CHAPTER 3
The two girls had indeed brought me out of myself, and shortly before their loss I invited Elaine up for the weekend. Hall allowed guests for short periods, but they had to be vouched for, signed in, meals paid for, body parts accounted for and waivers signed in triplicate in blood.

Elaine had chosen a very different career path to me by this time, having joined the Dyfed-Powys Constabulary. I warned the girls, and Becky was on form.

“Is she bringing her uniform? I like a girl in uniform! Has she got handcuffs?”

Jo paused her. “You like a girl out of uniform as well, sweetheart”

“In, out, as long as there’s a girl involved……oh, and as long as that girl’s you, of course”

“Keep digging, I’m taking notes. What’s your sister like, Sarah?”

By this time, I was going by Sarah as a general thing. Even the faculty had accepted it, although my official name remained on the books and i was reminded pointedly and regularly that in the eyes of the law, and of the Hall Wardens, I remained male.

“She’s just my big sister, I suppose. She doesn’t exactly support my dreams here, but she has done all she can to cover up for me and to help. And she’s my big sister, so…..please be nice to her”

I heard the sounds of boots on the stairs, and a wallop on the door. Elaine, as subtle as ever. I was absolutely terrified, as this was one of those days when the girls had insisted I get into a dress, and this would be the first time anyone in my family saw anything like the real me. Nothing special, just a plain print dress, but a dress . I opened the door, and a leather clad storm trooper stood there.

“Elaine, this is Becky, and Joanna”

“Fuck me, brawd, you like to give me warning next time?”

She flung her arms around me and I had the odd feeling of being hugged by half a cow.

“You started nicking the drugs yet, then?”

“Na, just getting a bit more relaxed in my fashion sense, “

“Fuck me!”

“Sis, can I make a bit of a suggestion, if you keep saying that the little one is likely to take up your offer”

Becky drew herself up, which didn’t take long.

“What do you mean ‘little’? Oh, and please, please, please do say you’ve brought the handcuffs!”

Joanna was trying very hard not to laugh, but once she started it was infectious and spread right through the room. I managed to calm down enough to speak to Elaine.

“Tea?”

“Tea!”

She was intrigued by the set-up, and while I played with cups and hot water in the common kitchen I could half hear her interrogating the girls. I distributed the cups, and we sat ourselves around on the two chairs and the bed. There was an extra dynamic to the scene, something I was missing. Becky was grinning like the proverbial, and bursting with the need to tell me something.

“We’re off to the Ship tonight!”

I sighed, and looked at Elaine. “Sorry, we can find somewhere else if you want, it’s the TLGB night”

“LGBT! LGBT!”

“…and if you’d rather not go and watch a lot of benders like us we can always go into town for a Chinese and then a drink in the Union”

Becky was still bouncing. “Tell her, tell her”

Elaine gave me a sharp look. I gave her one back. “Don’t you look at me like that, girl, you knew exactly what I intended to do. You knew exactly what I HAVE to do. None of this should come as a surprise, but you have one for me, I feel. Would you rather talk alone?”

“Ych, no. These two turned out to be the first to know, actually. That midget has a way of getting you talking.

“I’ll have you know I am well over…”

“Four feet tall, I know. Look, brawd, what do I call you?”

“Sarah. Sar for short, it was something that sort of came out on my first day here.”

“Well, Sar, I would love to go along to your LTGB night. And if you can’t work things out from that, let me just add that our parents are looking unlikely to get grand kids”

It was my turn to be stunned. “Fuck me…”

Joanna looked me up and down ,and very drily said “Not yet, Sar”

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That night was superb. The girls had me dressed up properly for the first time in public, hair done, make up just right, a stuffed bra to complete the look. I already had some heeled shoes, as to me they just scream ‘woman’ and I was still a voice n the wilderness, and the four of us made quite a group as we clicked along the pavement to the pub. The disco was pumping out stuff that, as a rocker, I hated, but I didn’t care. I was out, I was me, I was with people I loved, and my sister’s revelation had, in truth, come as no big surprise. Her support of me had always left me wondering what the payback would be, and here it was. I owed her one.

I danced till my feet hurt, and drank till I was silly. I had to turn down approaches from both women and men, both with the announcement that I was straight. It was nice to be chatted up by some of the better-looking men, but they were gay, and after more than I wanted to deliver. The exception was the small group of lads from the rugby club, but their reaction would have been less than pleasant. So, I danced, I watched over Becky and Jo’s handbags while they snogged, I did the same for my sister when she found some woman to swap saliva with, and I was, very simply, happy. I could see that Elaine had a long and a hard journey to face, and perversely I was glad. It wasn’t just me. I wasn’t some weird pervert, off on her own, I was one of a community of people all of whom shared similar worries about rejection and love. Granted that sense of community would vanish with the closure of the pub, or with the arrival of the morning’s hangover, but for now I was content just to be there and to share.

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Elaine insisted she come to the funeral with me, and in fact drove me there. They were cremated together, both families clearly in deep shock, and there was not much I could do, being nothing more that a friend from college, other than the ritual expressions and handshakes. My sister turned up in full uniform, which caused a stir, and after we had said farewell to my first and dearest friends she pulled on a civvy jacket and led me back to the car.

“Brawd, we need to sort out a few things at home. You can either do it now while you still have the numbness, and the time left to hide at college, or you can do it when you come back from college, nowhere to hide and me not there to support you. Let’s just do it now, OK? I am angry enough to get you through this one, and I am not leaving you to him while I am off in Llareggub or wherever. Can you do this for me? For yourself?”

I looked down at the dark suit, with mid calf skirt, and black court shoes I was wearing. “You mean, like you subtly told me you were a dyke? Oh, bugger it, in for a penny. What can he do?”

“Speaking from unfortunate experience, kill both of us, but that’s unlikely. I am going to make a couple of calls just before we go in, OK?”

The M4 unreeled beneath us, and soon we were rolling past Treffgarne and up to Abergwaun. My courage was draining lower with each mile closer, and we pulled up a few streets away for Elaine to make her couple of calls.

She was soon back at her car. ”Be strong, little sister, this is something that has to be done. There are two girls lost who would have been here for us both, so let’s do them proud.”

We parked in the driveway behind the huge Leylandii that Dad refused to cut, and Elaine opened the front door while I stayed in the car. After what seemed like an hour, she appeared again at the door and waved me in. I am writing this n English, so I may lose some of the subtlety, but then again it wasn’t subtle. My clothes brought the first outburst, from Dad, and the first threats. That was when Elaine mentioned the colleagues who just happened to have parked up a street away for a cuppa. Her own revelation brought a look of actual disgust from my mother, but nowhere near the same from Dad. I suspect he was just grateful that at least one of his children would be bringing girlfriends round for him to ogle.

Eventually, and impressively, Big Sis got everyone sitting and talking rather than shouting and throwing, and I realised that she was actually very good at her job, and as she sat next to me on the settee I took hold of her hand and gave her a smile. She got back to the point.

“You two need to understand one thing, and one thing only. Much as we love you both, we have a lot of problems ahead. You can either be with us, or you will be without us. Sarah here has been this way since she was old enough to know what a girl was, so don’t you dare come out with another comment about the University.

“What do you want? Two daughters, or none?”

Mam was crying, Dad ended up joining her on her chair and mixing his tears with hers. It was not something I had ever seen him do before and I wanted, just for a moment, to apologise and go back to being Sam, in the pain of watching my poor, hurting parents. Elaine just held me to her and shook her head, and Dad looked up, face wet, as Mam nodded sharply, and he said “Then two pretty daughters it is. I don’t like it, I don’t want it, but it’s the bed I have and I have no choice. I will not abandon a child of mine for anything”

Mam was just nodding agreement, and at that moment I loved them both more than I ever had before. She gently murmured “Just…please, don’t rub our noses in it”