I am re-reading Fleurie's, psychological thriller, "Deception Of Choice", um because I decided to. As it turns out, the story was originally published in the same month that I was originally outed. Being outed was not something that I wanted, but somehow the system propelled me along as surely as being fired out of the torpedo tube of a submarine. I had intended to stay with my family, and hopefully die not that long after the last one married. My job would be complete.

Sophie's state of mind so mirrored my own at the time, that I can now see why I was so drawn to it. Her dismay, resistance and eventual capitulation and final semi surrender so spoke to me at the time. On December 23rd, it will have been 6 years for me since I last spoke to one of my Daughters; the one I favored so much. It has been hard to accomodate, but I have finally accepted that it is unlikely that we will ever speak again. It feels like a black hole within my heart; a pain that I have learned to tolerate, but not ignore.

One would have to be profoundly stuborn or stupid to not eventually go on and make another life for themselve's, and over the last year, flowers have begun to bloom in the blast zone of my psyche, that sometimes feels like the wasteland around Mt St Helens. I'm generally a happy, caring person, who does have melancoly moments from time to time. It has been difficult to turn away from the searing third degree burns in my soul, but there is no other way.

Times walking in a park or on my bicycle are great mind clearers. Living with two room mates, who are supposed to be the well balanced profesional educators, has made it clear to me that some of what I had envisioned as fatal flaws of my own are relatively minor to theirs in comparison. LOL PMS in one of them just wants me to gather up my sleeping bag and flee to the closet. :) Wallah!!!! Living with them has its bright times. I have learned that at my age much red meat is anathema to my body. That lots of green vegetables makes it all come out! LOL And, yes Virginia, one can survive without FoxNEWS ! I have also decided that Jon Stewart should be the next president!

It is a fight and sometimes takes more courage than I feel is there, but it seems to have helped to learn to be a healer, care giver, encourager, and finally mentor to some. It is hard to overcome the fears of being stigmatized as a potential danger to children or an attacker of women in the public restrooms, though there is absolutely no proof or record of our being a danger to anyone as a group. In the end, we are often our own worst critics.

I regard Fleurie's story as one of the works that helped me to survive those first months. Thank you so much.

Much peace. And let me be the first to say to others, "Merry Christmas".

Khadijah Gwendolyn