Dorothy Colleen

Today, I must pretend I'm okay

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This morning I found myself thinking about my rapes and my gender issues.

When I first went for counseling, all I was hoping for was to find out for sure if my rapes had caused me to be transgender. I didn't think it would be possible to heal me from the damage done, but I hoped to understand and perhaps settle the issue of my gender identity.

The result was it seems that the two issues are not connected in a cause and effect way, so if one had been removed, I would still be dealing with the other.

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We've applied for housing on the south side of Edmonton

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So, I finally finished an application for subsidized housing on the south side of Edmonton for mom and me.

Being closer to Sharon and Sam would be a good thing, and maybe if my mom isn't here she wont have as much paranoia about my sister in law. (I know, unlikely, considering what dementia does, but I can hope)

Personally I have mixed feelings about leaving. I've felt safe here, which has been a rare thing for me, but the long drives are tough, and I think I can still be of some good to my mom by staying with her, or at least I hope so.

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adventures in sleep apnea

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so last night, I was supposed to do a home sleep study, and I blew it badly, not being able to connect the hoses properly.

so I'm going to have to try again tonight.

meanwhile, I think my manic phase is ending and I am heading downward, so hugs appreciated.

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a day with two girls while mostly undressed

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last night I had a dream that reminded me of something that actually happened.

When I was 16, we returned to Calgary after spending a year in Denver, and I was lucky enough to fall into a group of people who were into D&D, including some girls. later, in summer, two of the girls invited me to come over and spend the day with them.

As it was very hot, they soon decided to strip to their underwear, and encouraged me to do the same.

Nothing even slightly sexual happened, we just watched tv and played some games.

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dreaming of dysphoria

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So last night, I dreamed I was back in school, and for some reason, after one class I was escorted around by a girl.

She was wearing a pretty black dress with rhinestones, and dark hose that was still sheer enough to show she had a tattoo on her thigh, and I was just dying of jealousy.

I woke feeling sad.

ah, well.

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two bits of good news to share

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I have two bits of good news to share.

1st bit of good news, I found the email of the lady who ran the local writing group, we had a good trade in emails, and I feel like I have rediscovered a friend I had lost.

2nd bit of good news, I used my new CPAP machine for the first time last night, and I only had 6.6 apnea incidents per hour. in my original sleep study I was getting 130 incidents/hour, and on my old machine I was still getting 35-40.

so yay!

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coming to terms with who I'm attracted to

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I think I can finally admit I find the idea of dating a crossdressing man appealing. what that says about me, I have no clue, but since it has maybe a 1% chance of happening, I probably shouldn't panic about it.

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Fashion Passion

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Fashion Passion



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the level of talent on this site astonishes me

I've been reading some of the other entries for the Valentine's day contest on my writing site, and all I can say is that many of the authors are as good as any major bestseller's author.

I'm just a duffer, but I feel privileged to just be in the company of such talent.

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Muse update

Well, it feels like its been a while since I have given a writing update, here goes:

Chapter 4 of "portal problems" is being written now. hopefully done by the end of the month.

Horror story "when paths cross" and its sequel are also being worked on. not sure how long to go.

Latest story about "Tinker Tailor Soldier Dot" is actually done, but waiting for Amethyst to be able to finish her Pinpoint story before it gets released, and a 5th story has been started.

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I might be moving

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Well, things could be changing here in a serious way.

I think the time has come for my mom to find a senior's lodge, as her paranoia over Carol is causing problems.

It might take a while, with waiting lists, and COVID being factors.

But the bigger question is what do I do?

Do I try and find a place with a 2 bedroom suite so we can continue to be together?

That would be mom's first preference, and mine too, but it may not be practical, or even possible.

I guess time will tell . . .

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allergy results and revelations

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Today I went to get tested for allergies, and I tested positive to cat hair, tree pollen, grass, and shrimp - the latter is apparently bad enough they have proscribed an epi pen for me.

But something interesting happened.

When they first gave me my results and the prescription, I noticed it had the wrong name, so I had to go back in and get things straightened out.

But what was interesting was the young woman receptionist apologized repeatedly, and I told her not to sweat it, since I got the corrected information.

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Customer Satisfaction

 

Customer Satisfaction


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enter the depression

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So, I've entered a depression, and I'm trying to be as mindful of what happens as I was during my manic phase.

So far, I'm having a rather unusual symptom, at least for me, I've lost my appetite.

Not much I can do but maybe force myself to eat a little.

hugs appreciated, folks

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"The Killing Joke"

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I was watching "Atop the fourth wall" on Youtube, and he did a review of "the Killing Joke", which is a Batman story. The main theme of the story is the Joker believes what separates him from regular people is just one bad day.

He's wrong, of course, and I can show proof by pointing to many of my friends who have had "one bad day" - in many cases it was much more than just one day - and who are kind, generous, and would never hurt anybody.

Now, if you're wondering why I don't use me as an example, the answer is simple.

Unlike my friends, I'm broken and dangerous.

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I'm very frustrated with myself

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I've been working on a sequel to "Demonstration Model" and I'm getting frustrated with myself.

I've developed a reputation for flash fiction, and while that's not bad, sometimes, I'd like to actually let a story breathe a bit.

But that's not happening with this story. I'm 370 words in, and I'm going to be lucky to end up with over 500 words.

sighs . . .

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I had an unusual dream

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Okay last night I had a very unusual dream.

it started with me in school, and discovering I was failing in a class, and feeling very upset about that.

Then I went out of that classroom and realized that the building was some kind of construct, and I could walk through the walls.

So that's exactly what I did.

I had one scary moment when someone grabbed my arm as I was walking through a wall, but I told them to let me go or something messy would happen, and they let me go.

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dodging bullets

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Well, "dodging bullets" seems to be a theme around here today.

My brother dodged a bullet when we found out he hadn't dislocated his knee or torn tendons as we had feared, but had just inflamed everything. Bit of rest, and then light exercise, and he will be on the road to recovery.

Mom and I dodged a bullet dealing with COVID, as while we couldn't get a test to confirm, it seems likely we had a mild version of the disease, meaning the fact we were both vaccinated probably prevented us from needing to be hospitalized.

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My brother has had a bad couple of days

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My brother Mike has had a bad couple of days.

It started with him finding out yesterday that a good friend is in the hospital after their vehicle was struck by a train.

And then today he tried to help me shovel the walk and made his knee worse, to the point he couldn't hardly walk.

so if you're the praying type, some prayers for my family would be appreciated.

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hopeful dreams

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yesterday I had two dreams that have me thinking I might be going in a good direction.

In the first I was in line to see a movie and wanted to make sure I'd be able to stop at the concession stand, and in the second I was at university and headed towards my locker after my last class.

What made these dreams different was that I knew where I wanted to go, I just had to make the journey, instead of feeling anxious that I wouldn't be able to find what I was looking for.

So hopeful, I think.

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having a breakdown in Walmart

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So Mom and I thought we were feeling well enough to go get some groceries, but while walking around Walmart, my knee tweaked and Mom told me to go back to the car.

Once back at the car, I had a complete breakdown - crying, shaking, and not being able to stop.

Fortunately I had myself under control by the time mom came out with the groceries, so she didn't see my breakdown, but honestly, I still feel pretty shaky

so hugs appreciated.

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slowly recovering and being a delivery girl

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a health update: most of my flu symptoms have ended except I have a runny nose, and its hard to complain about that when I have felt so bad the last couple of days.

I have also started working on a new story, which has started out being something more appropriate to Halloween than now, which has me thinking once more that I am not the creator of my stories, they just arrive, and my only job is to be a good delivery girl and pass them on.

Anyway, that's my update for now..

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not a stellar day today, I fear

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I am suffering from déjà vu today. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop doing the same things over and over.

you add in the fact I threw up last night, my joints are killing me, and I had a head cold, today is not looking like a stellar day.

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I write sins . . .

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I Write Sins . . .



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I became disoriented yesterday

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well, yesterday was a scary day. I was helping Sharon do some running around, and suddenly I had no idea which direction we were facing or what avenue was closest.

Sharon helped get me reoriented, so all safe, but its one more sign my brain has serious issues

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there went my good mood

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Well, my good mood has gone pop. after I posted on Facebook about the gift I got this year, I got this reply from my sister in law: "It's a shame that after the love and grace received thought your brother deserved no card, nor gift but a black lump of coal. It's even more a shame he expected no better treatment."

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my Christmas miracle

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Well, after listening to all the advice I was given, I will share my Christmas miracle.

To give some context, before my transition I was terrified that I would lose the people I loved if I came out, and of course that did not happen.

Despite that, there two people with deep concerns about what I was doing and why, my brother and sister-in-law.

Honestly I was just glad they were not actively trying to stop me.

Which brings us to Christmas.

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I have a dilemma and I need your help

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I'm facing a moral dilemma and I need everybody's help.

See, I had something very good happen to me yesterday, and originally I planned to come here and share it at full volume, but then I started thinking.

I'm already much better off than a lot of the people here, at least in terms of how accepting their loved ones are of the gender stuff, and I started to wonder if me sharing would make those people feel worse about their own situations.

And since I don't want to hurt anybody, should maybe I just . . . not share?

Advice please?

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Military dream

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Okay so last night I dreamed I was one of a group of teens at a day camp studying to become cadets so they could enter the military after high school.

We studied military history, specifically Julius Caesar, and at the end of the camp all the cadets were in dress uniforms for the trip home.

But their uniforms included what I can only describe as a skirt. Not a kilt, but a plain red skirt with white stripes on the sides. Yes, boys and girls were in this outfit.

Wish fulfillment, maybe?

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Bad day

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But today was a bad day.

After a nice Saturday with Sharon and Sam, including a gift exchange, we were surprised when Sharon called us and said she'd left a bag at a drug store.

So this afternoon we went down there, picked them up, took them to the store, and got the bag, and then Sharon said she needed to go to a local mall. I assumed it was some last minute shopping but when we got there she asked how long she and Sam could take in the mall, and feeling slightly boxed in, I said they could have an hour, and mom said they could have an hour and a half.

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a change in my dreams

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I had a really crazy dream last night.

It started with me being at a university, and one of the students, a young black man, gave me his coat. I put it on, turned a corner, and suddenly I was the only white person I saw in the halls. I went back and found the young man and gave him the coat back, and then I "jumped" into a new situation.

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Double Dream

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I'm sure you've seen enough TV to know what I mean if I say a show is a "doctor show" or a "lawyer show".

But what about a show that's both?

That was the dream I had last night. In the first half of the dream, I was a lawyer fighting to get a client a fair trial.

And then without warning I was suddenly in a hospital listening to a lecture on a new surgical procedure.

Don't ask me folks, I just do the dreaming.

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I submitted "Quest for the Silver Cleric" to Berkley's

I've submitted "Quest for the Silver Cleric" to Berkley's Publishing.

If you want to submit a work, here is the link:

https://authorspublish.com/berkley-an-imprint-of-peguin-rand...

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Demonstration Model

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Demonstration Model



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