I'm struggling with dysphoria, and to make it worse, I feel guilty. I'm so much luckier than most trans people, it feels like I'm being ungrateful to struggle with those things I don't have.

Hugs appreciated.

my mom's nightly struggle with paranoid delusions is killing my spoons. It's been weeks now since I got to sleep through the night without her waking me up saying her daughter in law has started fires in the electrical wiring or is watching mom through a camera hidden in the vent in her room.

which means I'm letting my self-care slip, and am scared what happens if I have a major PTSD attack or depressive episode.

hugs appreciated.

my mom had her worst episode yet this morning at 3 AM.

She was so convinced that Carol was coming downstairs to throw her out that she barricaded her bedroom door.

sighs, I'm starting to worry we wont last the month we're supposed to wait before she can get an official evaluation

There will be at least one openly trans official at the Tokyo games, a trans woman named Kimberly Daniels will be one of the judges of canoe slalom, while her daughter will be one of the first women competing in the sport.

What's really cool to me at least is that both are Canadians.

I'm struggling with feeling worthless, almost to the point of feeling suicidal.

I honestly don't know if this is PTSD, depression or both, but hugs appreciated

In the aftermath of my blog here yesterday, I was talking with Drea, and came to a startling and sad realization.

That there has been a part of me that hoped the trans stuff was caused by my rapes. Because then if I got over the rapes, I'd get over the trans stuff too.

I was thrown by this, but thanks to people on the BC discord page, I worked through it.

So I guess Dorothy isn't going anywhere, and that's okay.

Okay so last night I had another dream where I was at school (this time it was university, but still) and lost.

Except this time I ran across a really bubbly young woman, who seeing me looking confused took my arm, and when I told her were I wanted to go, she found us a rather round-about route.

There has been a split in my extended family for most of my life, with many of my uncles and aunts refusing to having anything to do with my mom or my brother or I.

Now, two of those uncles are apparently having serious medical problems, and there's every chance I wont know anything unless they die.

Despite this, I'm finding myself wishing I could see them one last time.

Crazy, huh?

I'm sorry to post again so soon, but well, I've gotten some potentially bad news.

The doctor who did the scope on me apparently found some growths in my esophagus.

Biopsy negative for cancer, but their placement is a concern, apparently.

hugs and prayers appreciated.

I had a dream last night that has me questioning me being trans.

In the dream I was at university and sharing a dorm room with a dude.

So when I woke up, I realized that even though I never looked at myself in the dream, I would have to had been a dude too.

Now I'm all mixed up and I want to cry.

Because I'm a tad strange, I decided to count the number of stories I have here.

Final count?

425 individual stories, poems, and essays.

not bad, huh?

I'm a bad writer.

See, instead of writing stories, I've been making D&D characters.

sorry.

so here is my chronicle of my adventures in endoscopy:

after repeatedly telling the nurses and then the doctor about my PTSD and gag reflex, they gave me the normal amount of sedative and then had me clench this plastic tube between my teeth.

10 seconds later I'm gagging and they had to take it out and knock me all the way out to do the procedure.

Sighs, at least it's over ...

I got more triggered by a sweet romantic story than by a story about the sexual abuse of a child.

sighs, I am so messed up ...

I was re-reading one of my old stories, and couldn't help but giggle at this exchange in the comments:

"Boo hoo... You don't love me enough to kill me..."

"I had a special death planned for you but decided to be merciful to my readers, I'll kill you next time, promise."

"Aww, you're a good friend. *hug*"

Okay so last night this bit of dialog came into my head:

Young man, looking in a mirror while wearing girl's clothes for the first time: "Is it weird that I'm super attracted to myself?"

Female friend:"You're not the only one. If I'd known how hot you'd look, I would have tried to talk you into skirts a long time ago"

And since I dont have a story to go with this dialog, I'm offering it up as a challenge to anyone who wants to make a story around it,

so last night I had the closest thing to a nightmare I've had in a while.

I was at a hospital, taking a class, and as I was making my way to the exit, one of my tormenters from high school jumped on my back as I was going up a flight of stairs.

I somehow managed to not fall down the stairs, bit I lay there, seemingly unable to fight, screaming at the guy to get off me.

I'll be okay, just a bit shook up.

If you are a fan of transformation fiction, or just good science fiction, you've probably have at least heard of Jack L. Chalker. Well, I found a book by him that could have easily been written here.

It's called "The Identity Matrix", and its the story of Victor Gosner, a 35 year-old expert in political science who finds himself body swapped with a 13 year old native American girl, and then into the body of a blonde bombshell co-ed.

I found the characters charming, the situation engaging, and the book really hard to put down, so it gets a recommendation from me.

Okay so last night's dream was a bit different. I was in a school, and apparently part of the the cleaning crew. I confirmed with a teacher where I was to clean, and when she said I should know already, I told her I'd been away for a while and wanted to have the expectations I was to meet clear.

I went into the room, and started moping, and then someone joined me, and a after a moment of confusion, I figured out she was a trainee I was supposed to supervise. The dream ended with the room clean and me with a sense of accomplishment.

Make of that what you will.

ok so yesterday was a mixed bag. First, I finally got a project done that's been bugging me for a while - I cleaned out my closet's floor and sent the stuff I dont need to goodwill.

Unfortunately, I paid for that in the evening with what felt like a strained or pulled muscle in my stomach. Fortunately, a little lie down helped that, but then after I gone to sleep for the night I had yet another dream of confusion and frustration.