Absinthe, Opium and Honor…Chapters 13 & 14.

Chapter 13

It’s actually turning out to be a good day. Nothing really special and yet it’s one of those Mondays in the early fall when it’s Summer with Fall teasing her edges like a flirty lover. I’m loving my look today, the way I feel, the sway as I walk the feeling of not just being on my way to becoming who I really am but liking it too.

I slow it down as I drink my ex-large Chocolate Chai tea. Nothing to do with Neela I’ve always loved the spices with that whole hot chocolate thing. I actually stop and look at some of the art and plaques and neat stuff here on campus that we usually ignore.

It’s a nice way to just sort of be mellow. I’m not even sure of why I’m in the mood today that I’m in. Endorphins from the running and swimming more than likely still I feel pretty good and honestly…okay I know this sounds bad but I’m likely in the best shape of my life or getting there. I wasn’t really one of the chunky kids but one of the read my comics and magazines and draw and live behind my computer kind of kinds.

I never ran outside of gym class and as soon as I could take my own classes I was out of there. It’s not like I hated doing those things but the jocks and actually it’s not the professional ones like the varsity types it’s the little meatheads that see gym class as a way to prove that they’re as good as the guys on the teams. It’s this whole… “Look at me, please look at me I’m cool too see how I beat up the nerd.” No I wasn’t the nerd. I’ve never been in a fight in my life. A few scraps as a kid with like other kids but never a real fight. I just got really sick of having to be around people like that.

I think I’m really starting to enjoy my life. And even as I’m thinking it I kind of realized just how dead inside I was getting. The thing is I’m here looking over some of the public bill boards in a dress and slinky bra and panties and other things and I’ve never been this happy before, no…better than happy, content.

And that’s a good thing.

I’m more than cheerful going through my classes that day and its fun being here. I mean its work but I throw myself into my projects and classes. I’m into my drawing stuff and the painting classes and it’s funny and has me laughing at myself because I can draw stuff or paint it but put a lump of clay in my hands and I just can’t quite get the same effect. It’s fun and I make some class friends while we talk about the various ways that we suck at things and I might be older now but get a class of three quarters girls and tell them to sculpt a banana and you see if you don’t get a lot of giggling and a lot of off colored jokes that made most of the straight guys in the class get really uncomfortable or embarrassed which just made it all the more fun.

I guess that really says to my psyche that I really am more girl than boy.

It also led to me making a few friends through that little episode. Noel who is this thin, slender Scandinavian waif that would be drop dead gorgeous if she wasn’t too this, I mean she’s see her ribs thin. There’s also we’re naturally almost the same bra size. The one thing really about her was she had this amazing head of hair down to the small of her back with that real ash blonde and those perfect waves in it.

I like her but she’s quiet.

Dina is raven black haired and Greek with the nose and all the stuff you’d expect to see in a Mediterranean girl and short and curvy with great wide hips a really nice butt that she shows off in jeans a lot and has these ripe full DD’s that she shows off too. As great looking as she is she’s a relentless flirt with guys and I love the stuff of her’s I’ve seen that she’s done in acrylics.

Victoria is a funny Kenyan exchange student and her family is in the oil business so she’s been all over and she has a really cool accent. She’s like me into drawing and inks more than anything but she’s mixed her tribal old school art with other cultural art from around the world.

And Henna, she’s like that youngest of something like nine kids and her parents are honest to god hippies or like second generation hippies and she’s pretty normal but a red head with this talent in her hands like she’s good with everything she tries in the studio labs. A really nice outgoing girl but when we’re in the classrooms she’s struggling.

It’s kind of nice that we’ve started to make friends and we leave class together talking and laughing about guys and their certain parts and If I count Sasha and my own I’ve seen just about as many as Dina who’s the most experienced of the girls and we’re talking about sizes and shapes and ball size on a guy but also what constitutes a nice ass on a guy and we head to the food hall to grab a late lunch as it’s close to one in the afternoon and most of us hand eaten dinner yet.

Henna looks over to me and asks. “So Jamie what’s the deal with you and Neela?”

I look at her and bite my lip as we hit the food lines and I see that Henna’s seen the look I’m getting from Neela and the not so nice ones from her friends. They’re all sitting together in a small cluster of tables looking like the lesbian Conservative Alliance party of Canada and the lipsticks and diesels that love them.

I start putting together a salad and shrug. “We hooked up and we were going to try a date but she didn’t like the fact that I wasn’t exclusive.”

“Really? I heard some people saying you’re really a guy and she found out and she flipped out.”

“No, it’s not the whole thing that I’m genetically male…well maybe she did have a problem with it and is using the fact that after we hooked up I went to be with someone else.”

Henna, Dina and Noel are staring at me like I grew another head. Dina recovers first. “You’re a guy?!”

“No, I’m not a guy, I’m a girl.”

“But you said you’re genetically male, that makes you a guy.”

“No it doesn’t.” Noel and I say it at the same time. Henna asks “Trans?”

I shake my head no. “No I’m good with the factory installs except they’re not quite right, I’m missing some fine detail work and some hardware.”

“Come again?”

“I’m Mahu.” Victoria is nodding and smiling. The other three look confused. I take one of those deep breaths. “I’m a she-male….” I get some of the steamed chicken and rice stuff on the side of my salad then get a V8 juice.

Henna’s nodding but doesn’t look too sure of the idea that must be in her head it that I’m thinking and puzzled look and but Dina and Noel are checking me out not sexual or hostile but girl curiously checking out another girl kind of looks.

Victoria’s nodding and looks over to Neela. “So she’s having a right fair conniption fit over the fact she’s got a thing for you and you’re on the wrong side.”

“Sort of maybe we haven’t talked since that night even though I told her that I was doing this.”

Dina coughs. “Oh so she’s in a snit that you got a taste of her curry pot and you went elsewhere after her? Oh Jamie you’re such a bitch, you should have fallen instantly head over heels for her.”

Noel finally speaks up. “She has a rep, Jamie she’s very L word her and the ones with her are the more man hating hard core feminazi.”

Dina looks over at me and slaps me on my arm. “Bad! Bad Shane!” They’re laughing and I’m so not getting it.

They try to explain it to me as we get to a table that will fit all of us and I’m sort of getting it. I sit though and look at them. “You’re not freaked out by what I am.?”

They mostly shrug. “Takes all kinds Jamie.” Henna says. Noel plays with a slice of tomato. “There’s gay guys in our classes so how’s that a different standard?” Victoria’s nodding and Dina’s looking at me. “You’re too pretty to be a guy. So…”

“So…?”

“How big’s you’re cock?”

The other girls look shocked and I’m choking on my juice. Dina’s got a big smile on her face. “I guess about average five and a half, six inches…Why?”

She bursts out giggling and the girls do too and I can’t help but to as well. “What?” I ask them.

“You’re just so matter of fact about it. And I thought it’d be smaller.” Dina says. Henna Chips in with. “Yeah most guys would either lie or they’d get all braggy about it.”

I shrug. “I’m not a guy. I’m a girl in my head or close enough that it doesn’t matter, it might get smaller though…I’m not sure I’m not taking anything yet so….”

Dina say’s. “That’s true, you don’t move really like a guy or even really act like a guy. You’re not like most of the girls I know either you don’t have some of the subconscious habits that we do.”

“Yes, you are very much like some of the lady-boi’s I’ve known in the east.” Victoria says. “They have their own way of being that isn’t like either sex. Even then they can be beautiful ladies.”

“That’s me; I guess I’m like part of one of the genderqueers, or somewhere in between the whole binary gender thing.”

Dina looking at me asks. “So have you been with anyone other than Neela?”

“Yes.”

“Who?”

“A really nice guy I was with for several really good days…” I cut myself off as Tommy the really good guy in question comes over with a smile and leans down and kisses my cheek.

“Hey you.”

“Hey back.” I smile as I say it. The girls awe all gawking at him. Tommy is really cute.

“I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.”

“No…I missed you like you wanted me to miss you.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, oh.”

I look him in the eyes and it’s not even putting a look on it’s more like letting something show and that’s my smile and the fact that I want him…I really really want him. He really smells so good.

“You done for the day?”

“Yeah you?”

“I’ve got one more class in like…two hours.” The pause is me checking out the wall clock.

“Do you want to go someplace?”

“I thought I seen you with some other girls this week?”

“Dana and Kate, yeah they’re nice but we just went out and stuff.”

“And stuff?”

“Well, me and Dana…”

“Oh?”

“I…I…it was okay…I mean it was good, but after it…I uhm…I was thinking of you…” Tommy’s blushing really red right now and I get up as Noel’s frowning and saying. “So you were thinking of her while you were with this other girl?”

“It’s not Tommy’s fault, I spoiled him for other girls.” I smile and take him by the hand and say to them. I’ll talk to you girls in class?”

“YES!!!” all four of them say it at once and I lead Tommy out of there.

“My place?” I ask.

“Yeah…”

We get into his truck and I’m pretty close to campus about a twenty minute walk we make it in like five minutes driving and we run into my place kissing passionately as I fumble for my keys and once inside it’s into the bedroom where I turn as we’re kissing and get him to sit on my bed as I pull off my dress and sink to my knees and unbuckle his belt then free his beautiful cock from it’s confinement. I stroke him a few times and suck his heavy balls into my mouth and get him moaning and rock hard and I smell him and his long hard cock like a cigar as I make my way from his base to the head and hold him with both hands and wrap my lips and mouth around his head and rotate my head using him for my lollipop and letting my hair get messy.

“Oh Tommy…thank you…I’ve been wanting and dreaming and craving your cock almost as much as I’ve been missing you….” I go back to lollipoping as he asks.

“You missed me?” I nod my mouth full of his dick but I look him in the eyes with a yes then push my head and throat down the huge shaft until my face is into his public bone and I burble? (Happy laugh with a dick down your throat?) and make this sound like I’m having chocolate for like the first time in a year and I’m having a Foodgasm.

The thing is I’m really not bullshitting in any of this. I have missed him. I just never got all obsessive and stuff but I missed him. And I missed the way that he makes me feel. I love the taste of Tommy, I know I’m a pretty dedicated cocksucker now but I really long the way that he tastes and the feel. I’m past choking at this point and there is something so femme and kinky and dirty all in a good way when I have him pumping through my lips and over my tongue and down my throat and my throat muscles contracting every time I have to swallow because all that cock has me salivating.

I use that to start getting this almost seal on his cock and I suck and suck only breathing through my nose and Tommy sinks his fingers through my hair and grips my skull with an. “Oh! Jamie! Oh! fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…” he’s starts chanting as he goes all boy feral sex beast and start to hump my face. I take a beak from the suction to just relax my throat for his invasion and just get into being his fuck puppet.

How do you get into something like that? For me it’s the feeling of his cock caressing and stroking my insides, my throat and being able to do that form him and the best is the friction on my lips. There is nothing like the friction puffy lips of sucking cock to me. I feel so beautiful and powerful from that.

Oh yeah, powerful. Tommy want’s me so bad he’s lot regular Tommy and I’ve got this completely feral cave man version on him because he’s that caught up in me.

Me…I did this to him and it’s really empowering.

Tommy gets to that point of no return and I take control of the situation by holding onto him balls with just enough force to sort of snap him out of it and I pull myself back until all I have is the front of his cock in my mouth and I’m making that suction seal again and my other hand is jerking him off and I suck for all that I’m worth once I get a mouth full of my own saliva and that sort of swallow-suck-guzzle get’s him off .

Tommy let’s out a whimpering cry of “Jamiiiiiiiiiiiee!” As I more suck the cum from him as opposed to him Cumming and shooting.

I can’t help but to smile and pull off of him at the same time and look up his torso and kiss the head of his cock and smile and play with him. “I love this Tommy, God I know I shouldn’t be such a slut but I can’t help it Tommy. I love doing this for you…I love that you’re such a good guy Tommy…thank you…”

I do mean these things but you know some girls won’t say that to a guy that they’re with. They want the thanks and to be told that they’re awesome and often I’ve seen a lot of guys getting a raw deal from some of the girls that they are with.

I just make sure to say stuff like this to my lovers. Self esteem and feeling good is one hell of an aphrodisiac. I go back down on him to harden him up and only take breaks to smile at him. “My jaw’s sore, your big dick did that to me.” I tell him and laugh a soft sexy laugh I’m not making fun or complaining.

It’s even little things like a happy playful kiss to his cockhead or use a hand to massage his pubic area. Not erotically even though it is but to actually just touch him there. Guys don’t get touched enough…there’s more that butt, back and chest and shoulders.

I think just touching someone you care about in just little ways and places, is loving and sensual.

Once he’s hard enough I slide up his body and kiss with him for a few minutes really making out the roll off of him deeper into my bed and slinkily bend, arch myself for him. “Please Tommy…please I’ve been dreaming sometimes of this…of you taking me.”

I’m well lubed and I’ve been using my plug but still Tommy is ten really solid inches of thick hard cock and it sort of hurts as he sinks in. it mostly feels great…better than great actually like I’m getting a fix but it still hurts in a good way.

“Aiiie….oh…oh…oh…ggnhh!...oh… aiiie…oh fuck…Tommy…!” I can’t help those sounds coming out of me as I feel him bottom out inside of me and I’m the one losing control this time as with another “Aiiie!” he finds my prostate, my G-spot as it is and I fall into that pleasure pain mix of bliss that totally changed my life. I’m a cock loving whore and I love it. Ever since Sasha slid hers into me it was like a missing part of my brain and heart and soul turned on inside.

Ten eleven strokes I used that stuff that I learned from Sasha and that’s great for long slow fucking and things but this is different. This is between classes making love squeezing every last drop of life from it kind of sex.

So I’m begging… “Ggnhh!, fuck me Tommy…pleas fuck me…fuck me hard…grab my corset…use the bottom edges…please, please, please baby fuck me…show me…use me…”

It so works too, I relax as much as I can as he gets this really good grip buy curling his fingers into the bottom edge of my corset and gripping hand holds of at and he starts to use it the thrust away in me. I like I said relax so I’m as slick as possible and I’m drooling pre-cum from myself and almost in a continuous cry of pleasure from getting fucked as fast as he can and him going into that feral boy-made-fuck-god and I cum once and he keeps going fucking right through a couple of my cum/muscle clenches and that hurts so good and all the way until we’re both reaching our limits again and I cum again and this time he knew and buried himself into me and I came…hard…and twice in a row.

Yeah twice, see this time when he stayed buried into me as I clenched my insides twitching as I came I felt him inside of me in this squeeze moulded around his cock way the made my girly brain parts squee Cock! With made my sexual response even more powerful until I was nearly vibrating that made Tommy lose what little control he had and while clenched he was shooting and drench my insides with his cream. That hot blast in me sent me way over that edge.

The pleasure welled up in me like an eruption and exploded and washed over my whole body sheening me in sweat and making me twitch out a little cum from my cock but it wasn’t that kind of cum. This was something else better, a g-spot cum ….my version of the female orgasm and …wow…no wonder I love cock.

I passed out almost and Tommy did too falling sort on ontop of me his weight ontop of me. We laid there and panted for the longest time and just panted and breathed then it all got made better as Tommy kissed the sides and back of my neck once he caught his breath and slid those big country boy arms under me and around me and he hugged me tight.

I had this happy little sob come out of me. As that just brought tears to my eyes. “Are you okay Jamie?” there was concern in his voice. It just made it better.

“Yes…God Tommy…don’t you change, don’t you ever fucking change please?! (Whining sniffle talking.) do you have any idea just how…how good it is to be kissed, held and cared for after we made love?”

“Yeah I do Jamie…You’re telling me right now, you’re holding your hands over mine too…I…I…Needed to Jamie…Needed too, I just sometimes need to hug someone, it’s more than holding someone…”

I nod, and feel his face buried into the back of my head and neck. “Being held’s more than that for me too Tommy.”

“It grounds me.” We both say the exact same thing….

I roll over and feel his arms and hands slip into the small of his back and stare up at him as I wrap my hands and arms around his neck lovingly. It’s French kissing for awhile and nuzzling each other’s faces as we make out and he picks me up and carries me to the shower and we get washed up but not before we have shower sex.

……………………………. I’m just barely on time for my afternoon classes and I step into the painting studio with this happy sex drunk sort of sway. I’m so happy it’s like I’m buzzed. And yes we talk and while I don’t go into graphic details about the sex except for the few dreamy shivers and off in space look while I’m talking about it we girl out about it and especially talking about the after the love making stuff. Even Noel who’s the lesbian out of the four apparently says she hasn’t gotten that out of some of the girls she’s been with that I got from Tommy today.

Classes are pretty good and we even go for a coffee the five of us after we’re done. We’re all taking pretty much the same classes going for our bachelors degrees in visual arts and we just hang out for a bit and end off trading off our numbers on our cell-phones and e-mails and stuff too.

I’m smiling as I go home and get my things for going over to Sasha’s. I’ve never really made friends this easy before. I mean I’ve really barely known them for a month and today was kind of the clincher.

Actually counting Tommy and Sasha this is the most friends I’ve really ever had before.

Sasha kisses me long and slowly once I’m through the doors and I drop my things off in the usual spot and we kiss for a good long while. She’s just in her jeans and a nice top that I unbutton and leave on her but take her bra off and spend time being taught to suckle and make love to her breasts.

I get her panting and moaning until she tells me to. “Oh Jamie, take me…take me…I’m so…hot…I need you.” I pick her up and carry her to the fireplace room and undo her jeans and pull them off of her and pull her hard cock free of her panties and take it in one fast gulp almost. After Tommy, Sasha seems so much easier…I lube her up and slip fingers into her as I suck her to a squealing cum and then lay her back on the couch and sink into her.

The sex is great as usual and by the time I’m filling her with my cream the motion and squeezing and pulsing around my plug has me so wanting my own needs to be filled. And we switch places.

Then it’s her teaching me how to do all the trimmings for a roast chicken dinner and we set the food into the stove’s oven and we go to her bathroom and take a long hot bath together and just relax and wash each other and each other’s hair as I tell her about the day and meeting the girls and making friends and everything with Tommy. I’m a lot more graphic with Sasha and she finishes my bath with her sinking into me all over again and we have a soft warm soapy beautiful sexual encounter.

We get dolled up after that and eat supper in our lingerie like some decadent date dinner and we dance together some to some soft music and honestly I need the practice and everything.

After coffee we just lounge in her big bed with my notes and my laptop doing my homework and looking things up online and she’s really smart too. It’s so much more than the sex as she helps me rewrite some things and reword some others and shows me things to look up online that I wouldn’t have thought of to use as examples of what I’m talking about.

We take a few breaks and we sixty-nine once and I give her a fuck massage where I’m sinking into her and giving her a back massage at the same time. It’s about an hour between each time we have sex and by the time I’m kissing her goodbye for the evening at about tenish I’m yawning all the way home.

Chapter 14

The rest of the week actually just gets better and better or is it just because the suck factor was really low. I’m getting really good marks with some of my classes and Sasha’s other tutoring has really been paying off and not the sex stuff, the real tutoring and things.

I cracked her up in yoga class because I didn’t de-plug before class and yeah I found out the hard way about how inflexible that is inside of me.

I think I like Yoga though. I know I like both my class in Tai chi and my class in self defence. And I’m starting to slowly get to the point of where I’m not wanting to puke when I’m running with Sasha.

There’s a few other little things too.

I’ve bought some language CD’s to listen too at night while I’m sleeping. I’m going with French, Han-Chinese, and German I’ll plug them in twice a week and take them with me all that day when I’m just wanting something to listen to while I’m doing other things.

I want to learn some new things besides the art stuff.

I hang with the girls a bit before classes or afterwards every day and slowly work away at my sewing and designing outfits and stuff. I’m kind of on this handbag and pack kick right now with me making them out of recycled clothes and stuff. I make and sold four of these purse laptop bag combinations that I had made from old corduroy pants and jackets in this reddish brown and edged it all in black leatherette and used the nylon like satiny inside of an old ladies coat to line them so the computer doesn’t get scratched. I sold them each for a hundred dollars. Considering most of the stuff I got from the thrift stores I’ve almost made back the cash I spent setting things up.

Lol, but I blew two hundred of it Thursday afternoon shopping with the girls for a few hours for shoes. I got about four pair at Payless and a good but expensive pair of ladies Nikes at footlocker.

I seen Tommy a few more times during the week but mostly just in passing or to wave. I’ve seen him on a few dates by the look of it. We did walk to one of his classes though on Friday while I was on my way back from my self defence class. He bought me a skim milk hot chocolate and I bought a half dozen brownies and had one and a half as we ate and walked and I chattered his ear off about making the shoulder bags and the money.

Everything was good until Friday afternoon when I was walking home I ran into Steve, Danny and Chris…

I mean literally, I hadn’t been hanging around any of my old haunts that I’d started partying at when I first got here so I haven’t really seen then in two weeks.

Steve looked at me. “Sorry miss…holy fuck its Jamie…Jesus you went fag!” He shoved me away from him and Chris followed suit.

“Hey, stop it guys!”

“Hey stop it guys…” Chris sneered making fun of my voice. “Fucking pussy.”

“You fucking went fag…I though you were cool.” Steve says again and spits on me. Chris goes and swings on me twice. He’s no fighter just an ass but the first on hits me hard in the chest and I manage the basic block we’ve been learning. Ow…that hurts too. I try a basic stance and yell for “Help!” a few times and Steve takes off but Chris has his whatever kind of hate on for me still and keeps swinging a few more times while I’m shouting for help then Danny who really hadn’t done much but stand there and let things happen jumped Chris and started hitting him yelling “Leave her alone, leave her the fuck alone!” over and over again as they beat on each other until campus security showed up.

The go separated and cuffed and Chris got put in the back of the security guards car and Danny was just detained as questions were asked and I gave my statement that Danny backed up as he stared at the ground and stuff. I was crying by the end of it and I did press charges and even against Steve for spitting on me.

One of the guards drove me home where I ended up just taking a long really hot shower and crawling into my bed and cried myself to sleep. The girls woke me up about eight PM banging on my doors and…and calling me.

I went downstairs to get mobbed by them and hugged and there were a couple of others with them too as word had spread about me getting “gay bashed” and attacked and I spend the night with them all in my place about a dozen people or so until about eleven o’clock when the girls chased everyone else out.

I did cry a few times telling them what was said and what had happened and even Danny coming to my rescue even if it was a bit too late in the whole thing and Noel went out and came back with feel better ice cream for all of us and several bottles of Bailey’s Irish Cream and Kaluha and we got drunk and talking and tearful and stuff while we watched the L-word on DVD for my first time and Dina joking again and calling me Shane and me getting it really helped.

I think Victoria’s bi or lez because I walked into Noel kneeling in front of her with her face into Vic’s shave African sex and Vic leaning almost sitting on the edge of my bathroom sink.

I left and went back to my booze-shake and the shows and we all ended up sleeping together in my bed. It was really sort of slumber party like in a way. But with booze and two of us hooking up and my four best friends coming to my rescue on a Friday night dumping everything that they either had planned or were doing. That made me cry more than the attack. I was expecting an attack, just like Sasha had said would happen.

It was my first and not likely my last. I hated every second of it and it’s made me wonder at how Sasha went quiet and broody just how much and what had happened to her.

Dina made us all breakfast and I’ll tell you that Greek girl can cook. I had the best omelette I’ve ever had in my life. Which was good because we were all a little hung over. I might be the way I am, choosing to be Trans or whatever but it wasn’t an issue with the five of us being just five different kind of girls. I guess in a way my equipment is no different in meaning then Noel being a lesbian or Dina having her big breasts or Victoria being black or Henna who has so many freckles all over her body its amazing. It was just one of those things that just made sense to my heart.

Although Vic and Noel were trying to keep the fact they hooked up on the down-low.

We were doing the dishes when Tommy showed up knocking at my door. I opened the door and he scoops me into this huge hug and buries his face into my chest and holds me and shakes a bit. “Thank god…I just heard what happened, I’m so glad that you’re alright…”

The real feeling and the emotion in his voice and in his eyes has me nearly crying again and then he kisses me. It’s one of the best kisses I’ve ever had in my life so full of his heart that I could feel it pouring into me. I run my fingertips through his hair and can’t keep the loving smile off of my face as he’s holding me. “I’m okay; it’s not as bad as it could be Tommy, these things happen to girls like me.”

“They shouldn’t, they shouldn’t and if I ever get my hands on the asshole….” I kiss him to interrupt him but don’t chastise him about what he might do. He’s a guy and sometimes guys need to let that stuff out that way. I know I used too, still might I just haven’t gotten that pissed off yet I guess. Yes girls lose it verbally too, just not as much as guys do…usually. I kiss him a few more times and touch my forehead to his. “Thank you.”

We kiss some more and Tommy carries me inside and the girls were talking until they see him come in carrying me with his hangs holding me up by my butt and there’s a few grins and blushes as they quickly get dressed and leave kissing each of us on the cheeks before leaving.

I look at Tommy. “Take me back to bed and make love to me.”

He does.

It feels instantly better as he sinks into my well lubed depths and starts to make long slow love to me with these deep, deep strokes. It’s so much of what I love about being this way with that feeling of his hot length going in so deeply and beautifully into me that it’s an instant validation of the choice I made to embrace this side of myself that I had buried all of my life.

That kagel like technique is perfect for times like these. I get sort of drunk on the feelings as I clench around him as he’s sliding out and I feel the head and his glands riding over and massaging my insides in the most delicious of ways. It’s just as good as that relaxing as he sinks back inside of me and over and over until I’m getting ready to cum and he sinks into me and stays there and strokes me off. But it’s slow and it’s good…really good. Even better when he fills me with his cream too.

We make love face to face, and then with my legs around his waist and then again with my legs over his shoulders. I fall asleep very well boned and vibrating from the sex and the love and oh yeah I was so right falling asleep with someone you love in your own bed it so perfect.

Tommy woke me in the afternoon with him giving me a blowjob. I was very surprised to say the least but I wasn’t going to tell him to stop, I moan and writhe on the bed and preen his hair with my fingertips and tell him how good he makes me feel. He even swallowed. We share a French kiss with the taste of myself on his lips and we get cleaned up…shower sex is great…I’m getting so used to him inside of me I swear I was made for his cock.

We go out for the afternoon and he takes me shopping. No he’s not paying but he does take me to some of the farmers markets and to some of the yard and garage sales going on and carries my things as I scoop up old clothes and things I can use for making my things. Actually for me some of the older things the better. Old curtains and drapes and jackets and even old broken purses and stuff are great things that I can break down into other things.

We park twice for a quickie that afternoon, I might be reacting or acting out sexually for being attacked over the way that I am I don’t really know. I just need to have him every time he’s turned on that afternoon. Once is me giving him a blowjob and the other is me on top and him filling me with two loads of his cum before he’s limp again. I have handy wipes to clean him up with and myself but my plug get swapped out for a tampon after that.

Tommy takes me out to supper at a nice looking place neither of us had been too and it’s called Gustav’s and it’s a Cuba place and we eat Cuban food for the first time. I’ve heard of beans and rice as a dish but never thought that it’d be as good as this was. There’s spicy pulled pork of some kind and plantains which I really like but Tommy didn’t so I had his and there were these big prawns as a side that were broiled in this like BBQ sauce and coconut milk. Those were really good, we ate and order of those each and the waiter told us how to suck the stuff out of the bodies like I’ve seen them do with crawfish on television.

Which of course got me and Tommy all playful and after the blowjob he gave me as a wake up call we do this flirty teasy sucking thing with each other. Which really was a lot of fun and after that we had dessert which was butter fried bananas with hot peppers and brown sugar as this sauce that got poured over vanilla ice cream.

We went to the theatre after that and caught the early show watching the Lion King in 3-D which was good and bad. I haven’t seen it since I was a kid and when Simba’s father died I bawled as much as any of the kids there that the parents had brought to the show.

I was reminded though of how much I loved Raffiki and the song “The Lion sleeps tonight.”

Tommy stayed the night with me and we made love until we just couldn’t any more. I took top this time first going down on Tommy and losing myself in sucking his beautiful cock, taking my time and giving him this really long blowjob where I keep bringing him to his peak and the slowing things down until Tommy’s writhing on the bed and whining because he needs to cum, because I’ve made the head of his cock so sensitive and he’s begging me. “Oh! Jamie! Please let me cum, please, please baby let me cum it hurts oh god it hurts please…” He arched his back off my bed when I sucked the cream out of him and her was panting so hard he was nearly hyperventilating…it’s funny and not funny because I made him get a stitch in his side. I took top after than loving the feeling of him filling me so deeply it became ecstatic and that way it so almost feels like I can feel his cock sliding up my spine. We finished with me face down butt pushed up into him and him fucking me through two more loads of his cream into me before we passed out totally spent and I couldn’t get a rise out of him if I tried.

I woke to him gone with a note on the night stand saying.

*{Jaime…I had to go honey, I’m sorry that I couldn’t stay but I had a bunch of things to do today that I couldn’t put off. It was late and I didn’t want to wake you. I made you some breakfast and it’s in the oven……Love you, Tommy.}*

I’m not sure what happen to me or why but I read the note and I just burst into tears and cried for what felt like hours before I fell asleep again. He made me French toast and bacon on the side in case anyone was wondering. It took me an hour to eat it after I got up. I just dressed in some cut offs and a long nightshirt with teddy bears on it after a bath. I almost pick up my phone and call Tommy, I almost call the girls but there’s this part of me that doesn’t want to be a pest and needy and not worth it? Have you ever just felt that way…that voice in your head telling you you’re not worth it, that you shouldn’t reach out and bother them because that’s all you are is a bother.

I suppose I could have called Mom or Kate too, but honestly I’d fucking chew broken glass than talk to them about this or anything anymore.

I looked in the bathroom mirror and sort of saw my other self, old Jamie looking at me and I must have been in there an hour trying to figure out if I was just some kind of faggot and a freak. Why was I like this? Why was I trying to erase my father’s son?

“I need some serious counselling.”

I moped around for awhile then sat down and studied awhile then went to my sewing corner where I began a vicious assault on the stuff I had got with scissors and craft knives and a seam ripper. I was crying during some of that too and blaring some music off of my laptop. “So What.” By Pink really, really fits my mood and so does “Do What You Want.” By Evanescence does too but “Lithium.” By her too and then “Creep.” By Radiohead.

Creep is one of the old songs I used to listen too when everything in my life just sort of felt like that song. I kind of go there listening to that kind of music and I spend most of the night sewing and kind of get into this skirt making run with some sharp looking denim leather and leatherette skirts in various lengths from some old jackets and coats I got and some more of my leather sleeved tee-shirts. A few more shoulder bags and purses until it’s about eight PM and there’s a knock on my door.

I go down to see who it is and when I look through the glass Danny is there staring down at the ground and he looks Like he’s been crying. I open the door a little, wary and nervous.

“Danny? What do you want?”

He looks at me with these red rimmed eyes and sniffles out. “Jamie…I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…”

“Okay…you’re sorry. That wasn’t cool Danny; you should have helped me before that.”

“I know…I know…but I was scared…”

“Scared of them? You did pretty good against Chris. Or scared of saying something?”

“Scared I…I’m scared I’m like you…”

“Like me?”

“Yes…”

“Alright come inside.”