CHAPTER 11
Tony finally went home at about two and with a last round of hugs we girls settled down in our respective beds.

I was lying there in my oversized T-shirt and knickers, listening to the whirr of the fridge in the kitchen, and wondering where exactly my life was headed. The girls were right, of course. I had to do something to break myself out of the rut I was in, a rut now so deep I couldn’t see out of it. I still had the big problem, of course, and that was my body. No matter how it had changed, it still carried that last little bit outside, and nothing inside. I was so deeply, deeply envious of Arris in her ability to give birth, to bring life into the world. Even Elaine and Siá¢n, with a little help, could do that, and the phrase “we girls” just rubbed it in.

How had Tony’s mates seen us as we came in? Two not-too-bad looking women…oh, sod it, they’re rug munchers, but hey, their two friends don’t look bad. That one with the boots…..and the legs on that one in the miniskirt….

That was probably a pretty fair idea of what went through their minds, but I could just imagine the change in attitude if they knew what Joe had found, and I am sure there would be plenty of Joes around to explain my problem to me.

Could I lumber Tony with that? He wasn’t alone now, he had a little boy to think about, and it surely wouldn’t be fair to burden a child with that sort of nastiness. I grabbed Arthur, my old bear and night friend, and curled up to await the real morning, unsleeping.

Which was not true, as so often. Arris woke me with a cuppa, sliding into bed beside me, and giving me a hug. She brushed my hair out of my face to see me better.

“How are you feeling today?”

“Confused….I have no idea where this should go.”

I explained the worries that had kept me awake, and she smiled lopsidedly.

“You are forgetting one big thing, here. You are leaving one factor out, and it’s a big one: what does Tony want? You are looking at all or nothing in your mind, and he may be seeking something in between, with an option to go further if you work out together. That’s how most men think, you know. Look at Steve and me, we didn’t just leap into things, we spent a while getting to know each other, and it seemed right, and it was right.”

“If I remember correctly, you got to know him four times the first time you met him!”

“Second time, actually. I almost left him alone on the Friday night.”

She sat up and looked at me again, eyes sad.

“You’ve never, ever made love, have you? Just had that twat use you? I am so sorry for you, you don’t deserve what life has done to you, never mind what he did. But it stops now. Life is going to open up for you, if we can do anything. So…take my advice, hey? It’s never about all or nothing, it’s about taking what you can get, especially when it is freely and willingly given, and seeing how it goes. Look where it got me, look where it got Elaine. Call him, just chat. I truly hate to say it, because I love you, but you are really someone with nothing to lose. Call him this morning and see what move he wants to make”

She passed me the phone and a piece of paper from her handbag which carried Tony’s number and address, obviously via Steve. It turned out he was living just down the road from Crabble, and if I had been working n Dover rather than Canterbury I would have ridden past his house every morning. A very young voice answered the phone,

“Hello, who are you?”

“Is that Jim? Can I speak to your daddy, please?”

I heard him shout with the phone still held near his mouth. Ouch.

“Nana, some lady wants daddy!”

Out of the mouths of babes…a woman’s voice came on, with quite a strong East Anglian accent. “Hello, it’s his mother, can I help? He’s gone to get the paper”

“Can you tell him Sarah rang? I was just wondering what his plans were for the weekend”

Oops, was that a bit too pushy? His mother came back with a laugh.

“Hello, dear, I’m Enid, it’s lovely to finally speak to the girl he’s been going on about. He hasn’t stopped talking since Steve rang him. Why don’t you come round so we can meet properly? I‘ve got to see the girl that got him smiling again, or am I being a bit pushy for you?”

Another moment of insight, as I realised that I wasn’t the only nervous one. I explained that I had a houseful, and took the plunge.

“Why don’t you all pop up here for some lunch? Nothing special, I was just going to sit everyone down around some fish and chips, if that would do?”

“That would be wonderful, and as he will be the only man, he can go and get them for us!”

I liked the sound of this woman, and after we arranged to meet at half eleven, I started to panic. The place was a mess, and I was rushing around trying to tidy it as much as possible in the time I had left. Elaine wondered in, wrapped in my dressing gown and yawning, and asked me what the fuss was all about. Arris laughed

“Visit from the prospective mother in law in an hour and a half!”

The pillow I threw scored a direct hit.

The female dilemma then struck me. What the hell to wear? Last night’s gig rig would be completely wrong for Enid, and something formal would frighten Jim, and….

Arris was holding some clothes out to me. “I know. Just put these on”

A pair of well-worn, comfortable jeans, and a much snappier cream cotton blouse. Comfy, but still tidy. My old deck shoes finished it off, and Elaine attacked my bird’s nest with a brush as I put on a minimal layer of make up. All girls dressed, all beds tidied, the bell rang exactly at eleven thirty, and there was Tony in the male equivalent of my clothing, together with a short, plump woman in slacks, and a small, sandy-haired boy.

“Hello, Enid, Jim, kettle’s on”

“What about me?”

I handed Tony a piece of paper and some cash. “There’s the order. See you when you get back!”

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I sat Enid and Jim down with a cuppa and an orange juice respectively, and we all made careful and obvious appraisal of each other. Jim had brought a comic along, and sat reading as the women talked over his head. Enid was very direct.

“I remember when Tony first met you, and he raved about this gorgeous girl he’d met in Wales, and how it was such a pity she was on the wrong side.”

“One silly joke when drunk….”

“Yes, indeed. I should tell you now that Tony has indeed told me about you. All about you”

“Ah”

“You are not what I expected. I can’t see any man in you at all”

Arris nearly choked. “Cause she’s never had a man in her, poor girl!”

That broke the mood, and Enid came forward and pulled me into a hug.

“Thank you. You have made my son smile, and I can’t see any way I could ever repay that in any way that would be in any way adequate. Oh dear, I am babbling”

Elaine chipped in. “It has taken a lot of years to get my sister smiling again, and Tony has done that, so I think the accounts sort of balance out. We have given Sar her instructions and they are simple. Each day is a gift, to be enjoyed as it comes, and if things go well, then good, and if not, there is always another day.

“We are going to see where this goes, with no preconceptions. I say ‘we’ because it is about time this stupid woman recognised the fact that she is not and never has been alone.”

Enid laughed. “You sound like me!”

Elaine gave her a rueful look. “Wait till you meet our Dad!”

Tony arrived to find us all happy, and hungry, and I even found some chocolate in the fridge as a pudding for Jim. Look, I’m a woman, right? Women–chocolate. It was Green and Black’s special stuff, so I nearly pretended I didn’t have any, but it was for a little boy, and his smile repaid me.

Elaine was dead right, and this was a bloody good day. We spent the afternoon walking along Langdon Cliffs above the Eastern Docks, just getting to know each other while Tony bored everyone by naming all the ships, and Jim asking when they could next go into the castle. France was visible over the Channel, ships beyond counting threading the water. Tony got me alone for a few minutes while Jim and the others were pony-watching, and asked how I was feeling.

“Elaine and Arris have both been on my case, you know, about you”

“I am sure they have. What are they telling you?”

“To take one step at a time, no preconceptions, no goal beyond being happy”

“Sensible girls. Do you mind if I walk that bit with you and see where we go?”

“I would mind it if you didn’t, so just shut up for a minute and kiss me, OK?”

He did, and it was good, and Jim saw, and poked his Nana, and she smiled. I didn’t see that bit, but Arris saved it up to tell me later.

I suppose I should mention the small fact that Tony and I had been holding hands since leaving my house. That evening, Enid insisted on doing a proper tea for everyone, though Elaine and Siá¢n had to leave for home early, so it was just five for the meal.

The evening brought back so many memories, of home and similar meals with my family, especially the ones after I had stopped hiding as a boy and could just be myself. Happy chatter, mock fights over the last cake or scone, Tony’s hand on mine under the table.

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The next day, Sunday, he was coming to Crabble anyway, for a rugby match. I had so much to learn about him, including the bit that Arris seemed obsessed about (naughty girl), and it was going to be very nice indeed finding out all the little details of his life. He was playing Number 8 in an inter- Customs game, and I stood on the touchline, Jim holding Enid’s hand as he watched his big strong Dad flatten lots of strangers. He didn’t have it all his own way, taking a few knocks of his own, especially from a suicidally aggressive flanker with a ginger pony tail, but he held his own.

I can’t remember the score. Enid went to the ladies’ part way through, and I ended up with a little man holding my hand as we both watched the big ones.

More insight, another moment of realisation. As Dad smacked into yet another airport player, I realised that there were other ways to become a Mam.