So I stood up to my stepfather last night.

Okay it was just a dream, but still . . .

I dreamed I walked back to the house we had in Calgary, and found him there picking on my younger self.

So I got between them, and told my stepfather if he wanted to pick on someone, he could try me, as I was his size.

He ran away, leaving me behind, calling him a coward.

Then I woke up.

I honestly am not sure how to feel about this dream, but I think its a hopeful sign.

Yep, my 14th anniversary of being on this site has arrived. (well, my account says "13 years, 12 months" but details).

Boy, things sure change in 14 years - which isn't really surprising, but somethings remain pretty much the same.

I still love reading the amazing writing offered in this site, and am always staggered to even be mentioned in the same breath as some of the talented writers here.

I am still the one who comments on a lot of stories, which I hope isn't annoying.

And I am still the one who is hopefully growing and improving as time goes by.

New little bit of nonsense up:

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/97979/its-not-disease

I am not really sure why I haven't been blogging the last couple of days, but for anybody who is interested, here is an update:

I got my registration and insurance issues fixed, so I am back on the road, which is good news.

I took a heart stress test, and did very well, with my blood pressure well inside the normal range, which is also good news.

I've made some progress on my new Fluke story, which may or may not be good news, depending how you feel about that character.

So today was not the best day. I had just crawled out of my worst depression in decades, and then I got hit with a nasty bout of dysphoria

Once more, the simple reality that I will never be "pretty", never even get SRS, hit me right in the heart, and yet, because Mom and I were doing errands I had to keep pretending I was okay.

Sighs . . .

Be afraid.

Be very afraid . . .

Since I'm currently in a manic state, I figured I would talk about what being manic does to me.

See, unlike the depression part of my cycle, which is always kind of the same, each time I'm manic seems a bit different from the last.

Sometimes, when I'm manic, I become giggly like I had taken a serious hit of pot. (Its also when my girly girl side comes out most. That, of course, is Jaci's fault).

But sometimes, instead of that, I become irrationally angry at everything and everyone.

so for the last week, I've been dealing with a rather nasty flu, mostly settling into my nose and throat.

So when I tried to talk on Discord or on the phone, I basically had no voice at all.ge

Then yesterday, things managed to get worse.

I broke out in hives all over my back and belly.

I called the local health line, and they told me getting an allergic reaction to a flu virus does happen, and the best I can do is treat the symptoms until my immune system kicks out the flu causing the trouble.

Okay, so last night Jaci called me, and told me some people on Discord were rather concerned about me, since I hadn't been on in a while, nor had a posted a blog here.

I told her and the others I had gotten super focused on a stupid D&D thing I had been working on, and just kind of tuned everything else out.

But having had a night to think about it, that was only partially true.

See, last Thursday, a 16 year old boy killed 2 police officers, seriously wounded his own mother, and then took his own life here in Edmonton.

My entry in the "Abducted" contest is up!

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/97368/my-muses-tale-a...

So because Sharon has been unable to get a caregiver for Sam, she's going to have to come here twice a week on the days Sharon works.

On the one hand, I love seeing Sam, and I'm sure she's not unhappy to spend time with me and mom.

On the other hand, this means me getting 1 mental health day a week is going to be impossible, and I worry I am not going to be able to provide the activity level she needs.

I think she needs someone who can keep up with her, not a crippled Dad.

Well, we'll just have to do our best.

So I had a mixed day yesterday.

I got some good news from my endo doc, as I'm losing weight, and my blood pressure is really good.

Sadly I am still struggling with my blood sugar so he's going to tweak my meds to see if we can make some progress there.

Then we took Sharon and Sam out for a bit, and its still a joy to see Sam talking and laughing again.

But then my knee tweaked, and I was in serious pain with only a Tylenol to try and dull it.

So we had Sam today, and were able to go over to my aunt's and let Sam play with her new dog.

A top 10 day, for all of us.

So we were doing a little running around with Sharon and Sam, and several times Sam actually spoke.

It had been months since we had heard her voice.

She is clearly still not 100 %, but its a big step in my opinion.

Okay so last night at about 2 AM, the building's fire alarm went off, and while this has happened several times since we move in, most of the time it turns out to be nothing.

Not this time.

We could actually smell smoke, and as the elevators were out of service mom and I carefully made our way down the stairs to the lobby.

By the time we got there, the firefighters had gotten out the fire, and were taking someone to the hospital, possibly due to smoke inhalation.

I am struggling to hold in my anger about what's going on in Oklahoma.

(If you haven't heard, they want to band trans affirming care to anyone under 25).

How can people hate trans people like me this much?

so I got some great news, as the Alberta disability support department has agreed to pay for me to get a new CPAP machine.

so months of stress, finally I am going to not worry anymore.

Wanted to share.

So going into yesterday I was looking at having a ton of "to do" things on my schedule until the end of the year, and I was getting kind of stressed about it.

Then life added another item to the list.

One of the tires on my car started losing air.

After frantically phoning around, I was getting to the point where I was wondering how I would get anything done if I couldn't get the tire fixed.

Okay so the last time I was over at Mike and Carol's they were packing up their books, and I took one that was a collection of the Nebula award winners from 1966. (The Nebula awards are presented by SF authors to the best stories of that year.)

One of the runners up was a cute little love story by Frederik Pohl, called Day Million.

The story is about a boy (of sorts), and a girl, and the girl was born a boy.

And the society in which they live, not only recognized her true nature, but had the ability to reshape her body to match her mind and heart.

so I have been using a CPAP machine for a while, and it had done wonders for my sleep apnea.

Unfortunately, it was only a loaner, and I have to return it Friday.

And because of mistakes I made trying to get Alberta Disabled support to cover me for one, I am going to be without one for the foreseeable

There have been a lot of times, I've made massive errors, and somehow avoided consequences, so if this time I am going to pay for my mistakes, so I can't kick too hard.

Still, its gonna suck not having the machine considering how bad my apnea is.

Some time after I had been on this site for a while, I realized I had managed to publish at least one story, poem, or essay each calendar month with one exception.

Being the kind of individual I am, it became an obsession to keep this streak going, and honestly, I think the quality of my stories suffered for it.

Well, as of midnight tonight, the streak is over, as I have not been able to produce any content for the month of November.

so yesterday, I went to the endo doctor's office, and ran into the doctor who had been treating me when I was part of the bariatric program, and she complimented me on the growth I've had since then.

I really needed to hear that.