this part. Connie began to sob softly.

“She….we had just gotten to know each other again.” Connie looked up as if to pray.

“I know it isn’t fair or unfair. But it hurt that she couldn’t be there. That’s why this is so…so precious.” She held the book up.

“I know, honey. She gave you that when she came the first time…after so many months without a word.” Drea found herself crying along with Connie.

“She never understood. Daddy didn’t just not understand, he hated me…absolutely hated me. I tried for so long to fit in. When he died and Mom blamed me…it hurt more than anything I’ve ever felt.” Connie shook her head, wondering how anyone, much less her own mother, could have said such a thing.

“But it didn’t end there,” Drea said, almost like a child completing a chapter of a favorite story. She smiled, knowing the response.

“She came that day you got me from the office. She was so sorry. She didn’t understand why I did what I did,” Connie said, recalling her GRS (genital reconstruction surgery).

“You know the funny thing? She never did understand. But that day she came she told me she wanted to understand; that I was her baby no matter what.” Connie held up the book again.

“And she gave me this,” Connie blinked away her tears and continued.

“I’ll Love You Forever,” Connie spoke the title. “By Robert Munsch…the most precious gift I’ll ever get.” She looked again at the book and began reciting by memory,

“I’ll love you forever; I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.”

Connie had barely finished the words when she collapsed into tears. She didn’t notice that Paulette had come out on the deck. Paulette walked over and knelt down and cradled Connie’s head in her hands, kissing her on the forehead. And to Connie’s surprise, Paulette sang in her own melody,
 

 
All three smiled and wept as they remembered Connie’s mother. Drea waited until the crying had at least ebbed a bit. She grabbed Connie’s hand and said softly,

“Sweetie, I’ve got something that you’ll want to see. Come with me, okay?” Drea stood up and walked to the table. She pulled open the carton and pointed to the contents. In the box were fifty copies of the book in paperback.

“Sandra has five more cartons in her office. We figured this was a good way to honor your mother’s memory.”

Drea picked up a small carton and opened it. The carton contained a card-sized insert reading,
 

 
“We plan on sending these out with our fundraiser next month. I hope you don’t mind?” Drea said as she put the insert back in the box.

“This is the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for me. I won’t forget this.” Connie said as Paulette squeezed Drea’s hand and mouthed, “Thank you!”
 

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The next morning Candace sat on the railing of the front porch, looking at the construction in the lot next door. The clinic had expanded to include the hospice and a respite house for family members, or at least would be once it was completed in a few months. The sound of the backhoe digging for the foundation prevented her from hearing the figure approach from behind.

“Hey…” Keith said, waving at Candace. She turned and half-frowned, but quickly said,

“So you leavin’ today?” Candace said, her frown changing quickly to a surprising smile.

“Yeah…the funeral is Saturday, and we’ve got a lot to get ready. That lady Irene gave my mom a check for a bunch of cash…Mom didn’t say anything but I figured by the way she was cryin’ it was a lot.” Keith smiled back, feeling odd but good.

“Yeah…she’s pretty awesome! I had to get new contacts and she took care of it.” Candace found herself smiling once again, and it felt odd but good.

“You from Baltimore? I heard the Ravens are thinkin’ of gettin’ a new half back.” Candace said. Keith looked at her and almost did a double take.

“You follow football?” He asked, shaking his head.

“Sure, why the fuck not…why not, sorry. Janet’s been tryin’ to help me stop that.” Candace’s face turned red.

“I thought you didn’t like sports…I mean girls like you. I mean…Oh fuck!” Keith started to turn red himself.

“Whaddya mean, girls like me?” Candace asked with a glare.

“I’m sorry…I don’t know what the fuck you like…what do girls like you like…I mean don’t you like girl stuff?”

“Football is girl stuff.” Candace said with a hint of anger in her voice. But she followed with,

“I bet your mom likes football!” Candace smiled knowingly.

“Yeah…we watch the Ravens all the time. Who do you like?” Keith found himself smiling even though he wanted to frown.

“The Giants…I’m from New York, remember?” Keith didn’t remember at all. He found himself staring at her and said,

“You like Manning…He’s a dog!” He laughed. Candace looked at him and frowned and said in return,

“Yeah, I love Manning.” It came out a little more emphatic than she had meant.

“Yeah…I figured…well, he’s married. You’ll have to find another QB to root for…How about Sanchez…I think he’s available.” Keith smirked.

“You jackass! Manning won a Super Bowl, Joey Flacco is a moron!” She stuck her tongue out.

“Sorrrreeee!” Keith said. “I just thought…you’re a girl and…”

“I like football…I also like music and singing and….sewing.” Candace said sheepishly. She was only a little embarrassed. Being a girl was a lifelong journey. Learning about being a girl was almost brand new, and stereotypes and differences got all mixed together, making for a confusing if interesting trip.

“I bet you like the Yankees…you look like a Yankee fan!” Keith laughed at the joke only he got.

“I don’t like baseball…it’s boring…takes too long and nothing happens. Now I do like basketball.”

“Yeah…the fucking WNBA!” He laughed until she punched him hard in the arm.

“Yeah...and the final four…NCAA you know…and NBA LeBron and Kobe! And Steve Nash!” At the mention of the Sun’s point guard, Candace’s newly discovered crush betrayed her…”

“He’s got funny eyes.” Keith said.

“Does not…besides…he’s the best passer in the league!” She smiled once again.

“I guess…” Keith looked at Candace, and it almost seemed like he was beginning to understand.

“Keith, honey, we’ve got to go…say goodbye to your friend.” Margo called from the van in the driveway.

“Well, I gotta go. I guess I’ll see you, huh?” Keith smiled awkwardly and then frowned at himself as Candace said,

“Not unless you move here or me and Janet move to Baltimore.” Candace hopped off the railing. She hadn’t planned on it, far from it in fact, but she went to hug Keith goodbye. They stood facing each other for a few seconds and then it happened. It wasn’t real...was it? It couldn’t be, but it happened.

“Well, see you anyway…I’m really sorry about…your Dad.” Candace said. Keith smiled and without thinking kissed Candace on the cheek. He stared at her again for a moment and it hit him.

“Oh fuck, I’m sorry.” He said, and he was; not for kissing her, but for kissing her without warning. He had never kissed anyone besides his mother, his sister, his dad and his grandmother. And there he was, turning an even darker shade of red than before.

Candace stood there for a moment, almost matching Keith’s embarrassment. But she smiled and said,

“That’s okay. Have a good life, okay?” She looked at him and carried away by the moment, she leaned in and kissed him full on the lips. Realizing what she had done, she stepped back and said quickly,

“Bye!” She darted into the front door and was gone. Keith stood dumbfounded for a moment and shook his head. He walked down the steps to the van where his mother stood.

“Let’s go home, honey, okay?” She said, pulling him into a hug before they both got into the van. As they pulled away, Keith looked back one last time at the home and smiled. And while he felt good, he had absolutely no idea why.

The curtains parted slightly in the front family room. Candace smiled as she watched the van drive off. Janet walked into the room and asked,

“So where’s Keith, baby girl?” Candace turned around and thought for a moment about what Janet had just said. She ran right into Janet’s arms and burst into tears.

“It’s okay, honey, Momma’s here! It’s okay!”
 

 
Next: Joyful in Hope

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I'll Love You Forever by Robert Munsch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6z-oBkgJ4Ow
 
These Are the Days
As Performed by Natalie Merchant
Words and Music by Natalie Merchant
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3NIMz8EtwY