Bit of a tough day today, as my car battery died, and with the extreme cold I had to wait quite a while for a tow.

But honestly, one of the worst parts of the whole experience was constantly being called sir on the phone with the towing company, despite my attempts to correct the lady.

I know it's not as big a thing as what many people, including people I love, are going through, but it still hurt

When I first started going out as myself, I got to talk to a lot of women who told me they didn't like most of the feminine stuff.

They would avoid dresses and skirts and the rest unless they had no choice.

I got the impression they saw being feminine as being less, which is an attitude I would expect from guys, but it was a little strange to hear it from women.

Me, I would have given anything to be allowed to be feminine, so hearing women say they saw it as at best kind of meh . . . well, I really dont know what to make of that.

So, the events in the states has me feeling very helpless, which is triggering my PTSD rather badly.

all hugs and prayers appreciated.

so I have been getting this reoccurring image, and I think I will have to figure out a story to go with it.

Here is the image:

There is a new form of VR, that taps into the brain of the user, to produce an avatar of their inmost self.

A group of trans people have been offered the chance to be beta testers, and being very attracted to the idea, they say yes.

The initial setting is a park, and one by one, the group comes in, getting to see their authentic selves, many for the first time.

If you scroll through the list of my stories, and realize that Games without Frontiers is missing, do not panic.

I havent given up on the story, to the contrary, I am working on a polished version.

Because unpublishing also means I have lost the comments on the preview, I want to make sure to thank everyone who took the time to leave a comment. They mean the world to me.

I just thought having the preview up and a finished version (once I have actually finished it) up might cause some confusion.

huggles to all!

to end 2024 on a positive note, here is a list of some of my blessings:

My family, who love me despite my flaws.

My friends, who are always quick to give me support when I need it, and cheer my successes when they happen

My home - it's not perfect, but with about 3,000 people on the streets, I am grateful for it.

Big Closet: Having a place to share my stories and my blog has been a lifesaver for me.

You silly people who read this, especially those who take the time to leave a comment or a reaction.

Huggles for everyone!

It might sound odd, because of how much of my time I spend thinking about it, but I don't dream of the trans stuff often.

But last night was an exception.

I dreamed that I somehow got possession of a necklace belonging to a goddess of beauty.

Someone suggested I give it back, but I said, “I need this. I need to be beautiful”

Then I woke up, feeling rather sad.

Ah, well.

After being called a liar and a hypocrite by my sister-in-law on Facebook, I have decided I am not going on that site again.

Anybody know a halfway decent social media site?

One of my problems is that I care about things.

And the problem with caring about things is that eventually I had to come to understand how powerless I am to actually effect the things I care about.

which means there is almost nothing I can do but let my heart break when the things I care about are in danger.

Now, a sensible person would probably realize this is stupid, and would stop caring, so I could stop hurting.

Except I cant really do that, without sacrificing most of myself.

So, I guess I am doomed to hurt and hurt and hurt ...

Ever since I realized that I can hurt myself during my manic phase and not know it, I have trying to think of ways I can counter this.

Right now, the only idea I have is to try and take a moment every so often and visually check for any new bruises, cuts, or scratches, as well as any signs of joint issues.

Not going to be easy, since one of the main signs of my manic phase is the difficulty of focusing, but I have to try.

All encouragement, hugs, and any suggestions, appreciated.

so, I found out something interesting yesterday. I had spent a good part of the day walking, and to my delight my joints were not bothering me despite the cooling temperatures.

I assumed it was because of the weight I had lost, but last night, as my manic phase eased, the pain came back.

It makes sense, my manic phase is a lot like being drunk or being high, both known for blocking pain, I had just never made the connection before.

So, I think I set some kind of record today.

I managed to be both hyper and depressed at once.

I was pretty sure that wasn't possible, but I guess I underestimated my brain's ability to be terrible to itself.

Ah, well, just another adventure.

So today when my brother came over, he told us he has been dealing with serious blockage in his heart, to the point they have given him a nitro pen to inject himself with if needed.

I could use all the hugs you guys can send.

Things are getting worse here in Alberta.

The provincial government apparently announced that it will no longer cover SRS.

Now, this won't affect me directly, as my health isnt good enough for the surgery, but I feel for any Albertans who were hoping to get it.

But that's not the worst of it. The ruling party is having a convention right now, and one of the ideas being debated is bringing in a bathroom bill, basically banning someone like me from the using the lady's room.

I bought some expensive supposedly indestructible tights - I got a run in them putting them on the first time.

I just cant wear pretty things.

sighs, hugs appreciated.

there has not been an official announcement of the winners of the caption contest. I know I didnt win, but maybe there should be a shout out to the ones who did?

So I went swimming today, and while in the pool, I found myself thinking about 2 moments from my childhood.

The first involved a time when I was high school, I was curious about the name for the pants worn by Madonna (they were Capri pants, in case you were wondering) and had asked a gaggle of girls, when one growled at me and asked if I wanted to know so I could buy a pair to wear.

I was taken aback by her anger, because I didnt know why at the time.

I want to talk about choices for a moment.

See, I dont really trust myself, so when faced with decisions, I tend to turtle and try and avoid the situation. Of course, not choosing is in fact making a choice, and can have consequences.

But there is a more subtle way this works for me, and that happens if someone is offering me advice on the choice.

I find myself wanting to just hand the choice over to them, so I dont have to deal with it.

So last night, I had a radically different dream.

After having some adventures driving down a steep hill and then trying to find a way back up, I found myself outside a school. One of the teachers came and took me to the office, saying they needed to enroll me.

Now here was the really interesting part.

I told them I did not belong to that reality, so I could not be enrolled.

The office had a large computer, and at first agreed I did not belong in that reality, but then it glitched, and said that I now belonged there, so the teachers enrolled me.