Wuthering Dormice (aka Bike) Part 756 by Angharad

“How did the police know about me?” I asked Tom as he drove me home.

“I saw you drive off and got worried. When I saw you hadn’t left a note, I got very worried and called them.”

“Oh!” grassed up by my own family.

“Cathy, I lost one daughter, I couldnae bear to lose anither. I’d rather die mesel’.”

“You? But I’d need you to help Simon look after the girls.”

“Cathy, get real, will ye, if anythin’ happen’d tae ye, the social services would tak’ the girls back immediately.”

“No!” I shouted and banged the dashboard, “they mustn’t! Those girls would be so unhappy.”

“Don’t ye think they’d be unhappy if anythin’ happen’d tae ye?”

“I’m sure they’d cope.”

“Cathy, please for all oor sakes, please dinnae dae anythin’ tae yersel’, it wid kill me.”

Goodness, is he just bluffing me or is he serious. Crikey, he’s crying. Tom doesn’t cry – he must be serious. He’s such a kindly old man, I’d hate to hurt him. Dammit, why does life always get you in these double binds?

“Okay, Daddy, I won’t,” for now anyway.

“Whit possessed ye tae even contemplate daein’ anythin’?”

“I don’t know, maybe I’m just tired of this masquerade.”

“Whit masquerade?” he rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.

“Pretending I’m something I’m obviously not.”

“Whit’s that?”

“Pretending I’m a woman – what else?”

“Och ye’re nae still on aboot that are ye?”

“It happens to be important to me.”

“But it isnae true, ye are a woman. Ye hae tae be, only a woman would even doubt it. No man would even think of it.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, but it’s what goes on up here,” I pointed to my head, “that matters – and it tells me different.”

“Cathy, I dinnae ken whit’s wrang wi’ ye, but ye’re nae thinking straight. If ye weren’t a woman don’t ye think yon girls wid hae telt ye? Widnae Stella hae noticed, an’ whit aboot Simon, fer God’s sake lassie, ye’ve made love wi’ him. I ken he’s a bit daft at times, but I’m sure he’d hae noticed if he wis makin’ love wi’ a man. Besides, I’m a biologist tae, an’ I ken the difference frae men an’ women.”

He was trying so hard, but I wasn’t going to listen to him. I knew what was what, and that was that. We arrived back at Tom’s house. Stella was up and I was concerned about waking up the children. They watched while I took the two tablets and Stella watched as I got into bed. “Will you promise me that you won’t try and run off again?”

“Tonight I will. Go to bed Stella, you look exhausted.”

“Cathy, I need your promise that you won’t do anything without saying goodbye to me in person first.”

“I can’t give you that promise.”

“If you do anything to yourself, then I may well follow you to hell.”

“There is no such place, Stella – when we’re dead that’s it – end of story, end of pain.”

“Just think on this, Catherine Watts – if you kill yourself, I will follow you and make anything in this life a thousand times harder in the next.”

“There is no next life.”

“I don’t give a shit! You listen to me you stupid cow, I will pursue you and punish you until the end of time – think about that, and think about the whys – three little girls who call you their mother. Whether you consider yourself a woman or not, is totally and utterly irrelevant – it’s what they think that counts and all three of them have been let down by so called mothers – it’s how you got the job – remember?. If you hurt those children – you’ll regret it, I swear you will.”

“I love them, Stella – I love you all.” I burst into tears and the tigress who was threatening me sat on the bed and hugged me.

“So why are you even thinking of doing something stupid?”

“I can’t cope with this deception any longer.”

“What deception? Cathy, please believe me, you are as female as I am. If it wasn’t true don’t you think I’d tell you. I helped lift the scales from your eyes before, please believe me – you are female, if you can’t see that – then – then go see an optician because your eyes must be defective.”

“Thanks for your support and for caring.” I hugged her and we were both crying.

“Oh shit, move over I’ll sleep here tonight, I need to feel a warm body next to mine.”

“What if Puddin’ wakes up?”

“She’ll scream loud enough to wake me, don’t you worry.”

We lay down together, Stella spooned around the outside of me, holding on tightly to me. “Good night,” I said as I felt sleep overwhelming me.

“Good night, Sis,” I heard her say as I drifted off into darkness.

I woke up with a sense of something having been lifted off me. I couldn’t tell you what it was, but my heart felt lighter. I looked at the clock, it was eleven and the sun was streaming in through the edges of the curtains. I sat up and got out of bed, then showered and dressed.

Downstairs, Stella was feeding Puddin’. “How do you feel?” she asked me.

“Okay, I think – yourself?”

“I’m knackered, some idiot kept me awake half the bloody night.”

I blushed, “Yeah, I’m sorry about that.”

“If you feel better, I suppose it’s worthwhile.”

“I hope so, but don’t take that as gospel.” I looked around, “Where are the girls?”

“Simon came home and took them off for a couple of days.”

“What – and no one woke me?”

“We did try, you told us to eff off.”

I blushed again, “Oh, did I? Sorry about that.”

“S’okay.”

“Where’s he taken them?” I began to worry.

“Up to Hampstead, don’t worry, they’re perfectly safe – Monica won’t eat them.”

“Why? I mean why has he taken them?”

“I’d have thought that was obvious.”

“No it isn’t.”

“To give you a break.”

“Oh. Where’s Tom?”

“Gone to his doctor.”

“His doctor?”

“Yes, your antics last night brought on an angina attack.”

I felt myself grow smaller and wished the floor would open and swallow me. “I hope he’s alright.”

“It’s a bit late for that if he isn’t.” Stella wasn’t pulling her punches.

“I’m sorry, okay? The only one I wanted to hurt last night was me, okay?”

“Cathy, can’t you get it into your thick stupid skull – we are a family, if one is hurt we all feel the pain. You are the sun around whom we all orbit. If you go out, there is only darkness left – now do you understand?”

“No one is that important, surely?”

“Maybe it’s a unique characteristic of this family, but it happens to be true.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“Is it? Many families revolve around the mother figure – she holds them together. You’re the mother figure here – sorry, an’ all that, if you don’t like it, but that’s how it is.”

“But I can’t be; the mother is…”

“Oh stop all that crap, Cathy, you’re female – too bad if you don’t like it, you should have told me before I pushed you through the portal, but it was a one way trip and you are stuck here, girl. So if I were you, I’d get used to it. Now, to more serious matters, are you going to stand there all day or are you going to put the kettle on?”