Winnowing Duckweed (aka Bike) Part 601 by Angharad

The roast lamb was delicious, so much so that I saved four more portions from it and shoved them in the fridge, to nuke in the microwave in a day or two–it would save me cooking.

Tom knew that something was up, as Trish and I kept looking at each other over dinner and saying very little. So after I got the girls ready for bed, he took them up to read a story. I got on with clearing up my kitchen which looked like a bomb site.

He came into the kitchen, bade me make myself a cup of tea and him a coffee then asked me to sit. “Okay, Cathy, jes whit is goin’ on between ye an’ Trish?”

“Um, yeah, you noticed?”

“I may be old but I’m nae blind.”

“Um, of course–she knows.”

“Kens whit?”

“About me, my change of gender.”

“Och, is that all?”

“Is that all?” I couldn’t believe my ears, I burst into tears, “If it’s obvious to a four year old, what chance do I have of convincing anyone above that age?”

“Aye, but she’s a canny wee thing.”

“I’m being out thought by a four year old, Daddy.”

“I’m nae surprised.”

“How am I supposed to rear her if she knows more about me than I do about her? I’m supposed to be the adult in the relationship.”

“Aye, that’s true enough.”

“I so wanted her to see me as a normal female, a normal mother, so she could learn to relate to women and become one herself as she grew up.”

“Why can’t she now?”

“I don’t know, I feel a failure.”

“So yer goin’ off on one of yer downers again, are ye? Woe is me, an’ all that stuff.”

“What? No, I was just stating a fact, I failed in providing her with a normal role model.”

“How can you say that? She’s only been with us a short time, already she sees you as the most wonderful mither she’s ever had, and Simon as a functional faither, when he’s here. Both the girls have landed on their feet in coming to you; you love them as much as if they were your own, and spoil them rotten.”

“So do you,” I accused back.

“I’m allowed to, I’m the grandparent.” I poked my tongue out at him and he smiled smugly back at me. “All you need to do is control your tantrums, and you’ll be the perfect mither.”

“Yeah, sure. You know, she asked if Simon knew, because if he didn’t she wouldn’t have told him.”

“How d’ye know?”

“She told me.”

“My, she’s a canny one, that lassie. Ye’ll hae tae watch oot, or she’ll be running rings around ye.”

“She already does,” I sighed and sipped my tea. He chuckled.

“So whit difference is this goin’ tae make?”

“I don’t know, I suspect she’s been formulating it for a while now. I took her in the shower with Mima and me, this morning, she was giving my body a good look over.”

“But yer body is quite feminine in shape.”

“Yes, I know, I’m incredibly lucky, my hips actually broadened a bit when I took the oestrogen, I suppose I never had a male puberty, so it was all sort of on hold.”

“So whit’s the problem?”

“I think I’m still in shock about it all, I didn’t see it coming.”

“But ye’ve been busy with Stella an’ the bairn, not to mention Henry an’ me.”

“I suppose. I wish I knew what to do.”

“Aboot whit?”

“About everything. I feel as if my whole life is now undermined.”

“Whit are ye bletherin’ aboot? Yer life is exactly the same, except you have a deeper understanding with yer eldest bairn. So jes how is it, undermined?”

I felt the tears back, he was right, he always bloody is, and I’m always wrong. If I say that, he’ll take me to task for it. I pretended to accept everything he said, while I held my own thoughts in private. I could see how Stella could feel usurped by me, I was beginning to feel it with Trish. I don’t see her as a rival, just as someone cleverer and bolder than I am, who will keep me on my toes more than a pair of stilettos.

“Come on, lassie, away to yer bed an’ get some rest.”

“I think I will, Daddy.” I pecked him on the cheek and went upstairs, I felt totally exhausted and my legs were like lead weights. I went straight to the bathroom, washed and cleaned my teeth, then after changing got into bed only to discover a little body already in there. Thankfully, it was fast asleep although when I settled down I felt some little arms clasp itself to me like a limpet. I wasn’t sure how I felt about all of this. Really I should put her back in her own bed, mainly in case Mima should wake up in the night she has company and is more likely to stay in her own bed.

However, I didn’t take Trish back to her own bed, I was too tired and preoccupied with my own thoughts which were spinning around my brain like whirligig beetles. I was conscious of the warm little body that was tucked into the back of me, then I suppose I must have slept.

I had a horrible dream, I was in the shower with Trish and she had a fanny but somehow my willie had regrown and I was trying to hide the fact and signally failing, because she kept giving me knowing looks or dropping sharp remarks. I was quite glad when Mima got into bed on the other side of me and I knew I’d been dreaming.

We all overslept the next morning, so maybe my restlessness disturbed Trish as well. Mima our usual alarm clock slept on as well. I hoped she wasn’t going down with something.

I had sent a text to Simon, telling him that Trish knew everything. About nine, I was awoken by a diesel engine in the drive and the doorbell ringing and the dog barking. It was a bouquet of flowers from Simon, with the caption–‘So what? I know everything too, and still love you. Love Simon xxx.’ I decided not to show Trish the card.

I got us washed and dressed and eventually breakfasted. Tom took the girls out for a walk with Kiki, they seemed to enjoy his walks, I’d have to check he wasn’t giving them too many sweets. He said not, but I didn’t necessarily believe him.

I went to the hospital and zapped Puddin’ then spent some time with Stella. She seemed a little brighter and I persuaded her to have a little walk with me. We only went up and down the corridor a few times, but it was some exercise and she said she felt better afterwards. I got her to eat a hot cross bun with a cuppa and then left, calling by Henry on the way.

I told him about Trish and her deductions, he was suitably impressed. “So, she’s going to be bright and beautiful–just like her mother, eh?”

I blushed but riposted, “I don’t know, I haven’t met her mother.” He gave me a wry smile and mouthed, ‘touché’.