Gwen Brown

Revisiting "Deception Of Choice".

I am re-reading Fleurie's, psychological thriller, "Deception Of Choice", um because I decided to. As it turns out, the story was originally published in the same month that I was originally outed. Being outed was not something that I wanted, but somehow the system propelled me along as surely as being fired out of the torpedo tube of a submarine. I had intended to stay with my family, and hopefully die not that long after the last one married. My job would be complete.

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Tonight I Wept


Tonight I Wept
By
Gwen Brown

Today I felt lost; almost bereft, seeking something that was not in my own heart or in my relationship with what surrounds me. In many, perhaps most ways I feel so blessed. I have a nice place to live. I am not beaten by my husband; forced to stay at home, unable to leave without permission. There will be no stoning for me if someone tells a lie about me. I can vote, and I can drive.

“I am lonely!” I cry out to that which I can not see but that I know is there.

Ke$ara ???

For a while there was a new female singer out whose name was something like "Ke$hara" The only thing I remember for certain is that the S was a $ and it began with K. She's about the same genre as Katy Perry, and I liked her music.

Over the week end, I thought I caught a look at some pictures of her in which she really looked like a T girl, though in her music Videos, she looked anything but. Come on, we all know that our waist lines are a struggle for us. I nearly got a silicone Butt, but did not want to spend another $12,000 in Thailand. It's a bitch isn't it?

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Role Play.

I'll have to say that I have never made a serious effort at role playing games, but I've gotten curious a few times. The first was after I had read most of the Gor books. After the first two or three, I only kept reading them because I had exhausted all the David Weber books, and hoped that John Norman would eventually improve with practice.

At the time, I was enduring the last gasps of a rotten 40 year marriage. Yes, I know I should be flogged for staying with a bad marriage for 40 years.

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On Being A Real Man ?

You might catch "NEWS" (?)

Just to warn anyone who wants to try things of this sort. Didn't work for me; wasn't gay. Oddly enough I had no attraction to men at all until well into transition. It took me a long time to resolve the pure, unadulterated, revulsion I had for men, but after a long time, living as a woman, it slowly ebbed. I don't know how.

In this one, I will say that the psychobabble is impressive, but you can still see the conflict in the face of the man who was interviewed.

http://news.yahoo.com/video/us-15749625/22933983#video=22934675

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The Stupid Old Woman's Blog

When I agreed to accompany my friend to Ohio, I thought it was a blessing. Some of you were slightly jealous, and I can't blame you. Now that we have been here for slightly over 10 weeks, here is a progress report:

When we got to Ohio, it was hotter than any place I had ever experienced except for Bangkok Thailand, or Maybe Fort Gordon, GA, or Lawton Oklahoma. It was unspeakably hot. I had been in 110 or 120 degree temperatures before but the humidity was low. This at a mere 85 was absolutely smothering because of the humidity. Thankfully, now in November, it freezes at night.

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Your Life Is Gonna Be A Train Wreck!

You can call this a RANT!

I just don't know how it happens! I went through my entire transition while a member of this site, so anyone who has been here as long as I have know that it killed me! I'm not bringing myself down by going back over the whole damn debacle! AGAIN!

Why did I not kill myself entirely? Well, this morning I am wondering why I didn't! Look Sisters, this transitioning is like jumping into a black hole. Most of us lose every single thing that we valued. You won't find me telling you to do it.

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Please, no editing help?

I have already talked to Erin about this, and I am determined to learn how to post my own stories on this site. I am about to post the first chapter of a story I have been working on for a long time, but anticipate some problems trying to work out how to do the picture, the header, the story explanation, and the body of the story so that it looks the way I want it to.

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Reconciliation with my family?

I thought that I had forgotten the family; put them away; given it up as a lost cause, but I just found out, through the Grapevine, that my youngest Daughter has had a baby. I don't know when she had it or the gender. She is full blooded Korean and he is Caucasian, so the child is apt to be quite lovely.

This thing has once again brought the longing for a reconciliation with my family to the front. I wonder if it is but a vain hope? This time, a Christian pastor has offered help, and I am wondering how far I am willing to compromise my own beliefs in order that progress can be made.

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Linkedln Spam, sorry.

I guess it is my fault. I got an email from someone I know, and she asked me if I wanted to link with her on Linkedln, a purportedly professional web network site.

Well, now the thing is making its way through every contact that I have of any kind with anyone and sending them invitations to link with me. I am sorry about this. I got duped and did not realize what the consequences would be.

From now on, everything I get from them is getting marked spam.

Gwendolyn.

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Lost all my hearing!

Suddenly yesterday, I lost all the hearing in my left ear. There is a tiny bit left but it sounds like speaker does when the cone is torn. I did not hit my head or anything. I have been wearing a hearing aid in that ear for quite some time. There is a problem in my right ear, but I can not tolerate a hearing aid there. To top it off, there is another kind I can use in the right ear but I will not be able to use my Hijab, and that is a big deal to me.

Gwendolyn

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Exodus International to stop Gay bashing

I am surprised that none of you picked up on this as I see it as quite important.

Yesterday I noticed in the news that Exodus International, James Dobson's once highly publicised effor to cure Gays had decided to pull out of anti Gay conventions. The reason being that someone had figured out that this sort of rhetoric was causing suicides. I don't know if there are any law suits pending but I do know the sort of language that the Dobson bunch used.

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Confused About Comic Characters

It's going to rain an inch today. I wonder how they know that? Outside there are few birds about, I wish I could show you the view out my window; of the bird feeder beneath the ancient Beech or what ever it is; the tiny river down the bank; the private boat docks across the way. At 9:00 AM, the world outside looks quite dreary, yet comforting; leaving me plenty of time to introspect.

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Wait, I'm the messed up one !

For most of my life, I have felt as if I was the messed up one, in spite of the fact that I worked for 40 years, raised 4 children, and all that. (One of the children was my wife :) )

So, after going through SRS, that firmly implants one in the Mental Health, section 8 envirionment, and one must really behave themself or there are dire consequences. Unless, you accidentally escape.

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Good heavens, we've got Midges!

I was in New York state a few days ago visiting a friend, and down by a lake, walked right into a cloud of bugs so dense that I was almost afraid to breathe. That night when I got home from there, we had similar infestations of the same thing. They were just awful, and I could hardly get into the house! Too bad we do not have bats. I'd have found them on the lawn the next morning, stuffed and burping ! :)

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Hey, ya wanna date my avatar?

I think some of you need to do this, considering some of the pics I see for the stories I see here. Sadly, I can not find properly attired Binti clothing. Haraam Haraam !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urNyg1ftMIU&NR=1

giggle.

Gwendolyn

Or NOT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEWgs6YQR9A&feature=related

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A disturbance in the Internet ether?

For the last several days, I have noticed that BCTS is slow to completely load at times. Oh, it eventually does, but I just noticed the change. No complaint really. Are there current issues in the air or is it just this infestation of Ohio fall bugs. It reminds me of stories I have heard about Midges.

Much peace

Gwendolyn

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Ave Maria in Welsh?

I used to listen to Charlotte Church when she was young and thought that her singing was wonderful. For me it was disappointing to see her transition into other music but that is her right if she wishes.

Accidentally, early this morning around 2:00 AM, I discovered Katherine Jenkins! I think the wiki said she is Welsh, but I do not remember clearly because of the hour. Did I hear her sing Ave Maria in Welsh? I would not know, because I neither understand Welsh nor Italian.

Much peace

Gwendolyn

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I vow to thee my country.

I am quite sure that some of you have doubts about my loyalties because I am Muslim. And, in light of the actions taken by a few pseudo Muslims, one would think that the rest of us Muslims would really pitch in solidly to rid the world of this vermin. I served during the Vietnam War, and the fact that I did not go "In Country" sometimes makes me feel like an interloper when I see myself honored alongside those who actually saw combat.

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A question of vital importance!

No, I am not buying into this silly video, unless one of you own up to making it. Flying Pteradacles, AS IF!

No, my question is: Who is the music in the background played by? This music is like so totally HOT!!! It makes ALL of my danceing genes fire at once!

Gwen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4p4iRFlh1LE&feature=related

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"Classical" dreaming.

I've always had very eclectic tastes in music, and the first song I can remember is "The Green Door" circa '56. For reasons I don't understand, I really like Handel, Wagner, Bach, and some of those other dead guys too. These days, my favorites are Gaga, Ka$ira, Kati Perry, and the like. The other day, I listened to AC DC do an almost perfect rendition of Fir Elise; Wow!

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Interesting "Conjunction" of Holidays.

I see that this year, the Holy time of Rosh Hashanah, and EID closely coincide. I find it extremely sad that two belief systems which have so much in common seem to have had so much to fight about in the past. For the past month beginning August 11th, Muslims have been celebrating the month or Ramadan and it will end with a three day celebration.

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I was the pet in the zoo today.

So, what do I have to bitch about? I am living almost the perfect life now if you ignore the black hole in my heart at the loss of my whole family. Shit, that was over 5 years ago now, so I just need to buck up, pull up my skirt, keep my lipstick straight, and not fall off my heels, right?

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Story about a rich cross dresser seeing a shrink

Last night before bed I was reading a story about a rich cross dresser seeing an MD Shrink. The Shrink was being a real ass and as the story developed, it turned out the cross dresser was actually smarter than him.

The problem is that this morning I can't find the story to finish it. Does anyone have any ideas?

Gwen

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Masculine/feminine writing style

Several years ago, there was a "thing" going round about our writing voices. There was even a test to take and I rated quite feminine in my speech patterns, and actually still have the list of feminine words, pasted on the side of my monitor, that women "supposedly" use. The whole shtik is that women's speech patterns are more tentative and colaborative.

I wonder if any of that makes sense now?

Gwen

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Lost in the Hills of Iowa?

Golly, America is a big place! However, much to my astonishment, I ran into a Muslim woman at a motel in Sherman, Wy. Wow. We hope to be back on line Tuesday night, and how I have missed you all. I simply can't say how little the fact that I am trans and Muslim matters to anyone. Everyone has been so friendly. See ya all later. miss you.

Gwen

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Going Down The Rabbit Hole.

Khadijah Gwendolyn Ellen um Brown here.

Tommorow afternoon, many will notice that BCTS is strangely peaceful and harmonious. I will be off line for about 10 days. I am told the particular Rabbit hole I have chosen will once again emerge in the vicinity of OHIO. We are driving and we hope to make this a grand road trip. My companion has insisted that my "helpless little blonde ditz" personna go into the glove box, and that I assume the role of a competent, adult female, GASP! This is too much for me, what am I to do!

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Story Art

For a while, I have been thinking of having some illustrations in my stories, and if I ever get organized again, I would like to have someone who can do simple Anime do some for me. I'd pay a modest amount for it. If not Anime, then please make a suggestion. It would not have to be anything fancy; certainly not one of those 600 meg drawings. Maybe even just a simple one line pencil drawing. After all sometimes just a mood is all a drawing needs to suggest. It will probably be a couple months before I actually need it. Anyone up for it?

Gwen

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I'm not smart enough or good enough for this.

Tomorrow, I am going to be thrown into the deep end of the pool, and I don't know what to do?

I am supposed to go meet a disabled man who is suicidal, and driving his sister crazy by constantly telling her he wants to kill himself. Yes, the poor guy cared for both his Mom and Pop until they died, Mom was the first and she had Altzheimers, and it sounds like Dad died of a broken heart.

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I Was Hard On Someone Tonight.

I am so sorry, but it had to be that way. I can't tell it any way but straight. I don't want you to hurt more later than what I hurt you now. There is no sugar coating it. We think what we want to think, hear what we want to hear, and do what we want to do. I can not take the responsibility for your life.

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Searching for your roots

This may be of importance to T folk because some of us want to know what is in the public record or are trying to locate loved ones.

Last night I happened upon what I thought was a legitimate service called, "Intelius" for looking at public records, first to see what is in mine and second to hopefully locate two of my children. Much to my surprise, the actual sign up was rife with loops and diversions to entice me to sign up for even more. I thought I was spending $39.95 but by the time I was finished, I paid $69.99.

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Scanners

I have an 80 page manuscript that I just found. It is in Typewritten print. Perhaps I did it on a Typewriter, so that would say before 82'. I also had a scanner that I could scan it in with but I have never liked the program that puts it into a file on the computer.

Has the technology improved so I could go to Kinkos or somewhere and get it done or am I going to intput it myself?

Thanks

Khaduuj

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OMG! My GPS Speaks English!

I got a Garmin NUVI for nearly free, and while I was setting it up I selected English. So imagine my delight when I was driving down the road and it began speaking to me in English. NO, not American English but what they speak in the UK! She speaks in such a commanding tone; almost compelling me to say "Yes Mum" when she has finished.

When she is speaking American English, I feel like I can say "NO" when she gives me directions I don't like, but when espeakin da queens English, I wouldna dare. It would be the ruler on my bottom it would.

Jolly good.

K

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Clothing as a sex toy!

For many years, I was too in the closet to have some fancy jeans, and then when was thrown out of the closet, I was too poor. Last year, in a moment of insanity, I bought some "True Religion" jeans, tried them on once but was still too sore to wear them. So, this spring, having lost the weight that the psych drugs put on, I took them out, and shortened the legs for my size.

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Did being TG save my life?

Well, here is a question for the books.

I have noticed that since my transition, certain physical symptoms have become less troubling. In fact I have all the symptoms of Cystic Fibrosis, and am being checked for it and am wondering if the Estrogen has not in fact caused the easing of my problems?

Khaduuj

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I Know This Russian Spy Think!!!

Trying to figure this out; why would FBI choose to now out harmless Moles who only want to get into the movies? That girl she knows how to distract men!

First I thought it to be shameless distraction from Afghan war that is like fly paper. Then I thought maybe it is to soothe us after Vuvoozas ruined the world cup. Then I decided that it is to reinforce the idea of world threat to us so we could further ruin the ocean with stupid oil spills. But, finally I figured it out!! Yes, I did figure it out despite their crafty deception!!

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Grouply

One of you, or I think it is one of you here has sent me an invitation to join something called "Grouply". My problem with the invitation and so many others is that they want access to my address book, and I feel that my privacy in that regard has been invaded enough.

Now days, I am wondering why I have an address book on my computer at all.

I would really like to talk to you, but I do not think that grouply is the correct medium.

Much peace

Khadijah Gwen

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PTSD and Kinky and being Molested

Someone messed with the radio in my car and rather than my usual Tweeny Pop station, I found myself listening to Public Radio. They were reviewing a book by Jessica Stern called "Denial: A Memoir of Terror. This woman has been to Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, and who knows where else interviewing known terrorists. She says she interviewed 40 of them and in every single case, the boys in the Islamic schools were subjected to sexual assault as a means to control them and to aid in radicalizing them. As she talked to these individuals, every one of them wanted to disgrace the west or their victims.

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Sexual Conversion Therapy

So, anyway, one day I was looking through a pile of free books and I happened upon "Sexual Conversion Therapy", so out of curiosity, I picked it up. I was once a very devout Christian and of course subjected myself to years of praying, anointments, and condemnations, thinking that my problems were of the devil. Finally, coming to my senses, I gave up on that and was forced to accept myself.

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Woman's studies 301

I used to weep and kill my pillow after my shrink said that my emotional development had been arrested. My God, I can't remember her breaking any laws! At the time, she said I was emotionally 12. Oh, God no! I did not want to go through being 12 again. Imagine me driving on busy freeways! Yalla!

So, now she will give me 17! GAH!

That must be why I listen to Shakira, Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, GaGa, Ke$ha, Avril Lavigne and other pop grls.

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Most Americans will get this.

Erin:

I am sorry, I could not resist posting this. I know there is nothing T about this except I really like his beard and he could drag me off to his lair if he wanted to. I'd even tickle his cute little belly! I must be PMSing this morning, been up and down all morning.

http://www.ireport.com/docs/DOC-456247?hpt=C2

K

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