CHAPTER 34
I keep saying it, but, oh shit.

“Hello Andy, happy Christmas to you too”

“Look, Sarah, if you want me to go away I will, I’m here with my brother and his family, they’re buying sales stuff out of sight of the kids, so I can easily move them along, tell them I want to show them another sight, even take them to the fucking Canterbury Tales fucking attraction, I just wanted to know what the hell is going on, and without dropping anyone in the shit, OK?”

I realised it was crunch time, and it would be best if she had some say in it. I looked over, and she was staring hard at us. It was clear she had recognised him. I gave her a nod, and, looking weary, she walked slowly over, Enid on one arm, and to my great pride and delight Mam on the other.

“Mam, Enid, this is Andy, who I work with. Andy, this is my mam, Sioned, Tony’s mother Enid, and Alice I believe you know”

He stood up. His hand went out to my mother, “Sioned”, a little peck on the cheek, then “Enid”, and the same. Then “Alice”. And the same.

“Look, I have family with me. Is that your little boy over there, Sar, with the two dark-haired ones? Those are my nephews. So, I can’t wander off and sort out things over a coffee, and if you can give me the thirty-second sound bite it would help. I am assuming this is something to do with that chat we had the other day, Sar.”

Alice spoke up, sounding very nervous. “What do you want to know, Andy? What it’s worth to keep quiet?”

“For….heck’s sake, no, ALICE, I just want to know how to deal with this. Look, I’ve been watching you for about twenty minutes, and you aren’t playing. You three are like some Women’s Institute outing, you look like swapping knitting patterns is the highlight of your week!

“Sorry, that was rude, and I try not to be. Look, Alice, you are a bloody good boss, well, you and Sarah here both, but you’ve looked after me well, even that little problem with Julie you sorted for me. Fair’s fair…but one thing I am is not stupid. This isn’t dress-up, is it? You’ve always been a bit of an old woman, but…”

“No Andy. First I was a little girl, then a young woman. Only now am I being allowed to be an old woman, so, no, this isn’t dress-up. This is me trying to work up the courage to come out and be myself for the first time in my life”

“Oh you poor fucker. Sorry, ladies, but how the hell have you coped, Alice?”

“Not very well, Andy. Not well at all, until Sarah here started to help me, then Enid, and now Sioned and all the family, even little Jim over there. “

“You stupid, stupid bugger, after what you did for me, and you didn’t think you could trust me? I could have ended up banged away with the nonces but for you! Don’t you ever, ever do something so fucking stupid again, you fuckwitted woman!”

I realised he was fighting tears, and Alice just stepped forward and held him. He was a Man, though, so the tears were wrestled back and sent to wherever they fester. Alice just kept her arms round him.

“It was years ago, Sar, just before you arrived. Sex on legs here arrives, and proceeds to treat the female staff as a lending library for shagging. Smooth as snake oil, he’s working his way through just about the lot, apart from Anne, of course. Suzy wasn’t there then. Anyway, there was one girl who he didn’t fancy”

“Alice, I didn’t fancy you either”

“Shut up, Andrew, let me tell this.”

I saw Tony and Dad behind him, and made a ‘wait’ signal. Alice continued, Andy settling into a more normal position with his arm round her waist.

“Julie, her name was. Funny little woman. A few personality problems, it seems, no, shut up, Andrew. She set her cap at him, and he ignored her”

“Perhaps I wouldn’t have, if she had ever taken a shower”

“Shush. She got rather upset as the others got theirs, as Andy kept telling everyone, and then one night she lifted his tie from the rest room and an hour after work turns up at the police station, clothes torn, tie in hand. Do I need to go on?”

I nodded, my jaw set so hard my cheeks ached. “No, not at all”

“So Andy gets dragged in that night, and gets the full attempted rapist treatment, and they are so close to charging him, and he rings me. And afterwards they let him go, and I sacked her the next day.”

Mam had listened to this, her face getting as hard as mine felt. “We know all about false witness. We know very well how nasty certain policemen can be. How did Alice help you?”

Her voice was very, very flat, very dangerous. Andy laughed, bitterly.

“I know my reputation, and not just as a lady’s man. Sarah knows how much I hate stock checks. Well, Alan–Alice–had got so fed up with me working my way through the payroll he had made me stay on that night for three hours unpaid overtime doing a stock take. While Julie said I was out ripping her clothing off, I was on my knees in the lock-up counting fucking suppositories!”

Alice smiled. “He still hasn’t changed there, has he? I got the call in time to go in with the security camera footage that showed how long he was there, and they had to let him go.”

“They still thought I did it, though. Then he sacked her the same day she came in all cocky, and she went ballistic. Called me a cunt, and him a shirtlifting arse….sorry, ladies, this is a bit of an odd situation for me, and I am normally much more polite, charm incarnate, in fact”

Oh, he was recovering. I waved Tony and Dad over before our coffees got too cold, and made the introductions and explanation. I looked Andrew in the eye.

“The short part of this story is that Alice, as she has hinted, is a transgender person, a woman. At some point she plans on stopping hiding, but we are trying to make it as smooth as possible before she does. You are the first to know, and that would not have been my choice, I’ll be frank. Now, where do we stand on this? I will not see Alice hurt”

Andy grinned, a little ruefully. “After what she did for me? I owe this person my life, and I don’t give a monkey’s what she chooses to call herself. But I still don’t fancy her”

That did it, and there was laughter, and there were tears, and Andy sat between Alice and me on the bench as we drank our coffee and watched the boys playing together. Andy looked rather wistful as the three chased each other round the maze, and if I hadn’t already realised there was more to him than a cock and a smile, that would have shown me.

He was jealous. Pure and simple. There was a hunger in his eyes as he watched Jim and his nephews, and it wasn’t predatory, it was a look of regret and sadness. He was just like me, he wanted desperately to be a parent, and for whatever reason he couldn’t be one. I looked sideways at him.

“Why not, Andy? I can’t have kids, just a women’s problem, but you could. Why not?”

He sighed. “I can’t really put t into words, Sarah, but I had so much fun when I was young, and I sort of got a reputation”

Sort of as far as head office.

“And, after Julie, the word got out that some stupid tart had got so jealous of me that she had tried to get me jailed, so the rumour mill went mad. I must be wondercock if she did that, so the crumpet was queuing round the block, and it was great, but the girls I wanted, you know, the ones to make babies and a home with, they heard the same rumours, and it was like I was a leper. So, I sort of settled into what I could get. You love your boy, don’t you?”

“More than I can tell, you, Andy”

“You are luckier than you know, love”

“I wouldn’t say that. I know exactly how lucky I am, every time I look at either of my men. What are you going to do about Alice, Andy?”

“That should be obvious, Sar. Whatever she needs me to do. I owe her. Now, a more important question, who are the two babes with you?”

Sigh. “My sister Elaine, and her wife Siá¢n”

He laughed, and suddenly he sounded much, much happier. “I really am shit out of luck, aren’t I?”

Two little boys came sprinting towards him, closely followed by Jim. “Iain, Kevin, this is Aunty Sarah, and Aunty Alice, who I work with. Now, who wants some chips?”

Jim looked wistful. “Mummy….”

I looked at Tony. “Burgers? Saves on left over turkey for two meals today”

“Twm, Sioned? You don’t mind? OK, Jim, burger and chips it is.”

Three little boys went “Yay!”