Tonight I Wept
By
Gwen Brown
Today I felt lost; almost bereft, seeking something that was not in my own heart or in my relationship with what surrounds me. In many, perhaps most ways I feel so blessed. I have a nice place to live. I am not beaten by my husband; forced to stay at home, unable to leave without permission. There will be no stoning for me if someone tells a lie about me. I can vote, and I can drive.
“I am lonely!” I cry out to that which I can not see but that I know is there.
“I gave you two companions, not one”. It quietly speaks to me through my heart.
In my heart, I know that I live like a princess here, where I would likely starve, die of disease, or be killed in a hundred other places.
“I don’t mean to be ungrateful, please forgive me, I need to be held; to be touched; to be comforted. I am sorry to complain. It hurts so much.”
I waited for that which surrounds me to speak once again to my heart. I am still waiting. I will wait patiently and try to learn to bear that which is the life you have given me with grace and gratefulness.
He won’t often speak to me. He knows my heart. I can not number the times when he reads my heart and blesses me without my asking.
“I am sorry my creator. You know my heart. You know the good and the evil which dwells there.”
I know that I am old. I had my chance. I had hoped to not die alone, yet I know that when I pass from this life, it will be into your loving arms.
“I will wait on you silently.”
“Lover of my soul, please take me into your loving arms soon. My soul is weary. I do not like the struggle?”
“You have not learned what I gave you to do”.
“Yes, my Lord”. In my heart, I felt sorrow for wanting to leave before my tasks were finished. Such it is. Life seems too much at times. We think of our own pain and weariness. We forget that we are not here for ourselves, but for the pleasure and will of that which surrounds us.
Inspired by those around me.
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Comments
I cannot begin to thank you for this tonight!
yet I know that when I pass from this life, it will be into your loving arms....
This is as sweet and as encouraging as any psalm or hymn or prayer I have ever read. Thank you!
Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena
Hi Mom...
Dearest Gwen...
I don't know which is worse...being alone by oneself or being alone amidst people. So much of the world we know is crammed full of people who feel what you feel though I've rarely heard it expressed so eloquantly.
May You Have Peace...and Love...
Kelly
I know this pain far more intimately than I would care to...
...and I am scarcely more than half the age of the main character. I try to be patient and trust my creator but that is much easier said than done.
It was my creator who made me, in the first place, an imperfect, broken human being, complete with all of the vulnerability and weakness and limitation that being human comes with. Would my creator bring me into this world as a human being with a limit to what I can endure only to have me dwell outside that limit - or even close to it - indefinitely with nobody to hold me, touch me, comfort me? Would my creator grant no reprieve?
How am I to learn the intended lessons if the pain of my loneliness is so intense as to cloud my mind and drain my motivation to continue - or to care?
I don't understand. To me, this is paradox, a catch-22.
Powerful piece of writing though!
Lisa
This made me cry.
There is so much pain and power in such a short offering. I'm glad of it's length because I'm not sure if we could take it if it was longer. I love this as much as I hate the helpless to make it better feelings I'm having now.
Everyone deserves to be held, to be told that they are special, to feel another heart beating in tune with theirs....Everyone does.
Bailey Summers
"my soul is weary
I have prayed this prayer too. powerful piece hon. thanks for sharing it.
dorothycolleen
Beautiful
Eloquent, Gwen, eloquent!
Portia
Portia
Thank you all for your lovely comments.
I know that we all have our times when discouragement overtakes us, but one of the requirments for being one of us, is that we somehow, inexplicably gain strength from somewhere that allows us to trudge on. Those who do not find that strength are not among us any more, and my heart goes out to them in the most sincere way. We each follow our own path, and I hold nothing against those who have moved on.
There are so many questions about depression and suicide that I can not answer. I will not judge anyone because of it as some who think themselves to be pundits are "wont" to do.
Those of us who concentrate on making our paths easier, I admire.
Gwendolyn
Dear Gwen
You do know how to make an old girl cry.
Memory
I can remember walking down the middle of a busy crowded mall during the holidays almost in tears. How can all these people around me not know, not feel the loneliness that was tearing me apart. I'm 49 and I've spent all but the last 6 alone.
Gwen you spelled out exactly how it feels as the sounds of silence surrounds us. Is it possible to be deafened by it and not hear the comforting words of the one who loves us all? All we have to do is listen, but that's not so easy when you're hurting.
Thank you so much for this!
Hugs!
Grover
Tonight I Wept
Thank you for posting this thought provoking story.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
My Heart to You Sister of My Soul
There's only one passage in any song that has moved me like yours did:
Won't you look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
And I won't make it any other way
Thank you Gwen for reminding me that my Savior neither slumbers nor sleeps and that he knows me better than I know myself. I wish He would speak up a little more though
Beth
Mashallah, I only tried to reflect the pain of many of us.
But, thank you also.
I had been presumptive when I thought that I understood the pain of the cross. I didn't, don't, and likely will not. I took my own losses very hard, whining piteously, so I know something of the pain that T folk, encounter. This was an attempt to empathise with those whose suffering is all too fresh.
Thank you
Khadijah
I think you understand quite well, dear heart.
I thought you expressed for many of us what we so often struggle to put into word. Thank you.
Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena