Masks Chapter 19

*Before…

Jenn’s like. “Can I help? Looks pretty neat to learn.”

Mom’s like. “Sure in exchange you can show up some dance steps and help the girls learn how to dance and it wouldn’t hurt me or Elsbeth to look like we’re not all dated.”

Mary Jane squeaks. “Please! We have a dance this weekend and I’ve only been to a few.”

I blush and admit. “I have no clue how to really dance like a girl.”

Mom’s looking at me a bit, her head tilted. “Stephanie?”

It’s this, all of this and I just…I just can’t hold it in anymore…

“This is me Mom, I’m a girl. I always have been…… I’m Transgendered.”

And everyone just stopped…

*And Now…

My Mom is looking at me her head still tilted and she sort of turns the rest of the way around to look at me and she takes a seat that Jenn slides under her.

Oh not a good sign.

My stomach is doing that clench thing that happens when I’ve taken the last shot of the game and the clock’s down to seconds and I’m not sure that the puck’s going to go in or chink off the goalpost.

She takes a breath and she reaches over and takes both my hands in hers and holds them tight.

“Oh thank god.”

“……………..” Huh? What? “Mmm..Mum?” Oh my voice is high in the squeaky range.

“When we found out, well when we were kind of sure…especially after all of the stuff that we read.”

“Mom?” What is she babbling about? Wait…what. “Wait…what you knew?”

She’s nodding and there’s tears there and she looks at me. “We thought, I mean the first time we too you to hockey you never wanted to play you wanted to….” (Sniffle)

(Sniffle.) “I wanted to figure skate with the other girls.”

Mom nods. “And it’s just been little stuff like that that had me and your dad wonder.”

“Dad…Dad knows…oh god….” My knees give and Jenn’s there with another chair and M.J. holds me up enough to set my butt on it. Then she hugs me…rubs my back like Aunt Els is doing with Mom we so almost mirror each other.

“Well your dad thought that you might be gay since it’s sort of the first thing he thought of until you came up with this idea after the first day with the wig.”

“He thought I was gay?” (Sniffle.)

(Sniffle.) “Yes honey, by the time your brothers were your age they had all their secret little porn stashes.”

“And you weren’t leaving nasty little tissue surprises around like they did.” Aunt Els adds in grinning.

“Eww! Eww!”

Yick, yick, yick…. “There isn’t enough brain bleach in the world.”

Mom smiles. “Yeah, so we had our reasons of thinking things but it was Mark that figured it out the other night at dinner and came to talk to us about it.”

“But…why?”

Jenn adds in. “Because he’s your big brother and he loves you. He was petty stressed over it too. He’d been to all those meetings trying to learn about Sonja and there’s all this stuff there that talk about the stuff that Transgendered people go through and how high the rates are of something bad happening are.”

(Sniffle.) I look at her. “Something bad?”

“You might do to yourself…Steph.” Jenn says stroking my hair some.

My body goes through the shakes.

Honestly, honestly there have been so many times.

(Sobby-sniffles.) I lower my head at being kind of found out. “It’s just so hard…this Mask gets to be so heavy…I… (Sniffle-sob.)…I’m just so tired already…”

Mum…pulls my into a hug right off my chair and onto her lap.

(Sniffle) You ever notice that Mom becomes Mum or Mommy when this stuff goes down?

I start crying.

I hear a tight with emotion guy voice there. (Guy-sniffles) “I just knew…I think that I knew when I first started going to some of the meetings. (Guy-sniffles) but I remember after reading something that I was scared Steph. I mean bullies and assholes and stuff I can fight, get in the way of…protect you from but the stuff inside you…I can’t and I don’t want to lose my baby sister.”

(Sobby-speak.) “You don’t.”

“No…I just got to meet you…”

“But…But…”

“I made a promise Stephanie when Billy and Bobby were born with Dad. He said that I was the big brother…(Guy-sniffle)…and that was really important because Big Brothers are kind of like dads as well as brothers. And that the other kids would need me I ways that him and mom can’t.”

(Guy-sniffle.) “I didn’t get it then but I did after enough time when the other two would bitch about stuff to me I know that hey never said to Mom and Dad…”

(Sobby-sniffle.) “I couldn’t…I was scared.”

He’s there beside me now. I couldn’t really see that for all the tears that’ve been filing my eyes.”

“I know Steph, I know…I….” (Guy sniffle.)…Hey…I love you y’know.”

(Sobby-sniffle.) “You do?”

He kneel down and hugs me. “Yeah, I really, really do.”

I shift from hugging and being hugged by Mum to being hugged really hard by Mark and I cry on him and dig my fingers in hanging on like I couldn’t do with Mom and there’s just something so strong there with him that makes me feel safe.

(Guy-sniffle.) “I made a promise to look after all of you…I’m gonna keep it Steph…c’mon…I pinkie swore it.”

Okay that kind of hits me where the happy sobs come out of.

“Mark…”

“Yeah…?”

“I Love you too…”

“Good you say that now but when you bring home a date you might not be that happy.”

“Yes I will… (Sniffle.)…If they don’t pass the big brother test then they’re not for me…” (Sniffle.)

“Damned Skippy, Only the best for my baby sister.”

I sniffle some more but I just hug him and let the moment sort of sink in…let my Big Brother hold me and keep me safe and it’s like I can take the weights off now.

Mom’s there and Mary-Jane and Aunt Elsbeth and Jenn…and Dad…

Dad and my brothers….

They’re still in the kitchen doorway but Dad’s coming over.

That Daddy smile tells me right off that everything’s going to be alright.

(Sniffle.) “Daddy…?” It’s the first real time I’ve ever said that.

“C’mere Angel.”

Happy sob!

I launch myself at him and he catches me and I hold onto him and cry on him.

(Sobby-speak.) “Th…That’s so much better than Sport…”

I feel him chuckle-laugh… “Angel it is, but I reserve dad privilege on using other cute names too.”

I nod into his chest. “’Kay”

“I Love You Stephanie no matter what.”

(Sniffle.) “You do?”

“Of course I do….look at me.”

I look up at him.

“When you were born they passed you to me and you looked at me with those eyes and it was all there. I knew that you loved me with everything that you had right there and then. And honey that’s all that matters…is loving you back…no matter what….It’s my job…I’m your dad.”

And I’m hugging him so hard and I’m sobbing again.

Full on Waaaaaa! Totally ugly crying too.

I’m not sure for how long I was there crying and being help but it felt really good and when I’m finally able to breathe.

“You mean it?”

“Yes honey, I mean it.”

“And…and you’re not mad?” (Sniffle.)

“No, I’m not mad or angry or disappointed. I’m glad.”

(Sniffle.) “Glad?”

“Yeah…I have a daughter.”

He pushed me back and he holds me by my shoulders and he looks at me and he smiles as he’s looking me in the eyes and he slowly says it. “I…Have…A…Daughter.”

And he’s smiling like it makes him happy.

I take a really, really big shaky breath. “Yes…yes you do Daddy.”

He hugs me again and then he turns and looks at Billy and Bobby and gestures for them to come in the kitchen.

They come in and look at Dad then Mom and me.

I flinch a little. “Surprise guys?”

Billy snorts. “Surprise? Yeah you being a girl’s a surprise like firetrucks are red.”

Blink, Blink. “Huh?”

He looks at me. “What? We go to a mall and you’re not looking a girls or toys or videogames but we walk past the girls section and your face goes all Ooooh pretty shiny.”

I blush.

Bobby nods.

Billy… “No underwear in the bathroom hanging all over the place.”

(Sniffle.) “Gotcha…”

He hugs me and so does Bobby. It’s short but it’s there.

“You guys aren’t mad at me?”

Billy… “No dating our friends, you girls are always into older guys.”

I sort of stress giggle snort. “No promises.”

He gives me a fake frown. “You can’t do the easy thing can you?”

I bite my lip and shrug. “I’m a girl?”

He huffs and heads to the fridge and Bobby give me another hug.

I look at him after. “You’re not pissed?”

He gives me this kinda Rob/Bobby only grin. “You being a girl’s a good thing Steph.”

I blink. “It is?”

“Yeah, Me…Will…Mark…Dad…and Steven…It was getting to be a total sausage-fest here y’know?”

“……………….”

I start laughing and everyone else kind of starts laughing and giggling as the tension breaks sort of weirdly.

Rob’s got this big goofy grin like I could just see him taking all that time with the drama and stuff just to come up with that.

I look at everyone there and I’m smiling and my eyes are still leaking tears and I’m kinda lost.

“I…I don’t know what to do now.” I say.

Aunt Elsbeth smiles and turns to Mom. “It’s been a long day for both our girls Nance how about we circle the wagons and M.J. and I stay the night.”

Mom nods. “Slumber party?”

I…. “Slumber party?”

“Well just more of a sleepover, you two’ve been through so much and are so close it might just be a good idea.”

I look at M.J. and she looks at me and she kind of nods a little and bites her lip some.

I go over and slip into a hug with her. “If it’s okay…then I could really stand not being alone right now.”

She sniffles and hugs me with this thank you look. “Me either.”

Mom nods. “Then it’s settled then?”

Dad grins and hugs me and M.J. Then Mom and Aunt Els. “C’mon guys stuff to do. Homework and stuff outside.”

He kisses me on the forehead. “Welcome home angel.”

(Sniffle.) “Thanks Daddy.”

He leaves with the guys and then Jenn hugs me. “Welcome honey, you need anything you call okay?”

“Okay…thank you…”

“I’m going to head home okay?”

I nod and hug her back. “Dance lessons some other time?”

“Definitely.” She smiles as Mark holds her coat open and she puts it on. “Before this Saturday.”

M.J. and I both hug her and she leaves with Mark saying. “I’m going to walk Jenna home.”

We wave them goodbye and then we’re looking at each other a little and Mom grins. “Alright baths and jammies and movies and we’ll all settle into Stephanie’s room.”

Stephanie’s room.

Mine….

Me.

I’m grinning as we all head upstairs and Mary Jane and I are hip to hip and I’m just kind of swimming in it? I mean I’m out…I’m out to my family, they love me and everything but it’s still so much…I feel like I’m out of sorts, not unhappy but…I shock?

Mary Jane looks at me as we get to my room. “You okay?”

“Y..yeah it’s just…it…it’s so fast…”

She sits with me on my bed and she nods. “Really fast.”

I look at M.J. “Am I even doing the right thing?”

She looks at me. “Honestly?”

I nod.

“Yes…Totally and utterly yes. Look Steph when I met you it was pretty obvious to me that you were different. Then I got to meet the real you and saw the way it just looked when you put the Steven mask back on. Just saw mind you how much pain that was causing you and not what you’re actually going through each time.”

I’m looking at the floor. “It sucks.”

She Pffts. “Sucks, It’s more than that.”

I nod. “But what do I do about school? What’ll he other kids think?”

“They’ll be little assholes about it and there’ll be some that’ll hate you ad some that’ll have parents that’ll lose their shit. But there will be others that this won’t be a big deal for. It’s getting more and more out there.”

“I’m scared.”

She leans on me. “Steph….big news, we’re all scared.”

“Yeah but.”

“You’re such a girl stop obsessing over you’re butt.”

I laugh a little. “Okay…I feel better thanks.”

“It’s cool we’re girlfriends remember.”

“Yeah…and my butt’s too skinny.”

“Yeah for now but that’ll be just right by the time you’re your mom’s age.”

“Really? I can’t imagine…well I can but it’s more real now. Before it was dreaming.”

“Well no worries I mean look at your mom you’re going to be gorgeous.”

“Thanks, but I’d rather have just grown into it.”

Mom comes I with Aunt Elsbeth carrying a whole bunch of stuff like one of those bed in a bag things and there’s clothes and make-up and DVD’s and all sorts of girlaphernalia.

We set up the bed and we take turns using Mom’s bathroom in her bedroom to take a bath. It’s the first bubble bath as a girl with all the nice girlie stuff that goes with it and I eve put and pin my hair up so it doesn’t get wet.

There’s this huge sigh that comes out of me as I sit and I soak and I’m good for about five or ten minutes before I burst into tears. I’m happy but it’s so scary now too on a whole other level of real.

I’m crying because of nerves…it’s all unwinding here in the tub and I’m right in what feels like a panic attack.

Roll on my side.

Shake…

Cry into the facecloth….

Then it’s just breathe, just soak in the heat of the hot water.

I’m there until I prune or start too and I get out and dry off. Lotion myself and a little powder and then I get dressed.

Panties, bra, ankle socks and one of Mom’s girly sleep shirts with Betty from Archie comics on it but in her bra and panties.

So don’t know where she got such a thing and I’m not going to ask.

I pass Will in the hall and tuck my head and blush…it’s…I’m out and stuff and he starts to cough as he goes by and taste the air. “Yeech, Holy cloud of Avon Batman.”

“It is not! I’m just using lotion and powder.”

He grins at me and goes in his room and calls out before his door’s closed. “Still Yeech Steph!”

I holler back. “At least I don’t wear Axe like it’s frigging soap! Like gag me with a spoon.”

I head to my room and oddly feel better for the whole exchange.

M.J.’s looking at me eyebrow raised and so’s Mom and Aunt Els. “Like gag me with a spoon?”

Mom… “Like Toa-tally.”

Aunt Els… “Toa-tally.”

M.J. and I are snerking and giggling and we all look at each other. “Like Toa-tally!” We shout it and we all sort of fall down together giggling and laughing.

Okay, I feel better now…I feel more grounded and more like myself than I ever had. We do facials and mani-pedi’s and I’m surprising them in just how much I know.

Hey when you’re a girl, you’re a girl and if you’re like me and actually like hair and make-up and the girly stuff the stealth or not odds are you’re going to know it even if it’s your first times. I’ve lived a hundred thousand little girl snippet lifetimes already.

I want the whole thing, I need it.

I’m going to…

M.J. comes in with popcorn and Aunt Els is putting on Season one of Gilmore Girls and we sip all together in this pile on the bed in the bag on the floor and pillows and comforters.

This...so much this.