Going pee was Elaine was nothing to scream about; the pee came easy enough, but the pressure was still there. It was when she wiped herself and was ready to pull up her panty. She saw spots of blood on her panty shield. Previously used only to catch drips of pee and hide her extra skin.

The other women in the women’s restroom were duly concerned for her; asking what was wrong.

Beth, a matron of the court, seemingly was there to make sure Elaine was safe. She now spoke to Elaine with caring that was not there before. “Elaine, what is your problem dear?” Elaine had screamed the one time, but she’s still crying; it was that of someone scared. She’s also embarrassed that she has drawn attention to herself.

Dr. Akers and Rhonda are two of the voices she recognizes and responds to. Dr. Anne says, “Elaine we’re here for you. What’s scaring you?”

“I can’t talk to everyone. I’m ready to come out but I think I need Dr. Owens. Is she coming this afternoon?” Dr. Anne waits, encouraging others to leave. I say, “Rhonda or Mom Adams or Grams can stay if they’re here.”

Dr. Anne says, “Rhonda’s stayed in and your Grandma is here as well.” Grams asks if I’m alright. “I still feel the pressure, peeing only helped a little. But I have drops on my shield and my pee was discolored.”

I can hear Dr. Akers ask, “Rhonda, go see if there is a nurse or a medical person here.”

I come out of the toilet stall and go to wash. I grab a tissue to moisten it and clean my face. Anne asks more questions, but soon a nurse comes in. She’s a nurse but doesn’t look like one. She’s here for another trial also on lunch recess. “I shouldn’t be doing anything, I’m sorry but that’s how it is.”

Rhonda says, “But you came in, you’re not insensitive. Can you at least hear what her problem is and tell us if it might be serious?”

The nurse says, “My name is Angie Johnson. What’s the problem, were you attacked?”

“It’s not like that. I felt pressure down here while I was in court. I came in here to use the toilet, but the pressure’s still there. And I noticed blood on my panty shield.”

The nurse says, “You’re too old for this to be new to you. So what scared you about this time?” Rhonda begins to answer for me, but I speak up.

“It would be my first time, but I’m not supposed to do this. I’m androgynous, my plumbing isn’t like that.”

Angie asks, “Can you sit back? I don’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable, but can I lift your skirt?” I helped to pull it back and spread my legs. It’s embarrassing but I knew she would ask. “Can you point where you still feel the pressure?”

I say, “It’s behind where I pee.” I point to an area. It’s higher up in my mind yet kind of like behind where I pee. Angie touches me and when I agree that is kind of the area. She presses on and the second press I scream again. She touches down and to the side and it too is very sensitive.

Nurse Angie says, “I won’t say what I think other than she should go to her doctor or the emergency room, now.” The court matron speaks up, “I don’t suggest that until she has the Judge’s approval.”

Dr. Akers asks, “You’re saying it’s dangerous but we should wait.”

Angie shakes her head, “The pain is going to build, she might not be in immediate danger, but I don’t know.” Angie takes my hand, “Be very careful I feel for you. If you wait, take some aspirin to cut the pain, but don’t wait too long. I’d say within two hours you should have a doctor checking you out.”

Grams has two stronger aspirin. The Matron has already gone to tell the Judge. People were called back to the courthouse. My Dad’s sympathetic and asks how I am. Mom is skeptical saying, “Is this a ploy to get the court’s sympathy? How convenient that it waited to happen when we’re in court. Do you have an explanation for that?”

Nurse Angie is fifteen feet away, “Stress, the stress of the court could easily do that.”

Mom looks toward her, “If she butting into our business; she should keep her nose out of it!”

Grams is ready to speak, but Mrs. Adams holds her. She says, “That woman was a help and more of a mother than we can say for some people.” Tempers are flaring as we’re called back into the courtroom. Marie Tull has come to escort me in, saying, “Please don’t get started in that argument.”

Mr. Cameron does his best with her, my mother, and then insists my mother become calm and keep quiet. “If you don’t, for our sake, I will ask you to go out of the courtroom.” Mom is not calm, but she becomes quiet.

Judy the director of Human Services says, “We have a medic or physician’s assistant coming to check the boy.” I grit my teeth and growl a little. I turn back to Rhonda and Jennifer to see if I amused them.

It is fifteen minutes early when we are asked to rise for the Honorable Judge Hewitt. “Miss Royce, it is my understanding that your problem was not fully relieved by a toilet break. Is that true?”

I say, “That’s true, and it still hurts. Now my stomach might growl because I didn’t eat.”

Mom says aloud, “No real girl minds missing a meal. That’s more like you’re a boy.”

Judge Hewitt says, “I do not remember asking you. Please wait until something is asked of you.”

He says, “I hear a nurse checked on you. What did she say is wrong?”

I turn to Mrs. Tull, my Advocate. She asks me to answer the Judge. I say, “She said she can’t say. That it would be up to a doctor to decide. She only said I needed to get to my doctor soon. I think my doctor has been told I will be soon coming to her or the emergency room after being here.”

Judge Hewitt says, “I’ve already talked to each of your lawyers. I am calling a recess until next Tuesday morning. I am granting permission to medical people to do what is medically necessary and in the interest of Elaine Royce’s current health situation. They are not to act otherwise or to determine other issues before this court.”

“I have heard objections and they are duly noted. I will have one of my assistants' shadow Elaine for the needed medical crisis after we dismiss. She will have this Judge’s ear if it is needed. We will not endanger Elaine’s life or health.”

He pauses and then strikes his gavel. “We will be in recess until next week.” My Dad wants to ask something but doesn’t.

Ma Adams and Grams are quickly next to me. “Do you feel able to ride to the doctor, or should we call an ambulance to take you to the emergency room?”

The pressure is there but the pain is no worse. We do have a problem that Grams is the one who has the room in her car to help transport me. But she wants Ma Adams or Aunt Kendra to ride along. In my aunt’s case, they would have to leave their car on the street at risk of a ticket or taken away. Ma Adams drove and she’d rather not have Rhonda driving her vehicle filled with Jennifer and friends.

Ma Adams decides to ride with Grams watching me. Aunt Kendra is taking Heather, Rhonda and the others to a nearby restaurant. Hoping to hear while they’re there; if I’m going to the hospital or allowed to go home to Grams.

I was quickly taken back at the Medical Clinic Dr. Owens works at and then to an exam room. Lisa, her Physician’s Assistant saw me shortly after I put on one of their garments. A portable scale says my weight is up a few pounds. She asks about what appears to be a bruise near my growth of extra skin. I hadn’t seen it before nor did the nurse at the courthouse mention it. Lisa looks closer and then leaves the exam room without saying anything.

Dr. Patricia Owens is soon back with her. I heard Dr. Owens say they would need to wait in the patient area. She has me lay back on the examining table. She is her pleasant enough self, but serious about something. She asks me plenty of questions. Enough questions that I’ve now lost track of what she or others have asked.

She asks Lisa to bring Grams back to be with me. The pressure and pain are once again building.

“Elaine and Mrs. Newton, there is a pool of blood that is collecting in Elaine’s body. Until we get a good scan and I have a consult I can only speculate what your problem might be. It has changed from what a nurse observed barely an hour ago. I do not think that is good.”

“We are ordering an emergency scan promptly and having you, Elaine, taken next door to the hospital to have it taken. We will go from there. I am sorry I am not saying more. I have a call for two specialists to be there to give us the benefit of their expertise.”

“Do either of you have a question? I cannot promise an answer.”

Grams asks, “Is she in danger of having something bursting inside of her?”

I am growing scared, but I’m trying not to be frightened. A gurney has been brought from the hospital. I am to be taken to the hospital lying on it. We get to the elevator and they press for C for an underground corridor to the hospital. Once we’re in the hospital I was pushed up a ramp to level B. There are a C-scan and people are waiting to receive me.

It is not comfortable to lay still for the scan, even now the pressure seems to be building. It is a half hour after the scan that Dr. Owens and another women doctor come to see me. I have been admitted and in room 3221 in the OB/GYN department. I would laugh if I didn’t think it would increase my discomfort.

Dr. Dulcina Govina introduces herself asking me to call her Dr. Dulcia. She apologizes for only being thirty-four and that another surgeon is in surgery. Dr. Patti interrupts saying, “Elaine, she is very humble; but she is the doctor I want on your case. Do you trust me on this?”

I exhale in relief, “I am thankful you said that. You know that I trust you. But will you start with my problem and then why surgery?”

Dr. Dulcia, “You already know your extra tissue has a urethra and that you can properly urinate. What it didn’t appear to have is testes and the plumbing to have sex. Because you were always treated as a boy; like I’ve been told, your parents insisted. Until today it never became evident that you might have a vagina and other parts of a woman’s reproductive system.

“When a maturing woman’s system becomes active there is a discharge of blood this is called menstruation.”

“I know that. I’ve dreamed it would happen. But no one told me the first time would be like this. I didn’t even think it would happen.”

“I’m sorry Elaine,” says Dr. Owens. “Somehow I missed seeing it.”

Dr. Dulcia says, “That was because it isn’t showing itself. We need to surgically go into you to drain off the blood that is pressing to come out. You have a fever of 100.4 hopefully at its early stage. We do not want it discharged inside your body. We also hope we can find a vagina and other organs.

“Can’t you just do something to allow my body to absorb the blood or whatever it is safe?”

Dr. Dulcia checks me using a magnifying lens attached around her forehead to find a possible opening for a vagina. She may have found it or an indication of something. But she is alarmed and I am quickly taken to surgery. It is after 4:00 pm.

I moan and Grams tells someone I’m awake. Grams said that was after 10:00 and I was awake about a half hour before I fell asleep again. I think I was awakened during the night. It is 6:30 in the morning when I awake for good.

But it isn’t good, I’m feeling nauseated and I hurt. Dr. Dulcia is the first that I remember seeing. She says, “The good news is your extra tissue has been removed and your vagina had begun to form but it had not opened. We have created an opening, but another surgery will be needed.”

“You sad, the good news… What is the bad news?”

She says, “The lining of your vagina and uterus that was already formed is inflamed, we’re fighting an infection and blood poisoning as it had ruptured inside of you.”

I say, “But I’m out of trouble. How long will it take to clear up?”

Dr. Owens and Grams have entered the room as Dr. Govina says, “You are being watched very closely and getting our best care. But you are not yet out of danger. We do not plan to lose you.”

Grams has my hand, saying, “You’re going to be okay.” I hear her saying she loves me, but I’m being sedated.” The sleep is restless, though my body doesn’t show it. I feel my mother is near. My breathing is being controlled and there is a hot light that’s shining in my face. I hear Grams voice but can’t feel her hand holding mine.

I begin to awaken, nurses/doctors asking questions; I don’t get a chance to ask mine. Sleep like a dark cloud rolls over me again.

Grams: “Dr. Owens why did her surgery take so long?”

Dr. Owens says, “Dr. Dulcia was able to accomplish all we hoped for and more. There are however complications. The area was inflamed with infection. Elaine is being heavily sedated and treated with a strong regiment of antibiotics.”

Grams asks, “How long before I can see her?”

“It will be well after 10:00 pm., you should go home and get some sleep. You can see her in the morning.” Dr. Dulcia has chosen to sleep at the hospital as things are still critical. She is visiting with an infection control specialist.

Grams says, “There is no way I’m going home. I need to be beside her. I’m responsible for Elaine.” It is after 9:00 and Mr. Adams had already picked up Jennifer as well as Staci and Karen. Grandma Newton encourages Mrs. Adams, “You and Rhonda should be going home.” Realizing they are not going yet, she suggests, “Maybe you should consider staying at my house when you leave here tonight.”

Only Grams is allowed in to visit Elaine at 10:20 and just for ten minutes. Tubes in Elaine’s arm and nose, wires hooked to monitors. They’re all foreign to what should be a healthy teenager.

Grandma Newton is at conflict, she’s trying to be strong as Elaine’s eyes open. But she’s frightened for her granddaughter’s life. Her Elaine’s temperature is holding near 102. It is near midnight and Grandma was in the waiting room. A nurse stirs her saying, “There is a recliner in her room. It is not meant to encourage anyone to stay, but it is better than here. Please do not disturb doctors or nurses checking on her throughout the night.”

Grams was thankful, though at 3:00 it becomes even more disturbing. Lisa, Dr. Owens’ Physician’s Assistant had stayed at the hospital. She and Dr. Dulcina have been called to my room. The Head nurse says, “She has grown more restless and she’s sweating profusely.”

Dr. Dulcina says, “We need to keep her hydrated, but she also needs for the fluid to have some nutritional value and minerals.” She writes new orders authorizing what she wants. She turns to Grandma Newton, “Your Granddaughter appears to be strong, but this is hitting her terribly hard. The sweating might be an indication that the fever is ready to break. But if it does not; it means she is in more jeopardy. You might want to be calling people.”

Grams asks, “Can I call her real mother and father?”

The judge’s assistant went home at 10 pm. Dr. Dulcina says, “My understanding as Elaine’s Guardian, you are free to make that decision. There should also be support here for you.”

“I will be awake the rest of the night. I do have a surgery scheduled for 7:00 am. I will tweak one antibiotic, her system should be able to stand that.”

Grams stayed as they want Elaine to be conscious enough to respond to questions if possible. Grams was upset they wouldn’t let her touch Elaine. She just wanted to hold or touch her in some way.

Come 6:30 in the morning, Elaine’s temp is down under one hundred degrees. Dr. Owens is there, but unwilling to say Elaine is out of trouble.

I am surprised to see my Dad as I wake up; I’m wondering if I’m imagining things. Dad says, “Your Mom and I are both worried about you.”

I try to speak but can’t, I see tubes coming out of me. Grams says, “Don’t try to speak, you can’t do that right now.”

Dad is near weeping when he says, “I’m so sorry, I doubted you and put you at risk.” I stared, wondering about my Mom. I don’t think she’d say the same. It would be nice but Dad’s different since his treatment. Finally, he knows what I’m waiting for, “No, your Mother is home awaiting my call. I’m sure she’ll be relieved.” We both know he’s lying about that.

I turn my head and Grams is on the other side of the bed, I already felt her hand and knew she’s there. I cry a little but catch myself.

Grams leans down to hug me, “Dear you were terribly sick. Hopefully, the doctors will be able to take the tubes out and you can speak later.”

Dr. Owens comes in smiling, “I am glad to see you’re awake Elaine. Your temperature is near normal. When Dr. Dulcia gets finished her work this morning, we’ll talk and decide if the tubes can come out. There is a pad and a pencil if you need to say anything.”

I write, “Did I just get out of surgery?” I don’t know if it is seven thirty the previous night or the next morning. Dr. Owens isn’t very surprised, not like my father or Grams.

“You were out of surgery around 9:00 o’clock last night. It is 7:39 Wednesday morning. How do you feel now?”

I write, “Sore. Weak… Can I go to the bathroom, I need to use the toilet.”

Dr. Patti Owens smiles, “You have a tube in your bladder. You can go any time you need to.” She asks, “Do you remember getting sick when you were at the courthouse yesterday?”

I write, “I felt sick, but I didn’t think I puked or anything. I thought I went to surgery because another doctor said it was needed. I had bled a little and hurt, but I didn’t think I was that sick.”

Dr. Owens, “You did very well for how you were doing, but you had a temp and it was rising. A C-scan showed you had blood caught in your groin. By the time we were able to get you to surgery, you had a fever and blood was already seeping into your body. That had to be stopped.”

“Dr. Govina realized you had the beginning of a vagina but it was not complete and had never opened. If we did not help you quickly, you would likely die. Dr. Govina actually thought you might die. Even once around 3:00 this morning she thought she might be losing you if your fever didn’t break. But it did and you are getting better.”

It was 10:30 this morning before Dr. Govina was out of surgery and free to come to see me. “Well young woman, you gave me quite a scare. I’ve already received a request from a judge Hewitt to justify what we’ve done. He says he’s not being critical as much as he wants it documented.”

I just got off the phone with his office and told them you were a girl. If things weren’t connected you would probably be dead by now. Things were much closer than they should have been. Your being androgynous covered what we needed to see.”

“I am guessing some things had been forming for years and other things were activated with suppression of testosterone and what your female organs were able to produce without its interference.”

I want to ask questions, the doctors and nurses excuse others from my room; before they pull out my tubes going down my throat. There are pain and discomfort, Dr. Patti says it will be a couple of hours before I won’t mind talking. I do talk some but it is painful, I will wait before talking a lot. A strong spray that is used in my throat. It deadens the pain and coats my throat.

I missed seeing Rhonda, Jennifer, Staci, and Karen; they had gone home to change and then to school. They were scared as they still weren’t sure I was okay.

Dad came back to the hospital after his work. He didn’t know if I would let him visit with me. It was not an automatic yes. I still have a lot of anger in me. The latest thing is I could have died yesterday.

The first time I get to stand up, I close the door to my room and walk to a mirror. I untie my gown and let it fall to the floor. I am disappointed as the bandage blocks me from seeing how I look. The nurse says it wouldn’t be pretty anyway.

I ask, “Would it be possible to remove the bandage anyway?”

She asks me, “Pease lean against the bed and know it will be a little uncomfortable. I already warned you it won’t be pretty.”

I thanked her and as the bandage is removed she took a wipe to clean the area a little. I stepped toward the mirror and fingered the outline of the surgery. Dr. Dulcia said it would need another surgery to form my vagina properly. I look forward to then but I am already happy with the improvement.

The nurse says, “I guess this is more important than I understood. I’m sorry I was insensitive.”

It seems ironic to me that people apologizing now are way more sensitive than what I experienced from those who should have been. I ask to use the toilet; she needs to use a plastic bowl under the toilet seat. She says it is both clear and doesn’t show any blood. It is another first for me.

The nurse needs to put a fresh bandage on me. She hands me a robe Grams has brought in to use. We walk down the corridor and to the window of the nursery. There are four bassinettes with babies and several areas where they are missing. I’m unaware that my hand touches my vagina.

The nurse asks, “You would like to have a baby someday?” I close my eyes and try to think of it. The babies are small and precious, but they are large in comparison to my opening.

But it is not hard to say, “Yes.” There are hands behind me around my shoulders. I think Grams, I hope it is not Dad or Mom. I see the reflection of Rhonda and Mom Adams in the window. Rhonda hugs me and it warms my heart and spirit.

A woman is pushing back her baby and she allows me to get a closer look. She smiles at me, “I bet you are one of the best people to understand my joy. I wasn’t supposed to be able to have a baby. If you want one, I hope you will be so blessed.” My hand touches on top of hers and we have a connecting moment.

I ask, “How did you know who I am?”

She said, “You are down the hall and I had no trouble hearing you last night. But I’m nosey and I felt for you. Others did too. I wouldn’t have thought about your situation. I felt your struggle last night.”

Once she was ready to walk back to her room I walked with her for a distance. She says, “I have a seventeen-year-old sister.”

I say, “My sister is eighteen, but she doesn’t get many chances to see me.”

Dad comes after work and he has Sara with him. I am very happy to see her and I thank him. He visits with us and some of my coldness melts. I am pretty sure it will come back. I am not proud of that. But I now understand it will take time with Dr. Akers.

Friday, I am out of the hospital and I’m with Grams at least through Monday. I do get a little shopping therapy on Saturday and Sunday, but I am in no condition to be trying on clothes. Tiffany Reed goes with Grams, Sarah and me on Saturday. Rhonda, Jennifer and Ma Adams go with me on Sunday. Rhonda, Jennifer and I all look at sundresses.

We’re passing an art store that sells frames, paintings, photography and more. Rhonda notices Nurse Laura Martin is inside and we go to say hello. She walks around with me and we’re looking at pictures as one catches my attention. It is Dane’s painting of me in my prom dress. I feel Dane’s hands touch my shoulders and I begin to cry. I have twelve days until my prom. I am overjoyed to see the painting; I’m afraid of what I might look like come to the prom.

I turn away and take Nurse Laura with me, Rhonda helps Dane to give me time and space. I turn to Laura, “Do you think I will look like I do in the painting at my prom?”

There is only one chair there, but Laura sits down and asks me if I can kneel. I am looking at her, seeing her tender eyes. “Elaine, if you were my little sister or my little girl. I would assure you will be beautiful by then. My question to you is are you happy to be a girl? How beautiful will ever be enough for you to be happy?”

“Can you realize that your Ma Adams who is very attractive, use to be as beautiful as Rhonda? And your Grams was as beautiful as Sara and you?”

I say, “Is it a crime that I want to be attractive?”

Laura taps my chest near my heart, “The crime is you don’t know it where it counts for you.” Laura’s attention is distracted and then holds her side. She pulls my hand to her full-blown pregnancy bump. I feel her with her hand over me. It is a moment before I feel a kick. She says the baby is moving

“That part isn’t a lot of fun is it?”

“You’re right there are times it hurts, but then again it is beautiful because it is between her and me.”

I ask, “Do you know she’s a girl?”

She says, “I think so, but I’m not sure. I know she’s not it. She might be a boy and I’d need to adjust to that. I know she will be beautiful to me.”

“Will you let me babysit with your baby?”

Laura asks, “Won’t you be a little too big to be babysitting?”

I smile, “I don’t want to do it for a job. I want to be close to you and your baby.”

I begin to realize I should be giving Dane some attention. I stand up and want Laura to go with me. Once we’re there, I apologize, “Sorry Dane, the painting is beautiful. I am so lucking to have you as my prom date and boyfriend.”

I give Dane a big hug and kiss, not worried about people watching us. But I should have been thinking of Dane as he’s shy. “Thank you, Dane, the picture is beautiful, but why are you showing it off here?”

Dane takes me further over and has me looking up. There on display is his latest painting, ‘Trees of Life’. I look to the lower left corner to the dry ground and withering tree and vegetation. I sigh, “I was like that. Life did not want to reside in me.”

Dane and Laura both ask me what I mean. I go off crying and Laura comes to me. It is not that Dane doesn’t care, but if I am to share he knows it would first be with Laura or later with Grams. But no, I will not share it yet with Grams. Laura holds me warmly, securely in a hug and whispers. “You are safe and you will not be judged.”

I tell her, “I too often did not want to live: especially as Bryce. Even as Elaine I did not feel free to live…”

To be continued…