I was so astonished to day when I posted Ch 3. It went up just as I had written it!!! Thank you Erin!

This story is a horse of a different color, and in looking at the two previous stories, I am satisfied with the Kudos and read counts. I did not set out to be a star, but to write from my heart.

Ch4 will be the last. I hope that you will enjoy it.

Much peace

Khadijah

Here is a neat web page done by a trans woman. I hate using that term but must because if I just called her a woman, as I call myself, you would think that she knew nothing.

http://www.secondtype.info/bodysize.htm

This highlights the struggle of larger T folk very well. I know that they can not change what is in their heads and they are stuck with a body that they feel considerable pain over. My only, heart felt, suggestion is to do the best you can.

I was sitting at the post office today, waiting for it to open as a woman with three children walked past.

I was wondering if any of the professionals here know anything about cases where female hormones were used on male children at a very early age; say, starting about one year old? I am looking for development of the wider pevlic bones, shoulder structure, and the seemingly more flexible ligament structure of a genetic female.

It is part of a story idea that is growing in the dirt in a dark place in the basement of my mind.

OK here's the deal. I am taking a break here; rethinkin what I am gonna write, and I am sort of tired of the ideas that some people are pushing at me. No drama here, I'm just standing up for myself. I am finding that certain things I do just retraumatise me, so I'm not gonna do them any more. That would be dumm. I'm not answering any more calls that are unlisted.

I'm gonna finish Lt Katia and write an end to Ms Frankenstein. After that I don't know what I am gonna write. And no, I am not on skype all the time anymore.

As part of the continuing saga of computer woes, I have been completely unable to find a phone number for Norton. There is the Norton Community Forum, but so far the posts there are mostly complaining about Norton's unresponsiveness to their problems. Did the founder of the company sell out or something? Maybe I should buy a Mac?

Much peace

Khadijah

Well, with my laptop in the pit, I have been thinking about alternatives, and then today I saw Steve Jobes speaking about the new Ipad. $499 opened my ears a little. It'll have Wifi and Cell Network internet available. So, completely ignoring the fact that the release date is the 11th I went looking for one to ask questions. Did you know that Verizon is selling the Ipad? Well, I went into the store and started asking all sorts of laptop questions, and then the people there said, "Let's talk about the XOOM?"

I just about have Ch 3 ready, finally, and this afternoon was looking at the other two chapters to see how they matched up with Ch 3 and at the heading of one of the chapters, it said the word count was about 40,000 words. Well I already knew that from my having done most of my writing in MS Word; though I am now using Works until I work out some issues with using Word. That works out to about 25 pages and for me that seems like a comfortable amount of work to do per chapter.

I am sorry this is not pretty. It really is an ugly thing to say about one's self. And, it gets obscured in psychological theory so complex that I doubt that even the greatest minds can comprehend it. This is not a poor me blog, but it is brutally honest; candidly brutal. I am also quite sure that there are many here who suffered through things in life at least as bad and many times worse than I have.

http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2011/02/22/what-porn-did-to-a-...

Something has been jabbering away at the back of my mind for some time and I'd like to share it with the Lurker Psych people here. Am I being paranoid, I don't think so, because what better way to study people of our ilk than in one of our sanctuaries?

The initial 3 or 4 years after transition were pure unmitigated hell, because of the loss of my old life, especially my family. However, the last few years have been much better; the pain having finally dulled to a manageable level.

Just wishing...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kq8BUb2ixHs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-0upHlWfQ4&feature=fvw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9sRJ-eOHnc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMXnu31-k_U&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LgEDPaITmU&feature=related

http://edition.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/meast/12/17/gaza.gender.id/

This is a really interesting article. The problem in GAZA is huge. And, now that I think of it, though we do not hear about it much, I am thinking that the problem is a big problem in Saudi Arabia too. Which explains, perhaps, why a Saudi man that I know seems really uninterested and not at all alarmed by my own status. Hmmmmm

Khadijah

I've been having increasing head aches for the last several months. They began when I was about 20 and were only about twice a year, now I have them about once a month. When they started, they would give me a shot of Novocane at the base of my skull. Leave it to Doctors to eschew the simple solution and now I use Vicoden to knock them down. The problem is that Vicoden is of lessening effecacy, so they finally decided to um take a look.

I am troubled tonight, and I don't seem to be able to sort my feelings out very well right now. I have been coming to this site just 2 weeks over 4 years, and I have come to know and have great affection for a number of the Authors here. I really appreciate the patience and understanding that Erin has shown me when my emotions were unmanageable. It is posible that I was the biggest drama queen ever to come here, and in spite of it all, I don't think anyone has ever sent an unkind email or comment to me. I am so thankful for that.

So, on the otherwise pleasantly uneventful trip to Iowa, I dropped my phone into coffee. It was really awful as a dipper. So, Cathy I am Ok but out of touch until I get home, inshallah, on the 29th. Beth, I did so want to read your story and will, I promise. Any one else, I did hope to get ch 3 of Lt Katia up but now it will wait. Sorry.

I cannot sort the phone out until after the 11th.

Merry Christmas to all. Ma Salaama to you also.

Khadijah

A little about my writing.

I just thought it would be helpful to talk to some of the newcomers about my point of view in writing. Yes, I am Muslim, and was fairly heavily emersed in that culture until just recently. So, my understanding of the cultures is somewhat better than some. I have no Military experience in the Middle East. Mine was during the Vietnam war and I was a non combatant. Yes, I was Military Police for 3 years … It’s complicated.

I stold this phrase from AE Brain, LOL But reading about it, I wonder if at least some Transgenderisim is simply a variation of protandrous dichogamous pseudohermaphroditism. I hope that none of you missed the clip on CNN where a Doctor said that for example, a Mtf Brain is more like that of a woman, and visa versa.

Hmmmmm.

Dragging the world, kicking and screaming out of the dark ages.

Khadijah

About 7:00 PM tonight, I started upgrading (?) my computer from Vista to Win 7. It is now almost 1:00 AM and I am asking myself just what in the hell I was thinking? They changed things that I liked just fine, now I gotta figure out how to do them now. I was so happy being able to fun two screens and now none of that works. Norton doesn't even look right any more.

Now I am even thinking of going out and buying a refurbished Apple. YUKKKK!!! I hate Apple computer company. Like I would rather swallow a fence post.

I am hoping that this is a safe place to say this ?

In a few weeks, a dear friend of mine is coming from Saudi Arabia to attend College in Portland. He is a very good man, and we get along so well that if things were different, I would marry him with no hesitation. (We all know what differences they might be) He and I just have so much to talk about. There is a heart connection there that I can not explain.

I've had several emails from members of my "other" community who are quite frightened. I am sure that most of you are aware of the attempted bombing in my home town, Portland, Or. It is the women who have most reason to be frightened, because the Hijab "brands" us. It is likely that many of them will be going out sans Hijab in the future.

I do not have that choice. For me it is Hijab or dress as a Man. I can not wear a wig.

One of the biggest issues I faced in passing was my smile, and for most of us T folk, lots of the time, there just does not seem to be much reason to do so.

However, I think a happy smile can be our biggest asset, even if we don't feel much like smiling. In my experience, slapping on a happy, mischevious smile before I leave the door, can make my day seem brighter, and generally makes other people respond to me in a much better way.

After much procrastination and many misgivings, I finally posted "Lt Katia In Afghanistan". Perhaps those who have PTSD problems caused by combat, should just avoid this one. To make it clear, I have not been in "Military" combat, and this story is not meant to be a commentary on anything, and is solely for reading enjoyment.

Much Peace

Khadijah