Between One Step and the Next, Part 2

Sam almost dropped the teacup.

“I .. I was WHAT?”

Tina giggled, and said, “I bet that sounds impossible, but its true. I had set up a booth to tell people about the meeting that night for gay, lesbian, bi, and transgender students. I watched you look at our poster, for like five minutes. Then you came up to me and asked if you had to be one of “those people” and I told you no, you could just come as you were.”

Sam closed his eyes, and remembered his own past. He had always had an ... emptiness, a feeling that something fundamental to his life had been denied him. He’d even been pretty sure it had something to do with his gender, his complete disconnection from anything that could be called “male.”

But he had buried this pain, covered it over, and tried to keep anyone else from guessing its source. He remembered seeing the poster, and for a moment being tempted to at least learn more. But in his own reality, he had felt a surge of fear, recalling how his father had reacted when he had made fumbling attempts to explore the issue when he was a kid.

In his own reality, he had walked away, gone to his dorm room, and cried. He then had berated himself for his weakness, and clung to his self-imposed misery like it was salvation. Eventually, the pain, the absence in his heart calcified, and the feminine voice within him became weaker.

But with its loss, he stopped really living, and only went through the motions of life. He became little more than a zombie, stumbling through his live, and it was that utter lack of hope which had finally led to the desperation that led him to walk through the Arch.

He looked at Tina who was watching him with love and concern, and realized this version of himself had made the better choice. He had obviously surrendered his pride, his need to prove to his father he was a man, and took a leap toward a future with the possibility of hope.

And it looked like whatever the cost had been, whatever hard days and sorrow he had suffered, this version of himself (herself?) had persevered, and come out the other side victorious.

She had a good job, a good home, a good life. And best of all she seem to have someone who had obviously stood with her, through bad times and good, and would see her through the rest of her journey.

“Sam?” Are … are you remembering?” Tina asked anxiously.

Sam made a decision. “I.... I remember how lucky I am to have you. The rest is … just details.”

Tina pulled Sam off the chair, and said, “Thank God. I … don’t know what I would do if I lost you.”

“I’m sorry Tina. I’ll …... try not to stay lost.”

Slowly, gently, Tina drew her into a passionate embrace. When Sam didn’t resist, she began to kiss her.

Sam melted into the kiss, feeling fire in her breasts and below her waist. Soon, they ware panting, and Tina pulled out long enough to say. “I.. I couldn't talk you into our bedroom, could I? I... I’ve heard sex is a great healer.”

Sam blushed, and thought, <”God.. .that kiss....”>

Then Sam had a spasm of guilt. <”But I’m not her Sam. Where did her Sam go? Is she living my old life? Do I have the right to take this Sam’s life from her? But could I go back to the hopelessness I left behind?”>

She began to cry.

Tina held her tight, and said, “Oh God, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Sam shook, and said, “No I’m sorry. You are …. so beautiful and so kind, but I can’t.”

“I …. understand. Sam. I must seem like a stranger to you.”

Sam looked at this woman, who must be in such pain at the possibility of losing her love, and said, “It... it will be okay. Somehow, it’ll be okay.”

“I... I think I need some air. Maybe I’ll go to the local Chinese place and order supper for both of us, okay?” Tina said with a catch in her throat.

“O....okay.” Sam said.

When Tina had gone out and closed the door, Sam sunk into a chair and wept.

<“Okay. I... I got to think. I’m hurting Tina every second I’m taking her Sam’s place. But what do I do?”> Sam thought to herself.

She sat with her hands pressed against her temples, as if she could push ideas out. Finally, she said aloud “The Arch...”

******

When Tina came back, she said, “I’m sorry Sam. I brought your favorite to make it up to …” Tina looked around the silent house, and called Sam’s name. It was on her second trip around that she saw the note on the fridge.

It said; “I have to go back to the Arch. I hope that when I come back, I’ll be the me you remember. I don’t know much about this life, but I can see already how much the two of you mean to each other, and I have to do whatever it takes to get her back for you. I wish you both luck. Sam.”

Tina ran into the garage, and saw the car was gone. “Damit!” She shouted. She ran back inside, and picked up the phone. “Hello, Taxi.....”

*****

A short while later, Tina saw Sam’s car beside the Arch from her taxi, and asked the driver to stop. She got out, and saw Sam sitting with her back resting against one of the poles of the Arch.

“Sam!”: She shouted, running up to her “Sweetie, you scared me.”

She slowed as she got closer, and saw that Sam had tears running down her cheeks, and she crouched down to put a hand on Sam’s knee. “Sam?” What is it?”

“It … didn’t work. I …. can’t get your Sam back for you.” Sam said between sobs

“What are you talking about, Sam?”

Sam sighed, and said, “I’ve got a story to tell you, but you wont believe me...”

*******

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