Masks Chapter 43

*Before...

I’m like… “Guys…boo, I’m not a guy.”

And she’s like…. “I know. It’s like just a figure of speech y’know.”

Mary Jane snerks… “Like y’know…totally just a saying.”

We all burst out laughing and giggling and we sort of kick our legs and shout. “Toa..tal..ly!”

Then we hear Becky’s dad. “What the fuck was that?”

Not like angry like but like he’s got no clue.

And we were silent for a second before we all burst out laughing.

It was such this whole cool space of time because the lights, the three of us, this whole tight girls together thing and it’s us so close together and holding hands and just being three girls.

And it feels good.

It feels weightless.

* And Now...

I sort of am listening to things out front like if Becky's dad might freak out and Mary Jane and Becky clue in and quiet down too for a few breaths and I hear my dad say. "That's the sound of three happy girls having fun."

" One of those screams was your..."

"My teenage daughter yeah."

"But you got to be freaked out a little."

"I didn't know and I didn't really get it but I looked stuff up."

"So you’re good with this?"

"Yeah especially when I got around to reading about it, about reading about stuff directly from what these kids are dealing with and live with all the time."

"What about what the church is going to say?"

"No offense but you don't look like you go to church any more than I do."

"Yeah well..."

"Is there a problem?"

"I just can't get my head around it."

"You're not supposed to it's her thing."

I hear Becky ' s mom say. "There’s no problem Rob, Stephanie is welcome here as much as all of the other girls are."

"Good, I just want what's best for her y’know she'll be getting enough for so much more flak with other people and flak."

I'm sniffing and my chest hurts in the best way and the girls are reaching out to me and we're hugging and grinning because this is a happy thing really and I feel safe.

Becky does this big sigh and she looks at me. “Wanna do make overs?"

"Oh definitely..."

Mary Jane says. "Me too, you have like great make up usually Beck."

She grins. "Well like no genius or anything with school things but I am like good at this."

I nod. "I so need not just like better game but like any game."

She laughs. “Well that I can at least help you with."

We get up and Becky turns on some Carly Ray and Avril and we're starting to sing along with Skater boy and we're doing the face scrubbing thing with numerous trips to the bathroom and then Becky ' s mom joining us with like sunshine floats for us.

A sunshine float is a creamcicle that's pulled off the sticks and is cut in like chunks like ice cubes and then put in like 7-Up.

They’re actually really good because the chunks get to this point when they go all smoosh into your mouth in a really good way.

It's a lot of fun too as we have the headbands out and we're pulling our hair back and doing these different looks and Dad and Becky's dad evacuate outside and they're doing something all manly and stuff because I see fire outside and this fire pit thing going and there’s a car with the hood open.

I am so not that kind of girl that kind of kid.

I'm not car girl or a shop girl...so not my thing, not that other girls can't do these things. I just really...nope lots of nope.

And I might be some stereotype or something but I want this...here...learning how to like blend foundations and how to work with the textures of my face...or contours or something all that stuff that's helping me to look like the real me.

It's like every new look there's this breath I get to exhale that's so like... "Hey me..."

I look good with a bit of foundation and this bit of brown at the top of my eyelid that gets blended to grey then a bit of blue mascara and blue eyeliner and even with like nothing hardcore I look pretty, and like seriously pretty really and like I have this look that's at least fifteen and like maybe sixteen if I had like the right body and everything.

But at the same time I don't want to be too invested with the older look stuff.

Sex so often comes with the older looking things and I just want to be like thirteen child I am thirteen because I think like Dad said and that's that I will likely be facing stuff more than I'll want to.

I want my girlhood.

With all these things like this.

This is super happy stuff for me.

Playing tunes, snacks and singing and doing hair and make-up and laughing and there’s jokes and taking about clothes and movies. Seriously Becky's mom knows her stuff and there’s like lots of stuff like Hunger Games, but The Importance of Being a Wallflower, The Fault in Our Stars...all these other things and like older must watches like Mall Rats and Trainspotting and all these classic films I don't really know.

Okay that's cool...Becky's mom has s job that she loves because it's so obvious that likes movies a lot and to me that so outweighs the whole getting a "Real job" thing that she must get a lot.

I mean I am really well off, but yeah things are like so much better when you're not doing something that you hate.

I want to do something I love though.

And that’s a big thing to think of, like what do I want to do and what will I be able to do.

That's a big fear really, people taking freak outs about me being trans.

I mean out's going to be a big thing. I know that there will be people that are going to be like real butt brains about it.

I mean I'm going to have to deal with the hockey team soon enough and there’s guys that are not cool with me. I mean Randy said as much. He's been a nice surprise really, he's the most popular guy in school and he could have been a real assbutt but he’s been cool all the way through do far as has some of the guys.

"Hello....earth to Stephanie where were you?" That's Becky.

"Oh, uhm I was just sort of thinking of the guys on the team."

"Oh really, who there's some really cute ones."

I make a face. "Noooooo...Like I told Lucy about all the guys in gym class. I have too much info, I've been there where they've been wiping."

That get a whole loud chorus of "Ooooh's..." and "Yick's"...and then we're looking at each other after that and it's another girls being girls moment and we burst out laughing and giggling hard enough that we can see dad and Becky's dad looking at the trailer.

And that's just awesome.

I am literally soaking up this stuff like a desert that's almost never seen rain.

I can feel it y’know me, them, us being just a bunch of girls...me bring part of this. And like a real part too not this aching wistful hurt that I've been burying all my life. It feels good, better than I could have dreamed about.

And I dreamed about it a lot.

When you like know, you know...and I was so just stuck between fear and hate and there was just...watching the other girls just get to be girls just hurt.

And the assbutts that don't believe that trans girls wouldn't trade it for all the negatives are wrong, dead wrong I would soooo take all the bad stuff.

But right now, this is that girls moments stuff, the stuff and experiences that are bonding it's that whole shared girlhood thing and...and I am actually not missing out.

We actually start riffing on guys with us talking about the behaviors they have, the grossness and the things like the scratching...and not just the deep scratching but the down the pants scratching and then touching stuff without washing their hands.

We burst out laughing when Becky's mom says. "You live with guys you're just going to have second hand ball contact...with everything you have pretty much."

We're still going off about stuff when we hear this engine roar to life and Becky's mom lets out a whoop of happy and she starts doing a victory dance. "I'm getting my wheels back, I'm getting my wheels back."

I can't help but smile too because I was here for this and it's a good thing and like all the good things connected with me is seriously stuff I want going on.

I actually help or offer to help in the kitchenette as she suddenly decides we need cookies and coffee as a guy’s reward and we make a fast cookie dough with lots of peanut butter and she's dumping movie theater popcorn in it and chocolate chips.

Oh holy moley they turn out good.

The trick is to not to put the popcorn in until last when the dough is all done and you mix it one good time and then bake them off fast before the popcorn gets soggy.

And you have peanut butter...chocolate...then salty and crunchy and buttery popcorn.

I only have one and a half... I share one with Mary Jane but Dad has three and Becky's dad has five and we get some for Mom and Aunt Elsbeth.

Dad says. "You girls get ready after you help clean up okay it's getting late."

"Okay Daddy!"

I get a look after I hug Dad and head inside and I hear Becky's Dad say. "Okay...I still don't get all of it but...that's your daughter of close enough that I'm done worrying about it. Besides...."

And Dad's like. "Besides? "

And Becky's Dad’s all... "Becky's had honestly brought worse friends over Rob, you and her are welcome over here like any time."

I can't help but be all grins and the girls are looking at and we we all yay cheer and happy dance into the kitchenette to clean up.