I’m scheduled of meet with Dr. Anne Akers tomorrow and with everything going on it is a welcomed appointment. I will go with Grandma Newton, so Mom Adams won’t have to take off from work to take me. Grandma and I talked about my helping Karen. Instead of reflecting on the responsibility, we’re talking about my enjoying my time with Karen. Our friendship has grown by leaps and bounds the past weeks being with Karen in ways I would not have dreamed.

I am a good student but Karen is an excellent student. Even with missing class, she is ahead of me in three of the classes we have in common. She has been correcting me on how I use the wrong words, because they sound like the words I should be using. My ego’s upset about that until she proofreads a report I was to hand in. Many of my reports come back with corrections or just marks that I said something was wrong. This report was the first I got back from Mr. Granger with an A. Only once before had I received anything as high as a B.

Sliding in and out of cars as a girl is now pretty natural for me. “Grandma something has changed the past two weeks. Well maybe longer, but I’m noticing I’m different. There are physical things like how my outfits fit me. My panties are being stretched in a nice way. I think my breast fill my bras better if you know what I mean.”

Grandma asks, “Interesting, are there other things inside of you that have changed?”

I say, “I don’t know if this counts, but my tastes are changing. I now like to eat more foods, even some things I didn’t like before. The other day I passed the boys’ toilet and the smell was repulsive. I don’t mind a guy being a little sweaty, but there are times they become disgusting because they… well more of their smells and behaviors are becoming gross to me.”

Grandma asks again, “Elaine are you beginning to see the high school boys in a different way?”

“Grammy!” I pause as I consider not telling that I do. I am finding some guys more likeable now, but I’m not wanting to acknowledge it. Because she’ll make something more out of it. “Grams, I’m more open to being with them, but I like girls as I always did.”

Grams gives me a look and says, “I ask, because the other day when Tommy Schmidt delivered my groceries. It looked like you were flirting with him.”

“No way Grandma, I was just teasing him a little. Guys like that.”

Grams smiles, “We call it flirting. It's alright, girls sometimes do that even with boys, they’re not wanting to date. Tommy is the kind of boy that I would approve for you to date.”

“Grams, I don’t date boys, at least not yet and I don’t need you approving or not who I’d date anyhow.”

Grandma asks, “Does Mrs. Adams see it the same way for you and her girls?”

“Well no, but she’s a parent, not a grandma. Plus she has to treat me like she does all her family. Plus I still see Karen as my girlfriend.”

“Did your Cousin Heather talk to you about double dating the next weekend you’re here? She says Tyler who you met at the ice arena, or Sam were her two choices to invite to be your date.”

Tyler, a senior at Stronghold plays ice hockey, I have already been with him once. Grams thinks Sam from the junior college would be a better date. “Either would be fine Grams, I’ll call Heather. If she’s free to go shopping or something, after my appointment would that be okay?”

Grams says, “You will need to get back to the Adams so you only miss one school day. Is there something in particular you need or want?”

“I’m wanting a long bulky sweater or a nice winter coat. I can’t believe I’ve gone this long borrowing them. Plus I need another bra and some more panties.”

Grams, “I guess you are maturing Elaine. I suspect if you’re asking, it means you actually need more than that. We should be up early enough to go shopping before your appointment at 1:00 tomorrow.”

I tell Grams, “I do not need an overstocked closet like most girls.”

“That is good,” says Grams. “Your parents’ money won’t stretch that far. You are however realizing you need and want more than you have.” We are near Stronghold, when Grandma turns into the Macy’s parking lot. “We might as well stop and look some tonight. Oh by the way your driver’s permit came yesterday in your proper name. I know you passed driver’s ed. So tomorrow maybe you could drive some. We will practice more before you test for your license.”

Grams has a small SUV that I think is smart looking and performs real well. I’ve always thought she is one of the neatest grandparents I’ve ever met. Thankfully, she mine.

It is exciting to search for a new winter coat. I’ve longed to have a pretty girl's coat of my very own. It's silly that I feel guilty about liking something colorful and feminine looking. Part of me wants to hurry and choose and get going. I take a few breaths and with Grams encouragement we look all through their selection. We walk around the mall and look at several women’s shops. It is at 21 that I find a beautiful knit sweater with ¾ sleeves. Being a glimmering silver gray it could go with much of my clothing. The collar and how it hangs is off balance. I’ve seen the style with a lot of the girls that I think dress sharply. As yet ,I don’t have anything like it.

Grams encourages me, ‘Why don’t you try on a small and medium and see which is best for you? Then we should be going.” I love the sweater and I choose to go with the medium as I’ll be wearing over other tops. Grams has them cut off the tags so I can wear it home.

It is not until we’re in the car that I find out that we’re meeting Aunt Kenda, Uncle Paul and Heather Newton for Chinese. Heather quickly recognizes I’m wearing a new sweater. “Wow. Elaine your fashion sense it growing. I love the sweater.”

She asks, “Did Grams tell you I hope we can double date the next time you’re in town? Sam Matthews is two years older than us and he was asking if something could be arranged. I’m pretty sure Grams approves of him, though I’m not sure if he is as safe as he looks. But let’s not tell Grams. I can tell he gets excited when we talk about you.”

She says, “I’d be very happy to date him and have his arms around me if Pete and I weren’t together.”

Grams asks, “I heard you talking and Sam’s name came up. Heather, you agree with me he’s a fine young man whom Elaine will be safe with.”

Heather gives me a look, “Yes Grams I think he’ll be very safe with Elaine.” Everyone at the table giggles.

Uncle Paul asks, “Elaine would you mind if I accompany you and your grandma to the therapy meeting for you father?” Hearing just the idea makes me shake. Having Grams and Uncle Paul would be helpful, but I’d rather have an excuse to not go at all.

The food tonight is good, but I have lost my appetite, so I nibble enough to be acceptable. Luckily the remainder is boxed up as I will be hungry later.

Before Grams and I head to her house; Heather tells me I should be back a week from Saturday to go out.

I’m up early in the morning, casually dressed with no makeup and my hair slightly brushed. “Hi Grams,” she's in her nook area drinking a cup of tea. There is an English muffin ready to push down in the toaster. I choose from three teas to use. I choose a spice peach bag and pour out a large cup of hot water for the bag to steep in. It is in the cup all the while as the muffin toasts. I like my tea nice and strong. Grams being English, I use cream and sugar.

Grams and I listen to the TV news in the background. She says, “I know you showered last night, but I suggest you lightly shower again to be fresh and fully awake. Were there some winter coats you liked that we should look at or should we try another store?”

I ask, “Do you remember that red coat with the fleece inside with the beautiful hood with the Eskimo type trim?” She remembered that it was the third one I tried on, except that I had selected the olive green yesterday.

We were back to the store and found they were down to the last in my size. The great news it is now on sale for 40% off the price. I also picked out a pair of mittens which I can poke my fingers through for driving. I am loving the soft fluffy feeling of things. We are on our way out when Grams spots knee high boots on a very good sale.

She says, “I thought of you and your sister when I first saw these in the fall. But I thought they were two expensive, as well as inappropriate for a football player. Your legs will have a better shape to them now.”

I say, “They say they’re on sale for $79.95. That doesn’t seem like a great sale price to me.”

Grandma says, “I will get another 10-15% off most of the items at the cash register. These shoes were $179 if I remember correctly. If you treat them properly they will last you a long time.” I have pictured myself in such a pair, and I love how knee high boots look on Sara. But there was no way Bryce would have gotten boots that expensive bought for him.

We spent a lot of money to my way of thinking, though Grams says we saved more than we spent.

I told her, “I don’t understand how women think.”

Grams says, “I've noticed, you’re learning ti take much better you care of your clothes.”

I say, “Grams, I’m just being me. I like being a girl, but I don’t think it is much different.”

The woman at the cash register recognizes Grandma and says, “Mrs. Newton, is this the same granddaughter who has come to live with you?” Confirmed by Grandma she addresses me, “Well young woman, I commend you on the change. You seem to be more natural in your skin now. I can also see your body is catching up with how you see yourself.” Since there is no one waiting to check out behind us, we talk longer. That in itself is a change for me. I am now better at carrying on a conversation.

We stop at a restaurant and order soup and half a sandwich for each of us. Grams encourages me to order milk as she orders coffee. With lunch done we are off to see my counselor Dr. Akers. I am wearing my new coat and boots. I'm real happy Dr. Anne notices how nice they are.

There’s a time when she has me talking to myself, Elaine to Elaine about the changes in being a young woman. It is the first time I acknowledge I’m finding guys to be more interesting. I don’t like guys with poor hygiene including bad breath. One of the hardest things is to be patient. I jump to reasons for not liking Sam Matthews or Tyler from the skating rink or guys like Max Sievers.

The other me says, “You’re afraid because you’re use to being Bryce Royce. You’re a transgendered woman it’s not the same as being gay.” I turn to Dr. Akers asking, “Being a woman if I like another woman like Karen or Staci, does that make me a lesbian?” Dr. Akers remains silent and I end up answering my own question. “Get out of your own way with labels and be yourself.” That dialog ends and later Anne asks, “Who is Staci?”

“She’s a year younger than I am and since acknowledging I’m Elaine we haven’t talked. We’ve been friends a long time. Even if she accepted me as Elaine; I’m sure she would be upset with the attention I’ve given Karen.”

Dr. Anne asks, “Do you often assume things about people you care about? Do you ever break-off friendships with them?”

I quickly say, “No, yes but I’m sure, so nothing was lost.”

Dr. Anne says, “As a teenage girl you might like this saying. When you ‘Assume’ something, think the word aloud and think. ASSUME, can make an ‘ASS of U & ME. Ass-u-me. It discounts your friends from being able to speak for themselves and it often can cause you to lose a friendship you might otherwise have.”

I ask, “You’re not saying Staci would accept me or even love me like I love her?”

Dr. Akers says, “You’re right, I’m not saying what Staci would say. I do suspect she wonders why you didn’t even return her calls or messages.”

“How did you know she called and sent me messages?”

Dr. Akers says, “I didn’t but I played a guess; if she’s a friend of yours, I thought it was a strong possibility. I’m not sure but you may be tainting relationships with the hurt and rejection you have experienced elsewhere.”

I say, “You’re now talking about with my Mom and Dad.”

She says, “Do you think? Why did you mention your Mom as well as your Dad?”

“Yes, I think that is true.” My eyes begin to water, “Yes, I’ve been hurt by my Mom; she should have been there for me. She had many, many opportunities. She gave birth to me, she should have loved me and protected me. She made me ashamed of myself.

“Once after my Dad hit me bad enough to send me to the hospital. She had me dress like I was a sissy and had me take a broken pair of heels to the hospital. It was to be proof I hurt myself playing as a sissy. That was after I started seeing you. I did not come for an appointment for six weeks after that.”

Dr. Anne asks, “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“Because I didn’t think you’d believe me. After I lied to you, I assumed you wouldn’t trust me to tell the truth!” I break down crying, it is the biggest cry I have ever had. Dr. Anne holds my hand until I lunge and hug her and cry on her shoulder. She says, “It is okay Elaine those tears need to come out.”

I quit crying a little before my time is done. I talked and talked until it’s past time to end. I don’t remember anything I said, but she took notes.

Grandma drove me to the Adams and after we visited for a long time it was decided Grams would stay the night and return home in the morning.

It is painful and I’m worried when I tell Rhonda and others about Staci.

Rhonda says, “I’ve talked to Staci, before we came to see you in the hospital the first time. Your sister, Karen, Jennifer and I all knew you liked Staci. We were surprised you never talked about her. Staci thought you were angry at her, because you broke off the friendship without talking to her. She thought you we fed-up with her because she said get hurt either playing football or from your dad for not playing.”

“How would that be her fault,” I ask?

“You confided in me and Karen; you even wore Karen’s sweater. What was she supposed think when she tried calling and you’d hang up?”

I say, “She knew I had boob like flesh because I was androgynous. But I never told her I saw myself as a girl.”

Rhonda says, “Staci says you had hinted at that a number of times. Then whenever she tried to acknowledge it, you told her she didn’t understand or heard you wrong. Is that true? She says she knew before the football season you didn’t want to ruin your chances for being a girl. She assumed that was about you building up muscles or growing facial hair like boys.”

I ask, “Why didn’t you or someone tell me you knew all this?”

“Because it was between you and Staci. Karen has been afraid to tell you, because you have become very close to her. You’ve helped Karen through some very important and sensitive times. She didn’t know how to tell you without hurting you or Staci.”

“Staci told me, she understands why you’d choose Karen over her. Truthfully she wasn’t sure how her parents would react if they knew Staci thought it was more than friendship.”

I ask, “She said that. She sees us as more than friends, wow!”

Rhonda’s sister Jennifer came into the room as I raised my voice. “What’s the excitement about?”

Rhonda turns to her, “Elaine now knows she has two serious girlfriends.”

“You told Elaine about Staci? I thought you weren’t going to do that.”

“Elaine brought up her name first.”

Jennifer took me by the hand and I asked, “Where are you taking me?”

She said, “I’m taking you to my room. You’re sleeping with me or alone, depends on which you can handle. Your Grandma has your room for the night.”

“You’d let me sleep with you?”

“Yes with me in my room, not necessarily in the same bed. I’m up for a pajama party, but nothing romantic. One of your girlfriends is my best girlfriend. I’m not out to disturb that. Plus I prefer boys.”

I say, “I thought Karen and Staci did too.”

Jenn says, “Besides you, Karen likes boys. She either loves you big-time as a friend or she’s in love with you. I’m not sure if she knows for sure.”

I say, “We’re seventeen, loving someone forever might last six months that’s forever. How does one know? Karen’s been there for me and now I’ve been there for her. Yeah, we have bonds that will be forever. Me, I’m not even the girl I want to be yet. I think I’m going to wear out a girlfriend or two just having them help me discover myself.”

“Wow, when did you gain all this wisdom?”

I giggle, “Part of it came today when I was talking to myself.”

Jenn sits me on her bed and looks at me like I’m being crazy. “What in the world are you talking about? You’re not making sense.”

I say, “You had to be there.”

Jenn says, “Never mind, I have out a towel and washcloth out for you and a nice pair of teddy bear pajamas. You take a shower first and I’ll shower after you.

I wasn’t telling anyone, but I am enjoying myself bigtime being a friend or sisters with Rhonda and Jennifer.

After my shower I’m at the sink and mirror taking care of my skin and brushing out my hair and pinning it up. Jenn goes behind me hangs up her robe and gets in the shower behind me. The shower door shows a bit more than an outline of Jenn. Once I’m done I sit on the toilet and talk to Jenn.

Jenn says, “If I get out of the shower and your boy thing stands up, I’m going to be embarrassed.”

I say, “It wasn’t much more than a hose before. If it stood up now, it would be an unwanted miracle.”

She giggles, “I’d rather you go back to the bedroom or put on a robe and go say goodnight to my parents.”

I grabbed my robe and went downstairs to say goodnight to Mom Adams. Grandma had already gone to bed. Ma Adams asks about my day. I start with my boots, sweater and winter coat. I am so into how the boots fit and look on me.

When I begin to talk about my appointment, it is the same but different from when I talked with Grandma. One, Ma Adams knows who Staci is and I’m sure she has talked with Rhonda and Jennifer about the situation. I soon learn that my sister Sara comes here when I’m not around. I’m happy for Sara that she has someone she can talk to like a mom and daughter. But everyone seems to know about Staci more than me.

Mom goes to her room and comes back with a wrapped gift. She hands it to me saying, “Staci wanted you to have this as a peace offering, once you came to know she knows.”

I open it to find a soft blue skirt with a blouse that seems to go with it. The blouse has birds silhouetted in white. There is an attached scarf like she wears sometimes. Ruth Adams, mom, whispers to herself, “A very nice peace offering.”

I speak up, “She owed me nothing; I’m the one who owes her.”

Mom hugs me, “A good friend like her doesn’t worry about who owes who. She wants the ice broken and to be friends again.” Ma hugs me like she’s saying a prayer and hoping the young woman in her arms learns something. I open my eyes after not hearing an ‘amen’. Rhonda and Jennifer are standing there. Rhonda says, “Thanks Mom, we thought she needed a Mom and you didn’t let us down.”

There is a pause and Jenn asks, “Is that the gift Staci said was a peace offering. I’m not sure what Karen would say, but I want to go shopping with her sometime. She has great taste that is absolutely perfect for you Elaine.”

The next day I’m at school with Karen; we’re in a study hall when Karen confronts me. “So what’s with the mood you’re in?” I’m uncomfortable because I saw Staci in passing already twice today. I was able to only work a guilty smile and a weak hello both times. Now Karen’s questioning me, do I tell her?

We got a pass and went to the school library, and behold Staci’s there. I wanted to turn around, but Karen notices Staci and stops me. “Neither she nor I are your enemies. Let’s see if she will go to one of the small conference rooms with us.” We both stop and say hello and the Librarian encourages us to use a conference room if we need to visit about school work.

I’m not sure what to say to Staci, ‘Sorry’ seems inadequate. Karen and Staci look at each other with a smirk on their faces. I realize, I’ve been set up. It wasn’t by accident we went to the library and Staci is here. And now Jennifer is knocking at the door. She comes in, “I’m here, hoping Elaine will share some of the things she said to me.”

It feels extra difficult with Karen and Staci both here. Then I take a breath and consider they both appear to be comfortable. Dr. Anne’s words, ‘Assume makes an ass of you and me’ echo.

I find the courage to speak, “I’m sorry, I should have done things better. I anticipated that coming out as me, everyone was going to freak-out. I didn’t anticipate I have such good friends like you. Trying to be friends with Karen, I was afraid to acknowledge my friendship with you Staci. I thought I was a secret to everyone.”

“You never let me in…” Karen and Staci begin saying at the same time. Staci continues, “Most others might not have known. I don’t know how many times you started to open up and retreated. I didn’t know if I should have kicked your butt or felt sorry. I got the distrust your parents caused.” She pulled me toward her and gave me a hug.

Karen says, “I kind of knew and tried to be your friend, but before the last few games I wasn’t sure if I wanted you to be a girlfriend if you were really a girl. The night I did a makeover of you in my dreams changed that. No one could have had a better friend this past month than I have with you. Many of my other friends had trouble stomaching how I looked.”

Jennifer mumbles, “Guilty.” Though she was there, but I guess not all the time. Jennifer collects her thoughts, “But what are your feelings for Staci and Karen, Elaine?”

I begin to yell but don’t. “You already know, but there’s no good way to say I love them… I love you both, though I know that’s unfair. I’ve loved Staci a long time and well Karen is like the forbidden fruit.”

Jennifer asks, “What else did you say about love at your age?”

Staci says, “Let me answer that for her. Bryce told me this summer he’d love me forever and I challenged him. I was already sure Bryce was more Elaine. I asked him, ‘What’s forever for a boy?’”

“I told you ‘forever’ at sixteen was lucky for a girl or boy, if it lasted six months to a year. We had already made it over a year at that point. But I’ve blown-up ‘forever’ big-time.”

Staci says, “Well I haven’t. And I don’t think you really know as Elaine if you have or not. I’m not letting go easily and I don’t expect Karen will either. It is not time for decisions. Karen or I can walk away tomorrow, next week or whenever, but for now, you have your parents’ crap to work through. Becoming Elaine at seventeen should be fun, not rocket science. It is interesting you started out with Womanhood 401; I thought 400 classes were for college graduate classes.”

“How do you reach that conclusion?”

Staci says, “My Aunt’s a nurse, she’s commended Karen and you for how she’s recovered. She said, you’ve seen the ugly… not so nice side of being a woman. Please don’t say anyone, that my Aunt told me that; it was when I got angry and worried because you wouldn’t return anything. She only told me because I wanted a reason to still love you.”

Karen interjects, “I’d step away, if I could, but I don’t think I can. I too want to be around as you blossom. The difficult thing to accept is we’ve been maturing and becoming women for years. I don’t think there is a shortcut for you, it takes time.”

The class bell rang. How are we to go to class, we’re still talking. Jennifer said, “That’s not fair, but then again three of us already knew it wasn’t going to be resolved during one period.”

Karen struggled to stand and walk, she struggled more as she leaned to give Staci a hug. Karen told Staci, “If you want you could go shopping with Elaine after school. Her Grandma told Jennifer she needs some more panties and bras.”

Jennifer says, “The three of you could go.”

Karen says, “Right now when school is over I will be exhausted. I might even go home before my last class.”

I whisper to Staci, “Thanks for the beautiful outfit, but I should let you have it back. You didn’t owe be, you knew that.”

Staci Mason says, “It worked didn’t it? You now know I still love you. Besides if you returned it, I’d be real angry with you.”

Staci says to Jenn, “Jennifer, I’d have to check with my Mom, but could you drive us to the stores if I can go?” All of a sudden we were walking in different direction, except Karen and me.

Karen asks, “I should be calling home for a ride?”

To be continued...