Absinthe, Opium and Honor…Chapters 15 & 16.

Chapter 15

It was all very surreal and Déjá -vu as I led a shaking and scared and miserable Danny upstairs into my loft. I made some hot chocolate and looked at him as I stirred it. “Danny?”

“Yes…” his voice was really meek sounding.

“Why? Why me?”

“I dunno? Scared I guess of what’s going on in my head. But not just that, it’s not being able to get you out of my mind.”

I walk over with the hot chocolates and set him his on my coffee table. “I’m not really the best one to talk to about this. This life isn’t really a choice as much as it’s a choice.”

“What do you mean?”

“I knew, I knew as soon as I set my eyes on her that that was the real me.”

“I’m not sure that I get it?”

“I wanted it all, to be tied up, to have the soft skin and the breasts to suck her cock down my throat and have her fuck me into a different person. The real me. Teach me train me remold me.”

“Are you sure that you really want to go down that road and stop being Danny?”

“I..I…I don’t think I can…but Jamie what’s wrong with me am I gay?”

“You might be, have you been with a girl yet?”

“Y..Yeah a few times.”

“Did you like it?”

“Y..yeah….”

“Do you still want to fuck me?”

“Yes!”

“Do you still want me to fuck you….uhm….yes?”

“Sorry Danny you’re not like me. At most I think you’re bisexual and you’ve been fighting it so much it’s freaking you out. It’s okay, human sexuality is a scary thing. But I’m not going to sleep with you.”

“What? Why not?”

“Because I’m not that kind of girl. I’m not having sex with you Danny just because you want it. I’m not your sexuality beta test. I’ll be with someone when I want to be with someone and after the last little while that might be awhile…and that’s even with the ones I’m currently lovers with.”

“But…but…what do I do?”

“Go to the LGBT meets, talk to people, listen if you don’t want to talk about stuff but just don’t go running off to Davey street with a I’m a virgin bust my cherry sign on. Be smart about this.”

“But you weren’t?”

“No, I wasn’t and yet I walked into it with my eyes wide open too. I’d been covering who and what I really am all my life Danny. Deep down something like this you just know…there’s no going back either…I mean look at my place, you’ve been here before.”

“Yeah…” He gets up and passes me the empty cup of hot chocolate. “This place is so not the Jamie I was doing Bong hits with at the start of the year. This is kinda a chick place.”

“Kinda of a chick place?”

“Yeah…, it’s just not my thing.”

“Not at all?”

“Uhm…no…”

“Danny?”

“Yeah?”

“Think about sucking Steve’s cock.”

He closes his eyes and he shudders and opens his eyes. “But…”

“Oh chill, you just have a thing for girly boys and stuff.”

“Just?”

“Yes Just…people can have some really weird kinks out there, yours is just more like having a type. Just talk to someone, maybe meet one of us…talk to her…we’re more than just that stupid she-male porn that is all over the place.”

“But I like that stuff.”

“Danny…” I let out an exasperated sigh. “Look you can find some random T-girl or lady-boi or whatever variety floats you boat and you can get ass boned and you dick waxed and that’s fine or you can find a girl that likes you and treat her good and she’ll do for you maybe what I do for my boyfriend and that fuck until we’re both out of cum.”

“But not you…”

“No. there’s been just too much between us that it’d never be right for me.”

“Okay…could I call you sometime, ask your advice and stuff?”

“Yes, you have my number.” I start leading him downstairs and see him off. I watch him go and lean in the doorway and breathe a long sigh of relief.

“Trouble?”

I jump and my first reaction was to throw my coffee cup at him but I throw like a girl and it goes about seven feet wide and somewhere out on the lawn. I then realize that it’s my landlord.

“Oh sorry Mr. Robinson, no it was trouble anymore or at least I hope he doesn’t get into any.”

“Good, I was just checking. It would do to leave a young lady in distress.”

Oh….well I guess he would know, he’s seen me at least once that I know of. “Oh thank you…?”

He smiles at me and there’s that magic there, that certain something someone has that wakes me up. He’s actually a really handsome guy. Really well built but not buff, tanned but it’s that tan of years and he’s got tone from being hiking all over in his work. Thick hair in a pony tail but it’s all that steely grey and sexy green eyes.

“You’ve changed a lot recently?”

“Yes, I’m finding myself. I’m leaning how to be myself.”

“I’ve seen you at Sasha’s.”

“Oh, you know Sasha?”

“Yes we’re very acquainted.”

“Oh…”

“How would you like to come in for a drink?”

“Okay…”

He takes me by my hand into the main house and it’s beautiful just the way he guides me that way up the steps and the way that his hand fits into the small of my back and then he opens the door for me. I’m so not dressed for this kind of attention but my heart and part of my brain is just vibratingly happy.

I like manners, I like being treated nicely, it’s a shot right into my self worth and self esteem…

Oh…oh…holy…he just turned me around and took my chin and tilted my head and pulled me to his lips and kissed me. The only way I can describe it is this is that make your heart hurt great old black and white so much better than the best kiss I’ve ever had…Turner classic movies kiss.

“I’m sorry Jamie, you just remind me of this really beautiful girl I knew once about thirty five years ago…”

“Really…?”

“Yes, you remind me so much of her and yet you are definitely you and this isn’t New York.”

“New York?”

“That’s where I met her and she left me head over heels as she took a cruise ship away from me to Europe.”

“I’m sorry.”

“If I can have one more kiss Ms. Blake I’ll forgive you.”

His eyes sparkle and I can’t help myself I’m the one kissing him next. It really doesn’t matter he pulls me in like no one else ever has before and kisses me back and over and over again until I’m stunned, dizzy and screamingly turned on…I swear every sexual nerve in my body is just waiting to have and excuse to go a bit bonkers and explode at his touch.

There is nothing, nothing like a really sexy experienced man.

And the thing is I just flat out refused Danny?

I so wasn’t into the whole getting with anyone tonight I’m really thinking that I need to stop and slow down or decompress and see someone who can help me get my head wrapped around just all the stuff about myself.

But the kiss.

And there is just something so smoking hot about him right now. It’s the age, the power in him as an older man, a man who’s lived and loved and been with how many beautiful women and he wants me…I know he wants me I can feel his hard on through his pants.

And there’s this really loud part of me screaming to just let go and sink to my knees or to bend over for him and god if that Slutty girl part of me isn’t winning out right now.

I’m right on the edge of sinking to my knees for him when he stops kissing me. “Ms. Blake how would you like to go out to a late supper with me?”

“Like a date?”

“Yes a date. I’m not seeing anyone and with my schedule I’m not here enough to have a stable relationship. So I’m asking you if you’d come out with me.”

“I’m your tenant?”

“That could just be a permanent house guest?”

“What would I have to do? I know what Sasha does and I’m not like her. I won’t just y’know.”

“Yes I know, and no I’m not asking for anything but that but you’re a full time student and starting over so you’re going to have a lot of expenses. Just come out with me when you aren’t busy with Sasha or someone else when I’m in town and keep me company and we can just be ourselves.”

“What else?”

“Well I’d still like it if you still kept the place up according to what we had already talked about.”

“But you’re not asking for sex?”

“No, if you decide that you want to sleep with me than I’d rather you decide to be with me of your own choice.”

“Can I think about it?”

“Of course, but Jamie?”

“Yes?”

“When we are out on a date fully expect me to try and win you over into spending the night.”

“That’s fair.”

“Good, I try to be a fair man.”

We kiss again but he initiates it and I linger in it almost soaking in the way that he touches me, the way that he kissed me and everything. We break the kiss and I step back into the house some more. “What’s your name Mr. Robinson?”

“Ian.”

“Well Ian, It’s late and maybe we should just eat in.”

“Let’s then I know several take out places.”

I pull him by his fingers. “I’ll cook for you, something home cooked when was the last time you had something home made?”

“In this country?”

I nod.

“Years.” He’s smiling this smile that has a little bit more behind it than sexy. “You mean it? You’ll cook for me?”

“Yes….” I drawl it out all slow and sexy. “Show me to your kitchen Ian.”

He takes me by the hand through a hall into this really big what I thing is referred to as a country kitchen. I kiss him again. “Let me look around and you get us some drinks.”

“Alright what would you like to have?”

“A beer actually would be fine Ian.”

I like the surprised look that he has on his face and he heads back the way that we came and I look through his kitchen and the larder and find a few things. He hand what was labeled caribou on a package of steak in the fridge and I take it out and some onions a touch of garlic and a package of mushrooms. I wash off a few potatoes and slice them with the skins on and drop them into the pan with a touch of oil to make pan fries. Once those are done I use the food processor to pulse the garlic and onions into small bits and then I get the same skillet I cooked the potatoes in really hot and sear the steaks after rubbing them with a lot of salt and pepper and Lea & Perrins.

I cook the steaks until they’re medium and them a bit of my beer into the pan and the buzzed up onion and garlic then the mushrooms and then take a spoon and a knob of butter and a spoonful of flour and scrap the pan making a pan-styled steak gravy.

I set the table and serve myself a small portion and serve his from the pan to the plate and there’s this look in his eyes that kind of gives me this warm fuzzy feeling and I lean over and kiss Ian long and slowly and deeply. “Enjoy, but you’re taking me dancing in your den after this.”

He kisses me back a little more. “Absolutely.”

We eat a nice meal together and I eat delicately but I still eat. As much as I like French food there’s part of me that’s a meat and potato kind of girl. I learned to cook the steak from seeing my dad do it when I was a kid, it’s funny how I remembered him cooking it when I was little at the cottage he rented up in lake country. Of course Mom and Kate hated it. I can’t even remember where the place was but I remember Dad cooking for just me and him on the brick fire pit that was on the deck.

I can’t help but smile as I eat. It’s a bittersweet memory but a good one regardless. I’m surprised too at my first taste of wild game. There’s a very different flavor to it. I actually like it.

Ian helps me with the few dishes and then escorts me to his den where her lights up the fireplace, pours me a scotch? I try it and it’s potent, earthy in a way I’m not sure of but there’s a maybe honey flavor there? It’s my first scotch and nothing else in it not even ice, Ian insisted that be the way to try it my first time. I think I like it.

He smiles like I passed some kind of test and he takes out a few records and set them up to be played. I’ve never listened to an actual record before even though I’ve picked up a few on those weekend sales.

Real old school music starts playing and Ian starts showing me how to dance to the music, the old Sinatra day stuff and singers like that and there’s a lot of them. I love every second of it and actually all thoughts about the sex stuff kind of fades into the back ground of the great time that I’m having. I’m just dressed in the same clothes as I was just up in my apartment but he’s making me feel like I’m in a killer dress and all dolled up and just honestly liked and beautiful.

Beautiful is always a great feeling but liked, and really liked just for being me is actually a lot nicer I’m finding than being lusted after. I’m almost purring I’m that contented and semi-boneless I’m that relaxed as we do several slow dances.

I walked him to the door by pulling on his hands and we kissed for a good twenty minutes in front of mine. I smile and kiss his cheek.

“Okay, When our schedules match I will go out with you Ian.”

“You will?!” He’s smiling.

“Yes, thank you for the wonderful night.”

I kiss his other cheek and step in my door.

Chapter 16

I wake smiling, feeling a lot better about myself from the night with Ian. I had dreams that have me very “Awake” and a bit sticky. I’m just getting up when there’s the knocking I’ve started to come to expect from Sasha. I go downstairs and peek through the curtain first then open my door reach out and hook her cleavage with two fingers and gently pull her inside and into a kiss.

It’s that awkward in the just right way as she’s got a tea tray from a café in one hand and her morning knap sack in the other and she’s in a blue deep v-necked tee and a moss green set of Root’s sweats over her Nike compression wear stuff. Hair in a pony tail she looks stunning as always.

She smiles as we kiss and her eyes dance as she get an idea of how hard I am and drops her bag and passes me my Macha green tea and she sinks to her knees and takes me quickly into her mouth and down her throat. God getting blown is just perfect this morning…I drink my tea with one hand while other hand gets a hold on her head by the pony tail and I lose myself in the moment and slowly fuck her face.

I’m even lasting a while until she started playing with my plug and just before I cum she said “Wait.” pleadingly, sexily…Sasha is never routine, never off and so fucking sexy and then she took a very suggestive sip of her tea looking me in my eyes playful and yet submissive and then she took me into her hot, hot deep throat…it was so hot and wet and perfect that when I came it was so strong it hurt a little.

I thumped my head against the wall and moaned. “Sashaaaaaaa….”

God I’m so fucking stealing that move. My cock felt incredible…She stands and we share another kiss and cum tastes oddly good with Macha tea flavoring it or the other way around.

We head upstairs and she’s rubbing my ass and my plug and it’s straight to the bed where she’s got me out of my panties and the plug’s pulled out and Sasha sinks into me. I love it, I love that sinking heat of her entering me and the feeling of it. We don’t have a lot of time so it’s a hard fast romp as she grips the corset I was sleeping in and uses it as a grip to hold me and control me and…and …I like being controlled.

Afterwards is a quick clean up and getting into my running gear and taking my swimming gear with me and Sasha’s cooked me up this quick breakfast of scrambled eggs in a wrap with a lot of my salad greens.

I’m getting better at the jogging thing, I know I am and while I’m not a pro at this yet she’s not losing me as much and it’s not feeling that it’s killing me. I’m actually enjoying it all or starting to.

“You were right Sasha.”

“Of course, about what though?”

“I was attacked.”

“Are you okay?” She slows to a lighter pace, there’s care and some concern there but acceptance too.

“I’m okay body wise but it really messed with my head.”

“That’s where the most of the long term damage is anyway Jamie.”

“I’m getting that, some of the self defense stuff worked and security got there in time and I had some friends help me through it along with Tommy but after they were gone and he had to leave I kind of lost it.”

“It’s a habit from being a guy, hide it, stow it away, I’m fine…until it becomes safe for us to let the fortress we’ve built up inside down. That’s when we lose it.”

“I think I need to see a professional about all of this.”

“Are you regretting your choice?”

“No, not at all this is me or nearly me. I’m more myself than I’ve ever been before but there’s other stuff I want to get straight in here from being a kid and being in hiding from who I really am that I want resolved. I just really want to start my own life, my real life.”

“I think that’s a good idea, it took me a good dozen years too late to get to where I knew I needed help. I think it’s a sign of how much you’re maturing now that some of the stuff tying you down’s been cut away.”

“Thanks Sasha, I needed to talk about that at least.”

“Good, I’m no professional but I’m always going to be there for you. We’re friends and lovers even if I’m guiding you through this.”……………….. “So…..”

“So what?” I know what she wants to know and give her a coy eyelash flutter.

“So…you were in a very horny and happy state this morning.”

“Oh….well, Ian and the real me finally met. He said you knew each other.”

“Mmmm, Ian’s a treasure. He’ll treat you good but he’ll never settle down. He’s too much a rock hound and a caver for that.”

“We’re sort of seeing each other.”

“Oh?”

“He’s waved my rent and letting me basically house sit in exchange for him trying to woo me when I’m available.”

“Are you good with a gift like that?”

“I had to think about it and yes. I mean he offered and there’s no guarantee of sex or even a date. I’m a little leery of him getting mad and changing stuff around though if he doesn’t get his way.”

“He won’t Ian’s not like that. He’s seen too much, lived out in the really real world.”

“So what’s he really like.”

“Oh, no I’m not going to wreck the treat for you Jamie but I’ll just say he’s worth it.”

“Sasha?”

“Just what do you do with all these guys, men?”

“I date them, I’m an escort in the real sense of the word. I go with them to functions and on dates when they want me for my company. Anything from business to pleasure and in between. I see only who I want, when I want and I never take payment from them in money.”

“But how to you live?”

“Oh I accept gifts. I don’t see married men unless they’re widowers. Most of these guys are confirmed bachelors who want someone to show them a good time.”

“So do you have sex with them all?”

“Yes, but not all of the time. But that’s because I’ll only see the ones that I want to sleep with.”

“Huh…so I don’t have to put out for Ian?”

“No…but yes…”

“Okay I don’t get it?”

Sasha gives me this mischievous smile. “Oh trust me you’ll want to make love with Ian.”

“Oh…”

She nods. “Oh…and even more oh.”

We laugh and giggle our way into out TG friendly swim class and we laugh and swim and have a great time. It’s got some lap lanes and there’s aqua-cise classes for both the uhm…bigger girls and another that’s faster and way more aerobics mixed with bits of synchronized swimming we do that one and a few laps before jogging back to my place and fall onto the bed panting and sweaty and tearing off each others clothes and making love to each other.

Then again in the shower. I need to ask whoever I’m going to get as a councilor if I’m a sex addict or something. But…there is just something about Sasha that gets me so excited and…yeah…I want her inside of me just as much as I want to be inside of her. God I really, really want my own breasts. It’s almost an ache not having them as I get dressed. I go nice today, pretty. A short floral print dress and some of my best lingerie and I say to hell with it and go all the way with white stockings and grey ankle boots with a three inch heel that go with my dress but match my military grey cropped army jacket that I made myself.

I smile when Sasha stares at me and smiles at my look. “Nice, girly meets sorta street.”

“Thank you.”

We kiss at my door and I head off to class, normally I walk but about a block away from the house Tommy picks me up. I get in and he leans over and kisses me as I get in his truck. “Are you okay?”

“I will be yesterday was different but it turned out pretty good.”

“Good, I was kind of worried leaving and all.”

“It’s fine, I’m a big girl, I need to be able to cope with things Tommy, but it was sweet of you to leave the note, and everything else.”

I kiss him again and again and again.

“God You’re awesome Jamie….you look incredible this morning.”

“Swimming, jogging and a lot of sex.”

“Sasha?”

“Yes.”

“Damn…”

“Oh…”

“Ever since we met at the farmers market and knowing what you two do together kind of paints a mental image I can’t shake.”

“In a good way?”

“Uhm yes.”

“Good, I like the idea of you stroking off with me as a fantasy.”

“You do?”

“Oh…very much.”

I reach over and stroke his hard cock through his jeans and he quickly finds a parking spot and I look at the clock on the dash and undo his jeans. I think I’m really a sex addict as I’m salivating from the sounds and feel of unbuckling his belt and unfastening his jeans and pulling out that beautiful cock of his.

I mean is the thought of me sucking Tommy that good I’m drooling, I’m rabid with how hard and deep and fast I suck him and by the time he’s cumming and I’m drinking his creamy seed down he’s mini humping my face and hanging onto the steering wheel for dear life as he’s calling out my name. It’s literally not enough because his reactions got my blood so fired up that I pull down my panties and take out my plug and still lubed from the plug and open still I impale myself on him and wrap my arms around his neck and I ride Tommy like his cream is the anti-venom I need to save my life from a snake bite.

I’m loud too as I bounce on his cock. There’s no way not to be, he’s that big and warm and hard inside of me and he’s banging my she-male g-spot with every time I bounce up and down on him and seven, eight, twelve strokes that way and I reach and dig out a spare pair of panties and cum into them and keep fucking him like one of those magical mouth things guys use to get more size. I use that clench pull trick and while on top it’s different it’s like it creates this suction inside and when he explodes inside of me he doesn’t just cry out but he bites my bare shoulder…not hard enough to break the skin but hard enough to really hurt…but it hurts in this good way…

Good enough like Sasha’s blowjob I cum so hard it hurts a little and I’m seizing up around him so hard I have that dazzling flare as the impression of his hard pulsing cock is so there in my body and in my brain that I swear it’s becoming part of my soul….

We pant as we come down from the sex, kissing long and slowly and deeply and passionately as I use stuff from my purse to clean us both up and I sink my plug back inside all fluidly lubed and apply a pad to my panties and we kiss some more before parting our separate ways for out classes after he buys me two trays of lattes for the girls and myself and then him and I share a brownie and an espresso shot together. I kiss him deeply. “You don’t have to treat me like this, or them Tommy, we have our own money.”

“I want to besides their your friends and it’s always good to seriously be nice to the friends of a girl that you love.”

“Thank you…I’ll say they’re from you.” I kiss him again this time with some tongue. “I love you too Tommy.”

“I’ll talk to you soon?”

“M’kay and Tommy?”

“Yeah?”

“Close your eyes.” He closes them and I lean over and whisper into his ear. “I love having your cream still inside of me…For…hours…” I bite his ear a little and graze his neck with my teeth. The turn and sashay away with my knapsack and the trays of coffee.

I wiggle a bit more but that long sway…I almost can’t help not to. It’s getting to be like it’s really the way that I’m built.

I get a few looks from people mostly some of the girls in the coffee courtyard. Actually it’s them shooting me nasty looks because of me being with Tommy. It’s all in the way their fondly looking at him and then sort of scowling at me.

And I don’t care.

Tommy chooses to be with me whenever he wants too. I don’t force him to spend time or be nice to me.

I heard a few murmurs of “Bitch, Cunt…” and even “Faggot.” from some of them. But on the other hand I hear a few guys saying. “She’s smoking. Yeah she’s hawt.” and my favorite. “There’s no way that’s a guy.”

I loved hearing that.

I run into Neela with some of her friends in the hallway on my way to the theory studio. She stares at me then blushes and I almost go around them until she says. “Jamie…? Wait…”

I turn and look at her bite my lip and not say the few bitchy things that floated up just now. “Yes…”

“I…I…I heard you got jumped by some haters some guys I knew and wished I didn’t.”

The mood of the little posse alters a little. Neela steps a little closer. “Are you okay?”

“I think so, the damage is more on the inside really…” I look her in the eyes. She looks down.

“I’m sorry Jamie, I…” One of the girls with her puts her hand on her shoulder to stop her and even leans in and whispers. “Nee, no! you don’t have to apologize to “HIM” c’mon lets get going.” she tugged and Neela shrugs off the girls hand.

“Jesus Karin, leave me alone I’ll talk to whoever I want!”

The one called Karin stares at her then at me and gets angry. “Nee, don’t fall for his bullshit. It’s not real, he’s a fucking guy.”

I step up towards Neela and Karin steps up and she slaps me in the face. I drop my knapsack to the ground and there’s two more staring at me and Karin as Neela yells “What the fuck! Karin, she was sexually assaulted just a while ago!”

Karin yells back. “He’s not a she!, that’ll never happen and…”

Neela yells at her. “Fucking stop it!, stop it!, You’re freaking out because I told you that I had the best sex of my life with Jamie!”

“Because he fucked you! You fucking traitor!”

“No!, It was the best fucking lesbian sex I’ve ever had in my life!”

Karin screams and tears herself away from the two girls restraining her and runs away. There’s a few others watching all of us now and I’m getting some strange looks from the Lez crowd and I blush but walk up to Neela.

“Hey…”

She’s crying and all sobby voiced. “Oh God Jamie I’m sorry, I’m….”

I lean in and kiss her and use the sleeve of my jacket and my free hand to dry the tears she’s got running down her cheeks. I break the kiss and her eyes are wide and I smile at her.

“Hey, it’s already forgiven.”

“But…but…”

“Yeah Jasmine, you have a nice butt.”

She blushes. I take a coffee out of the top tray and give it to her. “If you care about her go after her Nee, it’s the right thing to do. You’ve still got my info?”

She nods sort of stunned.

“Good, call me sometime. We can talk or even pick up where we left off.”

“Okay….” it’s a kind of dazed, recovering from tears voice.

I grab my book bag and head into class and the girls are staring at me, actually everyone in the studio is staring at me because it overlooks the courtyard area where the fight went down at.

I hold up the trays. “Coffee?”