Grandma is here and I’m in the bathroom getting some makeup on for my appointment with Dr. Anne Akers. “Grams, can I ask what you did wrong that my parents had an injunction, against you seeing me alone?”

Grandma says, “It was that you became close to me and I was not upset with seeing yourself as a girl. Your parents wanted me, ‘say no’ to you being a girl. That I was supportive of seeing you as a girl was not acceptable to them. Your Dad only wanted you to be a son as he saw you. Being a boy was not enough for him. You were to be his boy.” Grandma giggled, “I guess in a sick way, he did pretty well; he raised a damn good quarterback, even if he’s a girl.”

“But Grammy, even when I did that he was still mad at me.”

Grams corrects me, “A person gets ‘angry’, and an animal gets ‘mad’. Your Dad was angry.”

“Grams, Dad was so angry, he was mad. A dad shouldn’t be like that to his child.” My voice beings to break, “Grams, he’d slap the back of my head with that ring he wears. I woke up on the floor more than once. I’ll always see his mad ugly face in mine making me so scared that I had to do what he said.”

Grams came into the bathroom to give me a hug and hold me. I’m trembling and slowly calm down as she holds me, I knew she felt the bump on the back of my head. Gram draws back, “Do you mind if I help clean your face and help with your makeup?” I watch closely, afraid it would look like Gram makeup.

Grams says, “I should have had a lawyer. I never believed a judge would place an injunction against me seeing you. When he did, I screamed at the judge. He said I proved his point.” Grams and I both hug at that point.

It is time to see Dr. Akers, Nurse Collins walks me to a conference room they used. I smile at seeing Dr. Anne again. It has been since before football season that I had been to an appointment.

Dr. Anne has a big grin that she is fighting back something as she sees me. “Well, Elaine did someone force you to dress like this, or was it freely your choice to do so?”

I turned fully around, “You know very well that I dressed like this. This is me, you have helped me so many times to make it to today. So what do you think?”

She begins to speak and I interrupt, “Don’t give me that crap that ‘It’s how I see myself that is important’. I know how I see me. I asked what you think.”

Anne is amused as she has me sit down. “You look like the very pretty girl, you thought resided in you.” She pauses, “Please tell me about what happened that has you in a hospital away from your home?”

"Our school won a football game with my help to reach the State Play-offs. My Dad did not like the fact that I let Elaine show some. He had been hitting me again, sometimes in public, more when people weren’t around. I was tired of it. I played hard even though I was hurt, but it wasn’t enough. He embarrassed me in front of others once too many times. I left the restaurant, got my stuff, and left. I was hoping at least my Mom would miss me, hopefully, my Dad.”

“I got to Grandma’s when she wasn’t home, and I hid away in her house. She realized the next day I was there. I think I could have hidden away so they didn’t find me. But I didn’t want Grams to get in trouble because of me.” I smile, “When others came for me, I snuck out and presented myself to a Deputy Sheriff from here.”

Dr. Anne asks, “Was that your idea?”

“Yes, I did it myself, no one insisted I do that.”

Anne asks, “What do you think about being a girl?”

“I like it very much, but I think, I’ve always been me. It kind of stinks that I am this old and don’t know what to do at times. Even my girlfriends know me more as Bryce. How are they going to get to know me, with me being here? If I’m with Grams, I can’t go to my school. If I go to my school, where can I live and be safe from my dad?”

Dr. Anne says, “You are going to need to be patient and not act up as you wait. It might get frustrating. Do you think you can be patient?”

I looked out a window and see, Rhonda and her mother walking across the parking lot. Dr. Anne asks, “What has your attention now?”

I tell her, “I saw Rhonda Adams and her mother come across the parking lot. I didn’t expect anyone to come this far to see me!”

Dr. Anne, “She and her mother must think a lot of you. Have they seen Elaine before?” I had changed at Rhonda’s a little and she and her family have been supportive. I’m not sure what I should admit to.

Dr. Anne says, “Would you mind if I walk you back to your room and meet them? They don’t need to know I am a Psychologist. The hospital has many doctors. I will have Nurse Collins or someone to take you back if you’d rather go back without me.”

I grab her hand, “I don’t want you to say a lot about me. But sure, I’d like to share you with them.”

I gave Rhonda a big hug as I got back to my room. Her Mom introduces herself to Grandma, Dr. Akers, and a nurse who is there. “Hi, I’m Catherine Adams and this is my daughter Rhonda.” I introduce Grandma and Dr. Akers. Then from behind me, I hear, “And I’m Karen Hart.”

I hadn’t seen Karen come across the parking lot, nor did I see her behind the door. I was both excited and scared as Bryce always liked Karen. I never thought I had a chance with Karen as Bryce, even less of a chance as Elaine.

Karen said, “I didn’t mean to scare you. Don’t you remember asking for my sweater? It was obvious to us girls that you had on a bra Friday night. Rhonda explained where and from whom you got it.”

I had needed to go to the bathroom when I came back from being with Dr. Akers. Now with the surprise, it is a necessity and I run for the bathroom. I push to door to close behind me. I quickly pull down my panties and up my skirt as I sit to pee.

I hear a giggle and look up to see there is a crack between the door and frame. Rhonda and Karen are looking at me. The door however soon is pushed closed.

After I am done, back together and cleaned up, I come back out into my room. Dr. Akers says, “You need to be more mindful of your privacy.” She asks, “Is it alright if I stay and visit for maybe ten minutes?”

She sits in a folding chair, Rhonda, Karen, and I sit on the edge of the bed. It had been neatly made up since I left for my appointment. Grams and Mrs. Adams have the two padded chairs.

Dr. Akers says, “I’m Anne. You girls don’t seem worried Bryce is dressed here as Elaine. How is it you knew to ask for Elaine’s room?”

Rhonda’s the first to speak, “I came to know of Elaine over a month ago when Bryce and I were both out running across the golf course. I saw he was wearing panties when he was tying his running shoes. I talked to her into coming back to my house to talk. My mom, my sister, dad, even a best friend now know.”

Rhonda, “I don’t know, you hear there are students like Elaine. I know others who are gay, I guess I just don’t see it as a big deal. Jennifer’s in his grade, she kind of knew yet didn’t, if that makes sense.” Dr. Anne is her clam self and listening, but she has softened. She is more like a person, not just a doctor. She looks at Karen as to invite her to speak.

Karen says, “Bryce hasn’t changed much over the years we’ve been in school. It’s just this fall he’s gotten the courage to show Elaine. I had just thought he had fine features like his sister. …I and my younger cousin Pam were two of Bryce’s fans. I came to know of Elaine through Rhonda’s sister Jenn. It wasn’t a stretch for me as I had already dressed Bryce in my mind. It’s like now knowing Elaine’ I have a name for her. My attraction was to Bryce and being attracted to a boy.”

“Did you know he put on my cheerleader's sweater after they won the game? He even wore it when we went to celebrate.” Karen and Rhonda both cuddle me, giving me a kiss on each cheek.

Grams asks, “You mean Bryce wore your sweater out in public?”

Rhonda giggles, “By the time Bryce got out of the car to go in and celebrate at the diner. He was wearing my bra under her sweater. It might not have been noticeable especially to the guys, but several of us girls knew. I’ve already seen Elaine is attractive enough as a girl. If Elaine decides this is who she is she’ll get even better with experience.”

True to her word Dr. Akers excused herself, though I encouraged her to stay longer.

Karen says, “I brought some homework and reading for you. Will you be back in school yet this week?”

“I’m not sure. I’ll probably be staying with my Grandma this week. I don’t know where I would live if I came back to school. One thing I know my football playing this year is over.”

Karen says, “Well dah, between your injuries and being a girl of course it is.”

Rhonda says, “She was Elaine and injured last week. That didn’t stop her or them the last game. Charlie Devers was even ready then. He better play this week if Jack can’t play the full game. Even if Bryce would be foolish enough to suit up for the game.”

I say, “Thanks a lot Rhonda. You think I was foolish playing and that I’d do it again?”

Rhonda says, “And tell me I’m wrong that you wouldn’t be tempted? I was impressed, you showed them what a girl like you can do. Foolish might not be the right word, but you end up doing what your father always wants.”

Grandma says, “Well, I’m proud of how she’s played. However, I am glad playing the next game and this season is out of the question. I saw one game though when I was there.”

She pauses, “I’m sure if she stays with me; she won’t be going to her school. Right now, my biggest concern is her safety and then her grades.”

Catherine Adams addresses Grams, “If she needs a place to stay in our community. She could stay with us at least through this semester. I’d want a stay against Elaine’s father and anyone belligerent towards her. If it were Bryce to return to school, I’d probably still say yes.”

I saw the time and pressed the call light button. When someone responded, I ask, “Would it be okay if my friends go get something to eat and we eat together in the lounge?”

The person responds, “I will have to check and see.”

Grams looks at Mrs. Adams, saying, “Elaine, it is nice they came to visit you. It’s already going to be dark when they get home.”

“Mrs. Newton if you’re going to eat with Elaine, we could stay too. I’d probably stop and get something to eat. I don’t like driving during the rush hour. We could go get something to bring back, even for you. That way, you’d have some time alone with your granddaughter.”

Grams and I are both happy. They’re going to get Chinese after Grams tells them what she wants.

Once we are alone Grams says, “Well, I am impressed with the friends you made. They are nice and are willing to be there for you. Tell me, if you get the choice would you like to go back to your school? Or would you like a fresh start whether it is Elaine or Bryce?”

“I’d like to be me, Elaine that is, but I’m not sure if I’m brave enough. If I can stay with you what school would I be going too?”

Grams says, “It would be Stronghold High. Your cousins Chase and Heather both go here for high school. Heather might even be in the same grade. Trevor goes to Stronghold but he’s a junior high student.”

I ask, “Grams if I tried going back to my school, would you be upset that I didn’t stay here with you?”

Grams is quiet, thinking. “I’m sorry Grams, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Grams raises a finger, “Patience, don’t guess what I’m thinking. You as kids want an instant reply and it doesn’t usually work like that. …I like what I saw and heard from Mrs. Adams but I don’t really know her yet. And neither of us knows what the courts or anyone else will say. Thursday, I believe something with the court is being set up for Thursday. I don’t know if you’ll be here then or at my house.”

It was close to an hour before the Adams and Karen are back. Nurse Morgan had kept my food tray warm until they’re back. My piece of chicken, green beans, and fries are okay but not as good as their Chinese.

Rhonda ate, scooting closer to me and pulled a pair of tweezers from her purse. She had me turn toward her saying, “There are some eyebrow hairs that need to come out.”

“I am surprised they let you do that here.” By the time the Aide comes back into pick up my tray Karen is working on my nails and Rhonda is on my other eye. The aide says, “You are nice and patient. I didn’t think they’d get any more than two pulls before you stopped them. They are doing a nice job of not going too far.”

I say, “I’m surprised you’d let them do it.”

The Aide responds, “On this floor, we call this therapy. How a woman thinks of herself as a good sign about how she’s feeling.”

Eventually, they and Grams go home.

It is late before Dr. Pat Owen makes her rounds and stops in to see me. “Hello Elaine, it sounds like you had a good day. Dr. Akers reports she had a good visit. Your Grandma has been here and even two friends and a Mrs. Adams from your community came to see you.”

“How are you feeling after a long day like that?” Dr. Owens sits and I sit across from her.

I tell her, “I am doing well. It was good to see Dr. Akers again. She even took the time to visit my friends and Grandma. Several people asked and I’m wondering too about school. And where I’m going to live.”

Dr. Owens asks, “And where would you like to live and go to school?”

“I like the idea of living with Grandma Newton, but I’d also like to go to my school at least the rest of this semester.” She asks and I explain. “Well if I went and lived with the Adams family and finished this semester. I wouldn’t lose this semester or my grades. Grams says if I live with her I’ll be going here to the Stronghold High School.”

If I finished this semester at my school; it would allow me to see how I’m treated back there. If I get time with Grams, maybe I can find out if my cousins here are comfortable with me being Elaine. Grams didn’t indicate if they know about me being Elaine.”

Dr. Owens asks, “So are you wanting to go to school as Elaine when you return to school?”

“Part of me will be afraid, but yes, I want to get on with being me. My friend Rhonda said something I liked. She says, ‘I already make an attractive girl. And she said I should get even better with experience.’”

Dr. Owens says, “I agree you are an attractive young woman. What do you think would improve with time and experience?”

I say, “Well part of it would be just getting better with my appearance. I'm not always assured what to wear with what. I’d hope to be able to have hormone therapy to look more like the girl I feel like. …And then when someone sees me as a girl, I’m kind of scared that they expect me to know something normal for girls to know, but I don’t.”

“Elaine, if everything goes well on Thursday, and you are permitted to either live with the Adams or Grandma. I’d like to start you on a low dose of hormones. I wouldn’t call it hormone therapy just yet. It would be to find out how your body reacts to it. I would like to take things one step at a time.”

“One of the things I ask is if you start back to school as Elaine. That you are ready to stay as Elaine long enough to gain the perspective to know yourself as Elaine. Don’t seek to prove anything to anyone else, your goal should be to learn for you. Now tell me in your words, what I am asking. Then tell me again what you want to do?”

I say, “I think you’re asking if I go back to school as Elaine; like now that I’d do it through the end of the semester, and if I do it the next semester that I intend to do it through the school year. Taking the good and bad, experiencing what it’s like to be a girl, or for people to see me as transgender. That I need to do it long enough to have a realistic idea of what I’m deciding? I think Grams and Rhonda and her mother have been saying pretty much the same thing.”

“My sister pretty much believes, I’m her sister. She’s just afraid for me, especially at home with my dad.”

“Good,” Dr. Pat says, “Tomorrow you will be speaking to a court-appointed advocate. I've asked for Marie Tull, but I’m not sure if she’ll be appointed to you.” There’s a knock on my door and another woman steps in, “Yes, she’ll have me as her court advocate.”

While Marie and Dr. Owen are greeting each other, I ask, “What does a Court Advocate do and why do I need one?”

Marie says, “Thursday your folks will likely have a lawyer advocating their position as your parents to decide what’s good for you. The prosecutor is out to prove you’re at risk and that’s why you asked a deputy for protection. While two parties are trying to prove their case, they may not fully have your interest at heart. That is where I come in.”

"Even if it is decided you’ve been abused or would be at risk if you went home. The county or state might be planning to place you someplace less than helpful. Being androgynous and/or transgender brings special needs medically and personally for you, now and down the road. You should not assume others have those needs and you as their prime interest. God forbid the courts would decide to send you home. I would still be advocating for ongoing contact to make sure you would be safe.”

Frightened I ask, “You don’t think they would decide that do you?”

Marie sits next to me, calmly saying, “No. I do not, but some decisions have been reached that I never expected. I believe the judge we will have Thursday takes very seriously the needs of children. But both parties are going to advocate that you are a teen and not a little child. As such you can take care of yourself with little to no help.”

“When I saw the information on you, the issues with your identity are not the only things that drew my attention. You are a student with good potential. I want to advocate for your education beyond high school.” She says, “Your intelligence has not always shown up in your grades. It seems people are assuming you’re just another student.”

“Dr. Owens, if it is alright, I would like to meet alone with Elaine for a half-hour tonight. I’ll be back again tomorrow. Please have on the patient’s chart that I will want two hours set aside to meet with Elaine.”

I was happy to come to know Marie, but I wasn’t sure why it warranted a visit tonight and tomorrow. She said it would allow us to be comfortable with each other.

Dad’s lawyer came by early the next morning. He wanted to assure me that he spoke to my Dad and my Dad was sorry. He wants me home because he loves me. He said that I really hurt my Mom and I should be thinking first of her. He wasn’t listening to anything I said. I knew him and he was a close buddy of my Dad’s.

An Assistant County Attorney came saying she was given my case. She said it was a simple open and shut case that should be decided in my favor. She said Human Services and not the courts should be deciding my placement. The need now was to keep me safe from my parents and other things can be decided once all the information is in. I was glad she was confident from the reports of the doctors. But I did not hear squat, anything, about what they were recommending.

I was glad at one o’clock in the afternoon when Marie Tull came. She put a small anklet on me saying it was a security device. Truth is, it looks like jewelry. Marie says, “We’re going shopping and I want your cooperation. Will I have it?”

I was a little upset, “Aren’t we going to make sure, we’re ready for tomorrow?”

Marie smiles, “Though you’re Elaine much of your life you’ve lived as Bryce. I believe you are going to be more comfortable in our visit if you’re doing something.”

I told her, “I already asked if I could go out and they said, No!”

She says, “Well, I have their permission. I would like to get going and not use our time determining if we can or not.”

I could go dressed as I was, but I needed my shoes, and touch up my hair and makeup. It took me a good thirty minutes to get ready as I changed my mind a few times. I guess I’m more than a little nervous.

Marie had to sign me out and I had to sign that I was going willingly and felt safe with Ms. Marie Tull. We went to a store I usually walked by because it was more expensive. The first skirt I try on was different, but I wasn’t sure how so. It felt fantastic. The skirt went to my knees. It fit like a glove as the saleswoman said it would. It was harvest gold, more cheery than most. I tried on three white blouses in differing styles. The first two had me thinking they would all be the same. The third blouse was pretty on the hanger, but it was poorly cut and did not look good on me.

I tried ten skirts, buying the first one and a black skirt that flared out. We purchased a white satin blouse that looked plain on the hanger but its simplicity made it beautiful when I wore it. A deep red blouse with leaves of differing fall colors was chosen by Marie. She bought me a delicate chemise that works as a slip under the white blouse.

We were ready to leave when someone called, “…Marie, wait I need to talk to you?”

Marie said, “We don’t need to wait. That is my niece Aubrey.” I slowed up to Marie’s dismay and Aubrey caught up to us.

“Aunt Marie, if I didn’t know better I’d say you were avoiding me.”

I chimed in, “She was but that’s because I’m one of her clients. I think it is one of those privacy things, but I was the one who allowed you to catch us, not her.”

Aubrey introduced herself, “I’m Aubrey Tull, and Marie’s my Dad’s youngest sister. I’m sorry, I should have known.”

I smile saying, “You don’t need to leave on my behalf unless you’re afraid I’ll bite.”

Aubrey likes Elaine’s spirit, smiled and we introduced each other. Elaine hugged Aubrey and asked, “Do you go to the Stronghold High School” I smile when she indicates she does. I then ask, “How would the students react if one of the girls at the school, was a transgender girl?”

Aubrey looks to her Aunt and then to me. “Most would accept her like they’d accept you or me. I don’t know much about transgendered girls. My understanding is they’re a girl yet somehow different. If she were my friend; I’d want to take time to know her.”

Elaine says, “I know her and she might transfer here next semester. Next year would be her senior year. She’s not sure she wants to change schools this close to graduation.”

Aubrey shakes her head, “I am not good at speaking around things. If you’re the girl? I’d be your friend and help you to be accepted.”

I’m filled with emotion: joy and being anxious to have another friend. “Oh thank you, thank you, Aubrey. I didn’t want to offend you if you’d had been uncomfortable with me.”

I turn to Marie, “I think we just solved a major world problem. We can go if you want.”

Marie turned to Aubrey, “I might see you later, even possibly stay overnight.”

Aubrey responds, “You mean, you might not be staying with your doctor friend. I thought you and her were supposed to be on a vacation already.”

Marie says, “She asked me to do a favor, we’re still getting away.”

Elaine has not been out shopping before as a girl. She’s surprised later when nurses finishing their shift come by, wanting to see the clothes she purchased. More surprised that meant modeling one of her outfits.

Grams came by later and was happily surprised that Elaine had been out shopping and two outfits were bought for her.

Dr. Pat soon came by with Marie Tull, which was good. Elaine had a question of Marie, “I thought we were going to visit today in preparation for tomorrow, but we didn’t?”

Marie waves three or four sheets of paper. “I told you it might be better we visit while we did things. Here, you and I can look over the information shared today to make sure I got things correct. If there is something you think we missed or want me to know please share. We’ll take the needed time.”

Elaine asks, “Dr. Owens are you going on vacation tomorrow or the next day?” Marie shakes her head, knowing Elaine is taking an educated guess.

Dr. Owen says, “Not tomorrow but the next day. How did you know that?” Elaine went off reading the information sheets she was given by Marie.

The next day starts busy getting prepared to go to court. A Deputy Sheriff has come to pick me up and to escort me to court. Marie asks instead, “Why don’t you drive over to the courthouse and we’ll meet you there. She isn’t on trial.”

The Deputy asks me, “Elaine are you comfortable with that arrangement?” I nodded yes. The Deputy asks, “Elaine, do you promised not to try running away? If not I will need to put an ankle monitor on you.”

I say, “I think this decorative anklet serves the same purpose. But I’m not planning on running anyplace anyway.”

Once we’re all in the courtroom and the judge is present; the bailiff asks all to rise and take an oath. The court is in session…

Story to be continued…