The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike) Part 1652 by Angharad Copyright © 2012 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

I was sitting reading in bed when Simon came up, he’d been watching something on the telly–dunno what, wasn’t interested. I was doing the Guardian crossword, once I’d managed to pry Daddy’s fingers off it. It wasn’t going terribly well, the crossword I mean. It was one of those in which half the clues derive from one or two others and as I couldn’t get those, I couldn’t get the others either. I’m sure that sounded as cryptic as most of the clues I couldn’t understand let alone solve.

I waited while he went into the bathroom and finally emerged clad in tee shirt and underpants looking about as sexy as last week’s bin bag. He got into bed and we shared a toothpaste flavoured kiss.

He took the newspaper and glanced at the crossword, “Not doing very well are you?”

“No, have you come to help me?” I asked sweetly.

“No, I’ve come to ravage you.”

“I thought ravaging was done on Wednesdays.”

“What day is it today, then?”

“Thursday.”

“Oh bugger.”

“No that’s ...” Thankfully he saw my joke and roared with laughter, so I didn’t have to contemplate annoying my piles. He kissed me again.

“D’you know, Jacquie is referring to you as Daddy?”

“No I didn’t, I suppose that means she calls you, Mummy?”

“Much of the time, yes.”

“So, they’re only words.”

“Yeah, but so are lots of things which push people’s buttons–it only takes a few words to stir up a storm in the middle east.”

“Oh come off it, they’re pre-programmed to be nutters. Hey, did I ever tell you about the guy who went into a sex shop to buy an inflatable doll?”

“No, but I fear you’re going to.”

He ignored my comment. “Anyway he walks into this sex shop, and asks about the dolls and the bloke behind the counter asks if he wants male or female, then what colour he wants, then what religion.”

I rolled my eyes, I had a feeling I knew what was coming, so he might have told it to me before.

“Religion? Queries the guy."

"Yeah we got Christian, Buddhist, Jewish and Muslim. So the punter asks what the difference is?”

“The Muslim ones are self-inflating,” I interrupted.

“Oh you’ve killed it now–they blow themselves up, is the punchline.”

I didn’t think I’d killed very much except a silly joke with racist overtones. “Look, Si, what do we do with Jacquie?”

“I thought you were paying her and she was learning the ropes.”

“I’m not sure if it’s going to be as straightforward as all that, Si.”

“Why not, she’s an employee, isn’t she?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well you’re the one who employed her.”

“I know, because I assumed that was what everyone wanted.”

“Isn’t it?”

“Not any longer.”

“Jeez, babes, you’ve lost me. If it isn’t what she wants or she isn’t what you want get rid of her and get somebody else.”

“It isn’t that easy, Si. I told you it was complicated.”

“Can’t you deal with it, then we can shag?”

“Simon, grow up will you?”

“Little Simon is trying to grow up and he wants to play with Little Cathy.”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “This involves you as well, you know?”

“How? You run the domestics.”

“Because I suspect she wants to live with us as a member of the family.”

“I hope that’s not gold-digging.”

That thought hadn’t even crossed my mind, possibly because I didn’t tend to think about money as anything other than an enabler. It doesn’t attract or excite me, not totally true, I get quite chirpy if I win a tenner on the lottery.

“No, I think she’s genuine, and I also think it could be the quickest way to help her heal herself.”

“What could be?”

“Letting her into the family.”

“Hang on, don’t I get a say in this?”

“Of course you do, now shut up and listen.” The look on his face was priceless. “What did you want to say?”

“I’d like to be consulted before we adopt or acquire any more lame ducks, especially as the last couple didn’t exactly pull their weight.”

“Who said anything about lame ducks?”

“You’re a sucker for people with hardships, real or imaginary. I’ll bet you used to cry when your mother read you fairy tales.”

“How did you know that?” I pretended to be shocked.

“C’m’off it, woman, I can tell when you’re taking the urine.”

Actually it was true, some of the things which happen in nursery rhymes or fairy stories are dreadful, just look at the latest one, with Snow White and her duel with her step-mother being the plot of a new film full of special effects. Oh no, that reminded me of the joke about the bloke who was driving when his car bumped into one being driven by a dwarf who was three feet tall. The little chap jumped out of his car and said, I’m not happy.” At which the other bloke said, “Really, which one are you then?”

“What are you smirking at?” he demanded to know.

“My mind, which seems to inhabit parallel universes at times...”

“At times?” he said loudly, “I’d like notice when it’s back in this one.”

“I remembered a joke, that was all.”

“About parallel universes? C’mon then, I don’t know any about that.”

Perhaps he did as well? I explained why I smirked and told him the joke about the dwarf. He thought that was hilarious. He is a bit predictable at times.

“So what are we going to do about Jacquie?” I asked him.

“Is that the punch line?”

“No, Si, I mean our Jacquie, what are we going to do?”

“I told you; let me know when you decide.”

“Look, she is so damaged and I thought ...”

“Most women want to have sex and raise the consequences as their children–my wife wants to adopt every one with a sob story who crosses her path. Cathy, she is twenty years old–you are twenty eight–do you not think it a little incongruous to be having someone only eight years your junior calling you, mother?”

“Which is why I wanted to discuss it with you.”

“You want to save her, don’t you?”

“I’m not a goalkeeper or a rescue service. I’ve encountered someone to whom such injustices have occurred, I want to try and help put them right. You were talking about courts of appeal and so on the other night.”

“Yeah, that sort of thing I can deal with: it’s messy and intense, but can have the most amazing buzz attached to it when you win. If she lives with us, she could be here for the next twenty years.”

“Does that matter?”

“Yes it does–I don’t need any further drains on my pocket–I have a wife and daughters who can spend it faster than even I can make it.”

“You’re a billionaire, Simon.”

“I was until I married you ...”

“Can we keep this on a serious level? We’re talking about a young woman’s sanity here.”

“Yours or Jacquie’s?”

“Perhaps both of us.”

“It’s going to happen regardless of what I say, isn’t it?”

“Yes, probably.”

“So why bother to ask me, then?”

“It’s a consultation exercise, like the bank does, you know: ‘How would you feel if we screwed you in order to give our directors loads of dosh as bonuses which they haven’t earned, but we like them?’ Isn’t that how you do it?”

“Nah, that’s far too subtle for us.”

“Yeah, I suppose it is.”

“Have you asked the children?”

“They’ll answer however they think I want them too.”

“You’ve got us all conditioned, haven’t you?”

“Yep, and Skinner thought he was clever doing it with rats.”

“Yes, very clever–now can we shag?”