“Ah- shit, sorry…” Luke mumbled as he entered the college’s toilet block to find his twin standing at a urinal fastening his zipper.

“S’okay,” Lucas mumbled, not looking at Luke as the young trans man limped toward one of the cubicles. Both twins grimaced as the encounter ended, not least because it was the most words they’d exchanged with each other for weeks.

In the two months since their return to university, Luke and Lucas had focused hard on their studies — both because of the impending end-of-year and to try to distract themselves from their personal issues. Luke’s injury and Lucas’s change had meant that they’d stayed away from the extracurricular activities — football and street dance respectively — that they’d loved so much during their first year and a half at university. While Covid restrictions had been significantly eased from where they were twelve months earlier, neither twin had been in a mood to make more friends and had barely even hung out with the ones they already had.

While Luke had initially been angry by his twin’s detransitioning, he’d gradually, through his meetings with Doctor Adams and talks with other members of the LGBT society, come to accept that he could no more influence Lucas's life than Lucas could influence his. What had upset Luke the most, though, was the feeling that Lucy — or rather, Lucas — couldn’t come to him with their problems. Luke had reasoned that Lucas might not have wanted to add to his burdens while his leg healed, but he’d hoped that his twin knew that if Lucas had really needed him, nothing, not even a broken leg, would've stopped Luke from doing everything he could to help. As time went on, Luke had hoped that Lucas would open up to him more about his feelings — however, much to Luke’s frustration, the opposite had happened. In all the time they’d been alive, Luke had never felt more distant from his twin, and he wished more than anything that he knew why.

Lucas let out a sigh as he returned to his room and flopped down on his bed. It had been two months since he’d stopped identifying as ‘Lucy,’ and while he’d hoped that detransitioning would help resolve the conflict in his mind, if anything, the opposite had happened — and his accidental run-in with his brother only made him feel more conflicted.

Upon his return to university, Lucas’s friends had accepted him just as easily as they’d accepted ‘Lucy,’ and had accepted his reasons for detransitioning and that he needed to be left alone for a while to work out [hat he wanted to do next. The problem Luke had was that he didn’t know what he wanted to do next, or even who he wanted to be.

For the first two weeks since his detransition, Lucas had found life a lot easier. He didn’t need to worry about his appearance as much, didn’t bother with make-up, styling his still-long hair (that he swore to himself he would get cut at the end of the school year), picking out an outfit or even shaving most days. He stopped taking oestrogen and allowed his ‘natural’ body chemistry to reassert itself, and disguised the ‘shape’ of his chest with loose fitting clothing. Lucas even stopped grooming his body hair, hoping that as his body returned to being male, his mind would follow. However, the more time passed, the more ‘lost’ Lucas felt. He couldn’t talk to Gavin and his friends as he felt he had nothing in common with them. He couldn’t hang around with Priya and the dance society, as he was no longer ‘one of the girls.’ With the end of the school year looming, Susie was just as busy as he was, and Lucas didn’t dare speak to Luke as he couldn’t face the shame of letting his brother down.

‘What we do, we do together, always’ had been Luke and Lucas’s — or rather, Luke and Lucy’s — personal mantra ever since they started transitioning. And yet, while Luke had made every effort to immerse himself in his new masculine lifestyle, ‘Lucy’ always felt that she stuck out like a sore thumb. ‘She’ was several inches taller than ‘her’ friends, had a masculine face, broad shoulders and a voice that — as hard as ‘she’ tried — never sounded as feminine as any of ‘her’ friends. As much as ‘she’ wanted to, ‘Lucy’ couldn’t keep up with Luke, simply couldn’t transition together with her brother. ‘Lucas’ felt depressed, guilty even at letting his brother down, and had hoped that by becoming his brother once again, he’d be able to help him in ways that ‘Lucy’ never could. However, as time went on, Lucas felt that he couldn’t even look at his brother, such was his feelings of shame at letting him down — and if anything, after detransitioning, he found himself more in need of help than he was before, such was his uncertainty about his own identity.

“Luce- umm, Lucas?” The young man heard a knock from his door and the voice of his oldest friend call. “You in there? You busy?”

“Umm, hey Susie,” Lucas replied in a voice barely louder than a mumble. “Umm, yes and no, in that order.”

“Well, me and Phoebe are about to hit the library,” Susie said. “Wanted to know if ya wanted in?”

“Ah — no ta,” Lucas replied. “Got a... umm, got my appointment with my counsellor.”

“Oh, I- I didn’t, like, realise that you still had those….” Susie said hesitantly.

“Yep,” Lucas whispered, before sighing. “Ya can — ya can come in, Susie, the door’s not locked.” Lucas smiled sadly as the flame-haired girl let herself into his room and sat down at his desk, while Lucas turned his head away to try to disguise the tears in his eyes.

“Are — are you okay, Luce- Lucas?” Susie asked.

“…I dunno,” Lucas sighed, brushing his hair out of his face as he sat up to face his friend. “Everything’s just — ugh, I dunno. Ever since Easter... yeah.”

“Ever since Easter… you’ve lost the ability to speak in complete sentences?” Susie asked, smiling sympathetically as her friend frowned. “I- I’m sorry, Lucas, but I — I want to help, you know? You and your brother are my oldest friends, after all, and I hate to see the both of you like this.”

“By ‘this’ do you mean ‘as nature intended?’ ” Lucas asked.

“By ‘this’ I mean barely talking to anyone, especially each other,” Susie replied. “I- I know this won’t change overnight, but I — I want to feel like I’m helping you in some way, ya know?”

“I — I appreciate it, really,” Lucas sighed. “But giving me space would be the most helpful thing right now. God knows I don’t want to be a burden to you as well….”

“You’re hardly ‘being a burden,’ ” Susie whispered. “And all of us have had nothing but ‘space’ for the last fifteen months. But if — if that’s what you want, I’ll go, I know when I’m not wanted, heh.”

“No, Suse, I — ugh, I’m sorry,” Lucas sighed, barely suppressing his tears. “Really, it’s not that I DON’T want to talk to yas, it’s just — ugh. I doubt I’m fun company right now, heh.”

“I’d be a pretty shitty friend if I used that as an excuse to not talk to you, wouldn’t I?” Susie asked.

“Yeah, well, I’m using it as an excuse to shut everyone out, so if the cap fits….” Lucas sighed.

“Oh come on, you’re not a shitty friend and you never were,” Susie said. “Yeah, what happened to you sucks, but they caught the guy quickly, didn’t they? And it’s not something ya can get over in a day. You’re not letting anyone down by, you know, keeping to yourself. But we kinda feel, like, we’d be letting you down if we didn’t at least check in once in a while.”

“But I am letting people down by not wearing a skirt or make-up to class?” Lucas asked.

“Umm, look who you’re talking to?” Susie retorted. “Can’t even remember the last time I wore a skirt or make-up. But to answer what you’re REALLY asking, no, you’re not letting anyone down by detransing either.”

“Except Luke?” Lucas asked.

“I can’t speak for him,” Susie replied with a shrug. “But I’d be willing to bet that he’d say if you are letting one person down, it’d be yourself. Don’t forget that I knew both of yas before you were even ‘Lucy’ or ‘Luke.’ I know how much becoming Lucy made you ‘glow.’ Ya weren’t just, like ‘reflecting Luke’s light,’ either.”

“If you say so,” Lucas sighed.

“Well, either way, me and Phoebs are gonna head to the bar after the library,” Susie said. “Priya and Claudia said they’d be there as well.”

“Thanks, I- I’ll think about it,” Lucas said as his friend smiled sympathetically again.

“I’ll ask Gav and Kieran to come too, in case you’re worried about being the only guy there,” Susie said. “It’s hardly a bother to send a text, right?”

“Thanks,” Lucas whispered. “What — what about — umm…”

“…I think you’d better be the one to text him,” Susie whispered. “I’ll let you get to your counsellor’s call now. Hope I see you later, Lucas.”

“Thanks,” Lucas whispered, smiling as his friend gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze before leaving him alone in his room.

Lucas picked up his phone and pondered what Susie had said, and wondering whether or not he should invite his brother to the gathering in the bar that evening. On the one hand, it would be an overdue olive branch, but on the other hand, a crowded bar patio — and it would be crowded, even with Covid restrictions still in place — was hardly the time or the place to talk through their problems.

Before he could consider his dilemma further, though, Lucas’s phone beeped at him to remind him it was time for his weekly call with his counsellor. In a break from the norm Dr Adams had requested that Lucas speak with her over a video call, so Lucas set up his laptop and signed into Zoom, where the face of his counsellor soon greeted him.

“Good afternoon, Lucas,” Dr Adams said with a warm smile. “Did you have a good day today at university?”

“It was okay, thanks,” Lucas replied. “Still cramming for the end of year.”

“Yes, I remember those times well,” Dr Adams chuckled. “Have you been able to find time for yourself, though?”

“I’ve had nothing but time to myself when I’ve not been in class,” Lucas replied with a tired snort. “Kinda feel like I’m sort-of, like, ‘on hold’ waiting for the end of the year. And yes, I have been filling in my emotion diary. When I’ve had strong emotions either way, anyway. Most of the time I just — I dunno. It kinda feels like I’m waiting for something to happen, but I don’t know what I’m waiting for, or when I can expect it, if that makes sense?”

“It makes a lot of sense,” Dr Adams replied. “Your body is changing again, and even though it’s going back to the way it was before, it’s still a change and it’s still going to feel unusual until you can establish a new ‘equilibrium.’ ”

“Yeah,” Lucas sighed. “I do get that, I mean, I AM studying chemistry, it’s just — it’s more than just chemistry. I need to figure out who I am, who ‘Lucas’ is. I knew who ‘old Luke’ was, and I knew for the most part who ‘Lucy’ was. But I don’t know where ‘Lucas’ fits in, or even if he — if I fit in anywhere.”

“You mean with relation to your family and friends?” Dr Adams.

“Well — yeah,” Lucas replied.

“Are you still not speaking to Luke?” Dr Adams asked gently.

“…It’s like I don’t know how to,” Lucas replied with a sad sigh. “I mean, I get that he doesn’t know me anymore, but it’s like I don’t know him either. I’m so used to speaking to him man to woman, or even woman to man. But man to man? It just — it just feels alien, somehow.”

“It’s perfectly understandable,” Dr Adams said. “Transitioning and detransitioning both change the dynamic of your relationships with other people, and it will take time to establish the ‘new normal’ — especially with some social restrictions still in place. The reason I wanted to talk with you face to face today is because I want to invite someone onto the call, if that’s okay with you? He’s not been told anything about you other than that you’re detransitioning and you’re having difficulty. If you don’t want to talk to him, just let me know and I’ll let him go, he’ll understand.”

“…Can’t hurt to talk to him, at least,” Lucas said with a shrug.

“Okay,” Dr Adams whispered. “I’ll invite him in now.” Lucas bit his lip as a second face appeared on his screen — that of a young man around the same age as him, with short, curly light brown hair, pale skin and light freckles. The newcomer smiled as Lucas waved nervously, both waiting for the counsellor to make the introduction.

“Aaron, thank you for joining us today,” Dr Adams said. “If you two would like to introduce yourselves, please.” Lucas nodded and took a deep breath.

“Umm, hi, I- I’m Lucas, Lucas Miller,” the nervous young man said. “I’m twenty, I’m studying chemistry up here in Durham, you can probably guess where I’m from by my accent, heh. I… yeah, heh. Obviously you know why I’m here, I was born male but started transitioning to female when I started uni in September ’19, and I- I started detransitioning a couple of months ago.” And that’s all you need to know for now, Lucas thought to himself as he sized up the newcomer.

“It’s nice to meet you, Lucas,” Aaron said in a distinctive, yet soft Lancashire accent before taking a deep breath. “Guess it’s my turn now then, heh. My name’s Aaron Welbourn, I’m 23 years old and I live in Blackpool, but between January 2018 and June 2020 I was known as ‘Ariana.’ ”

“Oh- umm, okay,” Lucas said, taken aback by the young man’s admission, even though he had suspected it might be the case by his presence on the call.

“Basically,” Aaron continued, “all throughout my childhood I was obsessed with, well, girls. As in, like, I always wondered ‘why can’t I be a girl?’ Everything about femininity seemed so much better, and not just the physical things like the clothes and the hair, but the friendships, the — the body language even, if that makes sense. At primary school I had lots of female friends, but at secondary school that changed, most of my ‘friends’ were male — and frankly, were absolute dicks, but that’s a story for another time — and I just felt myself getting more and more depressed. I even spoke to counsellors about it who reassured me it was just puberty, but- yeah. It was when I was about fourteen that I started to imagine myself as one of the girls, and things just — just clicked. By the time I started uni I’d become much more feminine in my appearance — long hair, androgynous clothes, sometimes I even wore make-up or nail polish. I started hanging out exclusively with girls, who accepted me as their ‘gay best friend’ even though I never really had much of a love life physically or romantically. Eventually, by the time my second year started, I was even dressing like a woman, and I thought to myself ‘why not make it full time?’ ”

“So you — you started transitioning?” Lucas asked.

“Yep,” Aaron replied. “Hormones and everything. At first it was exciting, I mean, I was finally one of the girls, like I’d always dreamed of being. But as time went on, I never felt, well, ‘complete,’ like there was always something ‘off.’ And as the hormones began to take hold, even though my body was changing, I kinda felt — well, less and less like myself. I kept telling myself ‘this is what you always wanted, this is a change for the better.’ My friends — all girls, obviously — did everything they could to make me feel included. We went on spa days, girls’ nights out, the lot. But the more time went on, the ‘weirder’ I felt. Then lockdown happened, and I had weeks at a time stuck by myself. I had no one to talk to but the mirror, and I just — just kept not recognising the face that looked back at me. Finally, after weeks, I just — I just stopped. I put ‘Ariana’ to one side, I boxed up my — well, ‘Ariana’s — clothes and make-up, cut my hair, and — and things started to make sense again. I dunno if any of THIS is making any sense, though.”

“More than you might think,” Lucas whispered.

“Of course, by then, the damage was done,” Aaron sighed. “You can’t tell, fortunately, but I’m wearing a chest binder under here until I can get reduction surgery. I’m now sterile as well — not that I’m desperate to have kids, but I’d like at least to have had that option.”

“So you — umm, do you regret transitioning?” Lucas asked.

“Yeah,” Aaron replied bluntly. “But I- I guess I kinda had to, in order to know that it wasn’t for me. Like, if I hadn’t, I’d still now be thinking about it even today. And in the end, it was my choice to transition. Sure, my counsellor enabled me, wrote the prescriptions for the oestrogen and so forth, but I was the one who put them in my mouth. I don’t get these people who say ‘the counsellors should have challenged me more,’ like, it’s easy to say that in hindsight, but take some fucking responsibility for your choices, for God’s sake. Maybe I’d think differently if I’d transitioned when I was a child, but — I dunno. Like I said, hindsight is easy. Dunno if this is helping, though….”

“A- a little,” Lucas said. “Mostly- I dunno how much Dr Adams told you about my circumstances, like, but I — when I transitioned, I did so at the same time as my brother — my twin brother. I mean, born my sister, but now my brother. We- we transitioned together. Heh, we did everything together, we’re even on the same course here.”

“Okay,” Aaron said with a nod. “Are they — are they still transitioning? I didn’t want to say ‘he’ and assume wrongly, if you get what I mean.”

“Yeah,” Lucas replied. “He always... I dunno. He always seemed much more ‘committed’ to it than I did, I dunno.”

“Did you feel like — like they pressured you, then?” Aaron asked.

“I... not consciously, he wouldn’t,” Lucas replied. “But sometimes, I — ugh. We have a saying, like, ‘whatever we do, we do together, always.’ And Luke’s never not been there for me, so- yeah. Not so much him pressuring me as me pressuring myself on his behalf, really.”

“I think I understand,” Aaron said softly.

“And ‘cause we’re twins and on the same course, Covid rules didn’t apply to us,” Lucas continued. “So we hung out together all the time, so — yeah.”

“Trust me, it’ll be a big adjustment for everyone,” Aaron said with a sad sigh. “Though that — that’s somewhere I — I can’t really advise on, though.”

“That’s okay, you’ve definitely helped a lot,” Lucas said with a smile. “I’ve, like, felt alone for weeks and this — this really has made things a lot better, thanks.”

“You definitely don’t need to feel alone, ever,” Aaron reassured his new friend. “I’ll put my Facebook details in the side chat, after the meeting, feel free to hit me up anytime.”

“Thanks,” Lucas whispered, smiling as Aaron waved and left the chat.

“I hope that was of some help, someone in a similar situation to yours,” Dr Adams said softly.

“Definitely, thanks,” Lucas replied. “And I do intend to take him up on his offer.”

“I’m glad,” Dr Adams said. “Though- and I don’t mean anything by this, but- I hope you don’t ‘use’ him as a replacement for your — well, ‘closer’ friends, both in a geographical sense and the other meaning of ‘closer.’ ” Lucas paused as he remembered his earlier talk with Susie, and her declaration of unconditional friendship toward him — to him, not to Lucy, not to the Luke that he was, not even to Lucas, but to him — regardless of identity or gender. She and Phoebe wanted to hang out with him, regardless of his detransition, regardless even of his depression. After all, Lucas mused to himself with a smile, regardless of whether you’re trans or cis, you can never have too many friends.

Lucas and his counsellor continued to speak for the next 45 minutes, covering a myriad of topics and leaving Lucas more satisfied than he was at the beginning of the call, but still with a feeling of unease about his future. Once the call was over, Lucas sat back in his chair to take a deep breath, but before closing down Zoom he scrolled back to where Aaron had left his social media details, clicking onto his Facebook page and immediately adding him as a friend.

Before doing anything else, Lucas opened Aaron’s photos and looked back over the young man’s history. While there was, unsurprisingly, a lack of photos from periods of lockdown, Lucas frowned with confusion when he discovered no photos from 2018 or 2019 either. He didn’t know what he expected to discover or learn from photos of ‘Ariana,’ but he wasn’t expecting them to be non-existent — after all, there were still photos of ‘Lucy’ on his own Facebook page, and while they were images of his past, he didn’t feel resentful of them — after all, many of his memories of being ‘Lucy’ were positive ones.

Before Lucas could ponder any further, though, his laptop pinged to inform him of a new incoming message, and it was from his newest friend.

‘Hey Lucas!’ Aaron typed with a ‘smiling’ emoji. ‘Thanks for the add, hope you had a good session with your counsellor.’

‘Yeah, it was good thanks,’ Lucas replied, mirroring the ‘smiling’ emoji. ‘Talked about a lot of stuff, but I think meeting you was the highlight.’

‘Thanks,’ Aaron typed with a ‘blushing’ emoji.

‘Didn’t mean it like THAT,’ Lucas typed, blushing himself as Aaron replied with a ‘giggling’ emoji.

‘It’s okay, I figured,’ Aaron typed. ‘And I hope you don’t mind, but I was checking out a few of your photos, I’m surprised to see you still have a lot of your ‘former self’ up. Have you just not got round to deleting them or aren’t you bothered by them?’

‘Haven’t really decided yet what I’m going to do with them,’ Lucas replied half-truthfully — he already knew deep down that he could never bring himself to delete them. ‘I was thinking the same thing about your page, but opposite, if you get what I mean?’

‘Yep,’ Aaron replied. ‘I wanted to make a fresh start, so I made sure all traces of ‘Ariana’ were gone from my page. There are probably a few photos still floating around the interweb somewhere, but whatever, I’m not going to look at them again.’

‘Me either,’ Lucas replied with a ‘smiling’ emoji. ‘Though I don’t mind you looking at ‘Lucy.’ ’

‘Thanks,’ Aaron typed. ‘I’m more interested in ‘Lucas’ than ‘Lucy’ though. And no, I don’t mean it like THAT. I am only ‘interested’ interested in guys, but I’m not looking right now, not that Covid would’ve allowed me to ‘look’ anyway.’

‘Same,’ Lucas typed. ‘About ‘not looking,’ anyway. Not sure I even HAVE an ‘interest’ lol.’

‘Nothing wrong with being ace,’ Aaron typed. ‘Leaves more for the rest of us lol. And this might sound weird, but I actually prefer dating gay guys to straight guys anyway.’

‘I suppose I can see how there might be a difference,’ Lucas typed.

‘More than you’d think,’ Aaron replied. ‘And more than just one of those groups being put off if you rock up to a date wearing a cocktail dress, stockings and Jimmy Choos.’ Lucas bit his lip as he couldn’t help but feel a tingle pass through his body at the mention of the outfit, but more of how he'd look in it rather than his new friend.

‘Will definitely have to take your word for that one,’ Lucas typed, laughing at the ‘blushing’ emoji from his new friend.

‘I’m probably oversharing, sorry,’ Aaron typed as Lucas paused to consider the wording of his next question, the mental image of the outfit still in his mind.

‘Sorry if this is a personal question,’ Lucas typed, ‘and feel free to not answer, but do you ever still get the desire to wear a dress sometimes? It’s just with you mentioning it and all.’

‘I don’t mind you asking,’ Aaron replied with a ‘shrugging’ emoji. ‘And to be honest I don’t think that feeling ever goes away fully — God knows there are times I’m scrolling Facebook or Instagram, I see an outfit and just think ‘yes.’ I’ve never ‘indulged,’ though. I don’t need that confusion in my life right now. Are you still getting those ‘thoughts?’ It’s okay if you are, and if you ‘indulge’ too.’

‘I don’t really know,’ Lucas replied. ‘Kinda feel like I’m in some kind of genderless limbo right now to be honest.’

‘That’s understandable,’ Aaron typed. ‘Believe me when I say that things WILL get easier no matter which ‘side’ you choose.’

‘Thanks,’ Lucas typed with a ‘smiling’ emoji.

‘I’d love to stay and chat more,’ Aaron typed, ‘but I’ve arranged to go out with a couple of friends tonight, take advantage of pubs reopening, that sort of thing.’

‘Yeah, a couple of my friends have invited me down to the bar as well,’ Lucas replied.

‘!?!?!? Then what are you still doing talking to me?’ Aaron asked with a ‘winking’ emoji. ‘You’re twenty and in uni, go out and have some fun!’

‘Thanks,’ Lucas typed with a ‘smiling’ emoji.

‘Talk again soon!’ Aaron typed, before leaving the conversation and leaving Lucas with a smile on his face. He’d only known his new friend for less than two hours, but he’d already shown Lucas more acceptance and even love than he could ever have hoped for. More love and acceptance even than some members of his so-called ‘family’ had ever shown him. More acceptance even than his own twin had shown him….

Lucas wiped a tear from his eye and tried to put out of his head any negative thoughts about Luke as he pulled on a plain, comfortable t-shirt and headed out of his room, following his new friend’s advice and rendezvousing with Susie and Phoebe outside the bar.

“Hey Lucas!” Phoebe said with a grin as the young man sat down opposite her and Susie. “Did you have a good — well, productive, at least, meeting with your counsellor?”

“Aye, it was good, thanks,” Lucas replied with a smile. “Just the three of us tonight, then? Umm, no offence intended, like, but-“

“None taken,” Susie interrupted with a giggle. “Priya and Claudia are busy studying for end of years, Gav said he needs to rest up a bit but will be down later, and we’ll definitely see him ar the LGBT society meeting if he doesn't meet us here. Kieran’s said he needs a bit of ‘me time,’ whatever that means, and Luke — umm, I’ve not heard from him, so he’s probably — probably busy, I dunno.”

“Probably got his own counsellor’s meeting,” Lucas said with a shrug.

“No, I think he said that was yesterday?” Phoebe retorted, biting her lip as a sad frown fell over Lucas’s face.

“Yeah, it makes sense you’d know that and I wouldn’t,” Lucas sighed. “Still, doesn’t mean we can’t kick back and relax and have fun, does it?”

“Hell no it doesn’t!” Susie giggled. “And I think it’s also your round?”

“…Hint taken,” Lucas chuckled as he rose from the seat he’d only just sat in, returning a short time later with three pints of cool, refreshing lager.

“To summer!” Phoebe toasted with a giggle. “And FINALLY being able to get back home to see my folks.”

“Cheers to that!” Lucas said, smiling as he urged himself to at least try to relax with his friends. All the while, though, he couldn’t stop wondering what his brother was doing — in particular, wondering whether or not his brother was thinking about him, especially after their unexpected encounter earlier that afternoon.

As his twin relaxed in the bar, though, Luke was sat in the clubhouse of the university’s football team, though even with his leg nearly healed, he wasn't entertaining any thoughts of being able to actually play the sport he loved. Nonetheless, he was happy to be back in the company of his teammates — his friends, a group of men into which he felt he could fit seamlessly. Something which, Luke noted, couldn't be said about his family, which only made him more grateful for the distraction his team-mates provided — even if Luke found the topic of conversation somewhat predictable.

“…But why Wrexham, of all teams?” James Thorn mused out loud as he, Luke and four other members of the team relaxed and drank beer in the spacious lounge area of the clubhouse.

“Thorny, mate, it’s been months, leave it,” one of Luke’s teammates, a young man named Clark, teased his captain. “And face facts: Deadpool was never gonna buy Lincoln and you know it.”

“Someone will, one of these days,” Thorny said confidently, smirking despite his team-mates’ laughter before turning to Luke. “Any chance your lot could send one of those Saudi oil barons our way?”

“Yeah… doubt they’re gonna listen to me THAT much,” Luke replied with a chuckle, before rolling his eyes as he heard a familiar derisive snort of laughter from the next table. “Anyway… anyone heading to London for the Euros finals? Assuming England even make it to the semis, anyway?”

“Wish I could afford it,” Shaun — another of Luke’s teammates — replied. “My family actually live just a few tube stops from the stadium, and we tried to get tickets for the Scotland game, but even they were too pricy.”

“It’d be easily £100 more for me with train fares, and then there’s hotels too,” Luke sighed. “Definitely want to get back to St James’s Park next season though.”

“Assuming the Saudis will let you in, anyway,” the unmistakable voice of James Barnes interrupted, laughing to himself even as the six young men at the table all snorted with disgust, Luke more than anyone, before a determined scowl spread across his face as a retort sprang to his mind.

“Aww, there I was thinking I was the only target of your bigotry,” Luke said in a mock hurt tone. “Turns out you’re racist as well, sad.”

“I’m not ‘racist,’ ” Barnes sneered. “’Muslim’ isn’t a race! And why would you stick up for them anyway? Muslims want people like you dead!”

“I don’t,” called a voice from across the clubhouse, a voice belonging to a first-year student who Luke had had little contact with but who had always been friendly toward him.

“Shut up, Ali,” Barnes spat, briefly turning his attention back toward Luke before the dark-skinned teenager shouted back at him.

“Nah, you shut up!” The first-year student shouted, standing up and standing face to face with Barnes. “Don’t talk shit about stuff you don’t know shit about!”

“Ibrahim,” Thorny said quietly in a vain attempt to defuse the situation.

“Okay, sure,” Barnes sneered. “So you’re okay being on the same team as HER?” Luke bit his lip as his regular tormentor gestured toward him, but kept his cool, confident that his team-mates would have his back — confidence that would quickly be rewarded.

“I’d rather play with HIM than with you,” Ibrahim spat.

“So would I,” another member of the team said, standing to show his solidarity with Luke.

“Me too,” another team member said, rising to his feet. Within seconds, the entire clubhouse had risen to their feet — though even this gesture did little to sway Barnes.

“What is this?” Barnes snorted angrily. “ ‘Woke Wusses FC’ or something?”

“Wusses?” Luke sneered, barely able to contain his laughter. “Coming from the so-called ‘man’ who spends all of his time laughing at minorities to try to make himself feel less inadequate? Or is it the man who broke the leg of a smaller guy to try to prove that he isn’t full of shit?”

“Maybe you should say that to my face and I’ll see what else I break?” Barnes said, looming over the trans man before their team’s captain physically separated the two of them.

“Enough!” Thorny snapped. “We’re meant to be a team here! But it’s obvious that’s never gonna happen, not while everyone’s at each other’s throats, so I’m going to have to make a decision here.” Luke bit his lip as Barnes stared smugly down at him. “Barnes — you’re off the team. You’re gone. Get out of here and don’t come back.”

“Oh- what, really?” Barnes sneered. “You’re really going to throw away your best player for a girl who can’t even run anymore?”

“No, I’m going to throw out an arsehole who doesn’t know what the word ‘team’ even means,” Thorny retorted. “You call yourself ‘The Winger Soldier,’ as far as I’m concerned all you are is ‘The Whiner Soldier’. So grab your shit and get the fuck out of here.”

“Oh, please,” Barnes spat. “Seriously, who’d rather be on a team of woke losers than on a winners’ team with me?” Barnes’s smug smile faded as one by one, all the members of the team raised their hands and stared at him accusingly. “…Whatever. Enjoy your rainbow parade or whatever.” Barnes sneered and shook his head at his former teammates, before sighing and leaving the clubhouse for the final time.

“Ugh,” Luke grunted as the door slammed behind his nemesis, before shivering and flopping back down into his seat. “Ugh, I- I’m sorry, Thorny….”

“No, don’t — don’t apologise, mate,” Thorny said, sitting down next to Luke and placing a comforting hand on his back. “Barnes has had that coming for months. And given that he all but confessed to deliberately breaking your leg, he’ll be lucky if he stays in the uni, let alone the team.”

“You might even have a case against him for assault,” Clark said.

“Yeah, that’s just what I need, another day in court going after another idiot who attacked me,” Luke sighed. “No, I- ugh. I dunno. But I do know I owe everyone in here a pint, heh.”

“You don’t need to feel obliged to do that,” Thorny said reassuringly.

“Can I at least buy you a pint, Ibrahim?” Luke asked, earning a chuckle from the dark-skinned young man.

“…Okay, but Pepsi only,” Ibrahim replied with a chuckle as he gave Luke a ‘bro handshake.’ “You sticking around tonight for the film?”

“Normally I’d love to, but I- I kinda have the LGBT society meeting tonight too, in about half an hour,” Luke replied with an awkward grimace.

“Fair enough,” Ibrahim replied with a shrug.

“Is there — is there anyone you can text?” Thorny asked hesitantly. “Just to make sure you’ll get there safely, I mean.”

“…I don’t need an escort, if that’s what you’re implying,” Luke replied. “What kind of man would I be if I need my hand holding everywhere?”

“One who accepts the help of friends?” Thorny replied. “There’s nothing shameful or unmanly about that.

“…If you say so,” Luke sighed with a weary smile. “And thanks.”

“Hey, we’re a team,” Thorny said with a shrug. “We look out for each other ‘cause we’re friends. We’re bros, even.”

“Thanks,” Luke said with a smile. “I can actually text a friend who’s going to the meeting though, so you needn’t put yourself out.”

“Okay, but for future reference I won’t mind,” Thorny said. “And speaking of the meeting, is your sis- is, umm, your twin going to be at the meeting?” Luke paused as he considered his answer to his friend’s question — as well as the fact that even several weeks on, Luke still had difficulty thinking of his twin as his brother rather than his sister.

Luke felt a pang of guilt grip him as he was forced to admit to himself that he had difficulty thinking of ‘Lucas’ at all….

“Thanks for coming with me,” Lucas said as he and Phoebe took their seats at the rear of the meeting room, where the other members of the LGBT society were congregating. “Now that we’re allowed to bring guests, heh.”

“Sure, I don’t mind at all,” Phoebe replied with a chuckle. “I’ve always wanted to see what happens at these meetings anyway. Not — not that I’m implying that it’s, like, an orgy or anything, but-“

“I- I know what you mean,” Lucas said with a smile, though the smile faded when he saw his twin walk through the entrance.

“Hi Luke,” Lucas mumbled, not even looking up as his twin nodded in reply. “Hi Anthony.”

“Hi Luc- Lucas,” the baby-faced trans man replied, before following Luke to their seats on the opposite side of the room.

“…Luke’s still hanging out with Star Wars kid, then?” Phoebe asked.

“Kinda feel like I’ve been replaced,” Lucas mumbled, not looking up for fear of locking eyes with his brother.

“Kinda like how you now have Aaron to talk to?” Phoebe asked, grimacing as Lucas regarded her with an angry glare. “I- I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said-“

“No — no, ugh, you’re not wrong,” Lucas sighed. “Two ‘Ls’ confiding in two ‘As’, heh. Kinda feel like an ‘L’ right now, though.”

“But — why?” Phoebe asked. “You’re not ‘losing’ by detransitioning, are you? From what you’ve told me, you have to do it to know it wasn’t right for you, but now that you do know, by detransitioning you’re going forward, rather than backward, right?”

“…Pretty much,” Lucas replied, though the sight of his brother sat with their younger friend made Lucas less certain than ever about the path he was taking.

“Okay, if I could have everyone’s attention, please,” the voice of Livvy Straw, the society’s chair, called from the front of the room.

“Where are Gav and Kieran?” Lucas asked Phoebe, who replied with a simple shrug.

“Maybe Gavin’s still unwell,” Phoebe whispered. “No idea about Kieran, though.”

“That means you at the back as well,” Livvy teased, smirking as Lucas and Phoebe immediately stopped their conversation. “It’s great to see so many faces in the flesh today and not over a screen, but please remember to keep a sensible distance from each other AND keep your masks on throughout the meeting please, just because restrictions are starting to lift, it doesn’t mean Covid’s completely gone away just yet.”

The twins and their friends sat and listened to Livvy as she and the rest of the committee ran through the agenda for the meeting. Luke and Lucas paid particular attention in the hope of distracting themselves from their stresses, especially their stress with regard to each other. Their plans were thwarted at the end of the meeting, though, when Livvy closed the meeting and made a beeline straight for Lucas.

“Hey Lucas!” the blonde woman said in her distinctive Teesside accent. “I’m glad you could make it today, and thanks for coming, Phoebe, I’m sorry we couldn’t welcome allies into our meetings earlier, but I assure you that was all Covid’s fault.”

“It’s okay, I understand,” Phoebe said with a chuckle. “Just glad I can show my support now, heh.”

“We’re all glad,” Livvy said with a friendly smile behind her mask. “We need all the allies we can get, believe me. We also need all the committee members we can get, which is why I’m here to see you, Lucas!”

“Oh — umm, what?” Lucas asked, startled by his friend’s sudden request.

“I want to know if you’re interested in being on the committee next year,” Livvy clarified, looking expectantly at the young man as he froze, his jaw dropping open with shock.

“Oh, I- I, umm, I- I don’t know if you’ve, umm, noticed, but I- I’m not transitioning, like, anymore….” Lucas mumbled, his cheeks flushing more with every word he spoke.

“But you’re still here today, aren’t you?” Livvy retorted, smiling patiently as Lucas had no answer to her question. “Think it over, there’s no rush. You can contact me over the summer break by email at any time.”

“Are you staying on as chair for next year, then?” Phoebe asked as Lucas’s thoughts remained jumbled.

“I might,” Livvy replied. “Probably. I mean, it IS a lot of work, and I will have my Master’s to concentrate on, but I’ve really got a lot of satisfaction out of the work I’ve done this year helping young LGBT people.”

“And speaking of ‘satisfaction,’ ” Phoebe teased, giggling as Susie approached Livvy.

“Hilarious,” Susie snorted, both her and her girlfriend rolling their eyes at the American girl as they linked their fingers together.. “Livvy’s called on you for her recruitment drive, then?”

“Well — aye, umm, yeah…” Lucas replied, earning a look of concern from Susie.

“Lucas?” Susie asked. “Are you okay? Did you — did you have a tough call with your counsellor?”

“Hmm?” Lucas replied. “Oh- umm, no, I — umm, it was good, thanks. Actually got a lot of help, like.”

“Hence why I think you’d be a great addition to the committee,” Livvy insisted. “You’d be able to offer a lot of help and advice to people in a similar situation to you.”

“I still NEED a lot of help and advice,” Lucas retorted.

“That doesn’t mean that you can’t help others though, does it?” Livvy asked, nodding as Lucas shook his head and rolled his eyes. “In fact, there’s only one person who I think would be as good as you for the committee. Hey Luke!” Both twins froze as Livvy called to the young trans man and beckoned him toward where she and Lucas were stood. For a brief moment, the twins’ eyes met each other, before quickly averting their gaze, neither one ready to open up to the other quite yet.

“Liv,” Susie whispered quietly. “They — don’t do this, it’s not the time, they’re not ready yet.” Lucas felt his cheeks flush with shame as his friend spoke on his behalf, but he was forced to conclude that Susie was right — as much as he might have wanted to clear the air with Luke, he was far from mentally prepared to, and from the look in Luke’s eyes, that feeling was mutual.

“…I’ll call you later, if that’s okay?” Livvy called to Luke, who breathed a sigh of relief as he nodded and left the room with Anthony. “I — umm, you let, umm, you let me know if you’re interested in the committee, Lucas. O- okay?”

“Sure,” Lucas whispered, forcing a smile behind his mask before leaving the room with Phoebe, consciously taking a different exit to the one Luke had used mere moments earlier.

“…Honestly, I think you should take her up on the offer,” Phoebe said, not wavering as Lucas snorted derisively in response. “I’m serious, Lucas. Okay, so I don’t know shit about being LGBT, but I do know what it’s like to be an outsider, to be the only American voice in a university full of English voices. You made me feel like I’m not the ‘odd one out.’ You, Luke and Susie too.”

“Maybe we’re all ‘odd ones out,’ ” Lucas said.

“Then we can all be ‘odd ones out’ together,” Phoebe retorted. “Which is the whole point of societies like that one, isn’t it?”

“Well — aye, I guess it is,” Lucas conceded. “I’m not, like, a ‘leader,’ though.”

“Livvy didn’t ask you to run the society, just help with it and make the occasional decision,” Phoebe retorted again. “And — and where is it you’re going right now? What was it you said you wanted to do after the meeting?”

“…Go and check on Gav and Kieran, see how they’re doing,” Lucas replied. “O- okay, I’ll think about what Livvy said. Depending on how busy we are next year and what grade I get at the end of this year.”

“Sounds fair to me,” Phoebe said, giggling as she removed her mask and made her way back to her dorm, while Lucas headed toward his friends’ rooms.

Lucas reached Gavin’s dorm first, and before knocking on his door, mused on what both Phoebe and Livvy had said. In all the time he’d been at university, both as Lucas and as ‘Lucy,’ people had gone out of their way to make them feel welcome. From Jerome and Rick during Freshers’ Week, to Priya, Claudia and Phoebe at dance society, to Gavin, Kieran and Even Luke’s teammates on the football team, everyone — with only very few exceptions — had accepted Lucas with open arms, with friendship and had not hesitated to accept ‘Lucy’ as one of the girls.

However, the reverse had also been true. Lucas — or rather, ‘Lucy’ — had been quick to accept their new friends into their life. They’d made an effort in dance society and always helped out at the social events the LGBT society had hosted before Covid. They’d made Anthony and all of the other freshers feel welcome in the LGBT society the previous September despite the restrictions imposed on them by the virus. And they always, always made time for their friends when they needed them. Even close friends like Susie — and especially for the most important person in Lucas's life, his twin.

‘Everything we do, we do together. Always.’ That had been the motto the twins had lived their lives by. And yet, as hard as he’d tried, Lucas found that he couldn’t live up to that promise. He’d always felt that Luke had been more committed to transitioning, more certain of himself than Lucas — or rather, ‘Lucy’ — had been. And yet, Lucas had never voiced those concerns to his twin. He’d been so focussed on helping Luke, especially after his injury, that he’d never considered his own needs. Like Livvy had said, having needs of one’s own doesn’t prevent a person from helping others, and making time for others doesn’t invalidate a person’s own needs. Lucas just wished he’d learned that lesson two months earlier….

“Gav?” Lucas asked as he knocked on his friend’s door. “You in there? You okay? We missed you at the meeting tonight.”

“Lucas? That you?” Gavin asked in a tired voice. “Door’s open, come on in if you’re masked.”

“Thanks,” Lucas said, smiling as he redonned his mask and slowly opened the door, sighing at the sight of the dark-haired young man sprawled motionless on his bed. “Are you — do you need any help?”

“I wouldn’t mind you making the end of year coming a bit quicker,” Gavin moaned. “I- I’ll be fine. It’s just stress, it makes everything flare up…. How — how are you doing, anyway?”

“Me? I’m fine,” Lucas lied, trying not to blush as his friend regarded him with an unamused frown.

“Sure,” Gavin snorted.

“Why are you saying it like that?” Lucas asked indignantly. “I am, honestly. I had my meeting with my counsellor before coming here and it helped a lot. I got a new — umm, a new ‘resource’ that I’m, like, eager to, well, ‘make use of.’ ” Lucas bit his lip as he finished speaking — having only just arrived at Gavin’s dorm, the last thing he wanted to do was tell his friend that he was brushing him off to go and talk to another friend.

“…Okay, cryptic,” Gavin said with a tired chuckle. “And if you want to convince yourself that you’re okay, be my guest, but we both know you’ve been struggling ever since that day on the Metro.”

“Well — yes, okay, I’m ‘struggling,’ ” Lucas conceded. “But I am getting better, honestly.”

“If you say so,” Gavin shrugged. “But if you don’t mind me being blunt?”

“When have you ever not been blunt?” Lucas asked, earning a snigger from the raven-haired man.

“ ‘Lucas’ has never seemed as happy as ‘Lucy’ ever was,” Gavin said, making Lucas pause to contemplate his friend’s claim.

“…I will be,” Lucas insisted, though on the inside, he was far from certain, and he was forced to concede that Gavin was right. All of his happy memories from university — of which there were many, despite the impact of Covid — belonged to ‘Lucy’, not ‘Lucas.’ Memories of dance club, of LGBT society parties, of even hanging out with friends in the student bar all featured the girl that he had been rather than the boy he tried to convince himself that he was. Lucas tried to reassure himself that with Covid restrictions lifting, ‘he’ would be able to make just as happy memories in his remaining time at university, but he was forced to concede that in his brief time as ‘Lucas,’ he hadn’t come close to the life that ‘Lucy’ had enjoyed. For one thing, ‘Lucas’ had never hung out with his brother the way ‘Lucy’ had….

“Good,” Gavin said, though he was very obviously far from convinced by his friend. “I will be too, I just need to rest up a bit.”

“As long as you know that whatever you need, you only have to ask, okay?” Lucas asked.

“Only as long as YOU know that the reverse is also true,” Gavin said softly, smiling as he waved his friend goodbye. Lucas let out a sigh as he walked down the corridor — Gavin had given him a lot to think about, but he had no time in which to do so as less than a minute after leaving his room, he found himself stood outside Kieran’s dorm.

“Hey Kieran,” Lucas said as he knocked on his friend’s door while trying to clear his mind.

“Oh — uh, umm, Lucy — Lucas?” Kieran replied, sounding almost panicked by the interruption. “Now — umm, now isn’t the best of times….”

“Is — is everything alright?” Lucas asked, suddenly concerned for his friend. “We missed you at the society meeting, I just wanted to make sure that you were alright….”

“Er- yeah, I’m, like, okay….” Kieran replied, before letting out a long sigh. “It would have to be you, wouldn’t it? I guess as you already know….”

“Know what?” Lucas asked, frowning with confusion as he heard the door unlock. “Can I — can I come in?” After getting no answer, Lucas turned the handle and opened the door, gasping at the sight that greeted him.

Kieran was sat on his bed, awaiting Lucas, but in a way that Lucas had never seen his friend before. Instead of his usual jeans and university hoodie, Kieran was wearing a smart grey knee-length pencil dress, black tights and high-heeled black pumps. Lucas could also instantly tell from the shape of the dress that the young man was also wearing a padded bra and some form of shapewear to pull his waist in and push his hips out. His light brown hair has been brushed into a cute bob style, his face was immaculately made up, black polish covered his fingernails, and he’d even attached dainty gold chains around his neck and wrist. To Lucas, he was indistinguishable from any professional woman, but was still recognisably his friend — and yet all Lucas could think about was how the dress used to belong to him, and how he felt when he zipped himself into it for the first time.

“K- Kieran?” Lucas asked hesitantly. “Or — or ‘Kiera?’”

“…Either will do,” Kieran replied, softening his voice as Lucas sat down opposite him. “So… yeah. I mean, I DID tell you about this….”

“Well — yeah, but I- I didn’t expect you to look so — well… cute,” Lucas said, trying not to giggle as his friend blushed.

“Thanks,” Kieran mumbled as he straightened his tights.

“Though I wouldn’t wear THOSE in June, heh,” Lucas chuckled.

“It’s either black tights or hairy legs,” Kieran retorted. “The more layers the illusion has, the more real it feels.”

“So you — so you do see it, like, as an ‘illusion,’ then?” Lucas asked, biting his lip as his friend sighed.

“I- I know I’m just a ‘man in a dress,’ ” Kieran replied. “I mean, I like feeling feminine. I have done ever since I was a — heh. Ever since I was a boy. But I don’t really feel, you know, ‘properly’ female. But I figure — am I hurting anyone by being feminine in the safety of my own room? Am I hurting anyone by wearing these clothes? I get some people will call me a ‘fetishist’ or something like that, but even if I am, am I hurting anyone? Me wearing a dress doesn’t make ‘real’ women any less real. It doesn’t even make ‘real’ trans women any less real….”

“Whoa — slow down a bit,” Lucas said softly as Kieran appeared on the verge of tears. “Obviously I- I agree with everything you’re saying, but you — you’ve obviously thought about this, like, a lot….”

“Loads, especially in the last few months,” Kieran sighed. “And yes, I have thought about going full-time, like, ‘properly’ transitioning too. I mean, being stuck in my room the whole time with a whole wardrobe at my fingertips — I mean, I saw ‘So You Want to Be an Angel’ the same as you, I read Dina’s and Hayley’s blogs, so — yeah. But I figure, I’m happy with what I’ve got, you know? I’m happy being a gay man who occasionally gets girly.” And there is someone I know who you HAVE to meet, Lucas thought to himself as he remembered his newest friend. “There’s also the fact that these — these clothes aren’t mine, not really. They’re still yours, Lucas.”

“Oh, I- what?” Lucas stammered. “No, I- I gave them to you, remember?”

“As an extended loan until you wanted them back,” Kieran replied.

“Which I don’t,” Lucas said firmly. “I WON’T.” Probably won’t, Lucas was forced to concede to himself. “Especially not those tights, given how sweaty they’re going to end up being.”

“Oh, these I- I bought for myself,” Kieran said with a smile. “I’ve even worn them a few times under, like, my male clothing, heh. It’s surprising how comfortable and, well, comforting they can be.”

“Yeah, you- you don’t need to tell me, of all people,” Lucas reminded his friend, who blushed again.

“Ah, I guess not,” Kieran giggled. “It is nice to have someone to complain about bras to, though.”

“You — you do know you don’t HAVE to wear them, right?” Lucas asked, before pointing at the 'shapes' on his friend’s chest. “And I was going to ask: the internet?”

“Good guess,” Kieran giggled girlishly. “And yeah, I kinda — kinda DO have to wear them. Another layer to the illusion, after all.”

“There were some days I was counting down the seconds until I could take mine off,” Lucas mused, before shaking his head and smirking. “But, like you said, you’re not hurting anyone. Certainly not me, heh.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Kieran chuckled. “I- I was kinda worried, like, that when you actually saw me….”

“Honestly, you look way girlier than I ever did,” Lucas chuckled.

“I really, really don’t,” Kieran snorted. “You made it look effortless, I feel like I’m sprinting just to keep up.”

“Which I wouldn’t do in those heels,” Lucas teased. “Walking in them was bad enough, heh.”

“But still, you made it look natural,” Kieran said, biting his ruby-coloured lip as an awkward silence filled the room. “Umm, sorry if — sorry if I’m bringing back, like, bad memories….”

“Ah — no,” Lucas replied. “Honestly, you’re not.” Quite the opposite, in fact, Lucas thought to himself. “Anyway, umm, I- I’ve got cramming to do-”

“Ah — say no more,” Kieran interrupted with a smile. “I should probably start revising too, heh. Though if you ever need to talk, or anything, I’ll always be here. ‘Kiera’ too, heh.”

“Thanks,” Lucas said, giving his friend’s hand a gentle squeeze and smiling before leaving the dorm and making the walk back to his own room.

While Kieran — or rather, ‘Kiera’s — appearance had initially been shocking to Lucas, he had without hesitation accepted his friend both as 'Kieran' and as 'Kiera.'. Regardless of whether it was a hobby, or even a ‘fetish,’ instead of the lived reality that ‘Lucy’ had enjoyed for eighteen months, Kieran was harming no one by dressing the way he did — and as he sat down on his bed, Lucas quickly came to the conclusion that ‘Lucy’ had harmed no one either. Not his grandparents, not idiots like Barnes, not even people like the thug who had assaulted him — assaulted her — at Eastertime. ‘Lucy’ was even no harm to ‘Lucas’ — and Lucas found himself pondering whether the inverse was true….

With his thoughts still jumbled, Lucas booted up his laptop and signed into Facebook, sending off a chat request to his newest friend — who quickly responded.

‘Hey Lucas!’ Aaron typed with a ‘smiling’ emoji. ‘Can chat now, got back a few minutes ago. Pubs are open but not THAT open lol. What’s up?’

‘This is gonna sound random,’ Lucas typed, ‘but what’s your opinion on crossdressers? And crossdressing in general?’

‘Other than the several years I spent practising that particular ‘hobby?’ ’ Aaron replied with a ‘winking’ emoji. ‘I don’t really have an opinion, I guess. Like I said, there are a few times when I still feel the ‘urge,’ but I never act on it, and I don’t think I’d get any enjoyment out of it if I did. If you don’t mind me asking, why do you want to know?’

‘I just talked with a friend of mine,’ Lucas replied. ‘The same one I told you I gave all of ‘Lucy’s clothes to, and he was wearing them when we talked, and I suppose it confused me a bit, that’s all.’

‘I get it,’ Aaron typed. ‘Did it offend you, seeing him in ‘Lucy’s clothes?’

‘Not really,’ Lucas quickly replied. ‘Not at all, actually. It was just unexpected, that’s all, even after he told me that he crossdresses.’

‘How did he look?’ Aaron asked. ‘I mean, was it an over-the-top drag look or something more subtle?’

‘Subtle, definitely,’ Lucas replied. ‘Very passable. More passable than I ever was, that’s for sure.’

‘I dunno, your photos of ‘Lucy’ were all very natural, if you don’t mind me saying,’ Aaron typed.

‘Thanks,’ Lucas replied with a ‘blushing’ emoji.

‘But when it comes to men wearing women’s clothing, I don’t see what all the fuss is,’ Aaron typed. ‘If it makes you happy to wear a skirt, wear one. Same applies to all things feminine, even hormones and surgery, stuff like that. The world isn’t going to end because someone born male wants to explore what it is to be female, even if it’s only part-time. I told you that I regret transitioning, and when it comes to the medical side of things, like hormones, I REALLY do, but I don’t regret those early years when I ‘experimented.’ ’

‘With Jimmy Choos, stockings and cocktail dresses?’ Lucas asked with a ‘winking’ emoji.

‘I would say ‘don’t knock it until you’ve tried it,’ but I know that you have,’ Aaron replied with a ‘winking’ emoji of his own. ‘More people should try it, really. Maybe then there’d be fewer transphobic idiots around.’

‘Maybe,’ Lucas typed, before pausing to consider his next question. ‘Would you ever consider dating someone who crossdressed?’

‘Why, is your friend cute?’ Aaron asked with another ‘winking’ emoji. ‘Honestly, it wouldn’t bother me. Especially if he was cute lol. Though don’t feel you need to play Cupid for me.’

‘It was just a thought,’ Lucas typed with a ‘smiling’ emoji.

‘Again with you thinking of others before yourself,’ Aaron typed. ‘Have you ever done anything selfish? Anything that was purely for your own enjoyment?’

‘A lot of people would say transitioning in the first place was selfish,’ Lucas replied.

‘But by your own admission you even did that at least partly to help your brother,’ Aaron retorted.

‘Detransitioning, then,’ Lucas typed. Even if I can’t say for certain that I’m ‘enjoying’ it, the young man thought privately. ‘I dunno, maybe that’s why I’m apparently so eager to help all my friends or something.’

‘You shouldn’t feel guilty for detransitioning, ever,’ Aaron typed. ‘You don’t ‘owe’ anyone for living your life as your true self, not your friends, not even your brother.’

‘Thanks,’ Lucas typed, wiping a tear from his eye at the affirmation. ‘I guess I need to figure out what it is that I REALLY want.’

‘That’s the big trick, I suppose,’ Aaron typed. ‘I’m about to go to bed now, sorry — got an early morning at work tomorrow and pushed it a bit staying out as long as I did, especially on a Wednesday lol. If you need to message me during the night though, go ahead and I’ll reply in the morning.’

‘Thanks,’ Lucas typed with a ‘smiling’ emoji that his newest friend mirrored. ‘Sweet dreams!’

‘Until next time!’ Aaron typed, before his status immediately changed to ‘offline.’

Lucas sat back on his bed as he pondered what he had said to Aaron — that he needed to figure out for himself what he truly wanted. With a sigh, the young man headed to his wardrobe and opened the bottom drawer, the drawer he’d slammed closed after returning from the Easter holidays and that he swore he’d never open again. In the drawer were the crop top and leggings he wore to his street dance class, the soft university hoodie and denim skirt that had been ‘Lucy’s signature look for so long, the light blue jumpsuit that ‘Lucy’ had worn to ‘her’ first student party, and countless other outfits that held priceless memories. Outfits that Lucas hadn’t had the heart to turn over to Kieran, and which seemed to beckon to him the longer he looked.

With a sigh, Lucas stripped down to his underwear and pulled out the crop top and leggings, smiling as he felt the soft fabric caress his skin for the first time in what felt like forever. As he examined himself in the mirror, he was surprised at how well the garments seemed to fit him even after months with no oestrogen flowing through his veins. After taking several deep breaths to stop his hands from shaking, Lucas stepped into the skirt, zipping it closed fully before pulling the hoodie over his head. After brushing his hair loose, Lucas stepped back and looked at his reflection in the mirror.

Looking back at him was, undoubtedly, the reflection of a young, fairly attractive twenty-year-old woman — ‘Lucy’s reflection. Despite what Lucas had claimed to Kieran, ‘Lucy’ passed and passed well. ‘She’ was tall and slender and had a face that while not classically beautiful, had an attractive quality all of its own. And most of all, ‘Lucy’ looked a lot more comfortable in her own skin than ‘Lucas’s reflection ever had.

Lucas sighed as he stared at the girl looking back at him from the mirror — all of a sudden, the decision he’d made at Easter seemed less and less like the right thing....