It’s the first Tuesday of Winter Break and I have my appointment with Dr. Marie Owens and another counselling session with Dr. Anne Akers. It’s my third time that I had been to the clinic, the day before I had blood drawn. Grams comes in with me; I changed into the exam garment. Once again it feels strange that Dr. Owens is examining me like a girl. I know that is who I am and how she should be doing it. I'm just not used to it, and I am anxious about what she’s going to say. I’m pretty sure nothing will change today, but waiting is hard for me.

I didn’t tell her, ‘I fully believe I’m a girl and being Bryce is getting more distasteful each day.’ She presses around my nipples which are becoming more sensitive. Talking to record notes she says, “Breast tissue seems to be forming around nipples. With blood test results, it seems the testosterone blocker has unmasked the production of female hormones.’” She continues my exam while asking various questions like: “How do you feel dressing and going to school as a girl? ...I see you’ve been losing weight. Is that by choice or do you feel it is necessary to be a girl?”

I told her I’m enjoying being me a lot, but I was not sure what the right answer was about losing weight. Finally, I say, “Tanya Joens is my size and she weighs 126.”

Marie sits across from me before inviting Grams back in. “What will it take for you being comfortable with yourself?”

I said, “That is why I had trouble answering you, I don’t know what the correct answer should be.”

She smiles, “You’re not much different from other girls. The correct answer is your answer, and not what anyone else says or thinks. You’re not this Tanya. We can’t go back to when Dr. Akers first suggested you go on a testosterone blocker. It is important that you become comfortable with being Elaine now. Unless you wanted to stay as Bryce?”

“What do you mean when Dr. Akers first suggested I go on the testosterone blocker? You two talked about it when I was here in the hospital. Are you saying she suggested it before?”

She answers, “It’s in her notes that when you were thirteen; she had agreed then that you’re a girl. She met with you and your parents about that. She suggested you should see a medical doctor and everyone talks about a testosterone blocker being used.”

“Damn,” I say. “I just remember my parents saying. ‘I was no girl and wouldn’t ever be one.’ They weren’t so nice about what they said either, but I think you understand.” Dr. Owens wants me to compose myself before we continue.

I ask, “If we’re going to talk more, can Grams be in with me? I’m afraid I will say something I shouldn’t if she’s not here.”

Dr. Owens seems amused at my request, as she sends Nurse Audrey Stills to get Grams. They are back shortly. Dr. Owens restated that it was first suggested I use hormones and testosterone blockers when she was thirteen. Grams shockingly to me says, “Yes, her parents told me that soon after the appointment. They expected me to be happy with getting their way, but I had been an instructor at the Monmouth Community College. I had seen young women and men eaten up inside, trying to deny themselves to please others. It wasn’t a year after that I was kept from seeing Bryce/Elaine alone.”

Dr. Owens says, “I guess, you probably don’t want the flack of signing the approval for Elaine to continue on the testosterone blocker. Or our petition to the court for her to go on hormone treatment so she can develop as the woman she is.”

Grandma Newton says, “I surely do want to sign both of those; if you and Dr. Akers are in favor of recommending it. My Granddaughter Elaine has gone through hell because she has not been allowed to be herself.”

I can’t hold my emotions and give Grams a great big hug saying “Thanks, Grams.”

I tell Dr. Patti Owens, “I have an appointment here with Dr. Akers here today in two hours.”

Dr. Patti smiles, “Yes, I know. Dr. Anne Akers and I thought it would be good to make a recommendation to the Court while we have the same judge and while Judge Hewitt still has your case in his memory.”

“Do you think he’ll still remember my case from over a month ago? I kind of remember what he looks like but I had already forgotten his name.”

“From what Ms. Tull says, it is a unique case and you made a big impression on the Judge. He might counsel with the judge who first expected the case, but we’re anticipating a positive result. It will likely take some time, but we will have the petition in before the end of the year. Hopefully, it will be decided sooner rather than later.”

Dr. Owens does feel comfortable in continuing the hormone blocker. “I will give you a slightly higher dose of the hormones to test for your body’s compatibility if that is alright with you.” I and Grandma are in agreement.

“Can I take them two to three weeks to make sure they’re good for me?”

Dr. Owens says, “A full month’s prescription should be satisfactory, but we will wait to hear what Dr. Akers says about your well-being and suitability to continue.”

Grandma and I left the clinic attached to the hospital and got a bite and something to drink at the Garden Café. I drank my hot chocolate with two hands as I’m cold. Grams talks, about what is being considered. I’m not sure what it means and why I want very strongly to become Elaine physically.

I guess we both received a text from my cousin Heather. “Are they allowing you to become Elaine?”

I ask, “Grams does Heather know something I don’t?”

Grams says, “I think she’s just hoping you are allowed to do what will make you happy and feel complete. She told me she has been researching this stuff since she met Elaine. She’s very happy for you. She and your sister communicate quite regularly.”

I say, “I know, Heather and Rhonda each help fill-in my sister Sara with the latest news. It helps Sara and I to stay connected. But I’m upset that we have to use others. I’m not sure but Dad might have done something or threatened her once.”

Grams asks, “Should we ask people to check on her?”

“Grams, I’m not sure. If they can’t find something or prove its Dad; things might continue or get worse for her. Dad could even threaten to hurt Mom or our dog to scare Sara. I’m pretty sure it will get worse, but Sara probably won’t believe that yet. It took her a long time to believe me. She still thought I would be okay if I cooperated with Dad.

“I would be a girl with ape-like arms if I had cooperated with him. I guess I tried to please him, but working up muscles wasn’t one of the things I did.”

It is time to see Dr. Akers and we are to another clinic where we’re to see her. The receptionist says she doesn’t have us listed. Dr. Anne comes behind us and says, “It is okay, Dr. Coleen Greene said we can use her office.” The receptionist knew it had been reserved for someone, but didn’t know whom. After we’re seated Dr. Anne asks like she doesn’t know, “How are you doing?”

I try to joke back, “I am Elaine and I am doing well. I hope to be doing better. I want you to agree to help me!”

Dr. Akers giggles at my energy and speaking out as I did. She says, “I am here in support of you, but what I agree to will be based on good medical reasoning. I hope you are willing to take the needed time to do things right. I wouldn’t want to help set your life on one course to find out we made a premature decision. Would you?”

“I am furious that I didn’t realize you suggested a testosterone blocker some three years ago. Haven’t I been patient enough?”

I soon settle down and we have a very good visit. I will get to see her once more during the holiday break. She did agree with Dr. Owens about keeping me on the blocker as well as the hormones, at the slightly higher dose. I got shots for both today and a prescription for the hormones.

I am glad to have Deputy Reed help me to shop for Gram’s gift. She helps me select a cute pair of earrings for Cousin Heather. I got an iTunes card for Sara along with a $15 card for Victoria’s Secrets.

Tiffany Reed has become my favorite Aunt. She has a way of getting me to open up to her. She has promised whatever I tell her stays with us. There are exceptions, but they’re reasonable.

Saturday afternoon I go out with Heather and some girls and we meet up with boys after shopping. Karen and Rhonda met us at the mall. Snow was falling so our getting together with boys was short. Tyler Harp thought I’d match up with him.

I chose to remain with Karen. With the excuse of saying we needed to look at a skirt, we took some time to be alone. “Karen, I hope I don’t offend you. I do want to keep you as a friend, but I want to be honest.”

Karen is downcast; she is expecting bad news. I’m afraid she’s going to get angry or feel sick about it. I almost didn’t say it. “Karen, I like boys liking me, but I don’t have strong feelings for them.”

She knows I have not said all that I want to, but I’m stuck and not saying everything seems right. Finally, she says, “You can trust me to be your friend. Please tell me what you need to say, I can handle it.”

I look to her and take hold of one of her hands. “I still have feelings for you… Warm feelings.”

Karen quickly relaxes and smiles, “I was afraid you didn’t want to see me again. I wasn’t sure if you were ever really attracted to me. I first thought it was weird you wanted my cheer sweater. Didn’t you realize I had feelings for Bryce? I’m not sure what I think about being a lesbian. I don’t like other girls, but I continue to have feelings for you.”

We both hug, but we’re not comfortable kissing, so we don’t.

I am glad when we need to go home that Rhonda and Karen decide not to travel home in the snow and dark.

Grams makes me promise I’ll act purely as a girl if she lets us sleep in the same room. I’m glad as among other things they helped me wrap gifts. Rhonda tells us, “You two can share the floor together if you promise not to do anything more than a kiss.”

“Why would you say anything like that,” I ask?

Rhonda says, “Because Karen has a lot of feelings for you. They were for Bryce, but she’s still got feelings for you. Now that she’s happy; I figured that must have been what you two talked about. …I am sure Karen has done research like I did. I can’t say I expected it, but I’m not at all surprised you both have the hots for each other.

We compare our searches about me and agree that I am here to stay as Elaine. Grams checks on us before she goes to bed. I thought we’re in trouble as the three of us were examining me: my blossoming buds and we’re measuring around my hips when Grams knocked and opened the door.

Grams is comfortable with what we’re doing saying she remembered doing similar things with her girlfriends as well as my Mom doing the same. Karen says, “But you were both naturally girls.”

Grams says, “As I said before, as long as Bryce doesn’t show up I’m comfortable. If you would, please write down her measurements and stick them in a pocket of her purse. Better yet note it someplace in her personal information.

The closer we get to Christmas the more nervous I’m becoming worried about my family coming. Christmas Eve, we go to dinner at Cousin Heather’s; we’re to go to church at 11:00. Aunt Kenda is a Native American of the Dakota nation. Heather and Dakota the oldest daughter have their mother’s beautiful black hair and high cheekbones. Tala who is nineteen and in college takes after the Newton side of the family. She is attractive in her own right. I had been to Dakota’s wedding when I became a teenager and knew she had a baby but didn’t know Dakota’s six months pregnant. She’s hoping she’ll have a girl.

Heather enlightens me, they don’t have Christmas with my family because of my parents. My father had always been critical of Kenda for keeping her Native name. Many people call her Kendra, which she doesn’t mind. But that over the years Dad has become more derogatory causing the relationships to be severed. The last time they’ve all been together was Gramp's funeral. Some say it was the last time Dad had been civil. The truth is dad was real careful around whom he said what.

Kenda has the meal well in hand, so when she greets me she insists I spend time with her and Dakota. “Elaine, you are at ease in your skin that is very good. Would you mind if we have a meditative time after dinner before or after church?”

Kenda tells me she believes in Christ; Heather says her Dad and all of us know many Dakota traditions. They share gifts after dinner with Grams and I. I have my gift for Heather. Heather and the Newtons give me two pieces of Dakota gold jewelry. One is a bracelet of golden strands woven together and the other is similar but it’s a choker with a black onyx bead.

I don’t yet know jewelry very well, but when Grams says, “Oh my.” It confirms the feelings inside that they have honored me and not held my parents against me. My uncle is excused along with Dakota’s husband.

Tala, Heather, Dakota, and Grams all know what is happening as Kenda speaks in her native tongue. I am caught by surprise when Kenda reaches under Dakota’s skirt. Dakota winces but quickly smiles as her mother touches my head and then my lips and asks me to suck from her finger. She again says something in her language and then in English. “Elaine you are a woman, but you should give thanks to Bryce; he has served you well.” There are tears in both eyes as I speak with thanks to Bryce and ask his spirit to abide within.

There’s a mixture of honey, oats, nuts and spices and herbs I do not know. Kenda asks for my cousins to use two fingers and for each to feed me from the bowl. Kenda uses a silver needle to pierce my right ear. Heather dabs an earring with alcohol before putting it in through my ear. Kenda has my other ear and she’s ready to pierce it as well. Heather says as she places in the other earring. “You are stronger than a warrior for you nurture life instead of killing it.”

Kenda says, “Avoid thoughts or things that define limitations. Embrace who you know yourself to be.” Kenda speaks once more in her language and Grams says “Amen.” Tala hugs me whispering “Tanksi, you are our younger sister, Tanksi, from now on. We are family that will help to raise you to maturity.”

Dakota takes me by the hand, “Come we both need to freshen up.” I follow her into her old room now belonging to Heather. She changes in front of me and I am taken with how beautiful she is to me. She says, “You should learn to be content with your breasts. That does not start when they are as you desire, but you become content with them.”

I sit between Grams and Heather who is next to her mother. Heather says, “Mom says you need to accept the love the Christ child has for you. The Angels proclaimed the joy is for all people.”

I tell her, “But so many people say I am terrible and abomination.”

Grandma says, “The Bible says the joy is for you. You told me, you believe in Jesus Christ. The Apostle Paul says, ‘We are saved by faith and by the grace of God.’ Do not worry about those who speak contrary to God.”

The Candlelight service speaks to me eloquently, simply and to my heart. Kenda’s encouragement helps me to relax and receive from God.

Christmas morning came with the usual joy, then again it was Grams and me. I remember Christmases for a long time, came with joyous expectation shrouded with trepidation which usually showed the ugly side of expectations. This Christmas Grams and I made a big breakfast for two. We enjoy digging through our Christmas stockings and opened gifts. The clothing I receive is much to my liking. Seemingly my friend Deputy Tiffany shared with Grams what I like and the correct sizes for me.

I gave Grandma a locket with a picture of Sara and me on one side and Heather and I for the other side. I was happy when late in the afternoon we went to neighbors. Adrian Stephens has three children, Tanya and Bree, I’ve met several times. Blake their son is close to my age, we hadn’t met before but he is cool at our first meeting. We had homemade soup, cheese, and bread.

It’s an hour later when I want to go home that’s when Blake warms up to me. We’re in the same grade but he’s half a year older. We’re tapping a balloon around with his sisters. The girls and I are usually keeping the balloon away from Blake. Finally, I grab the balloon when it goes in Blake’s direction. Blake calls a foul and grabs me and takes me to the ground.

Mom Stephens raises her voice at him, “Blake, since when do you go tackling a young woman?’

He says in his defense, “Mom, she’s been selected, all-conference quarterback. Plus she grabbed the balloon so I didn’t get a chance to hit it. She’s the one who’s been unfair. …From on top of me, he offers a hand to help me up. “I’m sorry I tackled you; I’m surprised how soft and cuddly you are. I thought you’d be a football player in girl’s clothes.” Even now that I am standing his left arm and hand are wrapped around my waist.

I smirk as I remember a time in eighth grade when I bumped and fell onto a girl. I was embarrassed when I held onto her as such but she liked the attention and we ate lunch together that day. Blake didn’t realize I threw a hip into him as we connected. It is not so much that I like him, but I wanted him to like me. I think I’ve succeeded.

Grams later told me she and Mrs. Stephens noticed and thought I was becoming dangerous with my feminine wiles. Grams asks, “How did you develop responses like that so soon in being a girl?”

“Grams, I’ve been Elaine three years now, if not longer.” I am coming to realize even as Sara’s little brother, I was really her sister. I had learned many of the things she did.

My Mom called Christmas night to wish us a Merry Christmas and share that she was bringing a three-bean casserole for dinner. Sara got on the phone to say Merry Christmas and we were able to talk a couple of minutes. I ask to say hello to my Dad and Sara tries to give him the phone. I can hear dad in the background say, “Tomorrow will be soon enough. It doesn’t sound like he’s come to his senses yet! I hope the gifts aren’t wasted on him.”

I speak louder over the phone, “Daddy, your little boy is a growing young woman, please learn to accept that.” I think calling their land phone gave Dad the pleasure of slamming the phone down.

The next morning Grams and I are up early to have a relaxing breakfast before preparing the lion’s portion of the family Christmas dinner. Dinner would not be until 1:30 and my parents and Sara are coming around 11:00. I’m hoping and praying to get a good two hours with my sister.

Grams has purchased a good size beef roast and chicken. She’s the rare person who uses the rotisserie implement in the oven. Grams had thawed out two containers of her homegrown vegetables and I chopped up some potatoes. She soon had a slow cooker heating up what would be her recipe of vegetable soup. She had extra corn to serve as a side dish.

This morning as I dressed, I decided to dress up like me with no forms to help my looks. Between my breasts growing and my padded bra, my breasts are still nicely noticeable. I let Grams greet my family, so as to not to present myself to my Dad right off. Sara came to the kitchen announcing she was peeling the potatoes. We hug and I ask if I could help. She’s actually happy to have the help. Sara, “O’ Elaine, your buds have begun to blossom and it looks like your hips are even more girly.” We giggled as she knew her saying that made me happy.

Shortly after we have the potatoes peeled, cut and in the pot with water; Sara went out the back door and to their car. She brought back a package with a towel wrapped around it. She had a stuffed bear that I had had and in some wrapping paper, she had another gift. She insisted we go to my room to open it privately. I’m already hoping by the shape of the box and I wasn’t disappointed. There’s a doll, unlike most others. She had two front teeth, she not pudgy like a baby doll, nor awfully slender like a Barbie. She has a medium figure. Her hair is dark like I would want. She came with three extra outfits and patterns for making more clothes.

I’m changing into my third outfit when my Mom comes into seeing what we’re doing. She sends a mixed message saying, “You look very nice.” She turns and told Sara, “You shouldn’t be in here encouraging her to see herself as a girl.”

“But Mom look at her, what else can I call her looking like this?” Mom is saved from responding when my cousins Chase and his young sister Violet knock and come into the room. Violet is excited to see my new doll and the room. “Elaine, if I come and stay the night at Grams can I stay in this room?”

Aunt Julie soon comes into the room, “Merry Christmas Elaine and everybody. Is it required that we congregate here if we want to have time with Elaine?”

Mom points out that we will all be eating in the dining room as well as opening gifts later on.

I go out to help Grams with getting food dished up and onto the table. Grams has me slice the roast beef. I had practiced yesterday and a little today on a loaf of French bed. Dad notices me once we’re at the table and I’m complimented for my slicing job. Dad barks out, “Some of the worlds finer cooks are men. You did do a nice job, Bryce.” There is silence, but that’s all.

Grandma says the table grace and we have a good Christmas dinner. After dinner and the table is cleared off; we begin to give Christmas gifts. My first gift is from my family and it is a championship jersey celebrating our conference championship and our making it to the state football playoffs. I really like it until I turn it around and see Bryce’s name over the top of the jersey on the back. My thanks were simple, if not sincere.

The second time I receive a gift from my family I say before I open it: “If this is another gift for Bryce I don’t want it.”

Dad says, “Don’t act like a baby, you know better than to refuse a gift?”

“I don’t want a gift meant for someone else.”

Mom says, “Please open it if there is something you don’t like it can probably be changed.”

It weighs a bit heavy, I’m hoping it could be a nice jewelry box, though I’m pretty sure it isn’t. I begin to see the box the gift is in, ‘toolbox.’ I open it and it has tools I could use working on our lawn tractor and the family cars and a pickup truck. There is the security of an identity name plate fastened onto the side of the box with Bryce’s name. I quit unwrapping and go running to my room.

I didn’t expect that my father would come chasing after me. Sara and Grams yell for him to leave me alone. I dove onto my bed crying, but my father has me by the arm pulling me off the bed. I’m barely able to get my feet underneath me.

“Let me go, Dad! You have a court order that you can’t do this.”

He yells back, “You started it by embarrassing me in front of family. I think the law will understand.” With him this close, I am able not only able to smell beer on his breath. He’s snuck something else to drink.

My cry changes, “Daddy how could you be getting drunk during the family Christmas?”

He denies being drunk, “I’ve had a couple of beers that does not make me drunk. And I don’t want my sissy of a son, telling me what I am or am not doing. You screwed up your life why should I listen to you.”

“How dare you; leave me alone Daddy. Get out of my room or I’ll scream.”

Grandma and Uncle Matt come in, Uncle Matt saying, “Mike that’s enough, I’m asking you to leave her alone and go back to the living room.”

Dad says, “And are you going to stop me if I take Bryce home instead of going back to the living room.” Grams is on her phone and I already hit call for Officer Reed.

I’m answering her call, when I hear Uncle Matt say, “Yes if I need to.”

“Tiffany can you hurry and come here. My Dad is threatening to take me home. He has already grabbed me and dragged me off of my bed.”

Tiffany asks, “Elaine, are you alright and safe?”

“I don’t think I’m hurt, but I’m not safe either.”

Tiffany asks, “Who’s talking in the background? It sounds like two different men.”

I say, “My uncle Matt has now gotten in between me and my dad. We already had dinner and were opening presents.”

Tiffany says, “Good Elaine, I am on my way to my car; please continue to talk to me. I contacted our dispatcher, another deputy should be in route along with my coming. Did someone there already call this in?”

I look to Grams and she’s off the phone looking at me. I say, “Maybe Grams did.” Grams has come over to me and with an arm around me leads me out of the room. She takes me to her room.

Faintly we hear a siren, as Dad walks passed Grams room talking to my Uncle. He asks Uncle Matt, “Please go along with me so we can keep this a family matter and keep the police out of this.” Uncle Matt doesn’t answer, yes or no. The sound of a siren goes off as it arrives to our house. Grams hadn’t heard it until it got here.”

Grams asks, “Please stay in my room until I’m sure things are safe. I’ll ask Aunt Julie to come and be with you. Only allow her into the room.” Soon there’s a knock on the door as the doorbell rings. Aunt Julie asks me to unlock the door and let her in. Soon we’re asked out to meet with the officers and others. Mom is holding onto Dad as she stares at me. I think she doesn’t want me to say anything.

Dad says, “Officers it’s just a family matter and everything is under control. Why don’t you just acknowledge that and let us continue our Christmas time.”

Tiffany says, “I got a call from your daughter, Elaine says everything was not all right. Elaine would you please tell me what happens?”

“I was disappointed with two gifts I received and I ran to my room crying. My Dad followed me and grabbed my arm and drug me off my bed. We exchanged words and I was afraid he was going to hurt me. Uncle Matt came into the room, Grams was with him. Uncle Matt came between us. As they were talking, I contacted you, Officer Tiffany. Grams took me to her room where I stayed until you arrived.”

Tiffany asks, “Matt White, is it? Please tell me what happened.”

Matt says, “As she said, we were exchanging gifts and as she was opening one she became disappointed. She regained her composure and continued to open it until she got to a nameplate that was ribbited on. She looked at it, was disappointed and went running to her room crying. Mike her Dad followed her. It was only when I heard a scream that I went in to make sure things remained okay. Mike had hold of her arm and told me things were okay. He just needed to tell his son he was rude and needed to go out and apologize. After he let go of her and I stepped in between them. Things soon subsided. I had heard her accuse him of drinking too much. He denied it, saying he wasn’t going to be corrected by her.”

Officer Ron asked, “We’re their words heated or did you see him drag her off the bed?”

“No, I didn’t see him drag her off the bed, but he did have a firm grip on her arm.” He continued, “Heated words between those two is nothing new. She really had not said much about the gift, she just left and went to her room. I heard him shout that she embarrassed him. That was when she sounded afraid and I went in to make sure everyone was okay.”

Officer Reed said, “Mr. Royce, I understand you were invited here for a family Christmas gathering. But I believe your grabbing your daughter and saying derogatory things to her, oversteps the intention of the invite and goes contrary to your actions against your daughter.”

Dad is getting angrier, “I have only one daughter and I did not grab or hurt her. I was just acting to correct the rudeness of my son. It is bad anytime; rudeness has no place at Christmas time.”

Officer Ron, “It sounds like you are the one who was rude. I would like you to voluntarily come down to the Sheriff’s office. I prefer that over arresting you and charging you.”

Dad says for everyone to hear, “Grandmother, I feel sorry for any trouble I caused. But I feel hurt that I was invited here for Christmas and was set up for this involvement of the police. I am going to the Sheriff’s office, but then I will be going home and not coming back here.”

Dad grabbed his glass of water and gulped it down. “Okay, Officer I am ready to go with you. Is it all right if my wife and I follow you in our car?” They collected their gifts and casserole bowl and left.

It wasn’t until they were gone that people wondered about how Sara is to get home. Sara finally asked, “Do you think I could stay here tonight and someone take me home in the morning?”

Around 8 o’clock, Grams called my Mother’s phone. Uncle Matt had already agreed to give Sara a ride home in the morning. Mom agreed that would be a good idea. She made it sound like the time at the sheriff’s office was Dad allowing us to cool down. And that the police agreed he was in the right and did not charge him. Seemingly at that point, Dad takes over the phone telling Matt, “You better bring her home bright and early, or I’m coming to pick them both up. Do you hear me?”

Uncle Matt held the phone away from his ear until Dad stopped his ranting. Then Uncle Matt said, “I’ll have Sara home by nine unless it would be alright to let her stay a few days.”

Dad yells back, “And why would I do that?”

Matt said, “It would give you a few days without your girls. You and Audrene could enjoy yourselves with some peace and quiet.”

There’s a pause before Dad says, “I guess Audrene could use some time away from those bratty kids.”

After the conversation was over and Uncle Matt says, “He’s given permission for Sara to stay until Friday.” Sara and I both rush over to give uncle a hug. I get three days with my sister…

To be continued…