CHAPTER 28
There was no way I was going to go down to the church.

While I appreciated everything Pat was doing, there was no way he was getting me on my knees to some Sky Pixie. I did that for Tony.…forget I said that. Sod it, Christmas was just round the corner, it would be all carol services and stuff. Perhaps I could break the habit, for Jim’s sake, and the singing.

Perhaps. Start with getting home life sorted for Christmas, then deal with Alice. Rushing would be foolish.

“Jim, have you decided what you would like to ask Santa for?”

“Mum….there is no Santa Claus. He couldn’t get round the world that quick”

“Is that right? Who eats the mince pies then? Who drinks the sherry?”

I hit him with my best argument. “Who fills your stocking?”

“Daddy sneaks in, I’ve seen him”

Bugger. Whatever happened to childhood? He’d want a mobile phone and a laptop next. “Well, if there is a Santa, what should he bring you?”

I was actually making a small bet with myself. Small boy nearly nine, no siblings…he didn’t disappoint.

”Mummy, I’d like a new bike like your one and a puppy, please”

‘Adult ’men: beer. Juvenile men: bikes and puppies. We were actually ahead of him, and I had a tiny road-style bike on order. ’like my one’, and I had already bought some shorter cranks for it and ordered smaller levers. The bike was crap, basically, but it would do him for the little while it would take for him to grew out of it

I had taken to volunteering as a Cyclecraft trainer at his school, so I would be doubly able to influence his riding behaviour. The puppy, though, that would be a problem, with both of us working. I wondered what Alice thought of dogs.

“Jim, you know what a puppy needs, don’t you?”

“Yes, bones and a collar and a lead”

“Why does it need a lead?”

“For walkies, of course, mummy”

“And who will take it for walkies?”

“Me!”

“Every day? On your own?”
He looked at me in that particular way children have, where they are clearly wondering how the all-powerful and omniscient adult can possibly be so stupid. I almost expected the next word to be “Duh’ “

“Aunty Alice can come!”

Oh, kid, if you only knew how much she would want to, how she would all but kill for the chance.

“Oh, Jim, you do know she can’t be Aunty outdoors, don’t you?”

“Mummy, she is always my Aunty even when she isn’t wearing her hair. It doesn’t matter.

“Mummy, why are you crying?”

I would talk to both Alice and Tony about a dog. A boy should have a dog. Jim was still talking.

“Are you coming on Tuesday, mummy?”

Tuesday? What was Tuesday? I suddenly remembered: the school nativity play. In all the fuss over Anne and Alice, I had almost forgotten. Jim was a shepherd. I went to the fridge where a couple of magnets held Tony’s roster. Week 4; he would be on lates.

“Yes, darling, I will come, but daddy can’t, he has to work. What time is it again?”

“Half past four”

I gave Anne a ring. “Hiya, I’m after a favour for Tuesday. Jim has his nativity play, so I need to get away early. You know what it’s like, so important that you are there”

“No problem, Sar. Is he going to be singing at all?”

How could someone with such shitty ideas be so amenable? I asked him.

“Yes, Anne, he will do two carols”

“Does he enjoy the singing? It’s just that my church has a carol service on Sunday evening, and we will be having all the usual stuff with it, mince pies and so on. It’s more of a thing for the kids, and it would be nice to see you there”

I imagined the introductions. “This is my colleague the unnatural abomination, Father. Shall we start the stoning, or go straight to the stake?”

Stop that, now. Tony was off…

“Anne, I have to ask Tony, but it sounds like a plan. You do know none of us are religious ,don’t you?”

“Oh yes, Sar, don’t worry about that, it’s more of a fun thing for the younger ones. We even get the Asian family in from the corner shop down the road, they say they like the tunes, and they bring a pile of nibbles, so we can’t turn them away, can we?”

“Anne, I have a very odd picture of Lucifer calling in with a box of sausage rolls”

She laughed. “Oh, Sarah, we do draw the line somewhere!”

Yes. Alice.

“OK, Anne, I’ll see you this week and let you know what Tony says.”

“Tell him there will be mulled wine”

“So I will have to drive? Great.”

“I rang Alan to ask him, lots of unattached ladies there, but all I got was his answering machine”

“I’ll let him know, Anne. See you at work”

Well, well. Perhaps we would get to hear one of the stealth sermons after all. I resolved to get Pat on the case, and wondered if he wanted some input. Preferably free of swearing. One thing struck me, and that was Anne’s comment about unattached women for ‘Alan’. I mean, Pat had assumed Alice was a gay man, and I got the impression that while she was not highly-sexed she was straight, but all of that seemed to have flown way over Anne’s head. I mean, even Andy occasionally suggested that he wasn’t too sure about Alice, but Anne seemed locked into a concept that having a willy meant fancying women. This was going to be hard work. If Alice…WHEN Alice came out, if Anne kicked off she would be open to some very, very heavy disciplinary and legal procedures, and she was a nice person at heart. It was just that rather festering and unpleasant blind spot of hers.

Part of me wanted simply to walk into the church with Alice as herself, and take the flak. It would certainly move things along, but perhaps not in the right way.

Stick with the plan, Sarah Marie, and get the tea sorted.

Alice was in later than Tony, and went straight away to get changed. There was something different about her when she came down, and not just the wig and the clothes. I was when she turned that I realised. She jiggled.

“Alice…” I pointed none too subtly at her chest.

“Oh, they are good, aren’t they, Sar? I went up and spent a lovely day at the Marlowe with Margaret’s friend. She has given me all sorts of advice, plus a few theatrical props. These were a present from her. It’s almost like having my own”

I changed the subject as quickly as I could, before she got morose, and spoke of Jim’s request.” What do you think, you two? Could we cope with a hound n the house?”

Tony looked upbeat at the thought. “The back garden is secure, so no escapes, and the floor in the extension by the kitchen is tiled, so that would do until t gets house broken. We’d need to choose the dog carefully, no great Danes, and certainly no rats on string. I want a dog-sized, dog-shaped dog”

“Who is this dog for, Tony? Jim, or you?”

Men.

Once Jim was in bed I broached the subject of the carol service. Both were keen to go, and see what the atmosphere was like in the church. Alice was very up for what she called a bit of monkey-prodding.

“I’ll give Pat a ring tomorrow, and see what he has lined up. It will be very interesting to hear what line he feeds them, Pat can be really devious ,you know.”

“I had sort of worked that one out, Alice. He’s still not going to get me genuflecting”

Tony started his usual snorting ,then went to his CD collection.

“I do believe the Bard had something to say on that point. Ah…here it is”

Our room filled with the sweet melody…of Tom Lehrer’s ‘Vatican Rag’

I so love my man!