The moment I opened the door, I heard the heavenly chorus. It was singing what sounded like the Allegri Miserere. I knew the piece having sung it as a boy treble at Bristol Cathedral with the school choir – only this was better than anything our school choir could produce. Its ethereal quality was dreamlike and transcendent.

I was drawn to the area before the giant coloured window, where the sun streamed through, casting coloured shapes upon the walls and the slabs of stone which constituted the floor. As I walked towards the altar, yes, it was an altar, I could hear my heels tapping on the stones echoing through the cavernous building despite the heavenly soundtrack which accompanied me.

Walking towards the window, the light shone upon me and was blinding in its intensity. I covered my eyes as I felt compelled to approach it, and despite the rainbow window, the light which bathed me was white. It felt as if it was streaming straight through the thin white dress I wore, in fact it felt as if it was shining straight through my body. It didn’t feel warm, it was cool possibly even chilling and I should have felt goose-pimples rising on my arms and legs, but the only hair which was rising was that on the back of my neck, along with the electric shivers which ran up and down my spine. What was going on?

I felt afraid and yet thrilled at the same time as if I was about to meet something or someone special. But what? The cathedral like building – it was just too corny for words. ‘I don’t believe in all this stuff’, I kept thinking, yet still the choir kept up their ethereal music, which was beautiful despite my agnosticism.

In my compulsion to approach the altar I couldn’t see anything much at all, the light was so blinding. Then, it seemed to ease, I presume because I’d walked into the penumbra afforded by the wall under the window. I could see a figure standing before the altar whose back was towards me.

I stood before the altar and the figure who was wearing a white robe with a hood turned and I felt sick. “Hello, Cathy.”

“Ch — Charlie?” I said to myself, because the figure before me was me, only it wasn’t me – if you see what I mean.

“You look well,” said Charlie. “In fact, you’re beautiful.”

“You look awful,” I said, without it meaning to be an insult; he looked so pale and drawn.

“I never could compete with you, could I? You were always going to win.”

“I didn’t know that. In fact, I didn’t think I’d ever be myself ––”

“No, just imprisoned by me – a pale imitation of life. Why did you hate me so much?”

“Charlie, I didn’t hate you. I loved you, I just couldn’t be you – however much I tried.”

“You killed our mother.”

“What do you mean?”

“The shock of what you were doing – it killed her and caused Dad to have a stroke.”

I was crying as I stood before myself, feeling this anger and guilt being heaped upon me. “I didn’t kill, Mummy, she came to me after she died.”

“Like I am?”

“You’re not dead, Charlie, you’re part of me.”

“If that’s so, why aren’t you part of me?”

“I am.”

“It doesn’t feel like that.”

“It’s true, wherever I go, you’ll be there too.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Charlie, how can it not be so? You were me and I am you, we are each other.”

“No, I don’t want to be some stupid girl.”

“You don’t have a choice.”

“Yes, I do – I’m a boy, a boy dammit, not some stupid girl.”

“Charlie, we are one.” I held out my arms to embrace him.

“No, I don’t want this.”

“You can’t exist without me; you are me and I am you.”

“Yes I can, I was here first – I was here for twenty years before you came along.”

“Did you? I was there with you, growing stronger by the hour.”

“Eating away at me like some cancer, devouring me.”

“Charlie, I didn’t want this to happen, but it did. We were both in the same body only one of us was destined to succeed….”

“That was me, me.” He sank to his knees and cried out as if in pain.

“If I could give you back this body, I would.” I could feel his pain as if it was a fire burning away inside me, consuming my very being. I knelt with him and we embraced.

“You’d give it back to me, and go away … forever?”

“If I could – I’ve known your pain through my own, I wouldn’t want anyone to suffer it.”

“You’d be prepared to give up your claim to my body?”

“It was our body, Charlie, but as you seem to need it more than I do, yes I’d give it to you.”

“Promise?”

“If that’s what it takes, then that’s what I shall do.”

“I thought you hated me?”

“No Charlie, I loved you but not in a way you could understand, maybe this will help you to do that?”

“You loved me?”

“I still do.”

“What about your so-called children?”

“I hope Simon and Stella and Tom, will take care of them – at this moment your pain is paramount and I need to heal it.”

“Even if it kills you?”

“Yes. Be whole and be free – I give myself to you.” I felt myself collapse and fall to the cold stone floor.

As I felt myself growing fainter and fainter, I felt his strong arms pick me up and lift me on to the altar. Whether the sun had risen or not, I don’t know but I was suddenly bathed in the most wonderful light.

“Cathy, I can’t let you leave your children, I just can’t. Go back to your children, raise them as best you can. I love you. Now go.”