My therapist had a really good insight into what happened with the writing group:

"Sometimes when we're struggling with self-hate or loathing, we find ourselves sharing vulnerable aspects of ourselves to people who have not earned the right to our most intimate selves. It's almost like a test to those around us. And if they passed one test, we push again and we push harder.

So last night I brought my autobiographical piece "the house" to my writing group, and the group leader got so upset at the thought that I might be worried about hurting someone the way I was hurt got her so upset she stopped my reading, and we went on to someone else's work. So I came home in a cloud of self-hate, which wasn't helped by my sister in law reminding me this is now twice in a fairly short time I've hurt this person.

Have you ever a blast while failing? I tried to make a home-made pizza with Sam, and even though the pizza itself was a flop, it was a hoot for me, and I hope for Sam as well.

got a body blow today.

Carol told me Mike had a meltdown on the weekend. He got very angry at an employee at the wildlife park over nothing

this is very much unlike him, but something she was warned about as his disease progresses

he went for a test today, the results will tell us if it is getting worse for sure, but he's already told Carol that if he ever gets violent she has his permission to put him into long term care

the worst thing of getting the news about Mike today was it was Sam's grad today, and I hate that I couldn't be happier for her

Got a new story up.

its not exactly light and fluffy, so be warned,

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/90966/house

So today was a crappy day.

It started with me having a dream where I took pleasure in being cruel to someone, which has got me thinking I'm too dangerous and should commit myself.

then I went to the doctor, and got the results from the CT scan of my head, which showed nothing wrong. That would be good news, except it leaves why I'm having word drop and stuttering and memory issues a mystery.

Then mom and I picked up Sam at work and took her home, and Sharon asked for a ride to the post office.

So apparently Sharon has been portraying me in glowing terms to her family.

The funny thing is she told me they are mostly suspicious of guys, but her descriptions of me have caused them to approve of me sight unseen.

good news, I think

just posted something new, for whatever it's worth:

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/90804/dots-harlequin-...

well, I went to get my toes done.

I really HATE being ticklish.

It sets off my PTSD something awful, but at least I now have (reasonably) pretty feet

so the leader of my writing group called, and we were able to make up.

I feel fantastic now!

Well, today I went to the respiratory clinic , and I'm still not getting good results. plus, they are gonna have to recall my unit and no idea if Alberta will cover the replacement I need.

not sure what they will be able to do for me

the problem is I really need a bipap, not a cpap and that was never part of my sleep study.

so I am going to have to use as is, for a couple of weeks, then they are gonna set me up with an 02 monitor to prove I need more.

I'm having a real tough time, and I need my friends now.

The black dog of depression has a hold on me, and my prayers feel like they can't even reach the ceiling much less heaven.

all hugs, prayers, and encouragement appreciated.

Had a really scary moment today.

We had gone to a local mall, and on our way out, I had something like a seizure in my right leg.

It started with my leg trembling, then shaking, and then I almost fell as it felt like every part of my leg tried to go in a different direction.

It calmed down, but after I'd taken a few more steps it happened again.

I told mom, and had her take over the driving, but it didn't happen again.

sighs, didn't I have enough problems already?

I'm not sure why, but I'm feeling super dysphoric and pathetic.

hugs appreciated

One of the most frustrating effects of what happened to me is that it destroyed my confidence in my ability to make decisions. I become paralyzed, and usually end up making the choice that requires the least change.

An example is happening right now as I am on the list to get stomach surgery, and the closer I get to the due date the less confident I'm making the right call.

sighs . . .

you know, I've gotten used to having some degree of pain in my left leg, but I just had something worse than pain.

My leg felt like it was simply going to collapse, and I almost fell.

I'm still shaking.

My whole life has been one long struggle to not become a monster.

I did not succeed.

I can still feel the monster, waiting for its chance to get out

got the first chapter of a brand new story up!

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/90136/dd-portal-probl...

So I was a bit foolish and watched an episode of "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit", and as I should have expected, it was not a good idea.

I identified so hard with the victim, in her frustration and helplessness in the face of a rapist who seems beyond prosecution.

I often feel this, especially when real life cases follow the same path, and it is exactly the same helplessness I felt during the two and a half years I was being raped.

So Last night I dreamed that I had a breakdown over the trans stuff back in high school.

It has me shaken, and I'm not sure why.

Yesterday my mom found a box in her closet that turned out to have a number of items from a very long time ago.

among the items was my father's sergeant's pins, and a couple of report cards of mine from when I was in junior high school.

The report cards showed that I was highly creative, struggling socially, and had the worst handwriting ever, so I guess not much has changed.

what a difference a couple hours can make.

even though I left the church feeling really good about my speech, when I got home and watched it, I was horrified at the sound quality.

now, I feel like it was a failure.