Absinthe, Opium and Honor…Chapters 30 & 31

Chapter 30...

I wake and resist the urge to stretch it’s been awhile almost three weeks actually it’s not my arm or my bruises but it’s my ribs. I had no idea that bruised ribs would suck this much. I can breathe now, well I could but it doesn’t hurt and twinge me with pain like they did.

But I’ve cat stretched twice without thinking and so not a good thing to do with bruised ribs. No it’s my range of motion that can hurt me and things like that. I’m home, while it was nice to have Sasha taking care of me I think I’m getting more and more independent and after three days I moved back to my place. It’s nothing on Sasha but it’s just that feeling that makes you have that good sigh…being home, my own space.

And Sasha could get back to her own things.

Hot water and half a lemon first thing…it’s a blood cleanser thing everyone says this will help you detox more than anything else. I’m on hormones even if they’re now and they can be hard on you no matter the doses you take. So hot water with lemon every morning now and while I’m getting ready plus the vitamin C’s good for me too.

I can use my broken arm pretty well it’s kind of amazing how far they’ve come with casts and stuff. It’s about three times lighter than the one I had as a kid. I have mine now painted in these really pretty acrylics of flowers and faeries and some vines with strawberries. Hey, I’m an arts major besides it’s pretty and I love pretty things. I wrap my cast for my shower and get cleaned up and then dressed or at least partways as I get my morning started before classes.

I want a juicer.

I know random thought right but I’ve been playing around with my blender and I’ve started to use juices for a boost every morning. I’ve got lots of bottles of juice here in my fridge. This morning it’s tomato juice, carrot juice a shot of prune juice…don’t laugh there’s a lot of good for you stuff there, and I add it a dash of Worcestershire sauce, a squeeze of tube tomato paste and salt and fresh ground black pepper and a tablespoon of whey powder for protein. See I take a multivitamin and all that but this really is a booster mostly because a vitamin pill doesn’t work as well as people think.

Breakfast is for me a sandwich usually. Whole wheat pita’s good and stays with me and I’ll just stuff it with some mixed greens and some cut tomato and cucumber and a scrambled egg and some cottage cheese.

Teeth brushed and then into my jogging stuff and my corset…it helps actually a bit and want to take the chance and actually train my waist. I go meet Sasha with my bottle of water. I’m not doing everything or even running hard but we still jog. It hurts but not badly just an easy lope. Sasha’s of the opinion that getting the blood pumping and everything sends all the stuff I need inside to heal faster. That and I’m kind of hooked now on feeling that exercise everyday feeling. I’m not swimming so that got replaced with Sasha teaching me how to dance better, the really nice stuff not the club dancing stuff.

It sounds like I’m a heath nut or something but I’m trying to live just better than I did as a guy and trying to work into a better shape…literally. I feel good like this and then I when I want to indulge I don’t worry about it. I like looking nice…I think I look nice.

I’m going by the looks and head turns that I get while jogging with Sasha though. Mind you she literally defines lovely and beautiful in my books. But when you hear “Check out the hot blonde.” Well I’m the blonde.

I’m not the type to really let that get to my head though. There is a huge difference between knowing you’re attractive and being thankful for the gifts that have come my way. I hate anyone boy…girl…both…I hate the people that are good looking and know it but still you better know it too. I hate that they use it like a weapon, like a way of being better than others.

My mother and sister are prime examples but look around everywhere and they’re all over the place. I will smile at someone that smiles at me, I’ll thank someone for opening the door or moving out of my way for me. I don’t avoid looking at anyone.

That’s my biggest burn zone. And it’s not just the “Pretty people.” just there’s a lot of people in this world that don’t fit the media mold, that aren’t skinny or even average, they are what really makes up most of society. But there’s these…fuckers that see an overweight person, or some one with psoriasis, or just something that doesn’t jive with mainstream and they look anywhere but at that person. I want to see everyone, everyone has something amazing about them right? Isn’t that what we keep saying to ourselves.

I had been asked earlier this week at LGBT if I had one wish in all the world what would it be?

“I’d wish that everyone looked the way they were really on the inside on the outside.”

Wouldn’t that be nice? Honest, to show everything, to be who we are deep deep down on the outside? It’d be scary too. Imagine how truly ugly or horrifying some people could be.

It’s the girls that attacked me that have me thinking this way. Them and the whole thing has been a long drawn out pain in the ass and other places. I really, really had bitten off more than I thought with this whole thing defending the girls that hurt me.

But I guess I like my causes like I like my men…big and really hard.

We’d been getting together and trying to get signatures to sway the Dean and the school. It was two days of arguments over it at the schools LGBT meeting rooms and only a third agreed with me that we should show we’re better, that we can forgive and that these girls need another chance. A third didn’t want to get into this at all or didn’t care and the rest were against it and wanted blood. That got pretty screamy as there was a whole lot of the L’s up in arms over it all.

Neela and Karin being on my side threw some for a loop, there was some saying that I wasn’t a woman and that me doing this was encouraging violence against women. It’s funny and sad that they were the ones right on the edge of getting violent about it also.

The guy that thought I was cute was also on the hit list of most of those people even though he has just made a passing comment about me to his friends and we’ve still never met…there was some of them there that said this was his fault and plan from the start.

The turning point finally came when I ended up talking to the media about it. It wasn’t huge, huge news but local news, bloggers and a few others carried the story and I caught flak and praise both.

It sort of boiled down to this.

Q: So you’ve been advocating on the side of the three girls that attacked you why?

A: I think they made a mistake, that this was and is something that they deeply regret even happening.

Q: But they assaulted you and you were badly injured and had to be taken to the hospital?

A: Unfortunately yes but kids make mistakes and I make mistakes, being stupid happens.

Q: But it’s like you’re saying what they did was alright.

A: No, it wasn’t alright. I’m not saying that they shouldn’t get away with it either that’s something other people seem to think that I’m saying. What I mean is that this was a sheerly stupid thing they did out of prejudice and jealousy and they need to learn from it not have their lives and other lives ruined over it.

Q: Ruined? They committed assault with bodily harm and some could even say attempted murder and it’s a hate crime. You don’t think that should be treated seriously? Others might see this as open season on LGBT persons such as yourself.

A: One it’s still largely open season on the LGBT even in these days. You don’t fight ignorance and prejudice with force. And if these girls are convicted there will be other people hurt, maybe a lot of them.

Q: A lot of them for having justice done.

A: Justice can have mercy and honor. These girls get everything thrown at them for example. They go to prison for who knows how long. They have this on their records for the rest of their lives. They lose their place here at college and that will probably keep them from getting into another school or getting a good job even after they get out of prison and that’s not counting what might happen to them on the inside. But that’s not all either. You think the attitudes they had came from nowhere, they learned this stuff. You think that the people close to them are going to be LGBT friendly after these girls get thrown away into prison? They’ll take that out on other LGBT people and that leads into an ever growing spiral of hate and bullshit. What are the chances any LGBT kid might have in those families if this happens. I want to break that chance of happening. If me standing up for them making a mistake changes just one haters mind out there then that’s more than good. If I can make someone just stop and think that being different isn’t the end of the world or a bad reflection on them it’s worth it.

Q: That might not ever happen, then what?

A: Then nothing, I’m trying to turn the other cheek. This is about more than the four of us really it’s about the message. I’m not just fighting the whole haters on the “Straight.” side of things either there’s way too many people out for blood on this.

Q: And the message is?

A: Different isn’t bad or wrong and people make mistakes. We all should learn from our mistakes not be destroyed by them. This world should be better than that. My world is better than that.

Well that got passed around for about a week and I went when called to the Dean’s office and said pretty much the same thing and with him again with the board and there was lots of talking about it and they had finally agreed to not kick the girls out and not to revoke the scholarships from the school itself. They couldn’t say what the other places that gave the girls their scholarships would do and that’s out of their hands.

He took the matter up with the CP and I and Karin had to go to court to testify. Kare had more to say about the actual event them me because well I experienced it and there wasn’t much I could technically add to things. I did get to speak my piece to the judge. And I think I swayed her some.

I was right there were some haters there in their families. I got some looks that should’ve killed me. Those looks changed after I said my peace to the judge and the courtroom.

I’ll say this the girls had spent the entire time in jail, not prison but jail and even in the women’s section of the Vancouver jail it’s not pretty or nice Vancouver for all it’s charm is a city with it’s dark side and these girls had a really terrifying taste. They all were crying, they all looked like hell and they all couldn’t look me in the eyes.

They in the end got charged with some pretty serious fines. Reckless endangerment and Assault plead down with leniency and intercession of the victim…me all came down to twenty months of community service with the LGBT, twenty two hundred dollars in fines, three years of probation and mandatory sessions in anger management and court appointed therapy. No prison time….there was also a stern and firm lecture from the judge as to their behavior and how lucky they were that some people still had the belief that they were still good girls at heart but if they didn’t adhere to all the conditions they’d be looking at five to seven years in prison.

There was a lot of crying and some relief but there was still some anger there with some of the family, at the girls, at me, at the judge. But there was also looks that had changed too during the length of the trial.

I never was thanked by the girls or their families and they avoid me anytime they see me at the food hall or the LGBT meetings.

And I’m good with that.

Catherine Morris was the girl that started it being the girlfriend of the guy in question ended up getting dumped by the guy. I honestly don’t blame him really. I’m just saying the court ordered therapy with her might just be a good idea.

I’m just glad that it’s over.

Chapter 31...

Sasha looks at me as we get done the light jog and I’m pacing and sweating and drinking my water. “You okay? You seen a bit angrier than usual.”

“Yeah, just some hormones working with the stuff that’s been going through my head.”

She nods. “Anything serious?”

“Yes, no…I just been getting fed up with the way that people are always treating other people.”

“Okay, but that’s not going to change anytime soon Jamie.”

“I know but it was just so easier to just bottle things up before and ignore them.”

“Welcome to the better part of being female.” She actually smiles at that and I get it and smile back.

“Okay, yeah I’d rather feel all of this and be hurt by it then go back to the way I was living.”

“But it’s an adjustment isn’t it?”

“Yeah but I like it, I like being myself even though there’s stuff that gets to me now.”

“Jamie, you are who you’ve always been a bunch of hormones hasn’t changed that. They can’t they’re not miracle hormones their just hormones. It’s you just being you that’s doing it. The hormones just sot of loosen out emotions up in a different way.”

“You…always have this way of just putting things into perspective…” I tell her as I walk over and kiss her passionately.

Sasha breaks the kiss. “That’s the advantage of getting older and wiser love. Let’s go upstairs ad shower.”

We head upstairs and take our little blue helpers and shower together and it’s something we actually do a lot, yeah my arms wrapped and I’m still recovering but still it’s so good after exercising to feel her soapy sexy body against mine and her washing me and my breasts…I really, really love my breasts…honestly I’m not sure if I’d be as much me without them. Well I’d still be me but they’ve become such a part of me and my psyche now that they’re utterly me.

We go from the shower to my bed and make love to each other. We again do this a lot, usually after our exercise times together. It just goes together I guess like coffee and a smoke or a smoke after sex. I’m just guessing at that. I’m a non-smoker as a rule. Yes as a rule. I smoked a bit in high school and that didn’t take, like I smoked pot in high school and even here before I got to be me. The stoner bit had been literally a smoke screen for my gender and sexuality denials. The only time I will have a smoke is if I’m drinking hard liquor and I’m pretty looped. But I really don’t get looped anymore either so I’m pretty much a non-smoker.

But I’m still on the fence on whether or not I’m a sex addict. I’d have to say no because I don’t have sex with just anyone. I actually haven’t slept with that many people. It’s just I have a lot of sex with the ones I have been with. Except Michelle…the nurse…and honestly I wouldn’t mind seeing her again. I’d like our encounter to be more than a single encounter. But I’m like that with people, there are just sometimes people that tell my heart yes. Like her, or Neela or even Karin.

But with Sasha and I this is just something else. We are so close, so loving and sexual and separate hat it’s like nothing I knew could happen and yet, we do what we do. Lovers can be friends. You don’t have to get any more complicated than that sometimes. We kiss goodbye and I get cleaned up some more and get changed and I do my hair and make up for the day and put on a touch of opium and slip into my clothes. It’s getting cooler and heading into the later part of the fall so I go with some leggings. I have a nice collection of those except for the jeggings thing. Tights are tights and jeans are jeans please don’t wear jeggings they’re an insult to good jeans.

Anyway I go with those in a nice sot of eggshell tone with a knit look to them. I love that look of those honestly and get into another corset this one a bit naughtier and push up shelf built into it and put on my new dress. I made this one and it’s a peasant blouse cut top and it’s just above my knee long with elbow length sleeves but the fabric is this nice cotton print I found that is a light rose color and I tricked it out with this cute lace machined trim that actually has the shapes of wild strawberries and stuff as the pattern.

I put some bangles on my non-casted wrist and add this plastic girls pink heart gem necklace on that settles into my cleavage and I pin my I-pod mini to this three inch old school cloth strawberry shortcake doll I hot glued a safety pin to the back of.

Yes I like strawberries. One I’m from Ontario and we have great strawberries there. Two they’re the only fruit I know that’s red and often heart shaped. And three the whole thing is cute and girly and I feel like being cute and girly today. Even if this really is more of a summer look.

I go with a simple wedge heel in light brown that sort of has some red to it and them get my bags and stuff and walk to class.

I meet up with everyone at the coffee kiosk and get several compliments on my look and Neela just shakes her head.

“What?”

“I could never wear that.”

“No, this is definitely not you.”

“It’s just so… lipstick.”

“Thank you it’s sort of the look I was going for.”

“Better you than me.”

Karin’s looking at me. “You look really nice Jamie.”

“Thanks Kare.” I smile at her. “You look great too.”

Actually they all do really. Noel and Henna are sort of as girly as me but Neela has the business skirt ensemble going on and she looks great in charcoal with a great sense of taste. I like the black lace and green bra she’s showing under her dark green satin top and there’s some of that green in her make-up too and with her being hindi it just pops.

Karin is just as good looking too in her own very butch les style. Suit with pants but more of a real cross between the men’s cuts but like…well knowing her she did buy a men’s suit and took it to be custom tailored. I really like the satin camisole she’s wearing with it and it really shows off her breasts and cleavage. I’m guessing a strapless bra. Bur with her hair in this really perfect ponytail and just some nice jewelry she’s very…strapping?

I mean guy styled, girl styled handsome in a sexy feminine butch way. I’m attracted but I like both these girls and honestly can see why they both do have a lot of the lesbian girl interest.

I also think by the way Karin is sort of looking at me and at Noel she has a thing for the girly girls as a dating preference. No I’m not going there even yet with her, she still needs to relax off the alpha female stuff a lot more but she is getting better. A lot better actually.

Rick and Tommy join us and they’re cheerfully greeted by all as Tommy bought our morning drinks this morning and Rick brought the treats. He’s baking some now. I know almost a stereotype but really it’s not. It’s just he can actually cook much to everyone’s surprise including himself. He got into it over thanksgiving when he went home to Tommy’s place as the Boyfriend.

That was a big bit of nothing. Tommy went home for Thanksgiving and he convinced Rick to go with him. They both came out then. Rick’s family I guess are still freaked out. His dad’s reaction was. “But he’s…he’s so good at sports?” and I guess his mom is sort of okay with it. His sibs and the rest are a mixed bag of reactions. It was funny I guess that Rick’s paternal grandfather approves of Tommy because he’s going to be an architect and not something silly or useless. The man was apparently an engineer of some kind.

Tommy’s family didn’t care in the least except for the general thoughts of gay means swishy and camp. But Rick actually got corralled by some of the family women in that whole assumption of connection that he’s the bottom and therefore…

Turns out they were right. I get the connection, Rick is the bottom, he and Tommy have that kind of relationship. Tommy and I did, that’s just Tommy and he’s an excellent guy. But with being the bottom and loving and taking care of your guy comes common ground. It wasn’t “Gay” or like the whole fag haggy thing but they clicked. Rick even said that some of Tommy’s female relatives are pretty butch tough chicks themselves with a fire fighter aunt and a mechanic and the rest kind of those lumber industry town girls or farming. But he had a knack for cooking he never even knew he had until he was helping out. And Tommy cooks too so it’s cheaper to make than buy sometimes.

I smile taking my large Japanese green tea and a cookie. Mmm…really good too, a plain sort of white sugar cookie but with lemon in it and a lemon glaze. Just tart in the right way to the sweet and goes great with my tea.

I’m reaching for another and meet a strange hand.

A really big hand.

Attached to this really big black guy.

Oh…

He’s dark too, that really nice coffee color and he’s tall, like taller and bigger than Tommy and rippling with muscles and he’s got these tight neat long braids that really work for him and the thing that stuns me.

These incredible green eyes.

Tommy grins. “Jamie this is my cousin Jax, Jax… This…is Jamie.”

Jax gives me this really sweet smile and he holds the cookie to my lips. “Half?”