Love and Dysphoria

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Am I woman enough for you?

My voice
Does it
Calm
Soothe you?
Make you dream of the fields and forest?

I had just returned from a friend’s house and was greeted by my Mom at the front door. I immediately went into self-preservation mode as the look on her face meant she was in no mood to be manipulated by her good for nothing son.

I made good grades in school, didn’t get into any trouble and seemed to be well liked by some of my classmates, but apparently still not good enough for Mom by the expression on her face. I briefly wondered what I did this time, from the look on her face it must be earth shattering.

A week after the incident there were still repercussions popping up in the executive level of management at where I work. My immediate boss had written a memo and sent it to all of his fellow male executives. What was said in the memo you never say in public, much less put it in an email and send it out, even if it was only sent to a few fellow male employees. He addressed the coming secretaries day in his email, an unofficial event that our company had honored and participated in for several years.

“So… exactly how many high school fantasies are we fulfilling right now?” Paul asks as I tune my bass guitar, and I can’t help but smirk as I can already guess how the impending argument will go.

“Bit inappropriate to ask about MY high school fantasies, but I’ll let it slide,” Stuart replies, and I sense my opportunity to chip in.

“If it helps, Paul, I’m wondering the same thing,” I say, chuckling at the mock-offended look on my mentor’s face.

“…Okay, yes, every music student dreams of playing in a garage band in an actual garage,” Stuart concedes.

The first email I received was a shock. It was addressed to Christy. I looked at what email account I had signed on to, then took a deep breath. Someone knew about Christy and had sent an email to my male email account.

Christy,
Don’t you just love the new spring fashions? The sundresses are to just die for! Hope to see you in one soon.

I re-read it five times, trying to believe that it was just a mistake. Someone getting the wrong email address… yeah, that was what had happened. I quickly deleted it and made sure my cache was empty.

I’m a nerd. I like being a nerd. I never had any other ambition. I’m also a boy. I like being a boy. I never had any other ambition.

“I’m not saying you don’t have good family members. Shit, you’re in it, so of course it does. But as a family, it’s fucked up. Know what I’m saying? It’s like, they don’t know the meaning of the word. What family’s supposed to be all about.”

“Annnnnnnnd that’s £500, please,” Lil says with a smug grin, which widens as I sigh and hand her the pretend pink banknote. “Much obliged, Miss Williams!”

“Do NOT stuff that one down your bra, as I’m going to take it from you very soon!” Lydia teases, before rolling the dice and continuing our game of ‘Angels Monopoly.’

Today is day nine of our ‘incarceration’ in the Lincolnshire mansion, and the restlessness is already starting to kick in — hence why many of us have already resorted to Monopoly.

It was my twenty-eighth birthday, although I had to work, I was still looking forward to being with my wife tonight to celebrate it. It was a normal work day until the email late that afternoon.

Recently we have been getting a lot of them, the company trying to improve the working conditions of its employees. All of this because they were losing employees right and left, fifteen employees leaving just last month.

I had taken the advice of a co-worker and made an appointment at a new salon in town for a haircut. My old male barber had retired, looking for other barbers in the yellow pages proved to be an effort in futility.

Realistically, I don’t think old time barbers even exist anymore. I had almost decided to settle on one of the chains for their special, even at $ 12.88 the price seemed ridiculous when I used to get a haircut for seven dollars at my old barbers. I know, I sound like a born cheap stake.

Others might see them as simple, working-class folks, but they had been the powers of my very small world when I was growing up. And here they were, assembled together, looking for all the world like some kind of family court.

“So now you want to show me mercy? The old woman who wouldn’t lift a finger to save you?” She laughed, soft and dry. “Try again.”