Masks Chapter 21

*Before…

“Stephanie…..!” She cries and I cry and we glomph on each other and we get that bad we have to stop and go back in the store to use their bathroom and fix our make-up.

Crying in public and not getting shit for it, being this close with my best friend and doing this and not having the sky come falling down on me is.

Well it’s past awesome and when we get back out and ready to go I see Mom looking at me with this look like the kind that Dad gave Steven.

But it’s the that’s my girl look.

It feels so damned good and really so big…I mean this is kind of this first thing that I’ve done that is all me and that made her look at me like that.

I smile and take a breath getting into the car and I feel a little bit stronger inside for it.

*And Now…

We’re a happy and kind of sniffly but in a good way sniffly bunch on our way out to the mall. I’ve been to The Fairview Mall before actually a fair amount really but this is the first time that I have been here as me.

It’s a little nerve wracking at first getting across the parking lot and just going inside because this is really out in broad daylight kind of public.

It turns out that it’s actually pretty okay. I mean it’s really mostly adults here and older kids and stuff and I’m at least under their radar because well I’m thirteen and skinny and stuff while M.J. well honestly she could pass for sixteen or seventeen and that means that there are guys looking at her.

And older than sixteen or seventeen year old guys too.

Yick.

Sometimes guys are complete pigs.

Some and nowhere near all but there’s just stuff that you have to notice, that you are aware of as a girl that you have to think about as a girl that you don’t really as a guy.

Most guys and the men don’t spend a whole lot of time looking at us they’re too busy with their own stuff but…

There is enough that as women…it’s noticed.

That is until Mom does the very pointed cough and glare at a few of them. I mean the ones that are like being like Yick with us but she doesn’t really do a whole lot about the guys that ogle her.

I mean it’s not a double standard at all really actually she seems to draw the attention of a whole other kind of guys or man and she doesn’t exactly like revel in the attention but she’s not really giving the grief either and actually it’s like when they see us with her the most there is a sort of eye contact and a smile or something like he’s saying that she’s awesome without saying anything.

And it’s kind of amazing seeing this whole real femme mystique thing going on up close and stuff and I’m still trying to get a handle on it and stuff.

“Mom?”

“Yes honey?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“How can you tell the good guys from the bad ones? I mean I can sort of see some of these pervy ones checking M.J. out a lot but…”

“Well mostly it’s a respect thing, the assholes don’t have respect. They’re usually full of swagger that they’re hot stuff that they think that they’re far more awesome than they are.”

Mary Jane hunches. “This, this is why I shop with people…I mean I like boys but like…”

“Gag me with a spoon?” I supply.

“Heck yes. I mean I’m still a kid and they are looking at me like I’m…” She does a shudder. “And it’s not like I can exactly dress like something all little kid obvious or something because some of them are like into that.”

Mom gives her a one armed hug. “There are a lot of bad things with being a girl too sometimes.”

I nod. “Yeah, but I’m not choosing this, I am a girl.”

They both nod at me and they smile. Mom says. “C’mon lets hit some stores and get away from the meat market.”

We head into some of the stores and there’s a lot of places that are suddenly not guyboden to me now. Oh there’s places like Aritzia that are make you drool until you see the prices kinds of places and stuff but there’s a lot more accessible stuff for the average human being to be able to afford.

But Mom still takes us into La Senza… that’s a boutiquey lingerie kind of place and since there’s no Vicky’s Secrets place we’re going into here and I’ll admit M>J> and I are staring at the stuff on the mannequins like we’re the little alien dudes from Toy Story only instead we’re going… ooooh The braaaaas.

I’m also really intimidated and actually so is Mary Jane and we stick pretty close together. I mean we’re still kids in a very big girl grown up kind of place and Mom’s talking Hottese with the clerk who seems to respond to it quite well and whatever that Mom is saying too.

Yes I am convinced that even amongst those of us that speak female that there is a sort of code language the hot girls seem to know.

Maybe not but have you ever noticed that when you see them they’re like in their own close and special conversations?

Yes, me too.

Mom calls me over and I head over kind of quietly and the sales lady is looking at me and she’s really, really great looking like she modelled the stuff here before deciding to sell it.

“Mom?”

“Let’s go to the change rooms Stephanie and we can get you measured.”

“Uhm…for?”

The sales lady smiles. “We want to make sure that we get the right sized bust enhancers for your body sizes.”

Uhm What?

“Uhm…excuse me?”

Mom just smiles at me and she takes me by the fingers to the changing area and she gets me to take my top off and then my bra and if I seem like a boy at all to this lady she’s not bringing it up as she measures me in a couple of different chest areas over my bust and I’m fluxuating in my colors from embarrassed red to sort of scared pale.

Then she leaves and she’s gone for a few minutes and she comes back with a box.

And when she opens it there’s boobs inside.

Like flesh colored boobs made of that jiggly silicone stuff and the lady looks at me.

“These should fit you just right honey for a girl your age. I know it’ll make you feel a lot less self conscious when you’re hanging out with the other girls that have stared already.”

“Uhm thanks….?”

“Here there is a glue that you can use. It’s water proof but it comes off with alcohol and that’ll help you from having equipment malfunctions.”

“Uhm yeah losing a boob might be bad.” I offer.

She smiles and says. “The best way to actually fit them in place is…” And she takes the tape and wraps it around my chest again and then takes my hand. “You should have the inner edge of the breast these many of your fingers wide from your breast bone okay?”

“Uhm okay….”

Mom looks at her. “Thanks so much but would you have any ideas about the seams?”

“Sorry these are only realistic looking inserts and not a real like prosthetic that has flaps that you can use. The best thing I can think of is to just wear a concealing bra.”

“I…I’m good with this…This is more than alright.”

“Good well you enjoy and have fun with those.” She leaves and Mom looks at me. “I’ll leave you to it and I’ll go pay.”

“Uhm okay…and uhm Mum?”

“Yes Honey?”

“Thanks, this is really cool.”

“I thought it was scary.”

“It is…this is sooooo real and so scary but it’s still pretty awesome.”

“Good. Being the awesome Mom was what I was kinda going for.”

I hug her. “You’ve nailed that one years ago.”

She hugs me back then heads out to pay and I’m getting the glue and applying it to the back side of the breast and measuring with my fingers and attach the first one and wait.

M.J. knocks. “Hey can I come in?”

“Sure you wanna be weird and help?”

“Help?”

“Help me put on my boobs.”

She’s inside in a flash and she’s staring at me. “Oh…okay cool.”

“Here you hold this one in place while I do the other one.”

She does and she’s standing there with one hand on my right boob while I put on the left one and she’s grinning after a few minutes.

“What?”

“Payback.”

I blush, yeah I was dreaming and I went a little far thinking something was mine when it wasn’t.

It takes about five looooong minutes to get them dry and M.J. gives me a spritz of her perfume to kind of kill the scent of the glue and I get my bra on.

The weight even with this whole middle A-cup is surprising, and if anything it feels about ten times as right with that weight and stuff up where it’s supposed to be than my boy-stuff ever has.

And I can’t help myself from doing a few once I’m in my bra experiment bounces and shimmies.

Wow…oh wow…

I’m happy sniffling as I’m putting my top back on and I’m dabbing at my eyes to not mess up the make-up that I’m wearing. It’s just mostly eye pencil and some light flesh pinkish lipstick but still.

I’m smiling and holding hands with M.J. as we head out of the changing room and I see Mom looking at me and smiling.

“You look amazing Stephanie.”

“Thanks Mum, I feel amazing.”

We hug and we leave and I even wave to the sales lady who waves back with that sort of fairy godmother good deed kind of expression.

If she only knew.

We go from there though to some more normal kinds of shops and places.

Banana republic, Bootlegger, BlueNotes, Dynamite…okay they’re kinda trendoid pricey too...But we go to Garage where there’s some nice stuff and I get a few tops and a skirt that I like and we end up actually heading for Sears and The Gap…I know it’s trendy and some people think it has this whole bad rap but I actually like some of the clothes and the prices are that bad either.

And Sears isn’t that bad either it’s kind of high end middle class wear with some good sales in it from time to time. Mary Jane and I kill a large chunk of money in their cosmetics section even with mom buying some stuff there for me. I really barely have any of this stuff and I need so much of these things too and I’ll admit I’m a little bit of a make-up snob since I’ve red up on it so much including a whole bunch of reviews on the stuff and I actually have this whole debate and conversation with the sales lady there that has Mary Jane looking at me a lot and mom looking surprised but she’s smiling too.

I get my first dress there. It’s a grey sweater dress and it looks amazing on me.

Okay, I need more hip and butt going on really but it’s still awesome with my and my new moves like the real thing and drapes like the real thing breasts.

I notice too that I’m moving different, the weight and the way that it feels that I should move is changing the way that I move in little ways but in the right ways. My biology might have made this huge error in me and says no but my brain, my heart is saying yes and there’s something else too.

I am for the first time feeling sexual.

No not like poof and I’m into guys or girls but that feeling of actually having my right gender and the way that I’m moving…the weight that’s always supposed to be there is sending these signals to my brain that I’m a girl.

And I’m feeling that like on this kind of deeper level…like with the dress and running my hands over myself to smooth it out is way more of an experience now that I think that it was before.

I don’t feel so terribly odd.

And that’s really this honest way to describe it really. You feel terribly odd not being who you are and you know one hundred percent in your head.

That’s not really there as I’m trying things on and playing dress up with Mom and Mary Jane.
I feel normal.

We go from there to Ladies Footlocker for a few things and there’s some cute stuff there that M.J. and I both get like some sneakers and I pay out a big chunk of my money there getting those work out sneakers that help you shape your butt.

Hey, I need everything that I can get to help really.

And Yoga pants. I’ve really wanted some of those like forever.

Then we head to Payless Shoes and we get a bunch of stuff there that I need including some girl’s winter boots and some of those cute girl galoshes that have the cute patterns and stuff. I’m not calling them rubber boots.

I have cute shoes including a pair of white sparkly ballet flats that just completely fit the whole idea I have for the way that I want my Alice costume to look and they were eight dollars as opposed to the forty dollars that they wanted for these really cute white three inch open toe heels that would have worked too.

We head out to the car for a drop off the drive and find a parking space closer to the Wall-mart entrance and we go shopping in Wally-World.

Okay you can say a lot about the place and the way they do business and the sort of stereotypes of the people that shop there but I’m in the ladies and girls section with Mom and we’re getting some of the cute and cheap basics here like tee’s to wear around the house, night shirts socks and all of that stuff.

And the stuff for our costumes.

For my Alice I get white thigh highs and there’s some Halloween costumes that are close there for cheap and we get three of those and they’ll give me this look of this sort of light blue shiny faux satin dress kind like thing there and there’s this fluffy and draping white gauzy skirt in this princess thing that will make up the skirt part of my dress if we use two of them and we have the other things that will make up the look.

And then there’s stuff for M.J.’s Mad Hatter thing which is leggings that we find there in this sort of bright and crazy patterns and we get some of those so we can play with the look and there’s a top hat costume thing that’s like that magicians kind of thing that Mom says we can use and modify for the look. And a red and black bustier thing instead of the Mad Hatter vest.

We have the make up at home that we can use for Halloween and we get some more of that and we get glue and sparkle dust stuff in a whole bunch of colors and the rest is stuff for our actual Halloween costumes and I get a whole bunch of those rave toys. You know the chem-light bracelets and rings and stuff that you can find at the dollar store and there’s some pretty cheap lycra sports clothes that we get too and M.J. and I raid the aisle where you find all the kids tattoos and stickers and stuff and we’re having a ton of fun getting stuff and explaining to Mom what we’re going as and she loves it.

It’s a lot longer than I thought that we were at it and we head home in really good spirits and not even listening to the radio or the music but talking about the dance and the contest all the way home in full on multi-subject girl mode.

We get home and we unload and separate stuff and the stuff for the dance we take down to Mom’s studio and the stuff for the contest too and the back up to my room to put all of my stuff away and I’m having to pull out some of my Steven clothes out from my drawers and set them on one of my chairs and the same with some of my stuff from the closet too.

I’m just starting at it there this pile of Steven on the chair and Mary Jane comes over and she one arm hugs me. “You okay?’

“No, this is weird…I think I’m going to cry over this but I can’t…there’s just this…I mean it never went this far in my head y’know?”

“Nope…but I can sort of see what you’re talking about.”

I smile at her. “I want this so bad but I’m so frightened M.J.”

“You’d be nuts not to be.”

“Well I go for crazy but I’ve had a life time of frigging nuts.” I smirk and she giggles.

“Okay…points there. Look it’s going to take awhile…and we can like use this dance and stuff to like maybe get people used to the idea?”

“Really, there’s a big difference.”

“Not if we have them think that they’re having an uh-huh moment.”

“An uh-huh moment?”

“Yeah, like when it does come out they’re more like ‘oh well that figures.’ People kind of like feeling that they already knew stuff was going on.”

“You think?”

“Worth a shot really.”

“Yeah… I mean the worst that can happen is going to be the worst that can happen no matter what I do right?”

“Right! There y’go girl c’mon let’s maybe get some actual stuff done on our costumes and stuff while you’re Mom’s like super into it.”

“Okay, that actually sounds good.”

We head down and Mom’s putting supper in the oven which is Shake and bake chicken pieces and she’s putting some potatoes on to boil and then that’s about it and she sets her watch and the stove and we head into her studio.

Okay…Mom’s helping us to a point and she’s laughing at use trying to sew. Mary Jane’s not very good and I’ve never used a sewing machine before in my life. It’s actually kind of harder than it looks and it’s faster than it looks too. I lose control of the thing by stepping on the pedal too hard a whole bunch of times.

The big thing is my dress and the coat for M.J. she had to attach like tux tails to it and then there’s my dress which needs to be cut and altered and I wanted to turn the short puff sleeves into wide but dress straps and then getting the puffy skirt cut and measured to fit me.

It’s tricky to get the white gauzy stuff to sit right and to fight with it on the sewing table but I just get it done around supper or rather when Mom’s watch goes off.

It looks good now…kind of this shiny blue top with a white gauze shirt that trails down to mid thigh and looks like Alice in Wonderland from like Disney and a little like the movie and at the same time sort of like a ballet costume too.

With the stockings and the slippers and the right way to wear my hair.

I’m grinning.

This, this will look awesome.