CHAPTER 46
I took Alice to the first meeting, at her local bank branch, where we produced the deed poll and letter from her quack, and it all went rather smoothly. That was why I was so surprised when, as we exited, I realised she was trembling.

“What’s up, love?”

“Sar, I think I am losing that head of steam. Did you see the way that bank girl looked at me? As if I was infected in some way?”

“Sorry, Alice, but I have to be blunt. I started everything when I was young. My body and everything else had a chance to change, and you will never get that chance. Not to the same extent, anyway.”

I took her into the shadow of Westgate. “Look, I am not being nasty here, you just need a little reality. There is only so much that clothing and make up can do for you. Don’t think I haven’t noticed that beard removal you’ve been sneaking off for, either. Life has some really shitty bits, but you have two huge assets”

She made a joke of it by looking down at her chest. I smiled back. “No, not those. I mean firstly that you are a genuinely good person, which people can see, and they appreciate you for it. That leads to the second thing, which is that because of that you are not alone. Get some things straight, here.

“People will stare. Do you know them? Do they know you? No? Then fuck ‘em. DILLIGAF, that’s your friend”

“DILLIGAF?”

“Do I look like I give a fuck? We have a number of people you have to see, like the bank girl, but only once. When they are out of the way, you will only be dealing with customers, your doc, and friends.

“It was my sister who made me see sense, after I lost some good friends. It was Arris who dragged me kicking and screaming back to the two best men in my life. You have friends who are just as good for you. Trust them, rely on them”

Two coffins, one cremation. It still hurts, even now. I had a thought. “What about your church?”

“Anne asked about that, when we had that long chat. She’s offered to come down with me as support.”

Alice started to laugh. “I think she sees me as someone to mother”

“There is one other thing here, and that is your medication. Your body thinks it is a teenaged girl at the moment, and you will find your head all over the place, so talk to us before you do anything major, and realise that a lot of your fears are just the hormones having a bit of a party in your bloodstream. Promise me?”

I got my promise, and a hug, and we moved on to the Post Office for the licence change forms. A photo booth, a couple of copies of the poll and letters, and off it went. Slowly, steadily, Alan Hill was vanishing from the world.

“What are people seeing, Alice? I will tell you what they see. We are two women from the chemist’s up the road, out shopping together. They see uniform and skirt, shoes and hair. Just like the school when you collect Jim. People see what they expect, so give it to them. How do you feel now?”

“Better. It’s all a bit of an anticlimax, to be honest. I sort of thought it would be a huge drama, all fireworks and big speeches, but it just seems so humdrum now”

“Well, speaking to the checkout girls beforehand, most of them thought you must be gay. It’s quite a common perception”

I had a sudden thought. “Alice? Which way do you swing? Sorry for asking, but with all this broodiness going about, I just wondered….”

“Ah, Sarah, I have spent so long trying to hide I never really had a chance for anything like that. Any thoughts about romance always foundered on what was between my legs”

“I managed…”

“Yes, so I heard! No, love, you were as lucky as you say. I suppose I am a bit like Quentin Crisp. He always wanted the big dark man, the straight guy, but by definition any big dark man would have to be gay to want him. I suppose I am straight, myself, so if I ever found anyone I would want them to desire me, however I am, and that would always leave me wondering how straight they were themselves.”

“Tony…”

She interrupted me. “Tony is a diamond, someone who saw the woman even when he knew of her deformity. There aren’t many like him about. How many other men have you been out with? Apart from the shit, that is?”

I thought back to post-Joe, and all the creepiness that had crawled out into the open. She was right.

“I take your point. But just because I was lucky, it doesn’t mean that you won’t be”

“Sarah, love, just letting me be myself is all I aimed for. Anything else is a bonus. Anyway, knowing my luck I would end up like Janet, with some chap I couldn’t touch. Let’s just get through life and enjoy it, hey? Back to work.”

Up and down; I should have expected it.

She sighed. “Do you know, it is actually Pat I feel for. I have known him so long, I even fancied him a bit myself. How can anyone who sees so many shades of grey be so black and white?”
As we got to the door of the shop, she laughed. “It’s how the two of us cope, isn’t it? We spend so much time worrying about others we don’t notice our own problems till they’ve sorted themselves out”

The work day ended and we drove the same rut home as ever, but this time it was with anticipation. Don’t get that wrong; much as I had enjoyed my frolics with my great bear, and anticipated many more similar nights, I was still sore. The anticipation was all Alice’s. She was going to work through her wardrobe and cast out old ghosts, and once we had dealt with the detritus in our house she would do the same in her own. We were having well, not exactly arguments, but differences of opinion over which charity to donate it all to. Tony suggested a car boot sale, and then Janet pointed out that there would be a bring and buy event at the school to raise funds for a new reading programme and reflective waistcoats for parents running the ‘walking bus’

Janet won the day, with me second. I wanted to give stuff to the British Heart Foundation, due to their pro-cycling bias, so we agreed that Alice could set up a clothing stall for the school event, the remnants going to the BHF. This was an important moment for her, the final cutting of ties to her past life. It needed to be done with a smile and company.

A few days before the event, Alice asked if she could run something past us.

“Four people have been lifesavers for me. That’s you two, Jim, and Enid. All one family, no, shut up, you made me welcome, and look where I am now. I feel part of this family, and I have been speaking with Enid, and Janet, and we have a proposal for you.

“Firstly, it makes no sense me running my own house just for the days I am not here. It similarly makes no sense for Enid to keep rattling round your old place in Harwich. Therefore, we have decided to pool our resources. Sarah, I am really sorry, but your mother in law is going to be living a lot closer to you, so you need to practise the old jokes”

Tony looked a little put out. “Do you think we might have been consulted on this one?”

Alice looked at her shoes. “I have a confession to make. I was delighted when Enid started helping me, I was astounded when so many other people, even Andy, rallied round, but I knew, I know, it will never be easy. I am too old to pass as easily as Janet, or you, Sar, so I will always be a little odd to people’s eyes. Then all this worry with Anne.

“I made myself a promise…Sar, do you remember when you sad I hadn’t told you anything? Well, I told myself this was make or break, I would see how it went, and if it turned bad, that was it. You were my hope, and if that failed, well, game over”

With a chill, I knew what she meant. With all the laughs, all the joking and fun with Enid, she had been calmly planning her own death if things had gone badly. Just like that.

There is a mindset in a suicide. I had often considered it, but in that emotional agony where it is a mental scream, almost childlike, ‘They’ll be sorry!’. A state which rarely if ever leads on to a real attempt at self-termination. There is another mood, though, a darker one, where death is considered calmly, and methodically, and with purpose. The car exhaust hose; the overdose in a locked room while everyone else will be away; the long drive out to the high and windy cliff top that she had already contemplated.

There are people who book into decent hotels in East Sussex, so they can have a night of luxury before stepping into emptiness by the Beachy Head light. Calm, placid, deadly. Shit.

I touched her hand. “Alice…”

She smiled. “No, Sar, Tony, no. That is past. I took my chance, and it has gone better than I could ever have hoped. Enid knew, she made me promise not to tell you till I knew it was past. Well, it is past. She will be putting the old place on the market, and joining her family, and we trust that will please them.”

She looked up, and grinned, and the old mischief was back in her eyes.

“And no, we’re still not dykes!”