The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike) Part 1628 by Angharad Copyright © 2012 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

“Who is Keira Wolseley?” demanded Julie once we’d stopped laughing.

“Months ago, Jenny suggested her friend when I was thinking of engaging another housekeeper/nanny.”

“And she’s Keira whatever?”

“Yes.”

“And what’s so funny about that?”

“Well, Jenny couldn’t make contact with her so we let it go, then suddenly she emerges after I sent that letter to Jenny.”

“So you think Jenny has put her up to it?”

“Shall we say we haven’t ruled it out.”

“What for?”

“Assuming she has been planted, then I have no idea–some sort of attempted extortion racket if she finds something to blackmail us over, and so on.”

“We don’t have anything to be blackmailed about do we?” asked Julie and Stella shrugged.

“Only the fact that three of us have had gender reassignment surgery–and that’s old news now.”

“Dunno, with the way the Daily Wail threw a hissy fit over some kid being featured in the The Sun, they could have a field day with you for allowing gender surgery on a seven year old.”

“What was I supposed to do? Trish’s willie was practically hacked off, bearing in mind she’d already done a DIY orchidectomy.”

Stella who’d started this area of conversation went rather quiet which reminded me it was she who did the hacking when she attacked me with a knife and Trish tried to help me.

“Anyway, she’s happy she looks more like an ordinary girl and can use showers and changing rooms without any problems now.”

“Know the feeling,” smiled Julie.

“Yeah, well next time you shove a broom handle up it, just remember a natural vagina is only about five inches deep, although it is more elastic than an improvised one.”

“So does that mean I have to look for a bloke with a five inch willie who’s the same diameter as a pencil, Mummy?”

“I’m not sure I want to continue this conversation,” instead I went to do a few minor chores, an hour on the mammal survey and went to bed.

The next morning after getting the girls to school, I dashed home to change and check everything was fine for our meeting with Keira Wolseley. She drove up in a Nissan Micra which was less than a year old–and she needed a job? Right.

I let her in and we adjourned to the dining room with coffees. How to describe her–she was about five feet seven–so my height–buxom with dark shoulder length hair and a pretty face and brown eyes. If she had any dominating features, it was probably her very white teeth, which I felt a bit suspicious about. Only American film stars have teeth that white.

“You said you’d been away for a while?” I asked her.

“Yeah, did a job in the States, Washington DC, was a nanny to some senator.”

“Oh what did you think of Washington?”

“Full of nutters with guns, and that’s just the cops–the bad guys are frightening. I got mugged coming out of a shopping mall, I got to my car with a pile of shopping and some guy shoves me to the ground and drove off with my car, my purse and my shopping. They caught him but he crashed the car–they never did find my purse or the money and cards I had.”

“Still at least you weren’t hurt,” I offered trying to see the positive element.

“Hurt my knees–the bastard–hope he rots in jail.”

I glanced at Stella who winced at this remark.

She showed us some references from her previous employer which looked genuine, so maybe she was after all–can’t say I liked her that much.

“Have you seen Jenny since you came back?”

“No, she had an accident didn’t she?”

“Yes,” I confirmed but that was all I was going to say.

“Did she jump off a bridge or something?”

“You’d need to speak to her about what happened, it would be a breach of confidence were I to say anything.”

“Oh yeah, I hadn’t thought of it that way–mind you she always was a bit temperamental–and always chose the most useless blokes–mind you her dad is that way, a total jerk.”

I explained the job and its duties and she raised an eyebrow when I mentioned five children and two of Stella’s. “You’ve got five children–you don’t look old enough to have five children,” she said to me.

“Thank you for the compliment, but I have five ranging from twelve to twelve months, plus another to whom I’m a guardian who is now eighteen. We also have my father living here, it was originally his house, plus my husband of course, Stella and sometimes her partner as well.”

“Wow, and you want one person to cope with all that?”

“I have for several months, but I’m going back to work after Easter.”

“How many hours?”

“A standard of thirty eight with overtime some weeks, with a live in element, so board is included when you’re here.”

She looked a bit as if she didn’t want that amount of work. Julie showed her round the place and she came back and declared how large the place was, in fact, much bigger than she thought.

“Does that mean you don’t want the job?”

“I think it’s probably too much for one person.”

“We have someone else in mind as well, so it could be a shared job.”

“Dunno–can I think about it?”

“Of course, I’m not actually offering you the job as such but if you are still interested let me know and we’ll discuss it.”

“Okay, thanks.” She left and I doubted we’d hear from her again.

“She won’t be back,” declared Stella.

“I doubt it too,” I agreed, “too much work as she sees herself essentially as a nanny, and looking after three children plus another four after and before school. I doubt very much if she’ll ever come back to us.”

“Shows what a gem Jenny was until she went off the rails,” suggested Stella.

“Off the rails–she was a total train crash.” I’d forgotten Julie was back with us. “I don’t think she’ll be back, Mummy, she’s too lazy. I showed her the kitchen and she nearly fell over when she saw the range and the all the pans hanging up. She said it looked like a hotel kitchen and she wasn’t no skivvy.”

“Oops, looks like we’ve met our match dear sister in law, the peasants are revolting.”

Julie snorted and had to go off to find some tissues, while Stella poker faced said, “In the old days everyone knew their place, since the nineteen sixties with free love and flower power, they all think they’re important–silly twat.”

Julie looked at me and snorted again then turned round to wipe her nose again. I hoped she wasn’t getting a cold because I could do without that going through the inmates of this upmarket asylum.

Oh well tomorrow should be fun, Jacquie Morse will be coming to lunch and so will Stephanie. I wonder what will happen.