I had a nightmare last night that I had been r*ped, and was trying to tell a female police officer about it while in a bathroom. In the dream I kept repeating "I want to die"

As you might expect, I am shaking.

hugs appreciated.

finally have a new story up:

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/95250/when-paths-cross

I am an addict.

I am addicted to imagination.

Fantasy, science fiction, comics, almost anything would do as long as it allowed me to not deal with the real world.

Nowadays I get my fix mostly online, including the ability to create a fake version of me so I never had to face my real self.

The result is I am an overgrown child, completely unable to handle the adult world.

not a good day today

popped my knee at the grocery store, which triggered my PTSD, and then later I had to deal with my mom going on a paranoid rant.

anybody got some spare huggles?

So it appears that Sam had some kind of breakdown, and I will be looking after her the next 2 days as Sharon will be working.

hugs and prayers appreciated.

well, yesterday we managed to get the window on my car fixed, walking away 500$ poorer in the process.

Only to have that fix last less than 24 hours, thanks to my mom.

We were told to not put down the window for 24 hours when we picked up the car yesterday afternoon, but while doing a grocery run with her sister, my mom forgot and started to put the window down.

The glass didnt fall out, but its no longer in place.

So off we went back to the dealership today to get it fixed - again, but they haven't called us back, which means we are sans car for now.

I've entered "Rock Star Makeover" into a contest here:

https://www.inkitt.com/stories/romance/933177?utm_source=sha...

New little song up:

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/94741/jaci-and-dot-wi...

I surrendered to Jaci's girl germs, and put on a skirt for my birthday yesterday.

Despite the fact I look like a dude in a dress, nobody said anything negative.

in fact, I got complimented on my outfit while in Walmart

I was getting a few things, and this lady had a little one in her shopping cart, who couldn't keep her eyes off me. I waved at the little one, and that's when the mom complimented me on my outfit

I think I blushed hard enough to drown out the lights.

well, I learned something about my manic phase today.

I never realized there is a path from my manic phase to Mr. Nasty, my negative self-talk.

But, there is.

Its because if I get angry while manic, that anger has more energy than when I'm depressed, and if the anger is caused by a sense of helplessness, and almost all my anger is, its really easy for that anger to shift focus to the helplessness itself, and then Mr. Nasty can start beating me up for being helpless.

Good to know, not fun to experience.

Here is a little writing prompt for anybody who wants it:

I walked up to the door, and knocked. A young man answered, and he asked, "Can I help you."

I replied "I'm here to kill you."

There was a pause, and then the young man opened the door, saying "Well, you better come in, then."

There you go, folks, have fun!

latest chapter of TTSD is up:

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/94317/ttsd-5-dot-hunting

Okay, so yesterday we got the keys to the new place, and discovered a few problems.

The first gut-punch came when we found out the $175 parking fee doesn't give us a dedicated spot in the parkade, and the only time non-residents are not allowed to park in there is overnight.

This means its entirely possible we will come home from getting groceries or whatever, and not be able to find a place to park.

yesterday, I had one of my more frustrating habits show up.

I have a rash on my stomach that goes down to between my legs, and it was hurting me so bad I actually broke down and cried.

Then, and this is the frustrating part, I apologized for crying.

That's a habit I would truly like to break.

I'm really struggling with feeling hopeless and worthless today.

huggles needed and appreciated.

Okay so I was talking to a friend last night about my current bout of depression, and she, because she likes to tease me about how girly I am, pointed out that my bipolar cycle speeds up once a month, mimicking a period.

Now before you totally dismiss this, I must report that both times I lived with a woman with a menstrual cycle, my bipolar started to mirror that cycle, to the point I would joke with Tracy that she never had to tell me when her period was about to start, as I just had to pay attention to my own emotions.

I have begun the process of trying to figure out what I can take with me to the new place.

Its a bit smaller than what I currently have, so the more I can give away is better, but I'm finding it hard.

Ah, well.

I feel like there is a piece of me that has isolated itself from the rest.

while the rest of me is doing the walking and the talking and even the thinking and the feeling, this piece is separated, watching it all.

But it does more than watch.

It provides commentary, and even narration in the third person like I'm a character in a story.

Sometimes, I wish I could integrate it into myself, but I have no idea how.

so my mom just had a rough couple of days.

on Sunday, her portable closet broke, she spilled part of breakfast, and she discovered her tomatoes had gone bad.

Yesterday she got confused and couldn't find the entrance to Costco.

If you want to give her some huggles, I'll pass them on to her.

I was talking to my therapist about my dreams, and she asked me an interesting question.

Many of my dreams feature me trying to protect others, or rescue others, and she wondered if I ever dreamed I was the one being rescued or protected.

And after some hard thought, I can say that to the best of my ability to remember, I have never had that kind of dream.

Even in my dreams, it seems, I don't believe anyone would be coming to my rescue.

I kind of think that's sad.

Okay so yesterday, I was shopping with Sharon, and I decided to pick up a bottle of distilled water for my CPAP machine, but when I went to ask a worker at the store, the word "distilled" simply vanished from my vocabulary.

I was able to find where they had the bottles, but its very uncomfortable to be standing in front of someone asking for something, and then the word for that something wont come.

sighs . . .

So I dreamed I was the star of a TV show about teen superheroes aboard a space station.

I've clearly been reading (and writing) too many superhero stories.

Today was a "bad news - good news" day.

First the bad - I somehow managed to tear a hole in one of the tires on my car, and that was a serious stress
.
But now the good - My neighbor helped me put on my spare so I could take the car to a tire store, and after we got that looked after we were able to get a refill on my medications and some groceries.

I like days that end better than they start, don't you?