The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike) Part 1905 by Angharad Copyright © 2012 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

When I go shopping in peak times like the post Christmas sales, I take a special handbag which has a purse included on a strap to the bottom of the bag. It is possible to detach it but I don’t bother, as I don’t use it too often.

I left Trish and Livvie playing with Hannah, and took Mima with me to get her some new wellingtons. The rain had slowed to a deluge, and by the time we got to town I was all in favour of coming home. I managed to park in the Waitrose car park and we trotted into town, pulling up the hoods on our coats with one hand the other holding each others hand.

In the first shoe-shop we encountered, Mima saw some pink wellies with fairies on them. They were so over the top saccharine that they made me feel ill. The wellingtons weren’t actually in the sale goods, except to declare, ‘buy one get a second pair half price.’

They had some in Mima’s size and she was stamping round the shop like the Incredible Hulk, and if she was practicing for some puddle stamping she’d be making a mistake, because when you do, the water shoots straight up and hits you in the groin. It’s even worse when walking on mudflats, then it’s sticky, gelatinous goop which makes it look like you were doubly incontinent.

I stepped outside the shop and called home, I knew everyone there had enough gumboots, but did Hannah? She didn’t, was a size two, and she’d like anything girly according to Ingrid.

I got her some yellow ones with butterflies on. Meems opted to wear her new acquisitions and found out that my theory of puddle splashing still held water, or rather her knickers did now. We dashed back to the car and I gave her a spare pair to put on–anyone with small children, always carries a spare pair of panties–then we off to the shops again.

It was in the crush on the main street by John Lewis that someone had a go at my purse. I was bending down to hear what Mima was trying to tell me when I got propelled forward, only just managing to stop my head hitting plate glass. I simultaneously tightened my grip on my bag and was glad I did, because I felt that being torn away from me.

Astonishingly, I held on to my bag and even more remarkably, Mima belted the would be thief with her umbrella, in a very delicate place. He started to run for it and I grabbed her umbrella and flung it at him, catching him on the back of his head, I also called, “Stop thief,” well, it works in the movies.

It did here too, he ran straight into a copper, who attempted to apprehend the villain but instead got a punch in the face and fell down. “Stay with the policeman, Mima,” I said, and charged off after our miscreant.

I caught him. He suggested I was mistaken, and told him that fingerprints on my bag would prove if I was lying or not, and what about the policeman–that was a serious offence, decking a plod.

He seemed to be checking something over my shoulder, so I suspect his support team were gathering. I was so glad I had trousers on. I felt someone grab my arms from behind which enabled me to lean back and deliver two kicks, one to stop him breeding, the second to stop him from getting away, to the side of his knee. The impetus from the kicks had pushed me into my other attacker and we both went sprawling, me on top of him. He let go my hands and I elbowed him three or four times wherever I could make contact. He swore at me and wriggled free, spun round and grabbed his leg as he tried to make off. He didn’t. He rose to his knees and I pushed him from behind and he headbutted a third member of the team in his family jewels.

All three of them were rolling about on the wet pavement by the time the police arrived, with Mima who enjoyed her ride in a squad car. Loads of people had captured the action on their camera phones, and I just knew my You tube fame was about to be rekindled.

Some woman had seen me catch the bloke up and him attempt to hit me, with his friend’s help, it also captured my street-fighting technique–anything and everything goes. The copper chuckled as I took out the second one and the film showed the second disabling the third. They arrested them on the spot as known offenders–sadly, Romanians, who seem to be rather better at street crime than employment.

I gathered Mima and we went back home via Waitrose where I got a few things for the larder. “Mummy, you’s got a howe in you twouses.”

I checked, she was quite right, I’d put a hole into the knee of my trousers. I dumped the food and we ran into John Lewis where I grabbed a pair from the sale which fitted perfectly. Then it was back home before the phone started ringing.

I explained to Simon and Tom and the others what had happened, and that several people had filmed in on phones. It seems they encourage a form of voyeurism, rather than offering assistance.

Of course it was no more than an hour later when the phone rang and someone from the local paper who had the pictures wanted to confirm who it was in them. Simon denied all knowledge of all of it.

It was apparently already on You tube entitled, ‘Portsmouth woman deals with three thugs.’ I saw it and was horrified. It didn’t show my face clearly, which was the only good bit, but the size of the three men–they were huge. If I’d realised that I’d have let them go.

Andy Bond arrived a little later, “I’m beginning to feel a bit like one of the royal liaison officers, only dealing with lesser nobs.”

“So I’m a lesser nob, now am I?”

“No, that wasn’t what I meant it to say–look, when they know you’re involved in anything, they find me and send me off to calm things down.”

“What needs calming down?”

“Our little Romanian friends are suggesting they might sue you for damages for assault.”

“Are they still in custody?”

“No, they were bailed.”

“Pity.”

“Why?”

“I was going to suggest you tell them to ask the judge for a long sentence and then deportation.”

“What for?”

“Because the next time I see them I’ll kill them.”

“Cathy, you can’t go round saying such things, especially in front of a police officer.”

“I didn’t say it wasn’t an idle threat, as long as they believed it. No I’ll need to find out where they live and terrorise them for a few weeks.”

“I don’t believe I’m hearing this,” Andy Bond looked horrified.

“The look on your face is priceless, Andy–you stopping for a cuppa?