The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike) Part 1651 by Angharad Copyright © 2012 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

If I could have a relatively ordinary relationship, why couldn’t Jacquie, once we taught her to trust others. Simon was going to be so important here, to show her that not all men are predatory bastards, in fact, most men are okay and just as appalled by the behaviour of a minority as everyone else. The problem is, no one knows if someone is harmless until they either get to know them or they find out the hard way that they’re not–by which time it’s too late.

At times, life most certainly does appear to be a bitch. I sat quietly with Jacquie. “Why shouldn’t you one day have a loving relationship with someone?”

“Because I’m damaged.”

“So are lots of people, Jacquie, there are ways of moving on from that state and back to being relatively normal.”

“I don’t know if I could trust a man.”

“You went for a walk with Simon.”

“I watched him with the girls, they love him to bits and so do you. You know him better than I do, so I used yours and the girl’s judgement to expect him to be safe.”

“He is absolutely safe, I can vouch for that. So maybe, between Si and Daddy, you can start to learn to trust again. All of us here have been damaged, and we help to heal each other. While I can honestly say I didn’t suffer in the same way you did, I did suffer, so I have some insight, although I’m not trying to say I fully understand how you feel.”

“I don’t know how I feel, Mummy, so how can anyone else?”

“Well, hopefully that’s a transient state, and with our love and some professional support, you’ll move on and learn to trust again. I can’t promise you’ll ever have a loving relationship because that all depends upon finding the right sort of partner, whoever they are.”

“I doubt I will, not like you and Daddy.”

As these words impacted my lugholes I wondered what Si would think about her calling him Daddy? I’ll have to speak with him when I get a chance and tell him to let her call him whatever she wants as long as it isn’t abusive. He’s very caring in lots of ways, so I think he’ll be okay once I tell him what to think.

I’ve spoken briefly with the kids–they know she was wrongly imprisoned and that she was innocent. They also know she was abused while she was locked up. They are appalled and want to help. Like me, they’ve all been there to some extent, so have a natural empathy towards damaged people. However, I also have to make sure they don’t try to help too much because they are neither old enough to understand all the implications, and at this stage, I don’t need them making unwitting disclosures to Jacquie. I don’t want her to learn of my history nor Trish’s or Julie’s until she gets to know them as female. Once that is established, we might then be able to let her know the truth.

The other thing is, while we’re all trying to help her, she might decide she can’t cope with such a close knit group, who are relatively open with each other. She’s had to be shut down to survive in the institution, so I doubt she made any real friends–which makes the abuse all the more disgusting. The two people who might be expected to offer a professional compassion and listening ear, were the two who abused her. It just makes me angry.

While looking at the internet, I also saw some story from Holland about the abuse of boys by priests at a home and that some of the boys were castrated. I was beside myself with rage. I had to go and wash the kitchen floor to calm myself down. True it happened long before I was born, but once again, the people who should be trustworthy, betrayed that trust. I felt that life imprisonment would be too short a sentence for such betrayal.

Jacquie was looking at me in bewilderment. “Are you alright, Mummy, you seemed to go into a trance while I was talking to you?”

Oops, some counsellor I’d make, “Sorry, Jacquie, you said something which triggered a whole pile of thoughts and I couldn’t stop them.”

“You have been abused haven’t you? It happens to me so often.” She leant forward to hug me, “You’ve been so kind to me, Mummy.”

“It’s been my pleasure, now, I’m going to make some more tea and you can do me a kindness.”

“Of course, Mummy.”

“Pop upstairs and fetch little Katie down, I need to get rid of some of this milk.”

She nodded and ran up the stairs while I boiled the kettle. A few minutes later, we were sat at the table again and drinking tea while her ladyship suckled. I have to be a bit careful, because occasionally she does bounce around and I have tipped tea down myself, through her knocking the cup. Fortunately, it wasn’t too hot and also it hit me, not her. Much of the time she gets so relaxed, she nods off and I have to stroke her ear or nudge her to wake her up, and then she starts sucking again–or chewing. I’m going to end up with nipples like cauliflowers at this rate–little monkey.

Jacquie sat and watched me in awe–yeah, that’s the right word. It almost minded me of Trish and Billie who were always gobsmacked to see me feeding the baby and who prayed they’d be able to do it as well when they grew up. Sadly that can’t happen with Billie, but perhaps Trish will get the chance to find out–not that I see her with babies unless she’s an obstetrician or paediatrician. I could see her with robots–but somehow, not babies.

“I’d love to be able to do that, Mummy.”

“How d’you know you can’t?”

“I can’t have babies, can I, so it’s pretty certain.”

“I couldn’t have babies either, yet I managed it.”

“She’s not your baby?”

“I’m not her birth mother–alas, she died along with her sister and her father. I was asked by her mother to look after her. I haven’t regretted it one bit, except the fact that three lovely people died.”

“But she looks so at home with you?”

“I had her since she was only a few weeks old. She didn’t get to know her natural mother, although when she’s old enough to understand, I’ll show her photos and tell her as much of the story as I know. I want her to know and be comfortable with the fact that she was given to live with us by her mother as she died.”

“That is just so sad.”

“It was awful, Trish and I found her dead in bed.”

“Oh that is so tragic.”

“I know, I don’t know if I’ll ever come to terms with what happened, but the love she’s brought into my life is astonishing.”

“I think you’ve probably brought quite a bit into the lives of everyone who knows you, haven’t you?”

“Ah not quite, I’ve had my detractors over the years, but mostly they learn to leave me alone, and Simon is a huge support, so are the kids.” Huge yeah, I need to get him on a diet.

“You’re such a natural mother, aren’t you?” I let Jacquie clean and change Catherine’s nappy and take her up to bed. Natural mother–that’s a laugh–maybe I’ll be able to let her in on the unconscious irony, one day soon.