okay so I've been kinda fraying at the edges for a while, and today I took the first steps at fixing that by getting my doctor to refer me to a psych program offered at a local hospital. we'll see how it goes.

I've been binge-reading a really good story called "Something feels strange".

you can find it here: https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/10535/something-feels-st...

I highly recommend it.

went to the dentist because of jaw pain. dentist said I strained my jaw.
not serious. booked me for physio Tuesday.

ok so a few days ago I watched the youtube channel the nostalgia critic do a take on the movie "The Wall", and it brought me back to one of the darker moments of my childhood.

See, when I was a teen, I saw the Wall, and I saw the movie as a cautionary tale of what I could become. Because I had walls too. Walls that protected me, but also isolated me. So after the movie, rather than seeking help, I decided to try and take down my walls on my own.

It ... didnt go well.

I'm in a bad place PTSD wise. hugs appreciated.

I had a strange experience yesterday and I really need to talk about it. I was part of a group meeting all day, and even though I know the people well, I began to have a really unusual way of distancing myself - I began doodling. I'm no drawer, but I started making little pictures of anything I could think of. I still engaged others, but I couldn't stop drawing. I have no idea what this means, but it worries me.

for some reason on the home page it says that Eolwaen is on my ignore list. I checked and on the ignore list page it says I dont have anybody on my ignore list.

help?

new story up: https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/80772/imp-pulse

okay, fair warning starting Saturday or Sunday I'm going to be looking after a friend's dog for a week. so I'll be online only sporadically.

I'll check in when I can

dream time again. I dreamed I was in a classroom and was getting frustrated because I couldnt make head or tails of the assignment I was given, It got so bad I started to wonder why I was in the class at all, when the class was sent out to a outdoor stage to watch a performance. I started to enjoy myself, but then I saw down the hill from the the stage a building was collapsing, soon gigantic pieces of marble and rock were flying up the hill at us. A large rock fell right in front of me, but I was able to push a little, and then climbed it.

Well, today I had to buy a blood sugar monitor, and will have to poke myself every morning. sighs ...

've been reading a pretty awesome webcomic called Girl genius. Link is here: http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/comic.php?date=20021104

I'm struggling with a sense of being worthless. I'd appreciate any encouragement I can get.

so a very stressful day. Was running errands with my ex, and first I had an anxiety attack and had to go sit in the car for a bit. Then while we were just about done, we got a phone call saying my ex's best friend's mom had been in a car accident not far away. We went to see how she was, and although not hurt, she was clearly in shock. Then while we waited with her two different towing guys got into a fight about towing the car right in front of us.

Feels like its been a while since Efdumb has been on, does anybody know if he's okay?

So I've been shaky ever since I shared "six forty five" with my writing group, which is why I've spent so much of my time looking at funny videos on youtube. I think I'm getting better, but honestly still feel like I'm having a picnic at a park surrounded by land mines ...

New story up ! https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/79874/sing-s-healing-...

Well, I'm 300 $ poorer, but I'm back online. Did you miss me?

I have talked here about an idea I had for this, my 10th anniversary year - having a character jump from one story universe to another.

Unfortunately, my muse isnt sending me anything to flesh the idea out, and instead I've been working on some sequels - one for the story "Sing a healing song", a new Jaci and Dottie story, and a story set in the "E-Girl" universe that will focus on the villains.

So I'm shelving the story jumping idea, at least for now.

I'm having a tough day, but to explain it you guys need to understand something about how my PTSD works. Its not just my rapes that are stuck in flashback mode, or even just my rapes and the abuse I suffered at the hands of my stepfather. Its EVERYTHING. The time I slammed the door on my brother's fingers to the time I ripped my pants at work to ... well the list is endless.

Needless to say, it sucks.

new poem up! https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/79574/haunted

Okay, so for the last while, I've been sharing stories at a writing group every two weeks, and last night I shared part 2 of a story called "Six forty-five" (which you can find here: https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/34885/six-forty-five ) and it went over well. So I came home to look at part 3, and ... I dont know. I'm seriously lacking confidence in it.

If anybody wants to look at it, and see if its better than my brain is telling me, that would cool ...